On vow renewals and getting weddinged
Ceremony Advice
Guestpost by
on August 11, 2010
48
Offbeat bride Sophie (aka. OBT member Squirrel) has written an great post about the struggles and culture behind elopements, vow renewals and getting weddinged.
Sophie and Derik on the day of their Canadian Thanksgiving elopement
Life being what it is, not everyone has a year and a half to plan the wedding of their dreams. Military deployment, immigration, health insurance, pregnancy, student loans, or just being flat broke, are only a few reasons why some couples have speedy courthouse nuptials. The legitimate question is: are they still entitled to the wedding they always wanted? Is a big wedding a right or a privilege? There is unfortunately no black or white answer to this.
Most elopements or other small civil ceremonies featured here somehow mention the idea of getting weddinged or having a renewal at a later date. And overall, comments have been very positive. It is often not the case, however, among the couple's family and friends, and on more conservative websites such as the wedding section of Yahoo Answers. Your wedding, they argue, is the day you sign the papers. Having a big and/or religious wedding with all the trimmings at a later date is, among the few insults I've read: "playing pretend" by "parading in a dress," a gift-grab, and is just done to get the attention. Some say it is okay as long as they do not call it a wedding.
No one would think of screaming "gift-grab!" or "just playing pretend!" Why? …because it was in the groom's culture to do it that way.
Those reactions are extremely North American-centric. In most European countries, all couples who wish to get married first have to do so in a civil ceremony. Then, they are free to have a religious wedding if they want. The city hall wedding is often very simple, with only immediate family and witnesses present, and the bride wears a nice but casual short dress, saving the long white dress, veil and big reception for their religious wedding. The most famous example known to us here in America is certainly Eva Longoria's wedding to French basketball player Tony Parker. She was wearing a short pink Chanel dress to her civil ceremony officiated by the Mayor of Paris, but wore a white and satin silk designer dress with a fifteen foot train for the religious ceremony in a Catholic church the next day. Yet, no one would think of screaming "gift-grab!" or "just playing pretend!" Why? No, it's not just because she's a celebrity. But because it was in the groom's culture to do it that way. In France and almost all of Europe, a bigger wedding after a civil one is not only accepted, but expected.
Where do I, the hoodie-wearing eloping bride, stand on this issue? I have to say that I contemplated the idea of getting weddinged. I never dreamt of a wedding straight out of The Knot, and never cared for favors or chair covers. but I had some music and readings in mind since college, which I could not use at the courthouse. This, and not inviting parents and grandparents, are my only regrets.
So I decided to be content with having followed my childhood dream, even if the internet, movies and friends' weddings often give me a big case of the should-haves.
But then I think of my 13-year-old self watching Braveheart, the part where he secretly marries his beloved in the forest, and thinking: "If I get married one day, it will be that way. Just my beloved and I." So I decided to be content with having followed my childhood dream, even if the internet, movies and friends' weddings often give me a big case of the should-haves. I have to remind myself that this feeling only comes from the pressures of the outside world and the industry.
But it lasts only a moment, and I remember the beautiful October day when I said "I do" to the man of my life. It doesn't matter that my outfit came from a department store, my bouquet was made of silk daisies from my craft box, and the music in the background was of the elevator kind. That day, and no other, was my wedding day. The only option I am considering would be a blessing of our union by the priest during the baptism of our first child (I even found a gay-friendly Catholic church, which is very important in my values as I have many gay friends and I support marriage for everyone).
I acknowledge that not everyone feels the same way as I do. I know there are couples who will not feel married until they have said their vows in front of all their loved ones and had the reception they always dreamed of. Or others who do so because it is their culture, like a Romanian friend I met on another forum, who eloped to Cuba as her legal ceremony and is now planning a big Orthodox wedding and reception. So it all comes to the same conclusion as every OBB article: just do what is right for YOU, and don't listen to the naysayers.
About Sophie
Sophie and her husband Derik got married by the Justice Of Peace in Montreal, QC on their Canadian Thanksgiving day elopement.
Mallory said
This is exactly why I stopped buying the Knot magazine or going on it's website. A girl would ask what the appropriate term would be for her ceremony, since months before her husband had been deployed and they JOP'ed. The comments from the other wives were just …. hateful. Calling her names, saying she didn't deserve the dress and cake, even going as far as to say that it would make THEIR wedding days look bad.
The honest truth is that not one of us needs the dress and the flowers and the cake and registry to get married. Every one of us who asks for those things wants attention, and is being gift-grabby. Too bad! Either everyone gets to have that special day, because they're just as in love and deserving as the next person, or no one is.
Cortney said
I agree. I visit Brides.com every so often, and this is a REALLY touchy subject with them too, though from what I've seen/heard the girls on the Knot are far worse. I think the name calling is totally out of line. There's a big difference between not agreeing with someone's choices & beliefs and completely bashing them to an umpteenth degree.
Jessica said
Wow, to be honest I had no idea that this was a big deal at all. My fiance's cousin recently did something similar to this because she had moved to Norway with her fiance. They eloped and got married in Berlin, then had another ceremony in Norway with his friends and family, and then another one in Saskatchewan with her friends and family. All ceremonies were beautiful, and it was an amazing way for everyone to get to share in their lives together. Not everyone's lives are conducive to a big wedding, or just one wedding. Why should it be a problem at all?
Cortney said
The only time I have a problem with people getting weddinged is when they're not honest about it. Like, they elope in secret months before, and then outright lie to their friends and family while they have a big ceremony & reception. I know a few people on OBB have done that out of convenience, which I have no problem with at all with, just don't lie about it. You really burn a lot of unnecessary bridges that way, if people find out later.
All that said, I like vow renewals. I think that if they suit the couple's situation, then we're not one to judge! I am actually in the process of helping my friend plan a vow renewal for her and her soldier hubby (they JOP'ed, very spur-of-the-moment, while she was visiting him in S. Korea), and I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
Jenny said
Thank you for the comment about honesty. My BF's niece went and eloped (without telling the parents – to be clear, the parents knew it was coming, but they weren't invited to the courthouse or wherever the ceremony was), and she is being completely deceitful with her friends about it. (All of the close relatives know by now.) My BF has taken to calling it "the secret wedding" – he means it as a joke and is alluding to all the tragic secret weddings that occur in opera – but really, the deception is not a joke. This girl is passing it all off like it's no big deal and shouldn't bother anyone. Maybe one day she'll understand why it IS a big deal and DOES bother people. *sigh*
SamB said
I feel like a have to stand up for myself here, because I got married and told no one…
My family is very segmented and the few that I do care about, I REALLY care about. And they would be devastated to learn that I had a wedding without telling anyone. I understand why they would be upset, and I also understand that they closely resemble the brides at The Knot. The wedding is an important celebration with your friends and family. It celebrates the joining of a tradition that is bigger than the two of us, and part of that celebration includes our community. It is important to us to have our family and friends there to witness and support us in that step in our relationship.
However, in my situation, it was an ultimatum: GET MARRIED TODAY OR LOSE YOUR HOME! We had a close friend marry us, and a close friend witness, and less than 10 trustworthy people know.
Why should I have to ostracize myself from the small family I have left just because Groom and I were forced to rush our plans?
I think you have to be sensitive and make your own decision. Just as with any element of wedding planning, it will affect and matter to a lot of people, but ultimately, it's your wedding. You need to do what you need to do, even if it means keeping it a secret.
Crystal said
My husband and I were legally married last year and are in high planning gear now for our wedding in October. It is precisely because of the potential criticism mentioned that we have chosen not to really broadcast this to people. Sometimes it comes up and we don't try to hide it because we're not ashamed but essentially, we tell people on a need-to-know basis. Our reasons for having a civil ceremony first and a wedding later are really nobody's business.
I have noticed that among those we've told, there's a fairly strong generational divide between those who don't agree with the fact that we got legally married first and those who don't really care at all, with our younger friends falling into the latter camp.
Cortney said
See, I think what you're doing is perfectly fine. You're being honest about it when it comes up. The thing that irks me is when brides literally lie: "Oh no, we're not married yet. Look, we're signing our license, now!"
My mother actually had a classmate in high school who did this a number of decades ago, and never told a soul. But they got 10 years into their marriage before someone happened to notice on one of their tax returns (small town, word gets around fast) that their wedding date was actually 8 months prior to the wedding date they'd had their ceremony and reception on. It turned into a huge messy family feud that lasted almost 20 years. Grudges, much?
The way I see it, it's easier to just tell people right off the bat and let them know what's going on, let them be mad, and get on with our lives, rather than live with a secret, praying no one ever finds out, and then dealing with the backlash if they do.
NoLaceInThisPlace said
My husband and I got married via civil ceremony, and while we married for love and knew we'd be getting married in the near future anyway, we decided to go ahead and do it civil due to health insurance. I have a condition that requires daily medication and my hubby is diabetic. Between us, the medication costs were killing us. So, we did the only really sensible thing.
That being said, we always knew we wanted to have a ceremony in front of our loved ones. To us, that was when we'd truly be married.
But, just as you say, there has been some small oppositions. Some family said it was gift grabbing, or that I only married my husband for the insurance benefits. One family member even rudely said 'Who'd come to a second wedding anyway?' Well, not her!
It's important to my husband and I, and for those who really support us, and hubby and I always achieve the things that are important to us. <3
DarkFayre said
Wow, good timing on the post. My FH and I are talking of eloping as money is so tight and this has struck a chord with several people. Oddly enough it's our parents who are the ones that are fine with it and even suggested just having small parties after the fact in both our hometowns. It's our friends who are upset by the very suggestion of it. In the end we'll do whatever feels right for US and if anyone isn't happy about it then they cand o what's right for them when it's their day, not ours.
Melinda R said
That's very similar to our plan and the only real grief has been from friends. Oh well, gotta do what's right for you
Rachel said
Thank you for writing this post.
I am amazed by how many "indie" wedding blogs seem to scold you for vow renewals. My Husband and I were married four years ago. We did it quickly (the wedding, that is!), as I was immigrating to Canada to be with him. None of my friends were able to attend and the distance made it impossible for my Mother or Sister to attend.
When I have spoken of vow renewals, I have received my fair share of flak. Not from my family or friends, mind you–they want to see our vow exchange as much as we would like them to. Instead the backlash has come from the online community. I've been told to call it an Anniversary Party or anything other than a Renewal. People seem to feel that it is a slap in the face of our vows four years ago. I don't think they understand that we will not be speaking new vows, as the vows were never broken. We will say the same words to each other in the same way, and STILL MEAN THEM. We will do this when we can afford to and in front of anyone who cares to attend.
The bottom line is that if you choose to do anything in this world and it's based out of love, I don't see why it shouldn't be embraced with open arms.
Cortney said
"The bottom line is that if you choose to do anything in this world and it's based out of love, I don't see why it shouldn't be embraced with open arms."
Amen. Can we get a "like" button for this? Or an "exactly" button, like at A Practical Wedding? *:P
Englyn said
Exactly!
Jillian said
My future hubby and I are set to get married in May of next year. We talked about doing a civil ceremony this year just so we could file our taxes jointly for 2011 (the return would most likely pay for our wedding). Not very romantic, but certainly practical. No one could really accuse us as being "gift-grabbers" as we're asking for charity donations in lieu of gifts, but it baffles me that people are so judgemental. Before this article I'd never even considered the possibility of it being negative to have a civil ceremony and then a wedding later and didn't realize there were such negative feelings about it. Everyone's situation is different and it's no one's business but the couples as far as I'm concerned.
Kaitlin Elizabeth said
Thank you for writing this
You put to words how I feel perfectly. I never was a big dreamer when it came to my someday wedding, but like you, there were certain things I imagined I would include–a song and a reading–but they weren't possible for our detention-center-to-beach elopement. We made the day ours by getting civilly wed at the magistrate's office housed in the county's detention center (haha) and then went to the beach where we exchange personal vows and rings. It was the most incredible experience of my life to date, and I wouldn't change a thing. Our friends/witnesses doubled as photgraphers and we ended up with a wonderful album.
Prior to our elopement, my husband and I played with the idea of a reaffirmation or later reception, but I feel it's needless now.
SB said
What a perfect article! The FH and I want to elope but we want to have our vow exchange/religious ceremony in a year, and the reception as well. We could either be engaged for a year while he's away and have the wedding in a year…or be married and have the wedding in a year – the difference? The benefits, health insurance etc from the military mainly. Either way, we plan on being together forever. The only part I'm struggling with is how people are looking at it, because I don't want a reception NOW, I want it paired with the ceremony later. Since he'll be away, it's almost like yes, we are married, but no, we're not anywhere near together so we aren't living like a normally married couple. But the older generation around us is frowning upon this a lot. We had planned on having the wedding this year, so I have some decorations, as well as my dress, which I fully plan on wearing in the following year for our religious ceremony.
It's a big party in the name of love, who cares whether it before, after or during the "legal" deal for anyone?
Cait said
Yup, we're looking at the same thing. My dude is military, and he'll be gone for a year. If we get married before he goes, I get health insurance, which I don't have, and BAH, to cover my rent, and we'd get seperation pay, or whatever that's called. We haven't told anyone our plans yet though, because of basically this entire post. I want it to be something happy, not something I have to defend.
K.K. said
We're having a courthouse ceremony so that I can get on his health insurance. I kind of just view it as government bureaucracy and nothing more. We told my parents about it since I knew they'd pretty much feel the same way as us and my dad has offered to take the afternoon off work to be a witness and the four of us will have a nice dinner afterward. Score!
BUT, if we told my fiance's parents we were doing this, they would FLIP. THEIR. SHIT. I just don't get it. Who really cares in what order this stuff gets done? In most other countries this would be the natural order of things anyway.
Leighanne said
My fiance and I wanted to have a simple courthouse ceremony and nice dinner celebration with just our parents, grandparents and siblings (about 10 people total). We knew that if we started inviting extended family, it would just spiral and get big, and my fiance didn't really want that for the ceremony.
I wanted to have a party with extended family and friends, because when else will we get all of the wonderful people in our lives together at one time? We decided we wanted to get married, then have a big, casual bbq-type party next summer to celebrate and just have a big time – no gifts, no chair covers, no matching toasting flutes, etc.
When we told my fiance's parents of our plans, they weren't supportive. His dad said "Well, people want to see you get married! They won't come if it's just a party" his mom said "Your grandmother won't travel twice (3 hour drive)and it's not fair to leave her out of the ceremony or the party." etc, etc.
As it is, we're having a regular old wedding-and-party-in-one-day sort of thing, trying to keep it small and casual. It will be great in the end, and I can't wait to see all of our friends and family, but I'm realizing it's something we're doing more for others than ourselves.
If I could hop in my time machine and go back 5 months, we'd be at the courthouse. I agree that if the civil/legal aspect was separated from the religious/spiritual aspect in United States culture, this would be less of a big deal to many folks.
Miranda said
This is a problem for me too, in a way. My groom and I have been living together for over 15 years!! Yes, that's right, I said 15. We raised his kids together, got me through college together, bought a house together, and more. We didn't get married because of his disabled status and not wanting him to lose benefits. But now I have a great job and I can afford to replace some of those benefits and we would like to get married.
You should get a load of what some people say about it. "Why would you do that after all this time?" and "You just want attention" and "You just want to throw a party and/or buy a dress" and on and on.
Well, yeah, duh, I do want all that, even after all this time. I wanted it all along, but I didn't want his health care to suffer just so I could have a wedding. I want everyone to be there so we can tell them how we feel about each other, and celebrate with them and have that to look back on just like any other bride and groom.
I guess all I've done for our relationship over the years means I don't deserve to have that huh?
Mallory said
Of course not! There is a very clear time limit to when you can get married, and it's back before you've actually had any experience at being together.
*obvious sarcasm*
Monika said
My husband and I got married in January in NY City Hall. We are planning church wedding back in Poland as we're both Polish and only ones living in US. Our civil ceremony was more emotional than I expected, even though it was short and well… regular. We had small dinner party after for a few US friends (and our families met on the same day for the first time in Poland – come to think of that I didn't met my mother-in-law yet
We actually had a dinner after only because one of my friends insisted on it, saying that it wouldn't be fair to do it in secret. Our plans were different when we were getting marriage certificate, we wanted to have "white wedding" with our families and friends in Poland and just a quick ceremony in US to straighten our immigtation and insurance stuff. This change of plans left us with few weeks to find the place, organize the wedding etc. In the end we had a great party with my husband dancing shirtless to AC/DC "Back in Black", but I would be as happy just to go, get married and have evening for ourselves.
The only thing is, we already feel married (although it took us few months) and the whole "second wedding" idea seems a little theatrical. Maybe it's a good thing, as we are a little shy. It might have as well serve us for rehearsal party
Danikat said
"So it all comes to the same conclusion as every OBB article: just do what is right for YOU, and don’t listen to the naysayers."
Agreed 1000%!
I have to admit I'm one of the ones you mentioned for whom this would never work. We're both atheists and already living together so the importance of the wedding for us is all on declaring our love for each other and our intention to stay together forever in front of our family and friends, it would't really work if we were alone. (The legal benefits are good too, but a lesser priority at the moment.)
However I've never been able to see why there's so much fuss about it.
I think it comes from growing up in the UK: we have this weird law that the building you get married in (and it does have to be a building) must be liscenced and it's only recently that's been allowed for anything except churches and registry offices (think JOP). Even now the majority of places are on the small side. So you've generally got three choices: Have a small wedding, invite a small group to the ceremony and a larger one to the party later on or have a basic legal 'ceremony' (pretty much confirm your identity and that you want to get married and sign a form) preceeded/followed by a bigger and more elaborate ceremony done wherever and however you damn well please. Given that the law also says you either have a religious service in a place of worship conducted by a minister or a civil service that can not include religion of any kind (big woop for the atheists, sucks for everyone who would like to include a little bit/combine religions) the 3rd option is pretty popular.
Anyhoo my thinking is that if there's more than one ceremony then the one that means the most to the couple is the one they should invite guests to, which seems to generally be the non-legal but highly personalised one (and this goes for those in the USA as well from what I've seen here) and if there is only 1 ceremony and it's private then it doesn't matter if the party is on the same day or not. The point is to celebrate the marriage.
Laura said
*sigh* The concept of "right and wrong" in how people choose to be united in love frustrates me to no end and makes me want to bang my head against my keyboard like that angry muppet!
As I see it, there are two to three components of every "wedding" (as the word is typically understood): (1) The celebration of love and committment in front of family and friends, (2)the purely legal, clerical paperwork that is filed with your state that deems you a married couple and (3) the joining of two souls in the eyes of god (if that is your thing). So what if you decide to break those components up and conduct them on different days?? No matter how or when you choose to go about the paperwork portion, you are entitled to the celebration of your choice at the time of your choice to be called what you choose to call it! Please don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise!
Monica said
Yes! This exactly! However, when I tried to use this argument to defend a bride in this situation who was getting a ton of nasty comments on an online message board, I became a target of their evil attach as well. Too bad this article didn't come out a couple of weeks ago – I had no idea it was such a touchy subject! People should be able to celebrate their love as they please!
Dina E said
Yeah, I *really* can't see the big deal with this, either. My aunt and uncle had to do this – they had to have a quickie civil ceremony so that my aunt could move to Italy with my uncle, and then had their fancy church wedding on Capri later. No one in my family had a problem with this – then again, that side of the family is a bunch of sensible people with brains, so I suppose that helps!
Jen said
I had no idea this was a big deal! We had some friends that got married at the courthouse in 2008 so they could pay for their 2009 March wedding with the joint tax return and I thought "Now, that's a good idea!" I didn't think anyone would ever actually care.
I've been married before and we just did the courthouse wedding and never had an actual wedding. My mother told me at the time they would actually pay for us to have a big "wedding party" when they came down a few months later if we wanted it. I just figured all families were that way.
Very interesting post!
Chantel said
I've seen both sides of this fence. My best friend had a small secret wedding and a big beautiful wedding about a year and half later, but didn't tell anyone she was already married (it was a deployment thing). I wish she had told me because I wouldn't have cared and could have been a support for her, but she thought that people wouldn't take the wedding seriously if they knew, and it by peoples reaction after they found out she was kinda right. Recently I got married but due to some flakiness and over excited emotions we forgot our legal wedding paperwork at home! We had the ceremony, reception, and the whole nine yards…but we weren't legally married according to the paperwork until two days later! We consider the day we got married to be the day that we said our vows, so really it's all in your personal perception of the day and what it means to you. I told my friend that she got married before the wedding while I got married after the wedding, so between the two of us we'd eventually get married on the day of our wedding
Melanie C said
Interesting. I live in a state where same-sex marriage is illegal. Over the past year, several couples I know have gone to East Coast states to get legally hitched–alone or with a small group. Then, they've returned home for a party/reception and all the bouquet- and garter-throwing that they do or don't want.
The separation of legal ceremony and celebration is mandatory for most same-sex couples who want to wed. So, it's pretty normal in our communities, though hardly voluntary.
Side note: Those few states with legal same-sex marriage have led to a marriage boomlet! I've been to more weddings/post-wedding parties in the past year than I had in the rest of my life. Love it!
The most recent one included a video of the ceremony in Vermont. More of us than care to admit it cried at the vows, even on video.
Emma said
Very interesting topic. My nephew was going to have three separate 'weddings' One legal in his country, one big one in her country and a party back in his. I was surprised at some family members reactions. They are only having two events now, and there is an almost two year gap between the first legal ceremony and the reception. I think its a great idea.
Subliminal Cake said
My FH and I are having three ceremonies. Since we're currently attending different schools and will be very far away from each other for so long, we decided to wait until we actually tied the knot. In the coming weeks, we're having a handfasting ceremony, a non-legally binding religious marriage for us. After we've had a chance to live together we're having a civil ceremony. Only after that will we have our huge family celebration. We want to wait until we have enough money set aside to have a nice wedding celebration. We're essentially having three separate weddings. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I didn't even know there were other schools of thought on this topic. I guess I just didn't think anyone would think that someone else having multiple ceremonies would make a person feel cheated or wronged. My older brother got married in a Petsmart as a spur of the moment opportunity presented itself (he's currently in the Navy) and then we threw a reception for him afterwards when he got home.
LillyBeth said
The strange thing is, here in the UK if you want to have an offbeat wedding, for example in an unusual location, or even outdoors, if the venue you have your heart set on does not have a marriage licence then you cannot legally be married there. My partner and I would love to be married in a theatre, preferably on the stage, as we met at Drama School and both work, and have long histories in theatre. however to do this we would have to have a civil ceremony first, otherwise for all the beauty of our wedding and the vows…we still wouldnt actually be married. So i suppose the issue isnt as big here!
thanks for posting this, i find it hard to believe that anyone can shun the way a couple wish to celebrate their love.
Laura said
I do believe we have a lot of issues that are big over here and not over there. Again, I sigh. *sigh*
lindsay said
My weddinged (noun?) is in two weeks and while we haven't gotten too much explicit backlash about it, I do feel there's been some snide comments from extended family.
My sister went into the Peace Corps at the end of June and we really wanted her to be at the ceremony…. so we had a mid-June ceremony. Immediate family and close friends only, snagged a relatively unused section of a public park/lake and set up lawn chairs and a table for food, played music on a cd player and then went to an amusement park in the evening. We thought about inviting extended family members in the area and who were really close to my spouse, but it just opened a can of worms of who was invited and who wasn't.
I think some people are making it less of a priority to come to our party because there's no marriage vows (and because it's on a Friday – hard for out-of-towners), but at this point I'm really not too worried about it. If people make it, awesome, if not, I'll be sad but it won't be the end of the world.
Some of my new extended family members have made comments like "we'd have had the wedding shower BEFORE the wedding, but there wasn't enough time." Really?! I don't care if or when we do things like that, I just want to celebrate our commitment with people we love and have a good time doing it.
Jessica_Iowa said
I can't say I realate but I appreciate how well written this artical is, and how much thought you put in to writing it.