The hubs and me — photo by Maui wedding photographer Jana Morgan.
The other day I was thinking about marriage and my husband and what it means to be with that one person for the rest of my life. Not that it's bad or anything, on the contrary — I love my husband to death and I'm glad that we're married. But that day I was struck by a few thoughts about this whole marriage business…
After a talk with a single friend about his new love interest, the thought struck me that I will never again get to experience the thrill and romance of new love. That whole time in my life is over for me. That's means that wow, I probably will never feel that one-of-a-kind, stomach-twisting, nerve-tingling, hormone-churning Brand New Love feeling again.
(Sad face.)
Solidifying that notion was the thought that my husband (and most of the men I've dated) will never be as romantic as he was when we first met. All those Brand New Love hormones dissolve and then, once you're married, not only does it dissolve but daily life gets in your way what with worries about horribly boring things like insurance, rent checks and thoughts about romance and grand gestures too easily get swept aside to deal with real life issues.
Then, of course, while I was fretting over my el depresso thoughts, I got a phone call about my parents' impending divorce, which then REALLY ruined my day.
When Aaron come home from work that day I immediately let him know that I was having a rough time. And instead of ignoring me to play video games, he sat and watched ridiculous movies with me all night. Watching movies turned into cuddling, which turned into talk of sexy-time, and so we made our way into the bedroom. Once in bed and in his arms I ended up bawling my eyes out! (WTF Megan!? Way to be sexy.) But Aaron was awesome. He talked me through all my emo bullshit and then he acted silly with me to make me laugh. And it's like — Okay, we may not be as romantic as we were when we first started dating, but we ALWAYS have each other's back. And that is pretty damn romantic!
My husband was so romantic by just being sweet to me that night. It didn't take a grand gesture, it didn't take buying me something, and it didn't take a new love — it just took the time that he wanted to spend getting laid, and spending it instead talking to me about about my feeeeeelings and then trying to make me laugh. Amazing.
Then I realized that even though I will never again experience the thrill of a new relationship, I have the thrill of a growing relationship. And as my relationship grows, so should my ideas of romance. It's not always flowers and making out and playing Peter Gabriel songs on a boombox. Sometimes it's crying followed by making jokes about naming your unborn children terrible things (like "Awesome" and "Second Kid").
Thanks to the universe and my husband for giving my sad-pants attitude the little kick in the ass that it needed.
Yup, we still got it. Photo by the amazing Jana Morgan.
About Megan Finley
Megan Finley is the Managing Editor for Offbeat Bride and the Associate Publisher for the Offbeat Empire. When she's not slaving away for the Empire, she's sharing her dork side on her own blog and on Twitter @meganfinley.
Celeste said
Dude, L.O.L. on the children's names! My FH and I like to do that too, but "Second Kid" just about tops off the list. I am emailing him this article. Thanks for the perspective!
Jesse said
Family story:
After fifteen years of marriage, my parents are talking and my Dad says "You know, I never really loved you when we were first married."
My Mom was understandably crushed. But as she thought about it, she came to this conclusion: He couldn't compared his love for her now to the love he had for her fifteen years ago.
I too am looking forward to the "old love" as my fiance and I get married and start to live our lives together. New love is awesome. But it has too many ups and downs compared to old love.
Offbeat Megan said
Aw, "New love is awesome. But it has too many ups and downs compared to old love." I like that a LOT.
Charlie said
That reminds me of the awesome Michael Bolton song "Said I Loved You But I Lied." He sings about how his love has grown so much that he now realizes that, compared to now, he didn't really love her when he first said it.
Little Red Lupine said
I agree. 100%. Realizing how good it is to be in that longterm relationship is awesome. Knowing my FH can always make me laugh when I need cheering up, and that he still loves me after I'm bitchy because I'm overheated and have been hauling luggage is awesome. Or that he offered to come to the hospital with me to visit family, despite absolutely hating hospitals. That is way better than that new love feeling any day, in my books at least.
Nathalie said
omg, I thought we were the only ones to joke about naming our kids stupid things. Like Throbert.
Offbeat Megan said
Oh my shit! "Throbert" is amazing.
M said
Hahaha, the phrase "oh my shit" is amazing!
Uggh said
I like to think up children's names that take a little bit of effort to figure out what's wrong with them. Initials are great for this. My fiance's last name starts with "S," so I'm fond of recommending Aaron Steven if it's a boy, or Bradley.
QoB said
I know someone whose initials spell "I'm God". Funny thing is, his parents never realised.
Meghan said
My married initials are MEG and although I hate being called Meg, it makes me happy.
Nicki D. said
I have a friend in the Army who had to use an alternate spelling for her son's middle name, lest his initials be I. E. D.!
dootsiebug said
Just when things start to feel irreversibly boring and mundane in a relationship, a twist of fate makes you experience NEW new love for the person you've loved all along. And I think that's somehow more exciting than regular ol' new love.
robyn said
i wish there was a "like" button for this, i totally agree
Amerikanka said
Absolutely true. Just because it's the same old person doesn't mean it can't be new love…
Erika said
Thank you so much for this important post. I wish there was more of this on the site – like, I know it's Offbeat BRIDE and not Offbeat WIFE and technically I'm still an offbeat bride and not a wifey yet but still…this addressed a lot of fears that I've been afraid to speak out loud and it was described with honesty and wisdom and humor and…I just can't thank you enough for this.
As much as I love the posts about rockabilly dresses and tiny feathery hats, THIS is what I really need from Offbeat Bride.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Offbeat Megan said
Hey Erika, first of all you are SO welcome. I'm really glad this resonated with you. And second, we have actually had some similar feedback before and we very much agreed with it. So we're definitely making an effort to feature more meaty posts like these that deal with the nitty gritty of marriage. We're lookin' out for you girl!
CraftyKate said
Yes please.
Although I am still very much in love, sometimes it feels like the wedding planning and people planning just gets in the way!
I'm looking forward to being married (in a month) and 'returning to real life' – we have a date night once a week (so we can have qualitity time together) and it will be so nice to have weekends for adventures and outings rather then wedding planning!
Then we can start on the baby making too!!!
Sarah said
Ditto, 10000%, particularly because I've been having a minor (see: major) freakout about this exact issue this week!
Noseinthegrass said
Same here. I've been freaking out about the lack of romance in our relationship lately. Luckily, my boy is understanding and has made an effort the past couple days.
Zoey said
COMPLETELY AGREE!! Thank you for this…it really hit home! And dude, those pictures of the shark attack on the blog are ridiculous!!!!
Offbeat Megan said
HA! I know, right? I hope you read the warning before you got confronted with the leg meat, some people skip over that and are unprepared.
jesscar said
Agreed!
Kerry said
Thanks for putting yourself out there to give us all this post.
It's sad that we usually only hear about this aspect of long-term relationships in a joking or resigned manner (i.e. all the old tired quips about couples never having sex after marriage and wives who are cold in bed and ball and chain ridiculousness) instead of owning this as a realistic challenge to face with your partner and something to work on, together, forever.
Swatchbuckler said
My FH gets really angry when people (i.e. coworkers, uncles, etc.) say "It's never the same after you get married," or "You're gonna have to start doing everything she says from now on," or "ball and chain" remarks and other stupid comments like that. We've been together for almost 6 years, and have only fallen deeper and deeper in love, (and become better and better friends!) and have become more and more committed to taking care of one another for the rest of our lives. Hence WHY we are getting married! It's truly frustrating to hear these sorts of comments, and I completely agree that it's totally refreshing to read about working on your relationship in a healthy way, instead of whining and turning to old cliches.
Zoot said
Puntach was brought up as a potential child's name. It's also the name of my boy's favorite Dungeons and Dragon's character.
Zoot said
and by "Dragon's", I meant "Dragons". I really have to proofread before closing the page.
Katy said
Hey if you take the apostophe as possesive it kinda makes sense given that most DnD dragons like to believe they own the whole world and…I've just realised this is actually too nerdy for the internet.
Offbeat Megan said
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion… someone was actually TOO nerdy for the entire internet. Katy you should get some kind of award.
JB said
Well, don't quote me because I don't quite remember where I heard this (I think it was Motherlode on NYT), but they did this study of couples in their 80s, who had been married a long time, and 90% of them (!) say that they do not have that "spark" anymore like when they first met.
At first glance that sounds depressing, but think – as you yourself mature and change, so does your relationship….sure, it's not a "spark" like when you first met, but something more long-lasting, you know they'll be there for you in tough times, etc.
Similar to – you don't love, say, Sesame Street as much as you used to, but you look back on it with fondness and you still watch TV, but different programs now, etc. (Or maybe I just need to get out of the house more…maybe that wasn't a good example LOL).
Basically, you'll change as you become older *anyway,* the trick is to find someone whom you're willing to take that gamble to stay alongside you, through the changes of yourselves and life.
Natalie said
Thanks for posting this. I have been going through the same annoying nagging thoughts that I will never experience that new love again. This helps a lot to know that I am not alone. I have been feeling so guilty even having these thoughts because I am so lucky to have found someone so compatible that I love and he loves me back. I am blessed too.
Emily said
This just made me so happy to read; thanks for sharing!
femmeknitzi said
I've been thinking about this too. About how the definition of romance has to change as you and your partner change. It really does become romantic for your partner to let you cry on his/her shoulder because you had a bad day. What really thrills me is to imagine and anticipate how romance will change when we've been together for 10 years or 40! It probably won't always be sexy, but it'll always be important.
Laura said
My husband and I have had a long running joke about naming our future kids after prescription drugs adverstised on TV. Like, "Lunesta! Cymbalta! Get in here girls!" Every time we see a new commercial, we add another imaginary kid to our brood.
Celeste said
Hahaha, that's awesome. I love it.
Becky said
ever seen this SNL skit?
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/94/94qdaycamp.phtml
Offbeat Megan said
HA! I hadn't seen that skit before. "Okay.. I want Chinchilla, Hyperbole, Frigidaire and Bulimia – over here, right now!" All amazing name choices.
Laura said
I hadn't seen it either. Hilarious!
miriam said
hahaha! My terrible fictional child's name for a long time was Spatula Moonbeam. Then one day me and the husband (still feels a bit wierd calling him that) were joking that when we got married, we'd change both our last names to Skankypants (don't ask). Obviously our future fictional children would then have to be called Spanky, Hanky and Panky (The last two being fictional twins). So glad we're not the only ones to do this
Holly said
What an amazing post, and so real to me. Actually, its basically IDENTICAL to our "Holly is freaking out so lets make her feel better" nights. LOL He takes amazing care of me and I wouldn't trade that for all the "first kisses" in the world!
Allison Hall said
At 62, I suspect I'm your oldest reader; and my husband and I have been married for 33 years. We still hold hands in public, and sometimes we're mistaken for newlyweds. That's pretty great when it happens, but it happens because we work at our marriage. Although its style has changed as we age, we still have romance in our lives. I don't know if this will make sense to you, but love changes along with the one's body providing metaphysical strength as the physical strength declines.
The quote by Louis de Bernieres which follows is a lovely and true description of the evolution of love, the best I've found.
"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love' which any fool can do.
"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."
~Louis de Bernieres, "Corelli's Mandolin"
Meg said
I really appreciate this comment and would love to hear more from you, somehow!
We need more 62 yr. olds with relationship experience writing for the wedding/newlywed blogs… it's so encouraging and helpful.
Ann D said
That gave me goosebumps. Thank you.
Robie said
Ditto to that! That was wonderful!
Sevillalost said
Thank you for this comment!
Erin said
That quote is absolutely beautiful. I'm tucking that away for my husband (I'm a newlywed) and I to refer to as we grow gracefully into "old love"
Erika said
I keep rereading that quote and feeling new things each time. I'm tucking it away as a possible reading for our ceremony; Andrew and I have been together over four years and while I'd say we're still in that butterflies in-love place, I can definitely feel our roots wrapping around each other (like an underground hug).
I just feel really good, after this post and all the discussion.
Lydia said
I've never posted on OBB before, but this quote is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, and this post made me cry, so I had to. Thanks for sharing, ladies. Truly.
Michelle said
Thank you so, so much for this. I feel like this describes my relationship with my fiance perfectly. We started out as friends for years, and never really had the sparks and fireworks of a new relationship since we were already such a huge part of each others' lives before getting together.
We always tell people how we didn't fall in love – We grew into love instead.
Meghan said
We used this as one of our readings at our wedding! Thank you so much for posting it here. I cried when I first read it and I think I'll cry whenever I read it or hear it both because it's beautiful and because I'll forever think of my wonderful husband. I'm with you Michelle too! We were friends for years before dating, although I had a crush on him the whole time.
Ang said
We had this reading at our wedding because it defines our relationship so well. Matt has never been super uber romantic, and sometimes when I see lovely dovey couples I get kind of "Awww… nuts" that we don't have that. But it's the stupid little stuff, like if he buys Club crackers he automatically buys M&Ms because the two together are my favorite snack. That when I can't sleep because I've been working til 3AM he stays up and watches bad Syfy movies with me even though he has to be up for work at 5:30. Because he isn't over the top romantic all the time, the little things he does mean so much more.
Marriage is a job. It's a job you choose, it's a job with amazing benefits, but there are going to be rough times and you can't quit just because it's not fun anymore. Being up front about the little problems right away, keeps them from festering into huge ones that "come from no where" later on. The work that we do to keep our marriage going smoothly helps us bond, helps us grow closer together so we're even stronger when the crappy times do come. I'd rather have that than flowers and candle lit dinners any day.
Mahal said
Out running a few years back, I saw an elderly couple on their lawn. The old chap had to use a walker to get up his driveway, his lady wasn't much quicker on her feet. They were obviously having a good laugh about something, and she affectionately swatted him on the butt, then hobbled over to him and gave him a hug.
They are the old people I want to be when I'm in my 70's.
misty said
yes!! we definately need more older women on here willing to give (goood) advice to the rest of us! i for one would be thrilled to sit and listen. aak you are all making me teary tonight lol
Thea said
That is a beautiful quote…and so absolutely true!
One of the reasons my first marriage ended was because he wasn't willing/able to change with me or accept the changes in me. That was heartbreaking. Now, while not married, I've been in a wonderful relationship for six years. We both work at making this a strong relationship. And that means so much more to me than the new love feeling. I know that when things are hard, he'll be there for me–just like I am for him.
Dani B said
That is the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time! In a world where marriages are so often portrayed as either temporary or something that you suffer through it's inspiring to hear about a couple that has worked so hard and is still enjoying a wonderful relationship after 33 years!!
As a soon to be newly wed these are the kind of things that I want to hear about. Not miserable people trying to convince me that I'll be joining them soon.
colleen said
what a great post- the older I get the less I can tolerate people who go into auto-drive after getting married (or even just after being past the 'new' stage of a relationship)and just rag on their other and act like its no fun from there on- Im really touched by how you gave an example of how sometimes the beautiful parts of a relationship can be overlooked cause their not considered sexy or exciting-
sorry if that was crazy rambling
Offbeat Megan said
Not crazy rambling at all — that was exactly what I was going for!
Kristine said
That's one of the biggest things that actually surprised me when I started dating my boyfriend. So many people went "Oh, you're happy now, but just you wait!" Really? If you're that unhappy in your relationship dude, you need to re-evaluate. Sure, there's ups and downs, but you should still be happy.
I don't know, when someone I know gets in a relationship, my reaction is to be happy for them, not warn them they'll be miserable soon enough. (And the poor boyfriend has had to deal with plenty of my weepy, stressed out bad days, and he's always amazing and happy to help.)
[sidenote]This discussion is the first one that got me posting too. I've got a few years before it's really relevant for me, I guess, but it's just so interesting and fun. [/sidenote]
Sabrina said
This is a really great post – very funny and also honest. Thanks for sharing, and I love that pic of you against the sky!
Also @ Allison Hall: congratulations on such a long-lasting and happy marriage! I hope my husband and I may still be holding hands when we reach that stage of our lives
Ann D said
I still get fluttery around my fiance, but it's mostly when I'm being a total pervert and trying to look up his shorts when I have him on a ladder, killing a spider on the ceiling. Is that wrong?
Offbeat Megan said
No way! That's awesome! I pretend that I'm still "sleeping" while he's getting ready for work (showering, et al) and totally check him out.
Ann D said
I'm bad at pretending, and he can always tell when I'm awake. I pretty much just sit up and go, "Are you going to take your pants off now? That would be good." I think he's still a bit taken aback by my lack of subtlety.
Kate said
You are fantastic. Lack of subtlety is where it's at.
Cate said
Yes! I check my boyfriend out every day! Usually when he's changing, and I either growl appreciatively or whistle. We've been together over 2 years now, living together for 1. Sometimes bills and life issues, like broken cars and termites and law school finals, can really get in the way of romance. But I've realized he's ALWAYS there for me, and this post is right up there!
I told my boyfriend that I was just feeling a little sad recently, not for any particular reason, and I've been having insomnia (which he's super understanding and sweet). His solution? He's hosting "Christmas in July" where we're going to pull down all the ornaments and stockings and lights, and cook up a full turkey dinner! No gifts, just cards, and I love him so much for those little things.
ash said
Nope, that's totally awesome. Men in shorts are basically asking for it
They're like individual leg skirts…
Carolina said
Ah! I was actually thinking about this the other day. The whole I'll never experience the head over heels thing with Charlie anymore. Thanks for providing another perspective
Maggie said
AMEN! Thank you Megan, this post was wonderful. I was in a VERY committed relationship a few years ago that we were both sure would turn into marriage, and I felt these same feelings. But it didn't and I dated a few people after him and by the time I was engaged to my husband all I felt was relief that I wouldn't have to go through all the crap that goes along with dating. You're absolutely right; as your relationship expands with time, so do your ideas of romance.
Mariel Ashlinn said
I feel exactly the same way – as much as new love seems like a novelty, I knew that before I was with my SO I was looking for love in all the wrong places, being hurt again and again, and completely preoccupied with the idea of relationships.
I think you can still get that feeling of "new love" again and again with the same person, we've been together three years and I learn and fall in love with new things about him all the time. It's seriously just as good and just as fluttery.
Sevillalost said
Beautiful, thought provoking article, Megan. Thank you.
Halle said
I am so glad this is finally posted here at OBB for everyone to enjoy! I read this post on your personal blog a while back & have referred back to it now & then. My fiance & I have been through a hell of a lot since we've been engaged and sometimes I feel like our relationship is a bit lacking. Not because we love each other any less, but because it's human nature to get caught up in how you deal with things that you tend focus less on the person you're with & instead try to deal. Somehow my fiance has a way of throwing me back into reality whether it's telling me he thinks I'm gorgeous when I'm having one of my down-on-myself-depressed days & look like I stuck my finger in a light socket or coming up behind me for a lingering hug while I'm doing dishes… it's better than the pitter patters "new love" because it's the affirmation that you're truly with the right person!
Again, thank you Megan & OBB
Oh, and I think checking out your fiance/husband is a good thing! Trust me, they appreciate it too
Offbeat Megan said
"…it's human nature to get caught up in how you deal with things that you tend focus less on the person you're with & instead try to deal."
That is so very true. And right now I'm the one who's focusing on "just dealing" rather than being a good wife/citizen/friend, etc. And not only my husband but my friends have been so accommodating of my moods. That's just what people who love each other do for the people they love! And thanks for your support Halle.
SaraL said
I have had a couple panicked moments when I realized I wouldn't have that same "lightening" feel that I did when I first met my man ever again. However, the intimacy and the depth of the love that we have now… geez, nothing can ever compare to that. And we do still have the spark, I guess we are still going through that honeymoon stage, so I know it won't always be there, but I am going to enjoy it while it is lol!
briana said
i had known my fiance as a best friend for a long time before we started dating. about a year into our romantic relationship i totally panicked about never having "new love" again. i ended up having a conversation about it with a friend who said to me "if you really can't see yourself giving up dating, break up with him." (this sounds totally harsh, but truly, it wasn't.) it was at this point that i realized that i couldn't ever give him up and i wanted to be with him forever and ever! what started as me totally freaking out ended in such a wonderful realization.