Comments on: Musings on feminism and weddings

By: malkavian

malkavian — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 18:52:04 +0000

I'm going to have my dad walk my mom down the aisle…she's got medical issues anyway and needs the help. I'll be walking in with my fiance. I haven't told them this yet though, my mom is really pissed at me for even suggested my dad not walk me down the aisle.

So no, there's no way to avoid it without pissing people off.

By: Becca

Becca — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 03:53:41 +0000

As someone who has had a hypenated last name her whole life, I have to disagree with you — I have been asked since I was, literally, 6 or 7 what I would name my kids.

Here is my answer: EVERYONE has to make a decision about how to pass down a name and whose family that name will belong to. EVERYONE. You, either, choose to not put any thought into it and do the culturally acceptable thing or you choose to make a conscious decision. That decision could be to use one or the other last name, create a new name or hyphenate.

If it's "just a name," then why does it matter if someone hyphenates?

I'd argue that my hyphenated name does exactly what you are saying – distinguishes me from all the other "Rebeccas" and it does it way better than any other last name because it is completely unique.

I guess I just have never understand the antagonism I constantly hear from a lot of younger, feminist woman towards hyphenating. It's nothing to you personally but I find this to be a constant discussion. I don't see what different about hyphenating than combining or anything else. It just seems silly that we have these conversations over and over again. But, alas, I guess that is true of so much that is discussed on OBB …

Hope this helps to clarify some things for you. And for the record, I LOVE my last name and did not even consider changing it.

By: Jaybay

Jaybay — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 23:57:14 +0000

Hyphenated names seem like one great big egalitarian solution, but no one (and I mean no one; i've read every comment) has brought up the rammifications of this choice. If you and your spouse take hyphenated names, then do you give those names to your children? If so, then what names do your children take when they get married?

For the sake of passing down just one name, I'm completely willing to buy into the patriarchy. It's just a name. Maybe other people feel immense attachment to their last names, but for me, my last name is just a signifier to distinguish me from all the other Jessicas in the world. My cousins are all children of my aunts, so we all have different last names. It's not like we're all part of a clan under the same name or anything. I just think we are attaching far too much meaning to these words. They're just words, and they don't define us.

That said, I will be withholding my choice of name from FH until I get to see how he reacts when I ask if he'll take my name!

By: Amelia

Amelia — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 03:14:28 +0000

I've been reading about this topic lately, and it is becoming a pet hate of mine that it is almost never mentioned that the MAN could change his name too!
i love the idea of taking his name as a middle name, but shouldn't he then also take your name as HIS middle name? seems only fair!

however, it also sucks that this is just another topic that people feel the need to judge women on.

personally, i don't think i'd be willing to change my name unless my partner was willing to change his as well – a symbol of MUTUAL love and commitment.

By: Daniel

Daniel — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 22:41:55 +0000

Do it if it feels right and you want to. Don't let traditions or outside distractions influence your decision to keep/change your last name.

By: Paula

Paula — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:43:05 +0000

In Italy people don't bother, so although I could change it on my British passport… it seems kinda pointless.
It's a very personal choice, and I don't see it as being unfeminist in any way either

By: Lauren Smith

Lauren Smith — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:33:51 +0000

I've been doing some thinking and I don't actually have ANY attachment to my name, and this is why I really don't care either way.

I think having a boring surname (Smith) has something to do with it. It's so common I don't see it as a link to my family. Funnily enough I'm far more attracted to my mother's maiden name, Greenman. I think it says a lot more about me.

By: momo

momo — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:28:51 +0000

Another perspective to break the slight US-centrism going on in these comments: Where I live, marriage grants the right of use of your spouse's last name to either sex. In other words: no-one's last name is legally changed at marriage, ever (though it's possible to register a preference with governmental institutions). I'd merely be allowed to use Smith, Jones or Smith-Jones for myself interchangeably. IMO, this is a *much* more egalitarian approach of naming; it leaves it entirely up to the individual what they wish to be known as regardless of sex.

Of course, while the *system* allows for progressive choices, that doesn't mean people will actually make use of it. It's still expected and silently assumed that women will use their husband's name after marriage. That for me highlights what others have touched upon in this thread: that choices do not happen in a social vacuum. How much of a choice is it when in practice, women as a group are overwhelmingly the ones handing over the surnames?

For myself, hell no will I take anyone's name. My name is mine. They can take mine if they are much attached to the concept of family unity, as I don't care much either way.
My mum set a great example for me by keeping hers in a time when it was even less expected for a woman to do so. She'd return post addressed to Mrs. Hisname unopened – that usually got the point across quickly.

By: Lauren Smith

Lauren Smith — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 19:01:07 +0000

I don't care if I'm called a feminist or not, I really have no interest in other peoples' views on my private life.

I will be taking my husbands name. I don't have a reason why. I suppose it is social programming, but there's nothing wrong with it.

By: Kat

Kat — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 17:05:12 +0000

I consider myself a real feminist and getting married in 7 months puts me in a position very similar to yours.
I'm going to keep my last name and take my new husbands using my name for professional work and his for family and friends.
What makes me nervous about this post, however, is how it ends… I don't think you can buy into tradition and still keep your feminist values, this is something that is making me very nervous. I also don't want my father to give me away, and hopefully will have both my parents walking me up the aisle… but even the fact that it is the female and not the male who does that suggests we're still buying into traditions that are firmly entrenched in sexist values.

Just an opinion.