The short answer: very, VERY carefully. The longer answer? Watch:
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
@EvilCaz78 said
Hi All, i watched the blog when it was posted but didn't have anything relevant to add. Great Work Ariel!
With some of the comments on here saying people in Australia were more understanding about having money as presents, I just noticed Helen Razer (former media wild child of the 90's) has updated her blog with a rant about a couple asking her to their wedding and including a Wishing Well poem. You can read it here http://badhostess.com/?p=291 So I'd just like to echo Ariel's comments that following traditional wedding etiquette might be the way to go if you're not 100% sure how your guests will feel about being asked for money.
I'm in the very early stages of thinking about getting married (I know he's bought a ring but it's not "official" yet) and will probably need to ask people to travel a significant distance to my wedding, so will be actively discouraging gifts.
Dana said
most guests want to give you something that you really want, but like you said, they don't want to think that the money is going towards something ancillary. i think that's the biggest thing that i learned going through my own wedding, that the psychology of gift-giving can be quite complicated. often times the gift ends up being more about the giver than the recipient. it sounds funny, but it's true. guests want to know that you are going to remember them for something special, and if they don't think that's the case, they'll just buy you something else.
i even had people tell me that there weren't any 'good' gifts left on the registry, so they saw a brand that we liked and picked out something else by that brand instead of just buying one of the other, less glamorous, items on the list of things we actually needed (unfortunately it just went back to the store and was a waste of shipping costs/materials and time).
the nice part about a cash gift registry is that it's virtual, so you can always edit and add more, and no one can ever say there isn't enough left on your list, but you aren't burdened with registering for extra 'stuff' just b/c you feel you have to and then have to return the items anyways. this way, you get the cash, and they can feel responsible for giving you something that you really want, like contributing to your new home down payment by 'buying' you the 'front door,' or purchasing a piece of your honeymoon, or buying you a newlywed activity like cooking lessons.
it's true it's the thought that counts, and most gift-givers have good intentions; i doubt they want their gift being returned for less than it's worth, or for store credits that you might lose, or frankly to cause you any extra work at all. your guests want you to be happy, but sometimes they get a bit caught up in their own head (or should i say 'we,' since we've all done it at some point or another…), so why not just help them out with a registry of what you really want?
Tracy said
Thinking about my own tendencies, I realized how contradictory my thoughts and actions are regarding gift giving for wedding. This is my second wedding. We had a traditional registry and a honeymoon registry the first time. Not many gifts off the honeymoon (a handful); and some guests actually complained that the one gift registry was not at a fancy enough store and went out and bought us crystal and other things we didn't really need or want. One guest was thoughtful enough to ask and we guided him towards some crystal that I had already begun a collection of from my trip to Ireland. I still use his gift and love it. The rest of the undesired crystal went back to a store that would take it or got sold on Ebay and the money used for things we needed (we were still in college and estabishing our household).
This time through, we've both lived on our own for over a decade, owned houses, etc. We have two traditional registries and a honeymoon registry that we've already received multiple cash pledges off of – people are even commenting us about the honeymoon registry webpage and telling us that's the best part of our website!
I got nasty with one of the registry ladies because she insisted that we had to register for 3x the number of items as guests and since we are far below that number, offered to help me pick out some china (when my FH was not even present to weigh in his decision). I had no problem telling her that I didn't register for china the first time through, I'm certainly not about to ask my guests to spend their money on something I could care less about the second time through. I just don't buy into the "register for lots of things even if you don't want or need them" mentality. We have lots of options for guests, deal done.
We did not include info in our invite. This goes back to my above statement about contradictions. I realize I am not offended at all when someone makes it known that they prefer cash or creates a cash registry; but if a couple doesn't specify a preference, I always buy them something off the registry, even though *I* prefer cash. I guess I just assume that they wouldn't register for things they don't want.
And I do get offended when it is included in the invite. Recently I received an invite that had so many registry inserts included that they were the first thing see when pulling out the invite as if to say "BUY US GIFTS and oh yeah, we're getting married." And as someone already mentioned – despite my offense, I would never tell them how awful it was. So don't assume that b/c no one said anything, everyone thought it was a good idea.
Amusingly the married couple was recently complaining that they have too much "stuff" for their house and don't know where to put it all. It makes me sad to think the gift we chose is just going to get shoved into their basement somewhere.
So, we included the information on our website, along with all the other guest information like driving directions, etc. The URL was included on the response card b/c we are also allowing our guests to RSVP traditionally with the card or via the website. The registry info is there if someone wants to find it, but not in their face. And the honeymoon registry is the first one on the list, followed by the two name brand stores.
We are certainly a strange culture when it comes to the way we hoard material items but have strict rules against asking for it.
Dee said
Buying a gift for the couple takes a lot of time and effort, and will often end up with something eeither unwanted or overpriced. I love it when invited to donate cash rather than buy a present, less hassle, and they can spend it on something they need or love. A weblink to suggested gifts, with cash being preferred is great. I have had a few card lists in invitations with sort codes and account numbers – just explain what the money is going towards, and your guests will welcome the opportunity. They are of course free to buy gifts, but at least you have made your preference known.
The charity suggestion is great, but don't be ashamed to ask for contributions to yourself if finances are really tight – it is not uncommon to request donations towards the honeymoon, etc.
Brigitta said
Probably a bit late to comment on this, but as I'm working on our own invitations right now, what the hey: in Belgium it's very, very common to include gift suggestions on the invitation itself. Why? I think because 100% or 99% of the invitees will be wondering with what kind of a gift they'll be doing you a favour and they're per definition kind of looking for straightforward 'hints'. That's why i don't believe it makes them feel less loved or welcome, or that it gives the impression that they're not welcome without giving a gift. People who love you will definitely want to contribute in one way or another and are usually relieved to have 'guidelines'. And by putting it 'right there', it definitely reaches the people who don't surf the web as often as we/I do or don't know your family or close friends that well. But I completely agree on what you said, Ariel: giving the money a 'purpose' is key, so that people not feel they're giving you something impersonal as money.
On Belgian invitations, mostly people add something that translates as: 'utterly a suggestion for our … blablabla project' or 'your presence means more than any gift, but if you wish to contribute here's a thought…' etc.
Rita said
Thanks alot, I was really unsure of how we were going to say "please give money as a gift". Although with close friends and family I have no problem with saying this straight out, it felt a little rude to say that to less familar relatives and friends. A couple in my family that resently got married fell into this trap (I mean I totally understand why they were asking for money instead of things… they just didn't do it the right way), they also asked for the money before the wedding day. No one told them that it was found rude, but some family still take about it. So thankyou very very much for saving us!!!!
Hannah said
My FH and I lamented over this for a long time. We just bought a house, and the last thing we want is Another Blender. There aren't that many things we would like to register for, and really aside from all of our special family and friends joining us, the only thing we want is contributions for our honeymoon. SO this is what I ended up with:
Ah, the registry. We have lamented over this… And honestly, what we want more than anything is for you all to be able to join us in celebreating our wedding day. For those of you who like to commemorate the occassion with a gift, we will have a "piggy bank" to help fund our honeymoon, and our backyard fence which needs mending.
The*Mermaid said
I think it's fine to include the gift info on the invitation… at least that's what I've seen my friends do and it makes sense. People want to know.
For our wedding in a couple months, we are actually holding a Wedding Raffle. I'm a professional crafter who travels to many craft shows throughout the year… so I've bartered with a number of other artists for some cool and varied prizes. We are selling raffle tickets (the old fashioned red kind) for $1 each, which folks can put into a jar for each item they want to win. My brother did this at his wedding and people had a blast!
I like showing off the art of my friends, and also the idea that you can give as much or little as you wish toward our honeymoon. I put in the invites, "Rather than bearing gifts, we are asking our guests to take part in our Wedding Raffle. Win valuable prizes made by our talented friends!"
Danielle said
Just thought you guys might be interested to see this, I'm not sure I could ever be as brave as this bride! Spotted it in a trashy magazine at work and thought it might give you all some giggles!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/fem…uests.html
lindsey said
ok so there are lots of things we would like for our house or to do to our house and we would also love to have a nice honeymoon, we can not afford to do / buy any of these things (heck we can't afford to get married yet!). we have been together for 7 years and so have all of the smaller everyday household items so when we do eventually get married i won't even be considering registering anywhere for gifts. I wouldn't dream of asking anybody to buy us anything specific as many of the things we would like / need cost a fair bit of money, (which is why we dont have them yet!), however money towards these items would be greatly appreciated (though not expected!)that way people can give you an amount big or small and not feel as though they have to splash out on the items on a list.
As for putting it in the invite, from my experience i dont think that is a problem as long it is done tastefully. as posts before have said, make sure guests are aware that you do not expect anything, and that them being part of your day and future lives is far more important to you than any gift or cash donation. Also maybe like ariel said let them know what you are planning to do with the money. as much as we all need help with the food shop, some people might not want you to spend their 'gift' on it!
I wouldn't put it on the invite itself, put it as a separate card or sheet, just in the same envelope.
I love the idea of a wedding website but I know a lot of my family and friends would not want to or be able to use it. I do like the idea though if having somebody else that people can send it to so that the B & G don't know until after the wedding what has been given.