Musings on feminism and weddings
Philosophizing
Guestpost by
on February 01, 2010
94
Thanks to Orbasm for submitting this shot to the Offbeat Bride pool!
In nine months I will be married. It doesn't seem that long ago I was sporting short hair, dockers, button-downs and ties and hitting the bars. Now, I have hair down to the middle of my back, wearing a f'ing Vera Wang wedding dress and participating full force in the bridal industrial complex. I'm currently taking a feminist studies class and it reminded me how I was when I first started doing my feminist/women's studies coursework for my MA: idealistic but still angry about how the world works. While I'd like to think that some of that rage is still inside me and I don't think I have become soft, I think I have become more tolerable and understanding of others and their beliefs.
There are some who may think that a woman changing her last name is "unfeminist." To me this is a very tricky and personal decision for every woman who is about to get married. First, there is no one singular socio-political belief system known as feminism. There are multiple feminisms to reflect the diverse experiences of women around the world. However, the underlining goal of feminism is to improve the lives and experiences of women (and men) by ending gender oppression and injustice. Therefore, I find it difficult especially within this context to label the act of changing one's last name to her husband's as being "unfeminist."
We currently live in a patriarchal country where surnames are generally passed down through men. Even if a bride were not to take her husband's last name she would still have her father's (or some other familial male member's) last name. There are multiple reasons why a woman may no longer want to keep her last name. Perhaps, she has negative associations with that name such as it is a constant reminder of an abusive or absent father or she may not like the way it sounds or more simply, she wants to mark this transition by changing her last name to her husband's.
Ultimately, this country unlike others, give women this choice. If a woman wants to change her last name then it is HER choice to do so. Now, if the future husband is a complete douche monkey and is forcing her to do this, or other patriarchal forces pressure her into it, then it is no longer a choice.
In some states men are allowed to change their last name to their future spouses, but in some they cannot. He can hyphenate it or they can combine their last names but he cannot take his wife's last name. Men should be able to be given the same choice for the same reasons I stated above. This is a deeply personal decision and I think it is unfair to judge or label women "unfeminist" if they make a conscious decision to change their name.
What have I decided to do? I'm taking on Mr. Nee's last name as an additional middle name. First, I want to honor my father and grandmother by maintaining my maiden name. Second, I have become who I am with this last name and I want to continue to do so. Third, Mr. Nee shares a last name with someone who is relatively well known in my field, shares similar research interests, and has a similar first name and I don't want to have to deal with the confusion that may spur from that. Finally, the most important reason is that I want to mark this transition in my life and show my love and devotion to Mr. Nee without losing me.
Weddings are a celebration of love and commitment. Not only between the two getting married but also for those in attendance, which is why, I'm having my father walk me down the aisle (at least part of the way). Yes, to some, this would seem "unfeminist." However, for me, this is best way to honor my father and show gratitude. My father has been through a lot in life and in the last few years has seen little joy. I know that by doing this, it will make him feel happy and wanted. However, he will not be giving me away. I'm a person, not property. I'm not something to be given or received by anyone including Mr. Nee.
I definitely think it is possible to be a feminist and have a wedding, wear the white dress, have your father walk you down the aisle and take your husband's last name. It is about compromise and being open and understanding without forgetting who you are and what you stand for.
ETA: After re-reading this, I realize that this post is incredibly heterosexist and does not address the heartbreaking injustices that many LGBT-identified individuals deal with regarding marriage, name changes and other basic human rights. It is so sad that in this country, marriage is considered a privilege. Everyone should have the right to be able to express their love and devotion to another person in a State-recognized union. If I had continued hitting bars in my younger days and found the woman/boi of my dreams, I would be denied this very basic human right.
About MissDeeNee
MissDeeNee is a graduate student in Geography in San Diego (as well as Santa Barbara). She's a fierce feminist with strong opinions regarding what is known as the "bridal industrial complex." However, she also secretly loves participating in some of these things, but will find ways to challenge the norm.
Nicole Barker said
Yay I'm taking my partner/spouse/husband's last name as a second middle name (which leads to the double-middle-initial problem that grad students everywhere loathe: N.K.S. Barker). However, we just moved to Québec after getting married and as it turns out, Québec requires that a woman is required to keep her maiden name, on most official identification documents anyway, which is kind of cool…
Bri said
My partner/boyfriend will be taking my last name, out of honor for my father and also because he has no connection to his father/father's last name. Before I even had my feminist speech all built up he told me he wants to change his last name. I'm proud of him
Sara said
I agree that taking your husband's name does not make one not-a-feminist. Of course, I think that when we talk about women making choices in these areas (on topics that are particularly steeped in patriarchal customs), I hope we all recognize that what we think is pure free will is colored greatly by the society in which we were raised, and our 'choices' in some things are influenced so strongly by that society that, at some point, they may cease actually to be a 'choice.' (Just throwing that out there since you're a women's studies grad student, so I thought you'd appreciate the philosophizing and nuance!) Congrats on the nuptuals, of course!!
Sarah Elizabeth said
Perhaps something you find standard is offbeat to someone else, – perhaps, "offbeat" is a relative term.
Marquesa Jen said
Anyone can change their name, but if it isn't because of marriage it can be expensive and there is a different process, depending on the state.
Tara Saulnier said
Love the idea! A guy I work with recently got married and they actually came up with a hyphenated version of both their last names so that they took on each others names.
Ammie said
Mary, as someone who shares this point of view with the author and also identifies as a feminist, I don't find this to be a "standardized" point of view. Doing something that is considered "traditional" because you have put careful thought and consideration into it and made a decision based on your own feelings, beliefs, and situation is completely different than just doing something because it is tradition.
You will find many, many opinions on here, even ones that seem traditional at first glance, because being "offbeat" is about being tolerant and accepting of each other's differences and supporting one another in a world that is not very tolerant of anything that differs from what is considered "the norm".
Eek, not trying to get on a soap box here, just trying to explain what I love about this community. They accept and support everyone here, and that is what makes this site so awesome. Keep visiting offbeat bride, I promise you'll see lots of different (and all equally valid) opinions and beliefs. I love reading it all, and love being a part of such an amazing community
offbeat_shrie said
Well said Ammie! You hit the nail on the head.
Celeste said
Agreed — doing something just because it's against tradition is no better than doing something that's tradition but that means something to you. The point of being "offbeat" is being yourself, not just rebelling as much as possible for the sake of rebelling =)
For me, I didn't have any good reason to change my name, so I didn't. My husband and I were more comfortable walking down the aisle together, so we did. I get annoyed by people who just do things solely because they think they're "supposed" to, but if someone has their own valid reasons for going along with tradition, even if it's not what I would do, then I fully support them.
Jennifer said
My first name is so common that I hesitated to change my last name when I got married because it sounded like a completely different person's name. My husband really wanted us to share a last name, though, and his first name sounded silly with my last name. To compromise, I added his last name onto the end of my name, unhyphenated, so I can mix and match which combination of last names to give out when it's convenient. I now have an extremely long legal name consisting of one first name, one middle name, and two last names. It works for us.
I love the addition of your husband's name as a middle name. It seems like another great way to connect with each other and still honor the family that raised you.
Nicole Barker said
You brought up a point I forgot to make earlier: sometimes it's inconvenient to have a different last name from your spouse. Part of the reason I'm using hubby's last name as a middle name is so that it'll be on my ID (when I'm back in non-Québec Canada), which makes silly little logistical things a lot easier. The second (and more important reason) was as a connection thing. Now what would have been ideal is if Kyle had added my last name as his second middle name… but he's a bit too traditional sometimes, methinks…
Jennifer said
Yes, that's a huge reason why I gave in to tacking it on the end of my name. He's able to do little things for me now like pick up my prescription from the pharmacy and talk to the cable company because sharing a last name makes it obvious that he's not lying about being my husband. It's a bit silly that you have to share a last name to be taken seriously sometimes, but that's the way this culture is built right now. Also, if we ever get around to having kids, we don't have to choose a last name for them (and either one of us could pick them up from daycare or school without a signed affidavit).
Kalokagathia said
I think this is what I am going to do… was it hard to do? You can just add a last name?
Liz said
Thank you so much for this. I chose to take my husbands last name precisely because I lacked all emotional connection to my father and my father's entire family. But I have a strong, healthy, lasting relationship with my husband and his family. There were also other emotional reasons for my choice. I don't think that any family needs to share a last name to BE a family but simply because of my specific experiences, it resonates that way for me. I know that many of my fellow feminist friends have judged my decision without really knowing the reasons so I full appreciate that other feminist brides recognize how personal the decision is.
That said, anyone who refers to me as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname, will suffer a horrific tongue-lashing!
Emma said
That's exactly my situation. XD I see my last name as connected to my father, with whom I am not close, and plus I just like the sound of my first name with my future spouse's last name. Plus my father has all sisters – so my aunts, cousins, etc. (whom I love dearly) all have different last names anyway.
I think the Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname thing is silly. I watched the movie The Secret of NIMH (with the rats) the other day for the first time in years, and realized how weird it is that the main character is "Mrs. Jonathan Brisby" for the entire movie – like she doesn't have a first name! We never find out what her real name is. It was a bit irritating…
Anna said
My parents were born in 1974 and my mother didn't change her name – and then she gave it to me as a middle name. Just wanted to let anyone know who is contemplating what to do and are worried about future children's reaction – it was never, ever an issue. I thought it was normal – and as I get older I think it is SO boss that she didn't change her name. The only confusion came when I met my friend's parents and thought they were brother and sister – ha. Just wanted to point out that there are lots of people out there who do not have their father's or another male family member's last name as their last name. Lots of couples are having a discussion about which partner's last night they kids will have. In my relationship the pets get my last name and the kids will get his.
Thanks for writing about this MissDN!
Sara said
Love that you thought your friend's parents were sister & brother – awesome! And seriously bonus points for use of the word BOSS!
jaycee said
I'm not changing my name – I like it, it's mine (not my father's – well, it is, but he doesn't own it, yeesh). When my FH and I have kids, we'll give one each last name. So, the first kid will have one of our last names and the second will have the other (we want two, so that's convenient, anyway).
caroline said
My boyfriend's father died when he was 8. His father was adopted and given the last name by his adoptive mother. I want to take his last name because he wants his father's legacy to live on in our family.
To me, a feminist is a woman (or man) who understands that she is not subordinate to anyone and is free to make the choices she wants, whether that be taking his name, keeping hers, getting a new one, never marrying, etc.
Karina said
Call me amazingly shallow, childish, pathetic, whatever, I'm taking my fiance's last name because of what I put up from others with as a child and teen as a result of my surname. I was teased mercilessly and if I can avoid putting our future offspring (and myself, come to think of it, some adults are amazingly childish and still poke fun) in that same firing line, I will.
Great post. I'm sick of being told I'm "un-feminist" because I'm taking his last name or simply because I'm getting married. How is it fair that we're supposed to support gay marriage but it's frowned upon for a hetero female to enter a so-called "male-dominated" custom?
Jess said
I had a friend with a last name that she didn't care for, and would get teased often because of it, and she would always joke that she couldn't wait to get married so she could change her last name, and that her dream guy would be a Smith, or Jones.
Aine said
My great aunts used to tell me about their step-mom saying she was so happy to be married and have nicer initials (they started as HAW and changed to HAS).
missfancypantsabride said
Taking his name as an additional middle name is such a good idea that I feel stupid for having never thought of it! I know of the option to replace my middle name with my maiden name, but I love my middle name too. But if I do it your way I won't lose anything, woohoo!
irisira said
I know, it's something that never occurred to me, either. I actually wouldn't necessarily mind dropping my middle name, anyway – like you, I love my middle name, but I generally go only by the initial ("M"), not the full name ("Michele"), and everyone assumes it's "Marie", because "all Irish-Catholic girls have the middle name Marie!"
If I change it to "T" (his last name begins with a T), everyone will assume it's "Theresa," but who cares?
I should ask my officiant if that's even feasible in NY – I would imagine it is, as just about anything is feasible, which is awesome. +1 for NYS! (For a change …)
Nerdybride Erika said
Great post.
I am taking my fiance's last name, but it took me a while to decide. My fiance does not care either way. The major reason I hesitated taking his last name is that his ex-wife did not change her last name back to her maiden name when they got divorced (they have no children together). That's her choice, of course. After a while I thought that it is my choice, too; and though she has his last name, they no longer share a life together. I also have a few publications in my name, but that's really not that big of a deal.
I was considering adding my last name as my middle name, but then I would be E.E.E [last name] and that may be too much!
I guess when it comes down to it, I think it's about sharing your life with someone else; the nomenclature isn't necessarily the important part.
Sonya said
I'm getting married in October. I'm taking my FH's last name as a symbol of us becoming a single unit. I am lucky that my maiden name is a comes from an older given name, "Ivo", which we will give as a middle name to our first child. I consider receiving his name an honor, symbolizing our two families bonded at a deeper level. I will be hyphenating my name on facebook, however.
2dBride said
I think the issue for many of us is that each individual woman who takes her husband's last name will describe totally feminist reasons for doing so: "I never liked my last name," "He was the last person in his family with that name," "I wanted a symbol of us becoming a family." And yet somehow, 90% of the time, the woman takes the man's last name. (And that doesn't even count the ones that hyphenate.) One would assume that men are as likely as women not to like their last names, or to marry someone who is the last one with a particular name, or to want an obvious symbol of becoming a family. Yet the percentage of men taking their wives' last names or even hyphenating is so small that it is difficult even to find statistics on it.
So yes, I respect an individual woman's right to change her name, and an individual man's right not to. But at some point, I start wondering how "voluntary" the choice really is, when one gender overwhelmingly makes a choice that the other rarely even considers.
Marie said
I would assume (possible wrongly?) that anyone marrying someone who would think that hard about to change their name or not, considering a feminist perspective, would discuss it with their soon-to-be spouse. I discussed it at length with my fiance – and quite simply, he asked me to take his name. Sweetly and sincerely. He asked. That was it. Does that mean I'm not a feminist or my reasoning is wrong? I don't know.
Truthfully what I'd like to see is a world where we don't have to defend these choices to anyone. Just "Hi. I'm now ____________" or "Nothing has changed, carry on!"
Sara said
Agreed – I made a similar comment above. None of us can divorce these 'choices' from the patriarchal society in which we were raised. I'm guessing most people on a blog as feminist as this one would agree (or at least I hope they would recognize this truth), although it does not feel good to realize how programmed we are by the society in which we live.
Victoria said
Exactly. I've never read anyone blasting or condemning all women who change their names as unfeminist. However, I think this is the seventh? post I've seen about a feminist woman who changed her name and hates how she is constantly judged and condemned.
I've nothing against anyone's personal choice.
But feminism is all about finding patterns and seeing what they say (a particular individual woman might be more suited to cook and clean and be the primary caretaker then her husband – but when all women 'make' that choice women as a group end up much much more likely to live in poverty, be vulnerable to abuse etc.) It's important to be aware of that. Self identified feminists are still more likely to take their husband's name then keep their own. Self identified feminists are likely to marry a man that won't take their name or even add their name if she wants to hypthenate. What does that say? Maybe that says nothing – but I doubt it.
Nothing against anyone who has changed their names. Every feminist I know makes many choices that are not feminist either because they are neutral as far as feminism goes or because succumbing to patriarchy in a limited way is necessary to prosper and be happy in our society. This includes me.
Naomi said
I'm still trying to figure out what to change my name to when I get married (if at all). And it bothers me mildly that my FH rests in the security that society won't ever expect him to change his name and therefore he never even considers it.
My ideal which matches my values would be for us both to change our surname to "Web" (part of a nickname he goes by on the internet anyway). When I suggested it, he was uncomfortable (as he has a lot of pride in his surname and his massive Italian family would feel rejected).
I'm uncomfortable with taking his surname because I don't want to be referred to as just another personality-less "[hislastname] woman" in his family. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that he forgets that he could just as legitimately be referred to as a "[insert his mother's surname here] boy". I guess its petty but why does only one parent's side of the family get the credit for what he does?
Actually writing this all out has cemented my decision that I'm not going to change my surname (though I'm not going to be picky if someone accidentally refers to me as his last name). Even though I was teased for it when I was younger, that is nothing compared to the ramifications of changing it.
I have no idea what we're going to do when we have our first child though. His family will insist and assume unquestioningly that she will have their last name. Though again writing this out has helped me decide. She will have my family's middle name and his family's last name. It's not ideal, but sometimes its easier to go the less-conflict route.
Aurora said
This is going on a bit of a different tangent… I thought it was very interesting that the author talked about marriage being regarded as a privilege in the US. It makes me wonder… what would happen if straight people couldn't have a government recognized marriage? Would marriage still be a "privilege" in that case?
Classic Liberal said
Governments have only started recognizing marriage pretty recently in history, mainly for tax reasons. For the US, I think it's only been a century, probably not more than 150 years. Before that, it was solely a religious (or, as I prefer, spiritual) issue between the people involved, and between them and their chosen community. Personally, I think that the government should get out of our lives and stop recognizing any marriages. Then any couple (or group if they're so inclined!), who wishes to be recognized as married has only declare it, which may or may not involve a ceremony in front of their peers.
As far as "benefits" are concerned – in a free society any person could contract freely with any company they choose, regardless of whether the government recognizes a couple's union. If two men want to have a family plan insurance policy, great. They'd sign up with the company of their choice, and hopefully their relationship is strong enough to last through the terms of the insurance contract, just as it is with any hetero marriage today. Obviously this would require the government getting out of our lives and setting arbitrary rules about who is considered married. If only one insurance company will insure gay couples, then guess who's going to get all the gay business! Soon the others will follow. And taxes should be low and irrespective of marital status.
And for "recognition" of marriage – hell, I had an atheist wedding, and I'm sure that there's plenty of religious communities in the world who won't officialy recognize us as a married couple! What matters is that our friends and family recognize us as a family unit. You can whine until you're blue in the face for everyone to recognize your relationship – or you can be happy with who DOES recognize it, and work to open other peoples' eyes.
G1tana said
Although I am in a queer relationship, I am gender-queer-femme while my partner is trans-butch- which makes our relationship feel a bit hetero-normative at times. As a feminist, I have long been against the idea of losing my last name. However my partner and I are hoping to start a family soon, and knowing that our children will have to deal with the social challenges of having queer parents, want to have a single name to clearly identify us a a FAMILY. Since I will be the one carrying the babies and sharing a genetic connection with them, I felt it was only fair that they be given my partner's name. My partner recognized how difficult a choice this was for me and pointed out that we both loathe our middle names- therefore why shouldn't we BOTH change our names, taking my last name as our new middle name. This was the perfect compromise for us, as I will keep my name in some form and we'll both be sharing each other's names. I must say that it is sad that generally speaking, only women are forced to choose between the names while men are automatically assumed to be keeping their names. Has anyone ever met a Mr. HerLastName?
Anna said
I know a few Mr. HerLastNames and I actually know a couple who fought over who was going to change their name – he wanted to take hers and vice versa – ha. The Mr. HerLastNames I met were fellow lawyers interestingly enough.
Sara said
That part doesn't surprise me. About half my friends are lawyers (as am I), and almost every married couple I know where the woman is a lawyer, the wife has kept her name or the two have made a new name. (I also am keeping my name.)… Maybe something about the profession? Or the societally-recognized success of the wife puts her name/identity into a different category than the usual male-dominated situation? Interesting observation…
Schatzi said
For me, being accused of being anti-feminist for choosing to take my husband's name is sometimes extremely distressing. We considered choosing another name, but ultimately couldn't decide on one in time (Christmas-Kitten, Lovecraft?). I knew from the start, however, that I did not want to retain my father's last name, my maiden name, because of my extreme distaste for my father, a womanizer and child-beater. Yet, some women would castigate me for this.
channamasala said
I'm taking my fiance's last name, as well, because my own name is long, difficult and when we travel abroad (which is often; we LIVE abroad) it's well nigh impossible for others to get right. His sounds nicer and is short and easy.
Kudos to MissDeeNee; I know how ya feel. I also hate how the world assumes that because I'm changing my name that I'm somehow more traditional than I let on – no…I just happen to prefer his name to mine. I've never liked mine and I think I'm doing OK for identity seeing as I "created" my own first name (I created a slightly unusual nickname from the common first name my parents gave me) and everyone uses it – I know people who are not actually aware that my legal name is different.
lucy said
If you don't like your name, why wait to get married to change it?
irisira said
Because it's cumbersome if you're not getting married.
I changed my last name when i was 18, and I won't bore you with the details and the red tape I got tied up in. I had good reason for changing it, and a motivation (I wanted the name I was changing it to, moreso than I wanted to dump my current name). If it's just, "I don't like it," and you don't have a good alternative off the top of your head … well, it's often more trouble than it's worth.
Anastasia said
Maybe it depends on the state, but I changed my name and it was pretty straightforward. I wrote my check out to the courthouse, they gave me a paper, I then faxed that paper or took it with me to get my driver license, bank account, credit card, school, etc. information updated. Everything was updated in three months time. You just have to keep a list of any agency that needs your curret legal name on file.
irisira said
I think it does depend on the State. I had to publish a notice in the newspaper and everything! New York does everything more difficult, though …
Vivian said
I had to publish a notice in the newspaper too, but it really didn't seem like that much work to me. I'd been planning to change my name, which I always hated, since age 16, and I finally came up with the right one and did it at 19. I also used to roll my eyes at people who said they couldn't wait to get married to change their names– why should they? And what's the guarantee that their husband's last name would be any more pleasing?
It was definitely worth it for me to change my name when I did. And obviously, I kept it when I got married. I sort of laughed at anyone who even asked whether I was planning to do otherwise!
ByAnyOtherName said
This topic tears me up.
Whatever choice a woman makes with regards to names, lord knows I won't judge. You do what you think is best, and that's that. Hetero men get off easy, here, but it seems any woman who identifies as feminist ends up in agony over making a decision. I won't add to it.
I have no idea what to do in my own situation. I love my last name. I have a strong connection to my family and to my name, which is unusual, has a super-cool meaning, and starts with a weird letter. It's awesome. Person-I'm-marrying has a cool name, too (though not as cool as mine, and tough to spell), a strong bond with his family, etc … if he changed his name I know his father would be sad, and his grandparents would be devastated. My family would be proud if I kept mine but wouldn't blink if I didn't — this is a small part of the huge sucking vortex of fail caused by tradition.
So, we keep separate names, maybe. That's how I'm leaning now, but I'm so sad at the thought of my children not sharing the same name as their parents. At my family not being united under a name the way mine was growing up. Our names are awful hyphenated, and even stacked one after the other they're completely mismatched and awkward.
I feel like there's no way to win, here, I hate it.
Sara said
Of course there's a way to win! Just do what feels right. Sounds like you are already there – keeping your name that you adore! Caving to societal pressure to change your name, when it doesn't feel right, is the only way you will lose here.
Children have a lot bigger problems in families than not having the same name. My 'rents were "united" under the same name, and it didn't stop my sperm donor of a father from cheating like it was his job and leaving my mother with three kids (who bore his oh-so-bland last name) to raise… Also, if you think they won't fit in, move to Brooklyn! Half of the kids in my 'hood have families where people have different names. Or you could move to Spain or countless other places where that's the norm.
Good luck ByAnyOtherName! P.S. Want to give a hint on your name? Does it start with an X?!
Heather said
Either hyphenate officially, and use whichever name works better for you guys unofficially, or one or both of you can take a second middle name. We also struggled with this a lot, and finally we BOTH hyphenated. It works, even if it's a bit cumbersome. Today, society is so informal that almost everyone goes by their first names. I'm "Heather" to everyone, not "Madame BlahblahBlahblah-Blahblah (yes, that's the correct number of syllables in my new last name!)
I wanted to keep my name, because it's cool, and because, translated, it's an aptonym for my field. I was pretty okay with taking his name, because it's even more of an aptonym, and I'm just dorky like that. But most importantly, I wanted the entire family to have the same name. He didn't want to drop his name, but was willing to do so for love of me (I think a one-way ticket to divorce is to pressure your spouse into something they really don't want to do). So, we compromised and hyphenated, and now our name is huge! Bottom line is, you can make anything work. Make a list of your priorities. If aesthetics are your first priority, this isn't much help. If familial respect and a common last name is your priority (sounds like it is), you'll find something that works for you.
Kate said
Don't be sad at the thought of your children not sharing the same name. My mom kept her maiden name, and I got my dad's last name (although I changed it when I got married, after much, much soul-searching!). No one ever blinked. My mom was still known as Mrs. DadsLastName by my classmates and others but she didn't particularly care. She was Firstname Lastname and also the wife of DadsFirstname Lastname. She had no problem being both. And it most certainly didn't matter to me. It was totally normal as far as I was concerned.
Really, it's not a name that unites a family. To be honest, the reason my mom didn't change her name when she married my dad was she had been married before to a horrid, horrid man who treated her like crap (no kids, thank God). They shared a name, but they certainly weren't united. She went back to her maiden name after the divorce and never looked back.
So, it wasn't a problem for me, nor for her (or my dad for that matter!). Just do what feels right. It's amazing the amount of things that seem SO HUGE AND IMPORTANT before the wedding, but just fall into place.
ByAnyOtherName said
Much love for the reassurance re: kid names, ladies. I'm happy with my name and he's happy with his name, I think that's the way we'll go (mine starts with a V, by the way). Kids will get … one or the other. I'd consider giving kids my name, or every other kid my name, but that's a discussion for later, I think.
I hate to toss the feeling of family unity via name but I do think it's the weakest link. A lot of ladies say they've taken their husband's name so that they can 'be a family', or 'for the kids', it just stinks that the burden's by default on the woman in a hetero relationship for thinking about sacrificing that for the sake of … well, a name. But it means a lot to me, so it's worth it, I guess. People will find other reasons to be judgmental anyway.
Ursula said
The way to win is the way that you choose. I'll tell you, my mother never took my father's name, and as a result they split me and my three siblings neatly down the middle- one boy and one girl had Mom's last name, and one boy and one girl had Dad's. And we all grew up fine, we all still love each other, and I totally plan on doing the same thing with my kids. Family unity is built with love and understanding, not by one person sublimating their own history and personhood to that of another.
Laurel said
Here's the thing: yes, you have the right to do whatever the hell you want with your name. However, we all know that the entire concept of a wife taking her husband's name is a holdover from the idea of women as property, being tranferred from the father's family to the husband's. All of these complicated feminist apologetics depress me, because they seem like putting lipstick on a very ugly pig. It would never occur to 99.9% of men to change their name upon marriage, no matter how much they hate they fathers, love their wives, etc. Why would they? It's their name just as much as their father's, just as my name is mine because it's been part of me for 30-odd years. Why should I have to change my name to show we're a family unit? It would never occur to my husband to do that, even though he's a feminist.
If you want to change your name to your husband's, for whatever reason, that's your right. But let's not kid ourselves: you're doing what patriarchy expects and wants you to do, and the result–you are now Mrs. HisName– is no different whether you do mental acrobatics about it beforehand or not.
Sara said
What Laurel said.
jaycee said
Thank you. Yes. I deeply hate the "Well your maiden name was your father's name!!!" argument. If you don't like your dad and want to ditch the name, fine, whatevs, but the point is this: men don't own names. If it's your name that you grew up with, it's yours as much as it's your dad's or anyone else's. It has never once occurred to me to change my name, and I never assumed I would even before I met my guy, and so I don't hurl stones at the women who do it, but I can only see it in terms of the patriarchy. My dad's father abandoned him when he was 4 and never came back, and his mother is a looney toon no one eve talks to anymore, but Dad didn't change his name to Mom's when they got hitched. Probably never occurred to him. Again, do whatcha want, but the last-name changing is a patriarchal idea of property.
VMG said
yes yes yes, i agree completely. i don't berate women who take their husbands' last names, but i STILL remain unconvinced by ANY reason that this move is somehow feminist (or, at least, is "not unfeminist"). hate your dad and don't want to be associated with him? take your mom's surname. well, mom's surname was HER dad's surname? fer god's sake–we can draw a line SOMEWHERE and claim a name as OUR OWN. why does this change only have to happen when you get married?
and why wouldn't he take your name? or why don't you BOTH hyphenate? or come up with something new, and BOTH take it. (yeah yeah, everyone will assume it's just his name anyway… sigh.) how does a man taking his wife's name mean that there is more family unity than if a woman took her husband's name?
[pant pant pant] you can see this whole thing has bothered me for quite a while… i agree, it always has seemed like complicated apologetics…
VMG said
oops, i meant, how does a woman taking her husband's name mean that there is more family unity than if a man took his wife's name?
damn emotional typing.
Naomi said
This is why I keep wishing there was no such thing as a last name.
Everyone knows me as Naomi. That's who I am. My last name has very little do with how I see myself. If I could do away with surnames altogether I would be extremely happy (I'm sooo jealous of "Madonna" and "Cher" etc). I'm heading for a career in academia, and I cringe every time someone gets referred to by their surname, as though they're not an individual but just a product of a family (damn APA and Harvard-style referencing – I really wish I could ask everyone in the academic world to just refer to me by my first name, first name and middle name, or full name, but NOT my surname only). I'm really hoping that in everything I can continue being called Naomi, not just "Ms. Lastname".
Unfortunately my FH's surname has everything to do with his pride and self image. And if I take it, it will have everything to do with how his family views me (hence why I won't), not to mention that it would be endorsing the wrong value to my facebook friends – I should be more specific here:
I grew up with a single-parent unmarried mother who felt like a second-class citizen because she wasn't married, also I grew up in a "Christian" environment to whom marriage is everything (because it equals sex). I don't want to make people who aren't married feel bad, or feel that it is crucial to success in life. Thus on all forms I am "Ms." (my marital status is irrelevant) and I won't change my surname, so that it will be clear that I'm still the same individual I was before I married, and that I feel no need to announce to society that I'm not single any more (like I needed to be cured of being unmarried because there was something wrong).
Dana said
I respectfully disagree. I think it's okay and "not-unfeminist" to thoughtfully participate in traditions with patriarchal origins, even traditions that have patriarchal undertones in the present.
Two things:
First, name-changing has a whole spectrum of meanings and emotions revolving around it, and those are slightly different for every person – female subordination, family unity, how you feel about your own family and your in-laws, how much you like the sound of your name, etc. I don't think anyone can decide how much someone else should weigh the patriarchal symbolism relative to all the other factors that go into deciding whether to change a last name.
Second, social norms do impact men's and women's decisions on a large scale, but that doesn't mean the individuals making the decisions were brainwashed or naive. Our upbringing impacts our likes and dislikes, and our culture raises boys and girls differently. The result is that individual men and women thoughtfully, wisely doing what makes them happiest is sometimes going to result in big behavior differences between the genders. I don't think a person have an obligation to deny themselves something they like just because their desire is partly a product of a sexist culture. Better to go with what you want and make a point to speak up for people who do make the non-traditional choice.
Andrea said
Amen.
I am taking my husband's surname and I'm 42 years old. I've received criticism on both sides and let them all know (while smiling) that this decision is one that is not being made lightly…kinda like the decision to get married in the first place. In my profession I'm know more by my first name then my last name. The strongest negative voice in this was my mother's! And she took my dad's surname when they married…but she's (finally) come to realise that to me, it's only a name. It's does not truly define who I am as a human being. I am excited and honoured to change my name…it won't change who I am.
Kim said
My FH often refers to me as "The Fabulous Ms. Kim (Lastname)" and it has become sort of a fond joke among our friends. Early on in our engagement I asked him if he wanted me to take his name. He looked all puppy-dog sad and said, "But then you wouldn't be The Fabulous Ms. Kim (Lastname)!" I love that man.