Narcissism, self-promotion, and your wedding
Philosophizing
By
on August 25, 2010
52
Photo by La Photographie Nashville. Thanks to msciumbato for submitting this to the Flickr pool!
Thanks to OBB reader Cay for sending me this recent BBC article, which asks the question "Has an atmosphere of narcissism and self-promotion worked its way into the idea of the modern wedding celebration?"
There's talk that we can all agree with about princess-y wedding culture and overpriced weddings. There are quotes that man of us can poo-poo from a Canon Chancellor about how weddings really should be solemn religious affairs. But the article's most interesting question for me is whether the reality of the "self-sacrifice" that's inherently a part of marriage "is lost when the ceremony is specifically designed to be all about me."
And suddenly I went from being all "BOO, ENFORCED PRINCESS CULTURE!" and "PSHAW, DICTATED WEDDINGS SOLEMNITY!" to thinking, "Well, yeah. That can be sort of true, just as much for offbeat weddings." And then I was like "Holy shit, I think I just agreed with a clergyman."
Because here's the thing: while I don't think weddings need to solemn or sacred, I actually do worry about the narcissism and self-promotion that I see in some weddings — even (or especially?) offbeat weddings.
Here's the thing: in an environment where individuality and authenticity are tantamount, there can definitely be a gentle drift toward narcissism and self-promotion. Over and over again, the advice offbeat brides give each other is "This day should reflect YOU, not old traditions that don't fit you."
And it's true. I believe this to my very core, that not just weddings but your whole LIFE should feel like it fits you. Like you're not buying into someone else's vision of how happiness looks. Each of us should be able to craft a wedding and a lifestyle that feels like an honest reflection of our values. Of our specialness. Of our VERY SPECIAL I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE THERE IS NO ONE ELSE JUST LIKE ME LA LA LA LAAAA!!! AREN'T I SO VERY SPECIAL!?
See where it goes if you take it too far? I'm laughing because it's funny because I see myself in that ridiculousness. And I'm guessing I'm not the only one. (Remember, Offbeat Bride is the brainchild of an only child — AND WE ARE THE SPECIALIST SNOWFLAKES OF ALLLLL!)
I really do believe that the world would be a better place if people felt freed to pursue their honest selves and their truest visions of their life. But I'm also aware that this freedom and truth comes with a price, and the price can be an overemphasis on the me and my specialness, at the cost of recognizing where you (in all your specialness) fit into the larger context.
That doesn't need to be the larger context of a solemn church wedding with the Canon Chancellor mumbling at the altar whinging about "dignity and moral seriousness." (Because if your wedding is serious because you're not expecting your marriage to be fun - UR DOIN IT WRONG.)
Dr Fraser blames the "pervasive influence of the media" for driving people towards narcissism and lavish expenditure.
I'm not with him on anyone being forced into lavish expenditure (these days, even the luxury brides are pinching their pennies), but with the media and the narcissism? Dudes, he's not wrong. Here's an open secret: I AM THE MEDIA. On a certain level, Offbeat Bride is The Man WIC conspiracy theorists warned you about. By featuring Real Offbeat Weddings, I'm creating a culture where weddings become something to be shown off to the world. I've written about this before.
It would be disingenuous to deny that my favorite parts of my own wedding planning were the fun, superficial parts — the fashion, the reception, the socializing. The writing the vows were meaningful too, but I am who I am — and that's a lighthearted, gregarious agnostic who likes to dance and eat and talk with her beloved folks. So of course I wouldn't have a wedding full of "dignity and moral seriousness," because I'm pretty undignified and goofy. I'm also narcissistic and used to work in marketing (read as: self-promotion).
This is all to say: I'm part of the problem.
I like to think that Offbeat Bride encourages each of you to pursue your most authentic wedding, and for those of you who are thoughtful, that should mean obsessing over your vows as much as you obsess over your shoes. For those of you who are like me, I guess that means planning one hell of a party and dorking out over independent fashion designers. I'd like to make sure I'm representing the more thoughtful side of things as well — Tribe members should be sure to tag their philosophizing posts OMGOBT if they'd like us to consider them as a guest post. I know there are lots of awesome bloggers who do a lot of deep thoughtful writing about weddings.
...and I like fancy dresses? SAD FACE.
No, whatever: I think it's just important that each of us know ourselves well. Know your foibles and blind spots and weaknesses, in life and in wedding planning, and take a second to examine them and work on them. It's crucial for each of us to step back from the dizzying swirl of wedding details and color schemes and party plans and think about what it all means.
And so: what does it all mean to you?
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
booandgagamomma said
I have been pondering narcissism being the crypt keeper of modern marriage for some time now (sociology nerd.) When I take into account both my grandparents 45 year marriage and my parents 2 year marriage, the difference that jumps out the most to me is the level of narcissism and self promotion.
My grandparents lived in a time where people weren't worried about psychologically damaging you by giving critique. There were more children per family, less money to go around, and no energy to spend on selfish endeavors. My mom on the other hand was an only child. Doted on, praised, and encourage to be whoever she wanted. Now I'm not saying these things are bad. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do these things with my children.
The only issue was this was one of the first generations through time to get this level of admiration and attention and noone realized the repercussions. We have to remember in relationships (marriage especially) that it's not all about us. We need to lose the self entitlement, suck it up, and work through the hard times….instead of fleeing because you know we deserve so much better!
There are a ton of broken people out there searching for this flawless person to worship them because they never got the memo that they don't exist. We have to have forgiveness, humility, selflessness, humbleness, and unbridled compassion for a marriage to truly work. As far as the wedding day goes….to me its all poppycock. As long as you have the rest of your days in check and know how to give the most of yourself to you partner, then do what you want. It is only ONE day correct? Focus on your ever after.
Cady said
I just want everyone to have a good time. I want everyone to be able to say, "Gosh, that was a fun wedding."
Jessica_Iowa said
It took me some time to digest this article. I did reflect on how I'd grown as a person in the last year and 3 months. I've become much more self aware while planning the wedding and in general. I’ve also been able to separate myself from situations around me. I believe that I can contribute this personal growth to wedding planning in part.
I don’t feel “narcissism and self-promotion†in our wedding; we may be too early in the stages. However, wedding planning is a two person job and this person loves her pretties. But, and this is an important but, I’ve always seen the value and power of vows. I’ve always been that little girl who saw vows-promises as things with real power. (Pinky swears still matter to me!) Our wedding will have to reflect my respect for vows power for it to be meaningful.
Jen said
I really can honestly say I don't feel like this article pertains to me. We're having a wedding for everyone else because to us it doesn't matter. I mean, we are designing everything how we'd like it, but it's just not that big of a deal. I've not had a freak out or an "OMG MUST HAVE THAT" moment (yet!). To me, this wedding just isn't all that important. Having lived with FH for a while, it just doesn't feel like that big of a deal. We just wanted to do something with our friends and family to celebrate love, both our love for each other and for our friends.
Kim said
This reminds me of Ariel's post on authenticity v. attention. It also reminds me of when wedding magazines (scarily) talk about "branding" your wedding. I want my wedding to reflect us as a couple, not attempt to sell our "brand" of taste.
Larry James said
At a recent rehearsal, the mother of the bride began to take control of the rehearsal. It was apparent that the daughter was not going to speak up so I leaned over to her mother and whispered in her ear, "This is not your wedding! It is your daughter's wedding. You already had yours. She has already decided what she wants, so please let her have it." She was visibly pissed! Her daughter asked, "What did you say to my mom?" When I told her, she said, "YES!"
At the reception the mother came over to me, gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "I am so sorry I made such a scene at the rehearsal. My daughter's wedding was perfect. Thank you for standing up for my daughter."
Every bride and groom should make their own choices about what is in their ceremony and how it is performed without any influence from their parents, friends or family! Let's face it, narcissism is in. The bride and groom's wedding IS about them.
Sarah said
The question becomes who the wedding is for–is it for the couple, or for the community?
I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine, where she related that she and her now-husband had gone to the courthouse to pick up their marriage license and she'd tried to convince him to just marry her and have done with it right there. Her opinion was that they were already committed to each other in their hearts–they knew it, their families knew it, and God knew it, so they didn't need a big ceremony. They could just sign the license for legal purposes and call it good.
Her now-husband's opinion, which I share, was that the wedding was also for their friends and family–that the community they had chosen to include themselves in deserved to participate in a community-oriented ritual.
Her argument was that the marriage was for them, his argument was that the marriage was for everyone. The commitment was for them.
Is it narcissistic to focus on yourself and your partner during a wedding? Yes, but it's a good kind of narcissism–the same kind that has you checking yourself out in the mirror because you look hot today.
What's bad is when you focus on yourself and your wedding to the exclusion of everything else. You need to appreciate the contributions of your friends and family, and not just fret that they're arranging the flowers wrong or dropped off the cake 5 minutes late. Remember to say thank you. Remember that your wedding is about you and your partner, but it's a group effort, even if the only thing your guests do to help is show up! 
alexandria[pro] said
I really feel like this conversation isn't just about weddings; what you're describing is the atmosphere of the internet world, and how we are constantly trying to prove how unique we are, and how worthy of attention we are. We blog about everything from our cats to our businesses, we post videos of ourselves talking about politics or how to do make-up, we post a thousand pictures of ourselves in our most hipster outfits and rad hair. We have to be "FIRST" on forum posts, we have to prove how much funnier we are than the rest of the people on the internet. So why would we treat our weddings any differently? We blog about anything from our dress to our self-written vows, we post videos of how to make a paper flower bouquet, and we post a thousand pictures of our wedding hair-do. We have to be more unique than any other bride on the internet.
Within OBB, though, I feel this has become a safe space, and our narcissism, so be it, has bloomed if only because we are safe, and we are accepted. But, we are all supporting each other. It would be ugly narcissism if we bragged and then put down another couple for their choices, but I never see that on OBB/OBBT. I think we are about the safest place to be on the internet. <3
Ariel said
Aww. This makes me happy.
Katherine said
To me, narcissism becomes a problem when you start pulling other people into it. When friendships start to fray because they're expected to attend an engagement party, a bridal shower, a lingerie shower, a "stock the bar" party, a couples shower, a bachelor/ette party and the wedding and reception, and, by the way, bring a gift to all of those–any bride should be able to see she's expecting too much. Especially when added on top of the $260 bridesmaid's dress, the $75 shoes the bride has her heart set on, all the underpinnings, plus travel to the wedding and accommodations. When the couple snubs family and friends who can't come to their destination wedding or who can't afford anything off their registry, they're way too self-focused.
Weddings should absolutely be about the couple, but that's no excuse for extorting friends or alienating family. Of course, I also think wedding should have at least some dignity and solemnity. These are serious vows you're taking. Not to say you can't laugh or have fun, but recognize what it is you're doing–and mean what you say in your vows.
Lena said
Even assuming that narcissism can be awesome, I still have a problem with wedding narcissism specifically. It's awesome to self-promote and be proud (and even brag sometimes) about your skills. I'm not ashamed to enjoy being the center of attention when I'm singing onstage. What bugs me is that getting married isn't a skill or anything, I just got lucky. I can't feel right about being narcissistic that way just because I found a man.
Plus, I'm OK with being a big diva at a concert because I am giving people something (a performance). But at a wedding I'm asking something from them – to support my marriage and to remind me of these vows when I need it. How can I be a big diva when they're giving me so much more than a party can ever repay?
unionmaidn said
I love so many of these comments. I want to add a bit to Danikat's earlier comment, that we can't always know what made a couple decide this or that about their wedding. Weddings, lest we forget, used to be (and still are, in lots of cases) simply a way for the bride's family to showcase their wealth and status in front of the groom's family so the groom's parents wouldn't feel they were getting a bargain basement bride. That's it. Dowry, hope chest, blah blah blah. Today's brides (myself included) may feel we need to decouple ourselves (pun intended) from that chauvinist history, which is fine. But if we FORGET that weddings were originally all about money and conspicuous consumption, I think we run the risk of repeating the essential mistake of those earlier weddings, which was placing focus on the form, not the content, of the event. I'm just re-stating what's been said eleventy hundred times on this site already–that a radical re-thinking of weddings has GOT to place the couple's–or polyfamily's–love & commitment at the center, or at least prioritize it over the birdcage veils. End of sermon.
Erika said
A lot of these comments make me sad in a sort of accidental way. See, we don't have a loving and supportive community. At all. So the whole crisis of narcissism vs. including all the wonderful people who love you and how marriage is all about those outside of the couple who support them, how it's a union of more than two people? That doesn't apply. and that hurts.
Our wedding will be just the two of us. Because it has to be. Because we're the only two people who fully love and support each other. What might appear to be narcissism is actually emotional self preservation.
I wish I could wring my hands and distress over whether all my loving, supportive family members will be comfortable and fully included in the ceremony. Instead we have to do this ourselves or risk filling the day, risk filling our lives, with hatred and poison. It sucks. a lot. But I'm not trying to complain. My point is…
I don't know. My point is just that it makes me sad, I guess.
Lore said
For what my non-bride opinion is worth, you raise a good point. I think in a lot of cases, it's actually the people telling the couple in question what they should or shouldn't do for their own wedding who are the real narcissists.
Look at it this way – a person isn't a narcissist if she chooses to wear her favorite color even though everyone in her life hates that color. (I'm theorizing in a day-to-day context here, not a wedding.) Why is it anyone's business whether she wears that color or not? On the other hand, a person *is* a narcissist if he dictates that everyone in his life has to wear his favorite color whether or not they like it. Why is it his business what color anyone else wears?
Kristen said
Very thought provoking.
What I think – it's not about me, it's not about him, it's not about our family, and friends – it's about ALL of that. It's celebrating who you were before, who you are now, who got you there, etc.
If we wanna play dress-up while celebrating all that mushy stuff…. why not? :3 We're all 5 year olds at heart, trying on our mother's dresses (not that mine had any, lol), right? Might as well embrace it and have fun. Or if we're the sweats and t-shirt kind of people, why not do that?
Luska said
I have a cousin who just got married. I am very happy for her. I wasn't able to go to the wedding because she lives too far away. At first I was very disappointed at not being able to go and share in her special day. That faded quickly after reading her constant Facebook updates about her, her fabulousness as the bride etc. It didn't end there, she is now on her honeymoon and is commenting on how fabulous she is, how beautiful her husband thinks she is etc. etc. I believe in celebrating life's special moments, but you are not having a coronation when you get married, you are just celebrating your love with family and friends. You are not a real princess, so brides, don't act like one. Feel happy, lucky and special, but don't feel like you are THE CHOSEN ONE. You haven't been anointed you just got engaged and now you are getting married.
Bridette said
Hmm, what was the question? I lost track in the comments but here are my thoughts.
I was having dinner with another bride-to-be recently and realized a stark contrast in our almost identical weddings. She turned to me and said, "its ridiculous how much thought and effort we put into the party aspect and almost none into the marriage part". I turned to her and said honestly, "that's not true for us. We have spent hours and hours, weekends on top of weekends preparing our marriage. Our priest led us through pre-cana, sure, but each of us took it especially seriously and had a lot of talks and a lot of disagreements so when we get to the altar, we know what we are promising".
This sounds harsh but I have been encouraging some sort of wedding prep for them, some discussion of the vows and she was largely ignoring me and so I had some concern. I feel for atheists/agnostics because so much of the marriage prep is largely cloaked in religion. Its so much harder for those peeps to find meaningful marriage discussion that doesn't cram a certain belief down their throats…which was the problem my friend was having. SO, its easy to just cruise along on planning the wedding part cuz seriously, as complicated as f-ing seating charts are, at least its not scary. Marriage discussions are scary…but sometimes, sometimes its great too. I mean, the pre-cana put a question in the book: I think you would leave me if this happened:__________ I mean HOLY CRAP – that was scary. but it turned out great.
Anyhow – I left that conversation thinking that it was just like college. I'm looking around at all the kids making A's and partying and wondering when the hell they study. And then I go to the library and see the same kids. On the surface, the weddings may look the same – but the people in them are different – some are narcisstic and a show and some are thoughtful, heartfelt and real- and looking at where they take place, how traditional or offbeat, or what religion they believe, gives you no clue to which is which. IT just depends on the people (haha thats individualism isn't it?)(and my friend is not narcissitic by the way – Im just using it as an example of you can't always see the forest through the trees)
Offbeat bride is meaningful to me because yes, its individualistic, but that doesn't make it narcissitic. Supporting brides in creating their vision often shows their willingness to compromise for their families – their partnership with the love they are committing to. lots of examples of this here. Satan worshipping brides that try to limit the satan speak for their mother's sake is not narcissitic – its quite sensitive and loving. Vegetarians serving meat for their guests, heteros making a pro-LBGTQ statement in their prayers, a partner acquiesing to the black dress because his wife is not a white dress kinda girl…or a dress girl for that matter. Thats the opposite of narcissistic –
In my case, I'm offbeat lite…and having a wedding thats true to my core but its lavish and its traditional on the surface – you have to dig to find the offbeat parts. I watch offbeat bride because watching people on the happiest day of their life reminds me that even though I'm dealing with a crapload of reception details I don't care about, its going to be great. I don't have to do anything – I could do nothing but make sure the priest, fiance and me are there and it would be great.
(AND before the internets go crazy – I support all of the people I named above – your marriage is not doomed if you didn't do marriage prep, I just think it makes the post-wedding journey an itsy-bitsy bit easier).