On being an offbeat consumer
Philosophizing, Wedding trends
By
on June 21, 2010
42
One of my new favorite blogs is called "You Are Not So Smart," an homage to the psychology of irrational thinking. One of David McRaney's recent posts addressed the whole concept of "selling out." Although the angle felt a little remedial to this particular aging navel-gazing counter-culturist ("Duuuuude, you mean you're saying you can't rebel against consumerism by buying alternative stuff? You just blew my fucking mind! Now stop boggarting…") it's still an excellent read, especially through the filter of offbeat wedding planning.
"the system" doesn't give a shit about conformity. In fact, it loves diversity and needs people like hipsters and music snobs so it can thrive.
In other words, the Wedding Industrial Complex LOVES your unique elements and alternative twists. Go read the article, and then come back and let's discuss.
Here are a few choice quotes from the article that I thought were relevant to Offbeat culture:
The counter-culture, the indie fans and the underground stars – they are the driving force behind capitalism. They are the engine.
So here's the weird thing: I am now technically a member of the Wedding Industrial Complex. I work in the wedding industry! ME! A slovenly bride who wore a dress cobbled together from an eBay prom dress and a corset made by a drug addled Burning Man designer; a bride who gave ugly used mugs to her guests as "favors" (HA!); a bride who now makes her living from the wedding industry. I like to think my particular way of working in the industry (helping like-minded brides and vendors find each other though advertising) is helpful and authentic, but it's built basically on the idea that "the indie fans and underground stars" should feel like their weddings fit them.
To be clear, I don't see consumer as a bad word. Everyone's doing it. You just have to be clear on your consumer values, and stick to them. Maybe it's that you'll only buy from indie vendors on Etsy. Maybe it's that you want the cheapest deal so you can save up for your Master's Degree. Maybe for you it's that you'll only pay your friends. Whatever: consuming isn't bad. Mindless consumption is the enemy here.
Today, everyone is a consumer, and has to pick from the same selection of goods as everyone else, and because of this people now define their personalities on how good their taste is, or how clever, or how obscure, or how ironic their choices are.
This is part of why, whenever people have asked me for "tips on how to have a more offbeat wedding," I always shrug, quote yoda, and say I don't know. All you can do is try to have an authentic wedding, because whether you're trying to keep up with any kind of tastemaker (Martha Stewart, Offbeat Bride) or whether you're rebelling against them (fuck you and your weddings! I'm not getting married/getting married at a courthouse/getting married dressed like Satan/Not having a ring pillow even though I sort of like them because I'm SUPPOSED to have a ring pillow and don't go telling me what I'm supposed to like. Even though I do like it!) … you're planning a wedding for someone else.
Having a dissenting opinion on movies, music or clothes, or owning clever or obscure possessions is the way middle-class people fight each other for status. They can't out-consume each other because they can't afford it, but they can out-taste each other.
Ouch. It's cynical but you know what? It's true, and I see this embodied all sorts of ways in nontraditonal wedding culture. DIY machismo is one example. Wedding hipsterism is another, where novelty threatens to overwhelm authenticity. Budget one-lowsmanship, where how little money you spend is a matter of stern pride, and you get judgey about how much others spend. It's all forms of status-seeking and seriously: that's just fine. We all status seek — the issue is laying off the judgment of people who are seeking a status different than yours.
That bride on some reality show gritting her teeth and fighting for the overpriced ice sculpture that has to be dyed exactly to match the bridesmaids bouquets or else she's going to pitch a fit is just seeking a different status than the eco-bride who stays up at night worrying that her plastic cups aren't going to bio-degrade for 65 years and maybe she should buy a carbon off-set for her brother's flight. We can make a judgment call about whose anxiety is more worthy, but ultimately we're all just freaking out about shit and need to be more patient with each other.
The only way to have a truly offbeat wedding is to do what you like. Because if you're keeping up or rebelling someone else's status vision, you're wasting your time and resources. Focus that energy on your partner and what your commitment looks and feels like. Rebelling for the sake of rebelling is just as pointlessly time consuming as trying to keep up with the Joneses. Save your money!
I don't mean to get all existentialist on y'all here. I don't mean for it to sound cynical. I don't think it's a bad thing to use your consumerism to support the things you care about. As Megan said when we were chatting about this post, "if you can't beat 'em join and represent your niche." Once your inner 15-year-old brat gets over the inability to ever really rebel (go ahead: stamp your feet. It helps my inner 15-year-old) your wedding is an awesome opportunity to put your money where your mouth is and be truly authentic. Not rebellious. Not keeping up with the Joneses.
Just you.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Alexi said
"Focus that energy on your partner and what your commitment looks and feels like."
I really like that part. Me and my hunky monkey have been together for 7 years (finally gettin' hitched) and we are so awesomely in love that we're pretty sure we're the ones they based Princess Bride on, cause this shit don't happen everyday (paraphrasing there). I bought my dress from DB, but fuck it, I'm never a princess and I wanted to be. Yeah, I picked that dress in particular b/c it was on sale and I'm poor, but if I had buttloads of cash, don't think I wouldn't have rocked something recockulous. Just go with what you want (without murdering you chance of ever owning a home or getting out of debt or whatever you financial goals may be). Let's face it, I know that it's kinda fucked up to say on a wedding website, but the REALLY important thing is how you live the rest of your lives together, not what you bought to commemorate that commitment.
Jessica said
Reading this article I couldn't help but think about No Imapct Man in New York. I wonder what the author would think of his brand of rebellion, in which he buys very, very little. Only what is truly needed. When something breaks, he repairs it. If it can't be repaired, he buys used. He does this not to rebel, but to avoid new resources being taken out of the earth, and to keep old resources from going into the landfill. While he does make a contribution, it is significantly smaller, and a lot more meaningful.
Also, I wonder what the author would think of the Transition movement, which strives to get people producing their own foods and goods again, so much as they can with the resources available to them. Of course, there's certainly competition amongst us urban homesteaders in Denver. I don't own chickens (let alone goats) and it's just killing me inside!!!
I agree with the author on a lot of this though. I get irritated with hipster types (and anti hipster types) often because I feel like the vast majority of them are just into the fashion, not any meaning associated with it. While I look at myself and see someone who's not nearly as hip as I used to be before having a baby, but at least there's some depth and meaning to the things I do.
Sure, we're all still consumers, but there's a big difference between buying your counter culture clothes at Hot Topic, and taking in your jeans when you lose weight instead of buying new, on your twenty year old sewing machine with thread you picked up on Freecycle. Sure, when those jeans were new, I bought them from Lane Bryant, but I'm making those suckers last! Despite the fact that everything in our economy is purposely built to wear out as quickly as possible, in order to trick us into buying more and consuming more.
Okay, I'm going to stop before I go off on a new tangent.
Lisa said
"but there's a big difference between buying your counter culture clothes at Hot Topic, and taking in your jeans when you lose weight instead of buying new, on your twenty year old sewing machine with thread you picked up on Freecycle."
Yes!!! That's what I felt was missing from the selling out article. It only seemed to apply to people who "rebel" by buying "punk rocker" clothes from a store that's probably sub-owned by the GAP or whatever. To me, though, it really does seem like you can opt out of the system more than this article suggests, if you just buy less and buy used!!!
sassy said
"Rebelling for the sake of rebelling is just as pointlessly time consuming as trying to keep up with the Joneses. "
WOW I needed to read that! Thing is I've been anti-whatever-my-mother-is (which is mostly what 'everyone else' is) for as long as I can remember. But when I'm truly happy I'm just doing whatever I want to do–not just because it might drive my mother crazy but because I REALLY TRULY LIKE IT.
I think I'm gonna put this quote on the front of my 'wedding notepad'….or on my wall
Sara said
From the post: To be clear, I don't see consumer as a bad word. Everyone's doing it. You just have to be clear on your consumer values, and stick to them. Maybe it's that you'll only buy from indie vendors on Etsy. Maybe it's that you want the cheapest deal so you can save up for your Master's Degree. Maybe for you it's that you'll only pay your friends. Whatever: consuming isn't bad. Mindless consumption is the enemy here.
Great point. When the majority stop consuming at all, the majority of us go to bed very very hungry. A rampant economy of shit-we-don't-need(or really even want) is definitely worthy of escape. But for those of us who do not own land to live off us, the trade of goods/services/money is kind of what makes our world go round.
Amy said
I never would have thought that planning a wedding (which for many years I insisted I would never have) would lead me to so many thought-provoking discussions by a lot of intelligent women. I'm just going to say thank you and think about the posts!
channamasala said
So true.
Though I've seen with my own eyes the "one-lowmanship" in the article: a "holier than thou" attitude to how little people spent / wanted to spend / are planning to spend / would like to spend on their weddings. It's not the norm, but does happen.