Marriage equality issues with hetero ceremonies in Australia
Philosophizing
Guestpost by
on January 27, 2010
92
Sarah posted this on the Kiwi & Aussie Brides Group over on the Tribe. It's an issue that we're sure lots of Aussie couples are struggling with, and one that unfortunately impacts couples worldwide. -Megan
Photo courtesy of Katherine O'Brien Photography
I'm an outspoken supporter of GLBTI rights, especially when it comes to marriage equality in Australia. I go to rallies, I write letters to my local member of parliament and I post stuff all over my Facebook. That said, I had a bit of a meltdown a few months ago when discussing my impending marriage — I hold a strong view that marriage should be between two loving people, no matter what their gender or sexual orientation.
I had trouble confirming that I wanted to adhere to and join an insitution that precluded my best friend, and many other people that have been supportive of my relationship with my FH. After speaking with all of them, and confirming that none of them would hate me for going ahead with a marriage, I decided that while I would continue to fight for the rights of my friends, I would also go ahead with my own hetero marriage.
All of that said, my FH and I have just started looking at ceremony structures for the wedding, and have been advised by our celebrant that we must include this in the introduction…
"My name is … and I am a marriage celebrant, duly authorised by law to solemnise this marriage in accordance with the laws of Australia" - all good, no problem there. What I'm stuggling with is the following that must be included, from the Australian Marriage Act of 1961:
"At this point, I must remind you both of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship you are about to enter. Marriage, as most of us understand it, is the voluntary and full commitment of a man to a woman and a woman to a man. It is made in the deepest sense, to the exclusion of all others and will be entered into with the desire, the hope and the firm intention that it will last"
My problem is that neither FH nor I believe that marriage should be exclusively between a man and a woman. While that's currently what the law states, I don't support it and don't want our ceremony to have any mention of it. We are having an entirely civil ceremony, and we want it to support and reflect our views.
The Aussie brides gave great advice on ways to get around this — suggesting having a separate, private legal ceremony and then getting "weddinged." The latter is not an option for my FH, out of respect for his family, and I'll support that. So, thanks to another Aussie bride's suggestion, we'll be changing the wording instead:
"Marriage, according to law in Australia, is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life. THIS marriage, as most of us understand it, is the voluntary and full commitment of a man and a woman."
Has anyone else included anything similar into your ceremony to recognize the goal of marriage equality? Did you keep it subtle for more traditional family/friends?
About Sarah
Sarah works in the travel industry, and lives in Brisbane, Australia with the man of her dreams in and their adorable cat. Sarah and her FH are having a Sunday afternoon wedding, in a local forest/wildlife centre (surrounded by wallabies, wombats and paddymelons, oh my!).
Carmen said
I am getting married in August and I have lesbian moms. I live in the United States in Wisconsin where recently our state constitution was amended to include specific wording about marriage being only between a man and a woman. My parents have been together for 30 years, longer than most of the marriages of my friends and other family members, so the thought of having my own wedding without acknowledging that my parents are excluded from marriage in my state concerned me. While we are not required by law to include specific language about marriage, (we are also having a civil ceremony officiated by a judge), I have decided to include a reading from the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision allowing same-sex marriage. I lifted the idea from Dan Savage who attended a wedding where the piece was read. It simply states that "civil marriage is a vital social institution and to deny anyone the right to marry is limiting their human experience." My FH's parents are very religious/conservative and may very well be angered by our choice to use our marriage ceremony to make a political statement. But I could not live with myself if I stood in front of my mothers and did not acknowledge that their rights as humans in our community is limited. And isn't one of the 10 commandments to honor thy mother (s)?
Anna said
I cannot remember from where I "found this text, but we are using it in our straight wedding, "have also asked that we take a moment
To honor those loved ones who are not with us today
[Names of those acknowledged here]
And as we remember those who are not with us,
We also recognize those
Who are still denied the civil right of wedded union
And forbidden the social and legal benefits of marriage
We have come a long way toward treating all men and women as equals,
And yet, we acknowledge that we have farther still to go
And more we can do to respect the choice to love, and be loved
As you look out over the mountains,
Please take a moment of silence for those we have recognized.
[Moment of silence]
It's from one of the other blog divas from a post with links regarding writing your own vows. I don't think that person would mind our using it too, as they obviously believe the same as we do.
Jules said
That's from Mrs. Cherry Pie at Wedding Bee. I remember reading it in her recap posts and thinking it was a nice way of putting it.
J-Le said
that's awesome. i'm a lesbian and i would love to hear that at a friend's wedding.
Helena said
That is a great idea to put into the wedding. we are starting to choose our celebrant and i think i will ask if i can have them say soemthing similar to that.
Lindsay said
Thank you! Ever since I got engaged I have felt guilty about getting married while so many of my friends are denied that right. I'll feel a lot better by including a passage about how I feel and I really like the phrasing you have for taking a moment to recognize them.
katem said
good luck Sarah, I hope your celebrant is willing to change it. My understanding (from our celebrant) is that if they get checked up on, they can get removed from the list of celebrants if they change the wording. I really hope your celebrant can help you get around it.
I found myself accidentally pulling faces during the ceremony when that part was read. oops!
Sara said
Ugh. If that paragraph has to be in there by law, maybe change it how you propose, then follow it with a sentence like, 'And further, [Bride] and [Groom] have the sincerest hope and belief that the law will someday be changed to recognize that marriage is and should be a voluntary and full commitment of two people who love each other, regardless of gender." Snap. Would be awesome.
Fate said
That's pretty much what we're planning to do!
Ainslee said
Thanks so much for this. I have literally copy and pasted this statement into my cermony draft! The wording is perfect.
MsBreeze said
This is almost exactly what I'm hoping to incorporate into our Australian wedding ceremony!
Jill said
My brother's gay, my husband's best friend is a lesbian, and we work in the theatre, so we had many of the same feelings.
We included a couple of shout outs: the Unitarian greeting of "whoever you are, wherever you're from, whatever you believe, and whomever you love, you are welcome here" was one of the first moments of the ceremony. We also wrote a bit in the opening prayer about love and marriage being a gift from God, and that we pray for the day when all people who love each other will be able to make the same commitment we do.
Another great option is to include a link on your wedsite to a marriage equality charity.
irisira said
"whoever you are, wherever you're from, whatever you believe, and whomever you love, you are welcome here"
I LOVE this. I may steal it, hope that's OK.
Jill said
WE stole it from Unitarian Church — feel free!
Girl_Squishy said
I'm sooooo stealing this as well – thanks so much!
Sarah TX said
Haha, our support for marriage equality was not subtle at all. In fact, I think it pissed off a couple of my partner's relatives, but I didn't really care all that much (I mean, one of my attendants was a gay man who serenaded me during the ceremony, so my support of gay marriage shouldn't have been that shocking). Our primary reading/opening remark was from the Massachusetts court ruling that affirmed that civil marriage was a civil right:
'Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition….It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a "civil right." '
Sarah Dolan said
Sarah – we've also decided to include that reading, immediately following the introduction ^_^ [from the Sarah that wrote this]
Becca said
We're including a passage from the Massachusetts Supreme Court case that legalized same sex marriage. Unlike our other readings we are having the officiate begin it with "As the Massachusetts Supreme Court said in their landmark case .." So we are not being completely explicit – unfortunate because we know we have people coming that do not support same sex marriage but we wanted to include something.
(same as what sarah said except we changed all the "civil marriage" to just "marriage."
what about:
Marriage, according to the law in Australia, is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life. While this marriage, happens to be between a man and a women, YOURNAME and PARTNERNAME believe that marriage is … (whatever you want to say here that does not refer to gender) and they sincerely hope that all loving couples will one day have the great privilege of standing in front of their friends and family to declare their love and commitment just as YOURNAME and PARTNERNAME are about to do today.
Jill*hearts*Josh said
does it have to say between a man and woman? can you say…….Marriage, as most of us understand it, is the voluntary and full commitment between two loving people….???
Hopium said
Yes, you HAVE to have the definition in the ceremony for it to be legal. In the exact words of the Act.
Sucks.
Sarah Dolan said
Yes, unfortunately that's now a requirement (we can thank our previous Prime Minister for changing the wording)
Miss Salacious D said
Is there anything mandating what YOU and/or your groom say at that time? Or someone else? Is it possible simply to have a friend/ relative read something beforehand (or ya'll during) regarding your stance? In that case, the celebrant is safe, but you are clear on your views
Hopium said
I was an aussie bride. My Maid of Honour was/is lesbian with a gorgeous girlfriend. We had the definition – had to as we wanted a legal ceremony. Then we had the celebrant say that marriage should be between two loving people regardless of race, creed , colour or gender.
We also sis a speech about our friend's milestones – ie a 41st birthday, another engagement, baby on the way and I said that I am looking forward to my best friend's legal marriage (when it is allowed to happen).
Bloody John fricken Howard – scare campaigns is what he is good at. Set us back a gazillion years.
And as I am rather politically active I make it an issue. You should hear the screaming matches with my local pollies.
Dixie said
Once again, I'm thanking my lucky stars that I come from a pretty egalitarian family background, and a religious environment that, for the most part, supports gay rights, has no discernible stance on gender roles, and historically has encouraged the writing of their own vows by bride and groom (and, these days, bride and bride, groom and groom, etc.).
My belief that marriage is between two loving people is exactly what would put my mind at ease about getting married. It's about doing what would be right for my partner and myself, in our lives, not what makes the biggest political statement to my friends. It would never occur to me to check with my friends to see if my marriage was politically OK with them because I cannot imagine that they would think that I would marry to abandon them, or rub it in their faces.
You can change an institution from the inside, too. Getting married doesn't make you a traitor.
(And I'm from Texas, which is as much about man + woman as anywhere. The practical facts are that not being legally married would put us at a disadvantage in terms of financial security, and there is still enough frowning upon cohabitation here that, as an activist, my credibility would be greater as a legal wife than as a live-in. So, no, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.)
Becca said
Thank you. I find the whole "boycott marriage" thing to be offensive and ineffective at best and offensive and exclusionary at worst. Getting married doesn't make you a traitor.
Becca said
which not to say that I don't understand those who have chosen to not get legally married. I just think that as a movement it doesn't make sense to ask people not to marry and shame them as if they therefore don't care about same-sex marriage because they choose to get married.
RaeGun said
Marriage Equality is one of a few reasons we decided against getting legally married. I understand that less than a handful couples not getting legally married won't change the minds of the majority of Ohio, but we look at it as a chance to talk to people about what we believe; if that helps one person to change their views on marriage I will be happy.
karen said
Unfortunately you can't change the wording of this at all. It is one of the few things you MUST have in the ceremony for the marriage to be legal. I don't want it in my impending ceremony either but we have no choice. My wedding is in one month, so no chance of the laws changing before then unfortunately. My best friend and his boyfriend will be in the front row there for me so I guess I had better let them know about it before hand. It really does seem very rude.
Sabrina said
That sucks that certain wording is required by law. I agree that you should add a sentence of your own views after the legal bit. How much more of your ceremony do they want to control?! Best of luck to you and much respect to your LGBTI loved ones. We would be interested to know what wording you design!
Cortney said
I saw a wedding where they had a whiteknot.org table set up- it's a marriage equality organization, and their slogan is that everyone should have the right to tie the knot, and the symbol is a white knot. The bride had a little table with a cute basket of white knot ribbons- same size as the breast cancer ribbon- that she had made, and a sign about their commitment to marriage equality and some info about the organization. Guests could wear a white knot if they wanted to.
Nikki C said
The Whiteknot.org table is exactly what my FH and I are doing. We both believe in marriage equality and wanted to find a subtle way to include it in our wedding as his father is extremely religious and conservative. We think this will be a good way to acknowledge injustice while not offending those like his father. Those who want to participate can do so, and those who don't want to participate aren't required, but they will absolutely know where we stand on the issue.
Sarah said
I'm an australian also. I was talking to partner about this the other night – I have seen recent posts about hetrosexual couples who have decided against having their marriage legalised because of the state of our outdated un-humanistic laws. I'm pro GLBT rights to marriage, and like the rest of you, there is a large part of me that feels saddened by the fact that this wording is compulsary. My mother spent a large part of my teenage years (post her divorce), in a loving relationship with another woman. We were brought up to beleive in equality, and openmindedness. My husband to be was completly against the idea of of an unlegalised marriage – although he appreciated the sentiment, we wants our marriage to be recognised in the eyes of the law – and fair enough. But I love the idea of the extra ammendment post the 'law says you must say this' bit. I'll talk to the man about it tonight. Please let us know how this works out for you!
jaycee said
Courtney: We're doing the white knot thing too! I'm glad other people are doing it. It's a great symbol.
We've struggled a lot with this too (we're getting married in Virginia, where the laws are extremely strict about who can marry you, but less so about what they have to say). We're having our best friend do the ceremony, and because my mom announced that she would have a meltdown if we went to the courthouse, we decided to hire a JOP to come to the wedding and co-officiate with my friend. Well, when she (the JOP) heard about our support for marriage equality, she flipped out and told us she's not comfortable with that. So, fired, obviously. It all worked out okay, though, as we're going to have a COMPLETELY AWESOME officiant come do a private ceremony for just our families in the morning. That will be legal, and both ceremonies will be pro-equality.
Almostabride said
We're getting married in two weeks, in oz, with my gay 'bridesman' by my side. I was so upset when I found out that there really was no getting around this law. We asked our celebrant to say a little something regarding our feelings: 'the couple hope that in the future' etc. That celebrant refused point blank so I got very upset and fired her (long story). HOWEVER. A little bit of looking and we found a lovely guy who said that as long as df, I and our witnesses hear the monitum, it's legal. So he'll wait till we're over at the signing table, turn off his mic, and say'by the way…'.
I feel souch better about this now. Df was as stubborn about having the day and the legal wedding be one and the same, as I was about not having these disgusting politics involved. Crisis averted.
Caitlin said
I have to say after reading thru the issue and all the replies, I think that this is the absolute best compromise. No one else is going to hear it except for you and your (two?) witnesses, and it's like the little disclaimer at the end of the medication commercials that no one pays any attention to. Sounds like you found a great officiant for the job.
willa zheng said
I'm a marriage celebrant and the monitum must be said before the vows are exchanged, not afterwards at the signing table.
Corinne said
Thank you so much for responding to my concerns about the boxes and posting a fantastic discussion of gender fluidity and self-identification.
Kristen said
I too have been absolutely disgusted by the laws of my country and in particular, the fact that this statement must be included in my legal wedding ceremony. I am getting married to a man but my previous, 4-year relationship was with a woman and I still identify as a queer woman. I would say that 70% of the friends who I would wish to invite to a wedding are queer and to have this statement read aloud in front of them makes me feel embarrased and sick. Hence my refusal to be married in a country where not only do they not recognise queer marriages but they must include a statement about it in a ceremony that should be about me and my partner and not the stupid laws that govern us. My partner and I have chosen to get married in British Columbia where we met and lived prior to coming back to Oz and where the laws are inclusive of all people.
RainbowConnection said
I say have the bride/groom/bridal party hold up large print cue cards during the ceremony. Something like, when that line comes up "WE UNDERSTAND IT AS LOVE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE" displayed across several different signs, in big bold rainbow font. Words are said, legal and all… but the message gets across.
Becca said
omg! i LOVE this! Love it. It's so subversive … and would make for GREAT pictures. You should sent it to an organization fighting for marriage equality and let them use it!
Dina E. said
I love this!
Or encourage heckling in the program… ;D
Sarah Dolan said
Thanks for posting this – it gives me a big surge of pride to know that my post might help other people ^_^ hooray OBB!
@EvilCaz78 said
I'm Australian too – from Melbourne. I heard of a wedding ceremony where the celebrant prefaced the required wording with an announceme to the congregation that the bride and groom disagreed with the sentiments wholeheartedly. Apparently there was great applause. Might be worth asking around at a local community based radio station or community house for a reccomendation. Johnny VonGoes, a Triple R announcer is supposed to be a very good alternative marriage celebrant!
J-Le said
i've been to a wedding that JVG celebrated and he was GREAT!
Elissa said
I'm an Aussie too, from Tasmania. Our celebrant said this legal part:
Marriage, according the law of Australia, is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, and is intended to last for life.
Then she (happily) read this, which we wrote for her:
Unfortunately the gender specificity of this law denies many couples the right to choose marriage. Elissa and Leigh are lucky in being able to make this choice and believe it should be available to all couples.
At which point our guests clapped and cheered in support of that sentiment.
Lydia said
thank you for these posts!
I'm a melbourne bride and I keep redrafting my ceremony and coming across this line and wincing and feeling disgusting about our country for its lack of equal rights for GLBT australians.
Thank you for the tips!!
rainy_day said
oo! Could you say "this marriage" and then add a statement about your support of same sex marriage?