The short answer: very, VERY carefully. The longer answer? Watch:
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Crystal said
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. A big part of the WIC thing seems to have become "make-absolutely-sure-that-all-your-guests-know-exactly-what-you-want-and-where-to-get-it", as if it's an utter failure on YOUR part if you end up with duplicates, or random stuff you didn't register for, and that in some way, the whole point of getting married is how many gifts your friends & family pony up for. Feh.
My favorite wedding rant centers around this very topic (Belated apologies to the poor girl at the registry counter that offered me inserts for my invitations..), and I frequently end up feeling like the lone holdout.
It doesnt' have to be about "tradition", to me, it's more about being gracious and appreciative that these people a) are in our lives at all; b) are taking time to come to a party (or two, or three) in our honor. They've already given us so much, and I can buy my own toaster.
hyla said
Great video! Love the half and half hair!
littlepenguin80 said
We struggled with this topic. Unfortunately we are mostly having friends coming to our wedding who a) don't know our family, and b) are unlikely to seek out a website to find out what kind of gifts we're inclined towards. We found with our engagement party that people were directly asking us what we wanted, so we wanted to avoid this with the wedding. In the end, to avoid being asked by everyone what we wanted, we decided to put a note in with the invites saying that we'll have a wishing well at the wedding (which is an antique-looking birdcage), so if people would like to contribute towards our honeymoon and home they can, BUT we also said that we didn't want ppl to feel obligued as their greatest gift to us would be their presence.
I personally prefer the idea of a 'wishing well' (or whatever you choose to call it) over an online site(feels kind of empty, plus not good for those ppl that aren't soo internet savy – yes they do exist!). Anyway, in the end we thought it best just to say what we felt rather than putting in some poem, and I hope that the way we worded it, it comes across clear that we actually don't expect anything, there's just that option there if ppl do want to contribute something. I found with our engagement we told people that we didn't want or expect ANYTHING, but just about everyone still brought us a gift anyway. Soo, I've learnt to be prepared this time around, I loved the gifts we got for the engagement party, but seriously we cannot fit another single glass into our cupboard, so cash for our honeymoon is just far more practical.
I think in Australia money as a gift is pretty acceptable, most people live together for a while before getting married and people don't want to waste their money giving you something you've already got. Anyway, I personally don't see how asking for money is any different than asking for gifts off a gift registry (at least this way you can choose how much you spend, rather than being left with the option of one present that costs $200!). Good luck to the rest of you struggling with this, I don't think there is a right/wrong way, just do what you feel comfortable with.
akbirdie said
great advice ariel! For our wedding we actually did exactly as you suggested. We spread word through the grapevine that we didn't want any gifts because we didn't have any room in our home. We also let be known that monetary gifts would greatly benefit us since we're building. We did recieve many wonderful gifts and many gift cards to various home imporovent stores. Every one was very understanding and appreciative of our honesty. It also helped express to folks that we really just wanted their company on our wedding day. We also had it worded out nicely on our wedding website, but it wasn't used very much. Spreading the word through the grapevine worked out the best for us
Fran said
I totally agree, I find it a bit weird when registry cards are included with the invitations. I mean, I respect people's decision to do it and honestly it sometimes is handy when it's family members that you're not directly in touch with to not have to go through the communication line to find out but really, that was not how I wanted to do it.
Shockingly I really love the way that we did it, heh. Firstly we made a gift suggestions page on our wedsite, even the name gift list weirds me out a little. As if it's a list you want completed, no – it's a suggestion of what you might like! But while we were in the same position as the writer of this letter, in that we have a cramped house already, there were some tangible items we wanted (like photo frames for our new wedding photos!) along with honeymoon gifts and charity donations so we didn't neatly fit into the online 'honeymoon' registries.
In terms of the cash donations we really wanted each guest to feel they were giving us an individual gift so we broke up what we wanted from the honeymoon into component parts, that people then donated money for. Guests could buy us anything from train tickets, to a bottle of champagne, to a bag of chips, all the donations were linked to something specific.
We did it ourselves on our website so we could also design gift cards for the donations (for example 'A cocktail with two straws!') then guests could print out the card and put it in an envelope with the cash or cheque. It meant that they had a real, physical thing to give us at the wedding! Plus, while we didn't anticipate it also improved the honeymoon. Each little thing we did was linked to someone, so when we were doing it we could feel their love and support at the time. It gave the honeymoon the same love, generosity and community that we felt on the wedding day! And we had our gift cards to hold up in every honeymoon photo to send to the respective person afterwards.
It was low-tech, guests selected what they wanted and the page emailed my brother and his wife who kept it updated for us. Plus it going to a human was nice as it meant that some more tentative guests could email them and say 'do you think they'd like this?' or in one case 'do you think they'd want small or large cocktail glasses?'. Large, definitely large!
It worked so well and I think that the mixture of tangible gifts and honeymoon money worked well too, as there definitely were some people who wanted to give us a lasting 'thing'.
The link to our list is here: http://vonandfran.info/giftsuggestions.php so people can see how it worked, and also if anyone does want the code you're more than welcome to it, just let me know and I will email you over a copy!
Erin said
What AWEsome ideas! I love the way you framed your requests, and I got so engrossed in your site that I just stalked your whole wedding. I wish I could go back about 6 months to steal a bunch of ideas for my own! You approached your whole event in a great, down-to-earth way. Congrats to you and your beautiful bride!
Lynn said
That is exactly what I want to do! Can you please let me know the address for that place where you set up the website and uploaded the images and then the website sent an email to someone when that thing was selected. Whew, am I getting this right? How do I do this?
Galadriel said
Von & Fran, your wedsite was genius! Thank you for sharing, I got several good ideas from your example. Coincidentaly, we are marrying on Oct. 31 also! Congratulations and thanks again!
kara said
This sounds like a fantastic idea! Would you mind emailing me over the code and/or screen shots? I wasn't able see it in action because your website domain has expired
Adam said
I'm in the same boat. Can we see the website or screenshot of what you wrote? it sounds like you guys had it down!
Darian Johnston said
Well, my FH & I decided to include the information in the pouch of our invitations. So it wasn't on the invitation itself, but included with all of the other cards; RSVP, Directions, & Location cards. We thought this worked out well as the invitation was telling the guest how honored we are for them to attend. The card itself was labeled "Honeymoon Registry" then we honestly stated our reason underneath. "With a household bursting at the seams, instead of having a traditional gift registry we've arranged for a honeymoon registry through AAA Travel, any contributions are greatly appreciated. However, more than anything we'd love for you to be there to help us celebrate."
I haven't heard any complaints nor has anyone had any problems contributing to the fund. I provided a phone number, a snail mail address & an email address for where to send the contribution so that those not web savvy had other options. I do think that having it go to someone else, instead of sending us a check directly also helped people to feel more confident in contributing. The wedding is in 6 days so I'll let you know if I hear of any problems there.
Kate said
I think that's perfectly tactful, since you make it clear that you want their presence more than presents. I can't watch the video right now, but I think including registry information in an invitation can appear like you're asking for gifts. BUT, it seems to be different in different parts of the country. I personally did not want any registry information included, but my MIL was quite surprised at my reaction-she's received several invites with registry info, apparently.
Emily :) said
Great topic, I'll have to remember this will probably be a good idea for FH and me (too much stuff!).
And Tavi's such a cutie! Loved the outtake too, that's exactly what my little guy would've done
Jen said
I think you should ABSOLUTELY get an award for "public" speaking for this vlog answer. haha. You where really concise and awesome, and they baby is super cute, but I am betting its tough to concentrate on things when he is talking with you!
OffbeatAriel said
Why thank you.
I actually still have my Public Speaking trophy from 4-H. Best Illustrated Talk, Intermediate Division, Statewide. I was 11 and rocked that shit! 
Violet said
My FH and I also requested money as our gifts, and I did actually put it into the invitations, even though it goes against traditional etiquette. I did this for several reasons. Chief amongst them were:
1. For a lot of the people on our list, the invitation was going to be their main way of getting information about the wedding, because they are not super computer-literate. I decided that it was better to just get it out there rather than having any of our parents or us having to field lots of "where are you registered?" phone calls.
2. We were already having a very non-traditional wedding, which was apparent by the invitation itself (a Steampunk masquerade wedding where almost none of the other traditional wedding elements one would expect will be present), and I wanted to make sure that, despite both our families being very flexible, they would have plenty of time to ponder over all of it.
3. Everyone on the guest list were people we knew would rather be given information directly rather than demurring for the sake of politeness.
I realize that this is not a standard situation in any way, shape, or form… But what I did was include one extra little sheet which would normally be the list of "here is where we are registered," but instead I wrote a short message to all of our guests, expressing first and foremost our utter excitement at the possibility of them attending, and that their willingness to travel in and join us for this was the greatest present we could possibly imagine, and was all we could ask for. I added that if they wanted to give us something to commemorate the occasion, that a donation towards our honeymoon would be our preferred gifts, as we already have all of the physical things we could possibly want, but that we would like to be able to go away for a couple of weeks.
While this didn't stick with traditional etiquette, I sent the invitations out about 5 months ago and there has been no drama backlash or anything, so I guess my assessment of our families was right, and nobody got hurt or insulted by our request for money or by including the information in the invitation.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that there are times when including it in the invitation may make the most sense, and that if it seems like that would be the best option for you and you aren't concerned about accidentally hurting any of your loved ones, it's not completely off the table.
Pippa said
We've asked for money instead of gifts. We started out by saying that 'as we've been together for 9 years, we have just about everything we need, so if you're thinking of giving us a gift, a monetary contribution towards our new home or our honeymoon would be greatly appreciated.'
We also said that if people don't feel comfortable giving money, then my Mum has a few household items that we would like to replace and we gave her phone number. We then gave my Mum a list of about 4 things that we'd like new ones of. (A shiny hi-tech toaster and matching kettle, a set of sheets and a set of towels) I gave suggested brands and colours. The invites only went out 2 weeks ago and the RSVP isn't til the end of April, so Mum hasn't heard from anyone yet! Good luck!
Melissa Hazelton said
ooo. I do like this! Many of the people on my list are low-tech, I like this a lot. I think I'm going to end up getting my mom to be our 'registry' too.
Tinkermybelle said
The tradition of the wishing well,
Is one that's known by all.
Go to the well, toss in a coin
And as the coin does fall.
Make a wish upon that coin,
And careful as you do.
Cause as the well's tradition goes,
Your wishes will come true.
So on this special day or ours,
The day that we'll be wed.
Don't hunt for special gifts
But give money is it's stead.
And as you drop the envelope,
With money great and small,
Remember, make your wish
As you watch your money fall
OffbeatAriel said
Laci actually specified in her email that she didn't want to do a Wishing Well. Hence, my offering alternatives.
Katie said
Love the video advice! Hope it's something you'll do in the future, too!
Sarah said
1) Thanks for the advice – I was wondering about this. My fiance's family is more likely to give cash (which is more common as a wedding gift in Indian culture), but my family and our friends are going to be expecting store registries. We aren't sure what we're doing regarding that yet, but we are exploring out options.
2) Tavi is getting so big!
3) My 4-year-old sat in my lap while I watched this, and he was totally flirting with you throughout the whole video. He was enraptured with your bright pink hair, I think (he loves bright colors).
jesscar said
Great post and video. I feel lucky that in Australia its the norm to put gift info with the invite tho cos its so much easier.
Jessica said
I've found that many – including some of the "older" (and maybe more traditiona) – people completely understand. Not only have we been living together for almost 8 years and have everything we need, we really don't want anything from our guests. We put an extra card in the invitations that simply read "The greatest gift that we can receive is your presence at our wedding. For those that still wish to gift, we will have a 'donation box' to help fund our honeymoon." 'Nuf said.
Anna Kohls said
Since we already have our own established households, we aren't registering for anything. So I've told our moms specifically that we are not registering but we want to buy big things like a new bed. Hopefully that will get passed along and people will give cash if they choose to bring something. Without saying "hey, give us money instead of presents" that was the only classy way I saw to do it.
Jill said
The wedding website was very helpful in our case — though our less tech savvy (read: older) relatives needed a printout of the page, because they just didn't believe our families when we said that we were registering for our honeymoon rather than linens.
That being said: we eventually caved and added a traditional registry as well, because people were calling me to ask what to give me at my shower, saying that they REALLY WANTED to give us "real gifts". We still ended up getting mostly cash anyway and paying for our honeymoon (and a new couch!) with that money… and we also got a few kitchen gadgets that in the end we didn't mind at all, cooking being something that we love to do together.
Hannah said
We in Holland just put a little enveloppe-sign on our invites. (In the enveloppe goes cash) It's very common, no one thinks of it as rude. But then, we are a very blunt nation
.
els said
We do the same in Belgium, over here its the most common gift for a weddingparty, to make sure your hosts are not bankrupted after their great party
it's easy and you know the couple will be happy with it.
OffbeatAriel said
Yes, I've heard that Europeans are less obsessed with the "rudeness" of asking for money. It's totally a cultural thing … personally I think we Americans are obsessed with wealth, but timid about actually talking about money in a straightforward fashion. It's the same with sex. We're obsessed with it, but also puritanical.
Bridget said
Is it kosher to ask for money not for a honeymoon, but for a college fund? I am 21, and have tried to go twice and wasted money on it because I ended up with no credits. We won a honeymoon, and I have enough stuff for now. I actually know what I want to go for this time (which was the only problem last time), and FH and I have some serious goals and plans for us so I won't be trashing that cash. I just don't know if they will think it is rude because we should have saved for that ourselves like everyone else… I don't know if that is logical, or just the little me in my head talking.
Melissa Hazelton said
I think asking guests to contribute to an education fund, if they want to give you something, is a great thing! But then, I think wanting to better yourself, and wanting a better education is wonderful thing to begin with. Perhaps inculde a letter on your wedsite/invites/email/whatever explaining what your goals are/what kind of schooling your want and why you think it's going to be good for you/right for you, would really help people understand why you want them to help. That way they can feel connected to it, and that they are really helping build a better future for the two of you, since really, when they give a gift, that's what they want.
ms.leathers said
It is so great to watch a woman working with baby in tow! So many women in my generation, myself included, are often really removed from the experience of life with a baby. We need more images and models of relaxed, intelligent, young-at-heart women managing professional and home life together. Wonderful!
OffbeatAriel said
Aww, thank you.
It's a dance to be sure … balancing a little creatures needs with your own identity. Thankfully, my little dude is pretty patient with me figuring it out. 
OffbeatAriel said
Hey ladies: just a reminder that I'm not really interested in feedback about whether you think asking for cash is "tacky." It's ALL fucking tacky.
Ammie said
I understand that different people (even within different regions of the US) live in a different cultural environment so different things are acceptable. In some areas of the country and in some other countries, it's completely acceptable to ask for money in the invitation or include gift information. I completely respect those cultural differences.
However, I just wanted to point out that just because no one comes up to you and tells you they're offended or they found it rude to get the registry info in the invitation, doesn't mean they didn't find it rude! I would never walk up to someone at their wedding or even before and tell them I thought it was rude. Just like it's not polite to include that, it's also not polite to correct someone about their manners either. So please, before you put that information in your invitation, consider how EVERYONE on your guest list will feel, and understand that even if they are a little offended by it, they aren't going to mention it to you.
Leah said
Hell, I just stuffed it on the invite, we've been together for 6 years and everyone bought us household stuff when we moved in, plus we're having our wedding at 'home' North East england and would have to lug everything back to London, so as much as I would love a new set of pans, I'd rather have the cash to buy them!
We got told to put something on the invite, most weddings I've been to recently did, future sister in law did the 'the greatest present is your presence' (frankly we need the cash after this and we're not even paying for most of it!) and ended up with 50 photoframes and loads of cash, we're just telling people that its ok to give us cash if you want to give us something cause we don't know what we want any more than you do!
Our wording was along the lines of 'while we don't expect gifts, if you would like to contribute to our home please give us money, we can't carry stuff home but we can always spend cash!'
Most of the wording was rather forthright, I also told them to be there or be square by 2pm.
gillian said
I'm on firefox and the video doesn't show!
@EvilCaz78 said
Hi All, i watched the blog when it was posted but didn't have anything relevant to add. Great Work Ariel!
With some of the comments on here saying people in Australia were more understanding about having money as presents, I just noticed Helen Razer (former media wild child of the 90's) has updated her blog with a rant about a couple asking her to their wedding and including a Wishing Well poem. You can read it here http://badhostess.com/?p=291 So I'd just like to echo Ariel's comments that following traditional wedding etiquette might be the way to go if you're not 100% sure how your guests will feel about being asked for money.
I'm in the very early stages of thinking about getting married (I know he's bought a ring but it's not "official" yet) and will probably need to ask people to travel a significant distance to my wedding, so will be actively discouraging gifts.