Comments on: Acknowledging and learning from partnership imbalances OR "My stupid fiance won't help me with wedding planning"

By: jessica

jessica — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 17:50:14 +0000

I just assumed my man didn't want to help. Turns out he does. You have to communicate – I guess I just assumed that it was my job to do all this crap and he didn't want any part of it. I asked him to help me make a list of people he wanted invited to the wedding and he wasn't helping. We had a fight and I thought "oh he doesn't want to marry me" but what he really wanted was a chance to have his say.

By: Tiffany

Tiffany — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 22:17:39 +0000

Good points! It's so easy to focus on what they don't do well and to forget about what they do amazingly well.

By: Mari

Mari — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 18:11:30 +0000

If you were right next to me I'd hug you and buy you Starbucks! I really needed to read this today and should probably put it in my favorites folder and make a daily ritual. I exploded a few weeks ago and first of all I'm happy it's not just my fiance that does these things (when it always feels it's just him) and secondly, I'm so happy I have a supoort group to vent out on! We were getting to the point where we were rethinking the whole marriage and didn't know if it was still a good idea. Sometimes we get so caught up and DEEP into our situations that it's good to hear it from someone else that hey it's ok to take a breather and laugh lol. THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!! *Big Sigh of Relief*

By: Emilanger

Emilanger — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:33:31 +0000

I have found this to be true with my fiance and I setting up our first apartment together, too. I have taken care of all the decorating, and although he's not big into color coordinating and feng shui or whatever, he did mention that he'd always lived in "Franken-houses" with no sense of continuity or style. So I've made a point to make our place of living a beautiful place for him to be (albeit rather slowly). He loves Stephen King and has a numbered print of the Gunslinger cover (by Michael Whelen), and one day while he was at work (and I'm a teacher on summer break), I made sure to hang it from the wall so it is the first thing you see when you come in. It's beautiful, and it's a great centerpiece, but although he hasn't coordinated anything pretty in the place, he took a picture of that entryway and posted it on facebook. It was his way of not saying it, but demonstrating that he was appreciative that his awesome fiance put up his favorite piece of artwork for him.

It's the little things like that. And admittedly, I am way, way way super ridiculous into planning this wedding, and he just sort of stays even keel (and budgets for it, worries about how we'll save all we need to), but although I recognize those imbalances, I know that we are well-suited to working them out.

Amazing, wonderful, absolutely dead-on article.

By: Kat325

Kat325 — Thu, 13 May 2010 17:04:36 +0000

I just started planning my wedding and my I am hitting a similar problem. Its not that he doesn't want to help or that he doesn't care about the decisions I am making. Its that he freely admits that he doesn't know that much about weddings or planning at all and that he trusts that if I say its fine then it will be fine. But I also go out of my way to ask him his opinion on the things I know are important to him, it usually just involves me explaining what it is, and why he would care.

The first couple times I was worried that he didn't care, and that he wasn't really into the whole thing. But then we talked about it, and that is really the big thing I think, Communication makes or breaks relationships.

By: Arachna

Arachna — Wed, 12 May 2010 17:54:28 +0000

Yes, yes, yes!

By: Kristen in Oregon

Kristen in Oregon — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:45:22 +0000

Ah, I am SO lucky! He cares about details. He cares about the laundry, the budget, and said "you've bought a bunch of cool stuff!" when I showed him a list of things I've purchased for our wedding (prematurely). Now, if I could just get a proposal and a wedding date….

By: Andaluza

Andaluza — Tue, 11 May 2010 07:27:36 +0000

If you'd have asked me 3 weeks ago, I would have said that we would break up planning a wedding! I'm the organised one, happy to research and manage projects for a living. He's not so keen on reality, and procrastinates on anything that he considers a 'chore'. I often get told off for 'trying to project manage him'.

But my boyfriend proposed, and I have had to change some of my perceptions of him, not least cause he'd always hated the idea of marriage (divorced parents and no desire for kids etc.)… I've been amazed by his willing to talk and it turns out, he's very excited over the whole thing… as long as the discussions stay within the boundaries of a max. half hour session.

So we've been talking about it in general terms while walking home from work every few days, and agreeing to spend half an hour on the weekend for more dedicated stuff like making a guest list and findng a venue on the net… good thing we set a long engagement period?!

But seriously, its made me take him more seriously and realise that he really wants this and, more importantly is showing both of us how this can work better. After over 10 years of being together and struggling to organise anything unless I take total control of planning/checking/booking/getting us to the airport etc., it looks like we might be discovering another way to approach this stuff? I really really hope so!

Oh, and I'm learning to shut my mouth and hold onto thoughts about the wedding possibilities for appropriate times, rather than as soon as I see him after work or first thing in the morning

By: Jordyn

Jordyn — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 02:57:52 +0000

Awesome post. I've been stuck in the my-fiance-won't-help-plan rut, too, a place I never expected to find myself! I ranted a bit, and of course that didn't help at all. So yesterday I waited until he was just lounging around and told him to do some venue research. I told him what he needed to do, what questions to answer, and left him alone. A few hours later he had found some of the most awesome venues I've ever seen! He even sifted through some great possibilities and narrowed them down for me. They're probably above our budget, but it was such a boost to me that he got involved. He even made phone calls to vendors for pricing info, with a list of questions I helped him make. Ok, so it took a lot of help – but it made me realize that while I've been planning every aspect of my birthday parties since I was 4, he has never had experience with this stuff. I guess my advice, then, is to take a deep breath and break off a specific hunk of work for the non-involved partner. It might turn out that they just need a little guidance. Then again, maybe not, but it's worth a shot!

By: Amber

Amber — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:17:58 +0000

"Do they hold you when you cry…Do they support your visions? Do they uphold your values?"

This made me tear up. Yes! He does. Wow, I am lucky. Thanks for the coconut to the head.