Is it too presumptive to tell my bridesmaids that I don't want a bachelorette party OR a bridal shower? All of my bridesmaids live out of my state and I've been with my fiance for 7 years, and just don't feel the need to collect any more lingerie or eat a penis cake. Is it alright for me to just propose to my bridesmaids exactly what I want — us to get together on the morning of the wedding for coffee and to have a morning of beauty: hair, makeup, and manicures. -Courtney
Shanah and her badass bridesmaids at her 2008 gothabilly wedding.
This is something I cover in my book — really, when it comes to wedding parties, it's just about making sure your priorities are matched and your expectations are clear. You can send a quick message saying, "I don't know what you guys have experienced with bridesmaiding, but I want things to be fun and easy — no shower necessary! I've got no need for a penis cake bachelorette party! Really, all I want is for the group of us to gather the morning of the wedding for some pampering and loving ladytime."
Thanks to Short.Girl for submitting this gorgeous shot of the Stasko-Sgambellone wedding to the Offbeat Bride photo pool.
Really, if you're careful about how you say it, the sky's the limit for wedding party activities. I talked to one couple who went spelunking instead of having a wedding shower. There are others who've had bachelorette parties revolve around shopping flea markets for vintage supplies for the wedding. The key is just making sure your wedding party is on the same page as you — which is as easy as a respectful conversation early-on in the engagement to let them know you love them, you're so excited to have them involved, and really: no penis cake necessary.
For more about offbeat wedding parties and bridesmaids, check out these links:
- Offbeat bridesmaid advice
- Archive of Bridesmaids posts on Offbeat Bride
- Archive of Wedding party posts on Offbeat Bride
Comments on "How to make things easy for your bridesmaids — no penis cake necessary"
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Katherine In Bali
December 17th, 2009 · 8:20 PM · #
Crimeny, Courtney, you're a genius!
I can't possibly think of anything more fun than the time-honored (and today's tragically-neglected) female bonding ritual of the gathering of girlfriends in the "Beauty Shop". That is SUCH a great idea!
And if the bride has the nerves of cold steel (and I mean that in the most admiring way) required to ENJOY such a gathering on the day of the wedding, I say let the bachelorette bashes all be moved, permanently, as of this century or what we have left of it- which is considerable- to the BEAUTY PARLOR!
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Sara
December 17th, 2009 · 8:30 PM · #
I didn't have a bridal shower (well, I sorta had a surprise one my mom threw the night before) nor a bachelorette party because my maid of honor lived outside my city, plus was a stupid, plus I don't really enjoy stuff like that.
Anyways, she wasn't offended when I told her not to bother with those things, and we had a ton of fun just hanging out together during the time around the wedding. Have to do what fits your personality, and showers and parties don't really fit mine.
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Nikki
December 17th, 2009 · 10:07 PM · #
i agree! In fact, if the bridemaids live close enough, steer them towards having a massage/beauty shop/pampering weekend. If not, then do it the day before the wedding or the day of! A LOT more fun that eating a penis cake (no offense intended to penis cake lovers!), and you actually can – dare I say it – have a conversation!
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Julia-Gulia
December 17th, 2009 · 10:22 PM · #
Its always nice to have alternatives to a bachelorette party or bridal shower, especially if everyone lives far apart. As for my girls I couldn't keep them away from making a disturbingly realistic penis cake. I think they were secretly looking forward to that for years and I must say it was delicious (yum yum homemade buttercream icing.)
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Mariah
December 17th, 2009 · 10:23 PM · #
Amen to this post. I'm bridesmaid for two friends next year. The two brides are quite offbeat and to them both I announced right in the beginning that I'm going to be open about what we maids are planning and there will be no suprises, and that they NEED TO BE HONEST about what they think of our ideas: we are friends. We don't want to ruin their happines by forcing the brides eat the penis cake infront of the new sister-in-laws or having the couple take part in games they don't wish. The bachelorette party seems to traditionally (atleast in my country) involve plenty of things I can't stand and which would make me feel uncomfortable. A friend would never force me to do any of that just because "it's what people do". To me the bridal shower is about friendship and enjoying the happiness involved in the wedding and the planning.
Don't shy out from telling what you wish for. We all must acknowledge that not all brides are the same way. To each their kind, right? Be it traditional or offbeat!
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cscamma
December 17th, 2009 · 10:40 PM · #
This post is so fitting as I was just this am trying to explain to my MOH that although it was lovely that she wanted to do a bar tour / skinny naked man stripper show for my b-ette, my intentions were to invite everyone I know for a weekend of sin in Las Vegas instead (groom included!)
For me, I like the idea of the shower because the 2 fams get to meet and interact since they live so far apart, but the penis cake never ever needs to appear in my world.
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Daniel
December 18th, 2009 · 5:48 AM · #
Great post.. nice shot short girl!
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Clairity
December 18th, 2009 · 7:01 PM · #
Great post! I was just recently contemplating how to tell my MOH that I don't want a bachelorette party with the bar dancing and penis necklaces (straight from her B-party). Although, I like to get down at times, I live in Texas while my wedding/family/entire bridal party is in Ohio. I don't want to fly up there just for that, and I don't want to do it right before my wedding and risk the hangover. I think a girly, mani-pedi party sounds perfect. Thanks for the advice!
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Ella
December 18th, 2009 · 10:22 PM · #
My sister threw me an awesome bachelorette party. Although penis straws did make an appearance it was not really that typical. We painted pottery in the afternoon, a favourite activity of mine, and then ate our way through the night. We started with teppanyaki which was really fun and then went to the most delicious chocolate restaurant for way more chocolate then we should have eaten. We finished the evening with drinks at a patio and then home to watch Newsies and drink rootbeer floats. It was amazing. We literally did all my favourite things and how often does that happen? I felt very spoiled
All the activities were surprises but my bridesmaids know we so well it was perfect.
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soleil
December 18th, 2009 · 11:26 PM · #
in lieu of a bachelorette party, i had a slumber party with my best gals two nights before the wedding. it was awesome. we went to dinner and then had a fun evening in the hotel room my friends were staying in. it was a great bonding experience.
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Jess
December 21st, 2009 · 5:33 PM · #
I told my bridesmaids upfront that all I wanted was a nice relaxing time at home (or in the hotel room) with them, painting each other's nails, doing an at-home spa and watching bad romance movies I never get to watch when my FH is around. It's cheap and easy and relaxing, and I can even pay for it for them.
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Kell (Boo)
December 23rd, 2009 · 10:01 AM · #
I hate the traditional Hens nights with a stripper and too much booze. I went out to a nice pub with my sister, my best mate & my brother's girlfriend. 3 girls that had been around for years and would continue to do so! We had a nice meal, had some drinks (in moderation), played pool and went home when my man picked us up. It was nice, dignified (although i did have to wear the sash and have the straws) and while the photos are silly i don't have to stress about them being marriage destraying haha.
I bought all of them cute little Kimmi doll keyrings too, specially matched to their looks and personalities.
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Kell
December 23rd, 2009 · 10:03 AM · #
Whoops. Excuse my typos please!
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Veronica Matthews
December 28th, 2009 · 10:07 AM · #
Plan B's of Bachelorette parties are most welcome and I wouldnt mind having another option.
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Wedding koozies
January 12th, 2010 · 8:23 AM · #
So great post !
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elizatara
February 24th, 2010 · 6:28 PM · #
I never thought I'd be getting married..EVER so I never thought of what kind of shower or batchlorette party I wanted. I'm fairly low key so the shower I described ( and got) was just family getting together. We ate sandwiches, drank punch and had some cake. My bachelorette party will be my sisters, my cousin, our significant others hanging out, playing XBOX and partaking in silly drinking games. It's PERFECT!!
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