Marrying your BFF, losing interest in weddings, and book tours
Reader Mail
By
on January 07, 2010
32
Photo by Modern Image Studios, as submitted to the Offbeat Bride pool
i hear a lot "i married my best friend". are there anyone out there that don't marry their best friend? i love my boyfriend, but he's not my best friend. -Amy Michelle
I'm totally with you on your sentiment — I love Andreas, but I also love my lady friends and I love not having all my eggs in one relationship basket. But I think what people are getting at with the "marrying my best friend" statement is a response to the whole "ball 'n' chain" spousal animosity thing where people roll their eyes at their partners, talk shit about them behind their backs, etc. If your partner feels like a ball 'n' chain, then UR DOING IT WRONG! So yes, while I'm glad I have BFFs other than my husband, I'm also glad I genuinely admire him as a person. Or, as the NYTimes says:
Being married to someone you respect for being somehow better than you keeps affection alive. That this impressive person chooses you year after year makes you more pleased with yourself, fueling the kind of mutual self-esteem that can get you through decades.
Do you think that as time goes on, your interest in Offbeat brides will dwindle and you interest in Offbeat mamas will grow now that you're a mama yourself? -Ruby
Ruby, who can ever know for sure … but I don't think so. Weddings and mothering are very different beasts — while they're both about making a deep loving commitment, on many levels weddings will always be more glamourous. Let's face it: even offbeat mothering doesn't often revolve around gorgeous gowns, catered meals, and flower arrangements. Kid clothes are cute, but until Wai Ching moves into the children's market, I don't see myself getting my glitz fix from Offbeat Mama. And this bitch LOVES her glitz fix.
How young was the youngest bride you have come across? What do you think about the latest "trend" of young marriages? -Hannah
I don't ask people's ages when we feature them on Offbeat Bride, so I'm really not sure. Certainly, I haven't seen anyone younger than early 20s. As for a younger bride trend — really? All the statistics I've seen keep showing the age getting higher and higher.
As for what I think about it — well, I fell in love with my now-husband at age 22, but didn't marry him until I was 29. Why the wait? Our logic went something like this: we knew deep in our souls that we were in it for the long haul, and so why rush? We both knew it was solid and didn't feel like we needed to prove it to anyone. I knew at 22 that he was the guy I was going to marry and have a family with, but for me at least I didn't feel much of a rush to get there. Your values may vary, obviously. And that's cool. I'm all for young brides — I think the bigger issue is more how long you've been with your partner rather than how old you are.
Tell us a *little* about new mom-dom pleeeaaaaasssseeee. You know, without violating the wee one's privacy, natch? -Meg
New mom-dom is awesome, thanks to a baby with a super mellow temperament (I'm better rested now than I was in my third trimester!), having family in town, and a partner with a flexible work schedule. I was prepared for the baby's arrival to feel like a bomb dropping — it seemed like all I heard about was how we'd never sleep again, never see a movie in the theaters again, barely have time to shower, etc etc etc. Well, I'm here to say we sleep 8 hours a night (granted, over the course of 10 hours), we went to see a movie yesterday (thanks to my dad for babysitting), and I shower daily.
I'm also learning a lot about my own issues around privacy. While my wedding was an open book (literally!) I'm super protective about how much of my son goes on the internet. I wrote about this on Offbeat Mama recently.
Ariel, are you planning any book tours? -SarahElizabeth
I did a book tour when my book released in early 2007, hitting events in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, and Vancouver BC.
It was fun, but here's a little secret: in this day and age of publishing, most book tours are funded by the author. In 2007, I paid for all my travel out of pocket and organized most of the readings myself. It wasn't especially glamorous: I slept on friend's couches and had a couple readings where less than 10 people showed up — 9 of them being friends who wanted to support me. I even had one reading where no one showed up. That felt awesome.
Granted, things are different for Offbeat Bride three years later, on the eve of my book being re-released in February of 2010. Thanks to the website, there are more people who are interested in the book. Then again, the economy is doing even worse and now there's an Offbeat Newborn involved — both of which would make it much rougher for me to organize/fund a tour out of pocket.
If you feel inspired, you can email my publisher's PR rep and put in your request for an event in your area. Maybe if they hear from enough people, they'll consider organizing a mini-tour.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
@dootsiebug said
After you e-mail the PR Rep, please try e-mailing a local book store that can accomodate a ballin' book tour! If you can convince a super cool book store to make a huge push for a book stop, they can sometimes land 'em. One of our bookstores has done some pretty crazy stuff to convince publishers to swing book tours around to them.
Elisabeth said
I have to ask – Any thoughts for an "offbeat mama" book?
OffbeatAriel said
Considering I have exactly 6 weeks of experience on the whole mama gig — it's not likely for a loooong time.
Jax Adele said
I'm glad you shower regularly, as does Andreas probably…lol. Keep up the good work Ariel! Any word on wedding cruises or groom-al showers?
Simone said
I have a funny story for that first question: when I was a kid my little sister asked my mom who her best friend was. "Your dad" she replied. I insisted that she was wrong – "Dad CAN'T be her best friend, because he's her husband! Sue is her best friend!" I was indignant. I still kind of feel the same way. When people say they married their best friend – I'm sure they're being honest. But I think Ariel is right – we all have different types of friends and different types of best friends and it's probably a good thing to be pretty darn good friends with the person they're marrying. What you call them is a matter of semantics.
Zwizh said
I wanted to weigh in on the "marrying your best friend" thing. I certainly think it can work, and I think that as relationships develop over time, the marriage can grow into best friends. However, I do not think you have to marry your best friend to have a good marriage. My male best friend was my Man of Honor in my wedding. I love him dearly. But I could never have married him; we are just not compatible in that way. My husband and I are more like partners, looking at marriage as a life-long project. We work well together, we respect each other, and most of all, we love each other. We don't have to be exclusive best friends for our marriage to be a success.
Kate said
Well put. In fact, my two male best friends are (1) happily married to someone else for a number of years, and (2) an ex-boyfriend. I'm closer to my husband than to pretty much anyone on earth, but the whole "24/7 partnership" thing scans differently to me than the close friendships I have with other women and men.
Katherine Smith said
Since the new edition of the book came up… I'm getting started on planning and definitely want to use the book for a resource, but I've also got a good amount of time (wedding is early 2011). Should I muster up some patience and wait until February for the new edition or do you think they are similar enough that I can go get my fix and snatch up the book today? Thanks!
Sarah TX said
I'm quite a shy introvert, so I don't really believe in the concept of a "best friend" as something that has ever worked for me. But certainly, if I had to name the person that knew me the best, that was best able to handle my ups and downs, and really GOT me on a fundamental level, it would have to be…. my mom
I think it's a genetics thing – she's the only person who thinks I'm just the bee's knees. We've been together for 7 years and married for less than 2, and my spouse is only NOW starting to get my sense of humor.
@kareniswaiting said
Glad your interest in the glamour of weddings isn't fading! I haven't even finished planning my after the fact wedding and I am totally sick of it already! I totally tried to get re-inspired by offbeat all the time.
Celeste said
My husband is absolutely my best friend. Neither of us has that many other really close friends, although we have many acquaintances, so maybe that has something to do with it. I used to have two or three best friends at a time when I was in school, but since then I've never really had any one person that I felt I could trust completely to be there for me until I met my husband.
I'm sure it depends on the couple and the individual relationship.. but I personally could not have married anyone other than my best friend. I definitely couldn't live with anyone who wasn't my best friend, haha (I've had some bad roommate experiences!). My husband and I both work from home, together, so spending 90% of our day together, and not being best friends, would be awfully hard if we didn't like each other a whole lot. =)
Elisabeth said
That's okay – I'm getting married this year, having a kid hopefull at some point after there. There's time, I'm patient.
Meg said
My significant other is probably my best friend at the moment, especially since we moved in together and do so much around one another.
We were best friends when we first got involved, but throughout the course of my relationship, there have been times when one or both of us had best friends outside of the relationship.
The great thing about my Ben is that even though he's the one person in the world that I would listen to when it comes to having other friends, he would never ask me to not be friends with someone (unless they were very harmful to me, natch).
Kate said
My relationship with my husband definitely has all the qualities I'd want in a best friendship-he understands me very well, puts up with my crap but still loves me, we have a lot in common, we have a lot of fun together, and he can understand what I'm trying to say with just a look or a random noise.
But, I also have a best friend. Granted, she's a few hours away at this point so we don't hang out as often (sadface-poo on real jobs and salaries taking you away from friends!), but we're still really close and have a blast when we're together. I'm also really close with my mom, who also understands me really well and is an awesome sounding board. Girltime is so important!!
I think it also depends on someone's definition of a best friend. For some people, they can only have one. Others have a few. I think that really affects how you look at the question.
Ruby said
Thanks for answering my question Ariel! I too am a fan of the glitz and was happy to see the return of it after my son hit the 6 month mark and the faint smell of baby sick that constantly lingered around me disappeared. Oh to be able to wear lovely clothes again without accessorising with vomit on my shoulders!
And to share a few thoughts on the other questions; my fella is totally my bessie mate. We moved in together after only a couple of months and three years on we have a 15 month old baby. When we met we became great friends who were both looking for the same things from a relationship at the same time, so it worked for us. Oh, and when we marry next year, he'll be 29 while I'll be 23 and here in England, that's totally bucking the trend as people here seem to be marrying later and later.
Ana said
I think some people do marry their best friend, and some people don't, although one isn't better or worse than the other. I sort of agree that in theory it's better not to have all your relationship eggs in one basket, but as it happens, but fiance is my best friend. Not in some mushy way, like he's perfect as a friend, but really, this guy is my best friend in exactly the same way you think of non-romantic best friends. We also have chemistry as a couple, which is great, but I do think they're separate things (husband and best friend), even when they sometimes are in the same person.
Amelia Eve said
I appreciate the idea of marrying one's best friend, but I absolutely don't feel like that about my husband. You know the famous break-out cop out, "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you"? I feel sort of the opposite about our marriage. I am in love with him, and I'm still learning how to love him in that everyday way.
I've known my best friend for over thirty years, and I love her dearly, but she doesn't make my heart go pitter pat. That's my husband's job.
Cassandra said
I agree with Amelia… My fiance and I discuss a lot how we enjoy a completely different relationship with each other than we do with our best friends (my sister, his friend since 9th grade). It is vital to us that we have our own "thing" that we can go to outside our relationship- a platonic thing- that exists outside of and concurrent with our life together.
It's kind of a hard thing for me since my parents are my idea of the perfect marriage (31 years married, 36 years together) and they are absolutely best friends. They do everything together and rarely had friends outside their marriage.
But Dale and I are different than my parents in a lot of ways, not least of which the fact that we sometimes need time apart. We miss each other, and I'm always so glad to come home to him. But I think for someone like me it is unrealistic to think that I can get every kind of companionship I need from one person.
Andrea said
I'm the same…I don't really have a best friend. I love my beloved. We are good friends, we were friends first. But as far as one best friend? I don't have one. I have several very good friends, but I don't have everything I need/want rolled up in one person. I don't think, for me, that would be possible. And that's okay.
Sarah said
I never really had a "best friend" until I met my guy. To me, a best friend is someone you can be completely and totally yourself with, can talk about anything and everything with (including your darkest secrets and most embarrassing moments) and know you won't be judged for it, and who you pretty much always want to hang out with. Before my guy, I didn't have that with my girl friends (or my guy friends, for that matter). So while I agree that you don't have to marry your best friend to be happy, I think it goes a long way in making things easier for some people. : )
Belle said
I have been married for 21 years and with my hubby for 26….I'm 41 now and more in love with him than I ever have been. Are there days when I wanna slap him? Absolutely….Would I dive under a bus to save him? Without a second thought. He is my lover, my best friend and confidante and still (to me) the most handsome man I have ever met…If the man you are considering marrying is not the very first person you wanna share the good, the bad and the ugly with…dont do it. Seriously. Marriage for the long haul is a hard slog sometimes, and the high divorce rate is a scary, scary thing. Put him and his feelings first, and he does the same for you. You will have best girlfriends (maybe they will change over the years too) but my husband is my rock, and someone who I am deeply connected with heart and soul. I love nobody more. I adore my babies (my oldest is 19) but I know they will find their own way (as it should be) and hopefully their own partners to adore.
I just don't think a successful long term relationship will cut the mustard without hubby and I putting eachother first.
Just my 2 cents.
Belle
Cherry said
I do agree that the "young marriage" is coming back. Particularly for females.
My partner & I will be married in October, he's 24 & i'm soon to be 22.
We also know four other couples who are 21 to 25 & married or getting married very soon!
That being said, we're getting married because we want to & can afford to now.. if we couldn't afford it we certainly wouldn't be rushing into it. We bought our own house a year ago and are planning a baby in a year or two, so we figured we may as well marry before we put all of our money into that, otherwise i couldn't see a wedding being on the cards for many, many years!
Carolyn said
Glad to have you back writing more. Missed your voice!
jane said
I've been really interested in these husbands-as-friends posts. I guess I don't think of my husband as a friend at all, but I also can't really think of the right word for it either. We're a set, I guess. Like bookends or limbs. I don't think about having both of my legs most days, but if one were gone, I sure would notice. We balance each other out, in good times and in bad. Without the other something would just be missing (even if it's the other half of an argument!) We've settled into a life together in such a way that our lives have simply become intwined. My friends bring different kinds of light and fun and support into my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But it's just easier to see the different ways that my friends fit into my life. My husbands role has permeated every aspect of who I am and who I will be, so I guess that it just feels different.
Cherry said
Well said!
Lili said
Hey, I'm really glad I read this post, one of the things thats bugging me the most about getting married is the idea that as the blushing bride I should have a gaggle of girlfriends around me who I can't possibly live without and I must dress up like barbies for my special day! (no offence to those who do that, it does look cool) I don't really have that many close friends, I would say I have 4 maybe 5 true friends and 2 of those are my mam and H2B, and the others I wouldn't feel comfortable dictating to about what to wear! They live miles away now and I only see them once or twice a year if I'm lucky!
I guess I feel as though my wedding is also sort of a social judgment on me because I lack the ability to confide in large groups of people! My fella is definatly my best friend, I can't think of anyone else who would indulge all my excentricities and enjoy them with me!
I'm glad to find out other people feel the same!
Amesly said
I have to agree with Belle…and I also think it all depends on what your definition of 'best friend' is…I have a best girl friend, but she's across the country and in a totally different place in her life. My fiance is the one that I have the most in common with at this point. We were friends first, spent the first few months of our relationship long distance and have gone through some traumatizing experiences together. We can be absolutely silly and stupid with each other and then completely intimate and tender. I know our relationship wouldn't work if we weren't best friends, because we both need each other on both levels.