How to deal with gifted accessories that just don't go
Fashion Advice
By
on February 04, 2010
20 Responses
I have a question that is probably going to make me sound really mean, but here goes: how do I gracefully turn down offers of jewelry or other accessories to wear on my wedding day?
Both my mom and mother-in-law-to-be are very nice, generous people. But they have taste in clothes & jewelry that really clashes with mine. They love delicate gold sparkly pretty princess things, and I love big chunky bold modern stuff — soooo very different.
I will let them know in advance that I have already purchased everything I need, but that might not get the point across. Is there a decent way of pre-emptively saying "please don’t give me anything, no really, please DO NOT"? How do I say this TACTFULLY but make sure the message is loud and clear? OR, if they ignore me and give me something and it's awful, how do I turn it down tactfully?
Definitely make it clear that you've already purchased your jewelry. Show off what you've gotten in person or via email. Explain why you love it so much and how excited you are about it. Hopefully this will nip things in the bud. But if they insist on giving you jewelry anyway, try this technique:
"Thank you so much," you can say. "Although I've already purchased the jewelry I'll be wearing at the wedding, I'm so honored that you thought of me and I'm so excited to integrate your gift into the wedding day — let's find a way to make it work!"
The key here is not to turn them down, but to find an alternate way to use the gift. Here's one example: I asked an friend if she would make me a necklace for my wedding day. A month or so later, an old blogging pal asked if she could send me a necklace she'd made. Not only did I already have a wedding necklace I was happy with, but I wasn't sure if necklace #2 was going to go very well with my wedding day aesthetic. I told Friend #2 that I wasn't sure I'd be able to wear the necklace on my wedding day, and she was fine with that — she just wanted to gift it to me.
When necklace #2 arrived, I immediately saw that no: it wasn't what I'd be wearing around my neck. I'd already set the expectation with Friend #2 that I wasn't sure I'd be wearing it ... but then, on a total whim, I tried sticking Necklace #2 in my hair.
VOILA:
Necklace #2 became a headpiece I hadn't even realized I needed!
Now, not every piece of jewelry would work in your hair, but you could easily integrate jewelry that just doesn't go into a bouquet, a centerpiece, or your altar (wrapped around a candle, perhaps?).
The key is to set the expectation up-front that you've already purchased your wedding day jewelry AND (not but — AND!!) that you'd love to find a way to integrate the jewelry that you've been gifted. You can be gracious and accepting while also maintaining your own vision.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Kristin said
I'm really glad you answered this question! My fiance's step mom just gave me a tiara that she wore at her wedding, and I'm not really the tiara-wearing type. Now, I've got some ideas about what to do with it.
Jill said
awesome solution, Ariel! I used my late grandmother's necklace as a bouquet wrap, which is another great option.
birdy said
I was the person who posted this question to Ariel. I love the answer, It's perfect! Thanks Ariel!
(BTW: what raised this question in the first place? It was the Simpsons episode where Homer gives Lisa's fiancee pig cufflinks to wear at his wedding. LOL!)
Kay said
With the comments coming from other readers, I hope that you see you aren't being mean at all! SOOOOO many family members offer advice and gifts for upcoming nuptials, and of course the bride can't use them all in the same capacity. You have a lot of company with this problem!
~~Love and support!
Fiona said
I did a somewhat similar thing: my grandma gave me necklace that my grandpa gave her when they got married for my 16th birthday. I never wear it because it's not really my style, but I love that she gave it to me. For the wedding, I made my own hair accessory out of 2 peacock feathers wired together with the pendant sort of dangling from the feathers. It looked pretty good and it made both my grandma and me very happy.
KathyRo said
You always give the best advice.
Hexotica said
Great advice! As an accessory designer, I offer to make customized things for friends but I always keep in mind that accessory choices are an extremely personal decision, especially for such a special day! I wouldn't be offended if I saw a brooch of mine on a candle, I'd think that it was a thoughtful way to let me know she appreciates what I gave her! I would mind if I saw it in the local thrift shop the next week though!
Jessica said
And don't forget about rehersals, dinners, showers, parties! If you're doing any of those, you could wear your family's/friend's gifts to those.
Kim said
I ended up wearing a lot of the beautiful jewelery I received (but didn't want to wear on "the day") at my multiple showers, and the rehearsal dinner. People seemed to appreciate that I was wearing their gifts, and they understood they I had already chosen my wedding accessories. Plus I still wear all the gifts!
And people always notice when you wear something they bought/made you!
Kim said
Ps-love the bouquet wrap idea!!
Cate said
So I really didn't like my grandmother.s pearls when they were given to me for my wedding – I certainly wasn't a pearl wearer. 29 years later I treasure (and wear) that strand of pearls. Ariel.s suggestion about gracefully accepting and then finding a different use for it may be particularly wise for family treasure that may mean more with the passing of time.
channamasala said
I'm in a similar boat – I am fairly sure that I'm getting my grandmother's pearls on my wedding day, but I don't want to wear them. I love pearls, but…but…I have my own hand-made jewelry and it's so crazy that I can't wear pearls too. I also have a necklace for the rehearsal dinner (a gift from my fiance).
I can't wear it as a bracelet and can't put it on a bouquet as I am carrying a fan. It's worth too much to use in a centerpiece (chances are it would NEVER get nicked but I can't take that chance).
I'll probably wear it at the family brunch the next day.
Kim said
Hey that would work too!
Ssafs said
Could also try wearing as an anklet, as a hair piece, you could attatch it carefully to the bottom of the fan as a kind of tassle ( a bit of wire wrapped carefully round the base of the fan (when open) and around the center of the necklace….)
hinakuu said
Wow, your friends are talented. Both those necklaces look wonderful.
Jettie said
THANK YOU! Though I haven't had this problem yet (and am probably a little self-centered to assume… oops!) it's good knowing what to do ahead of time before you have to back-track and try to re-build some bridges!
Lindsay said
My mom gave me my grandmother's garter which she wore at her wedding as well. I did my best to nicely let her know I would NOT be wearing that.
Ssafs said
Perhaps she wants to start a tradition? In which case you could wrap the garter round the base of the bouquet, or do something else with it so that its a PART of the wedding, w/o being your garter. That way your mother and grandmother are aknowledged, but w/o you having to mess your sense of style up (or deal with the possible ickyness of wearing someone elses undergarment lol). Just a thought, then it could later be passed down to your own child/ren.
ay said
Ariel you have great advice…and your a total babe. and not the talking pig kind, the attractive female kind ;D
Ssafs said
I love the way that the pair of necklaces turned out. They look like they were designed almost as a set with the way that you wore them. Good job to you AND yoru friends!