The hubs and me — photo by Maui wedding photographer Jana Morgan.
The other day I was thinking about marriage and my husband and what it means to be with that one person for the rest of my life. Not that it's bad or anything, on the contrary — I love my husband to death and I'm glad that we're married. But that day I was struck by a few thoughts about this whole marriage business…
After a talk with a single friend about his new love interest, the thought struck me that I will never again get to experience the thrill and romance of new love. That whole time in my life is over for me. That's means that wow, I probably will never feel that one-of-a-kind, stomach-twisting, nerve-tingling, hormone-churning Brand New Love feeling again.
(Sad face.)
Solidifying that notion was the thought that my husband (and most of the men I've dated) will never be as romantic as he was when we first met. All those Brand New Love hormones dissolve and then, once you're married, not only does it dissolve but daily life gets in your way what with worries about horribly boring things like insurance, rent checks and thoughts about romance and grand gestures too easily get swept aside to deal with real life issues.
Then, of course, while I was fretting over my el depresso thoughts, I got a phone call about my parents' impending divorce, which then REALLY ruined my day.
When Aaron come home from work that day I immediately let him know that I was having a rough time. And instead of ignoring me to play video games, he sat and watched ridiculous movies with me all night. Watching movies turned into cuddling, which turned into talk of sexy-time, and so we made our way into the bedroom. Once in bed and in his arms I ended up bawling my eyes out! (WTF Megan!? Way to be sexy.) But Aaron was awesome. He talked me through all my emo bullshit and then he acted silly with me to make me laugh. And it's like — Okay, we may not be as romantic as we were when we first started dating, but we ALWAYS have each other's back. And that is pretty damn romantic!
My husband was so romantic by just being sweet to me that night. It didn't take a grand gesture, it didn't take buying me something, and it didn't take a new love — it just took the time that he wanted to spend getting laid, and spending it instead talking to me about about my feeeeeelings and then trying to make me laugh. Amazing.
Then I realized that even though I will never again experience the thrill of a new relationship, I have the thrill of a growing relationship. And as my relationship grows, so should my ideas of romance. It's not always flowers and making out and playing Peter Gabriel songs on a boombox. Sometimes it's crying followed by making jokes about naming your unborn children terrible things (like "Awesome" and "Second Kid").
Thanks to the universe and my husband for giving my sad-pants attitude the little kick in the ass that it needed.
Yup, we still got it. Photo by the amazing Jana Morgan.
About Megan Finley
Megan Finley is the Managing Editor for Offbeat Bride and the Associate Publisher for the Offbeat Empire. When she's not slaving away for the Empire, she's sharing her dork side on her own blog and on Twitter @meganfinley.
Rebecca said
I admire the sentiment of this post, but I would also like to point out an alternative mindset. There are many very committed couples and spouses who participate in polyamory. They have happy marriages, and they also enjoy the spark of "Brand New Love" with others. It's not a black and white, either/or choice for everyone
Miranda said
Rebecca, you are right on the money there. In addition, I have found that when you are polyamorous, the spark of being with someone new brings a spark back to the main relationship as well. It's great not to have to choose, and to be able to experience all the shades of love possible.
Erika said
I would love to see a poly celebration* on offbeat bride! I'm guessing none have been submitted, otherwise it would have been posted by now.
*and actually, any sort of BDsm-community representation would be awesome. I came across a collaring ceremony on a site that makes fun of wedding pictures, and it made me kind of sad inside, sad that the only BDsm wedding I could find online was represented as something freakish and gross. I'd love to see pictures and details in a way that isn't "Look how different. Ew! Oh no!" and more "Look how different! Awesome! High five!"
You know?
Offbeat Megan said
Believe me, we'd love to see more of them on the site too! We've actually featured two weddings under the polyamory tag, and hopefully we'll get more of them submitted to us in the future.
Ms.NT said
You know it's funny, for the longest time in my teens and 20s, I swore I would never get married, because I always wanted to be falling in and out of love. I was like a feelings junkie. But then two things happened. I grew up and realized that constantly falling in deep dramatic love, fighting to keep the passion high and then breaking up, is no way to build a stable life. Also, I fell in love with my now husband, and it was so mind-blowingly awesome that I realized I would never, ever want to find "new love" again, because it just couldn't hold a candle to what I was feeling at that time.
jane said
Hi,
We thought about having the second one of these readings at our wedding, but my husband was worried it would make him cry. The first just makes me smile.
Funny wedding readings – Unititled by Bee Rawlinson
Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears.
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it's meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles
As the need for love enthralls
Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my life for you
The Beauty of Love
The question is asked: “Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?†And the answer is given: “Yes, there is a more beautiful thing.
"It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled but still clasped; their faces are seamed but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired but still strong with love and devotion. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.â€
Anon
RubyAlison said
I'm getting married in just over a couple weeks, so I'm a bride to be. But my man and I have been together for over 14 years – so we are definitely Old Love.
And it really is the best. It may not be flutter in my stomach exciting like new love – but to me new love was always wrapped up in insecurity and anxiety too.
I feel so lucky to have a love that I feel absolutely secure in, to love a man I know so completely well and that knows me so completely well, that I trust in a way that can only come from time.
We make an effort (an enjoyable and pleasant effort) to be romantic with each other and to show appreciation and still say please and thank you and all that. We kiss A LOT and say I Love You A LOT.
We've been through all sorts of good and all sorts of bad and our relationship just keeps getting better and better. Each year that passes our love becomes deeper, stronger, and more beautiful. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Olivia said
Aw, thanks for posting this! To echo previous comments, I'm so glad to see posts about being married and not just planning a wedding. Really, we're all planning a wedding in preparation for a marriage. (More or less anyway.)
Last night, my FH told me, "Sometimes after I hug you, you look at me with a smile that's very special. It looks like you're the happiest girl in the world, and it reminds me why I'm the happiest guy in the world." That's worth a million new relationships to me.
Nicki D. said
I, too, was worried about the direction my relationship with my fiancé was going. Last fall, before I left for Basic Training, so much of the time we spent together consisted of, "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" that I was terrified I'd come back and find out we had nothing in common anymore. The breathless, heart-pounding thrill was gone. And come January, I was going to BCT in Missouri, then AIT in Virginia, and then getting stationed in Oklahoma, all while he finished his degree back home in New Jersey. I would get to see him for 2 days at the end of Basic, a week and a half before I left for OK, and MAYBE he'd be able to afford to fly out to see me some time in August, and that's all I'd see of him until maybe a week before our wedding in December! A whole year with less than 3 weeks to spend together.
But while the last 7 months have been hard on both of us, they've made me realize one thing: what we had never died, it only matured. We were starting to grow out of the "new love" phase. "New love" might not have survived the separation, let alone the profound changes Army training makes in a person. But my FH and I are still going stronger than ever, even with 1500 miles between us. Traditionally romantic outings may be out of the question (not to mention sex), but there is still romance in little things.
Like the letter he sent me in BCT that was 10 pages long because he included descriptions of every single card in the Magic: the Gathering set that was releasing–because we both agree that the best part of a new release is spoiler season!
Like the way he tells me "You're gonna destroy this thing" before every PT test, even if it's a retake because I failed the run AGAIN.
Like the way he texts me every day just to say "I love you."
But…
The thought still lingered in my mind. What if, when we do get married and he moves out here with me, we lose it again?
So what I wrote this long, rambling comment to say is, thank you, because now I realize that we won't. Our relationship may continue to change, and I hope it will–for without change there can be no growth, and without growth there can only be death.
rumorsofmydemise said
Someone out there must have known that I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
nikki626 said
1~thank you megan for the great words
2~thank you for that amazing quote which has been added to possibilities of what i want my friend to say during the ceremony.
3~kids names…once upon a time, my (former) best friend told me i should never have kids, because i would come up with names like elvis and elvira for fraternal twins, or jareth for a boy (BIG labyrinth fan), or trixibelle for a grrl. nowadays, when i text my favorite half "if we have twins i'm naming the elvis aaron and jesse garon after elvis and his twin", his response is "what if they're grrls?", so i reply "don't care! not changing it!" and he just sends me
he's amamzing!
Tiomela said
I was almost named after a boy because boys are always first, even though the ultrasound said that I was going to be a boy, I don't think my dad really believed it.
I almost had a boy's name.
Tiomela said
Ten years into a relationship, I am SO glad I will never have to look for a relationship again. I am glad I will never have to experience new love with all of it's awkward and funny feelings.
I got the best love. And I still get those happy silly feelings for my honey.