Comments on: How to tell family you didn't change your last name

By: Angela

Angela — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:23:44 +0000

I've been married 2 years and about 6 months. I didn't change my name (for a lot of reasons) and ended up having massive trouble with the bank and our wedding gifts made out to Mr. and Mrs. Hislast. They ended up putting "my first name, his last" as an alias for me on a new joint account…and we did have to bring the marriage certificate.
However, all these years later I still get Christmas cards from his friends and family and my friends and family alike saying Mr. and Mrs. Hislast. Just today my great aunt sent us a card with a check in it (as a gift for me). She made the check out to My First name, His Last name. The trouble is that we already took the hislast alias off the account since it's been more than 2 years and we figured we'd never have this problem again. My return address on holiday cards and thank you notes from the first, have always had both of our full names on them. I guess everyone doesn't look at return addresses, or resents the fact that I didn't change my name so much that they refuse to use the correct name!

By: MeMe

MeMe — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:55:26 +0000

I had a slight confrontation with my FIL about not changing my name. He wasn't upset that I wasn't changing, because he'd gotten some stuff monogrammed for us.

The thing that's really surprised me is the number of my husband's friends who've addressed me as Mrs. Hislast. If we're in person I correct them. But if it's on e-mail or Facebook or something, it just seems kind of weird like I'm picking a fight. I figure between word of mouth and Facebook, people will realize sooner or later that I haven't changed.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:35:49 +0000

"women's lib and all that?"

Wow – I often wonder where we'd be today if the ERA had passed. Sad.

By: Fate

Fate — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:12:38 +0000

Haha, I just had to tell my future inlaws on the weekend because they were trying out my "new name".
I just came out and said that I find it morally objectionable that I should have to change my name and lose my family history and identity.

There was a long stunned silence.. then MIL said quietly "yes well I suppose there's womens lib and all that now, isn't there?"
Hahahahaha!

By: j.f.

j.f. — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:04:19 +0000

I worked at national bank. If you did not change your name, do not assume that the teller will bend the rules to allow you to deposit a check made out to Mr & Mrs. Smith. When the check is made out to both people, both people must be present AND their IDs must match the name on the account it is being deposited into AND the names on the check. You should bring your marriage certificate with you to the bank, if you do not plan to change your name.

All that being said. I only have one friend who changed her name. Everyone else kept their maiden name. The consensus among my friends is that it's kind of old fashioned to take your husbands name.

By: Erin

Erin — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:41:03 +0000

I thought it would be no problem with my family, but it's been harder than I thought. We put it on our website, and were announced at the end of the ceremony with our full names (I added his last name as a middle name).

Immediately after the ceremony my mother greeted me as Mrs. Hisname, and then acted confused when I corrected her. "But I'm redoing my will, what should I put as your name?" "Well, probably the same name as you've always used"

My sister asked me if I was getting used to my new name, and I explained to her about the middle name, "So, how should I address mail to you? Yourname-Hisname?" "Well, probably just Myname, or if you want to use both, there's no hyphen" Several weeks later the card from her was to Mrs. Hisname, most recently it was to Mrs. Hislast-Mylast. We're getting closer.

I have to admit, there are moments I regret not changing, which surprises me. Mostly it happens when I get called Mrs. Mylast, (instead of Ms) which makes me feel a little like maybe I've married my father.

Also, can we not post comments as our Offbeat Bride Tribe profiles any more? Didn't that used to be an option?

By: tariqata

tariqata — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:35:35 +0000

Former bank employee chiming up here too: when I was a customer service manager at a Canadian retail bank we did try to be understanding of the name issue (though it *is* bending the rules), especially if there was an existing joint account. However, Canadian banks at least generally do not accept cheques payable to 2 people into single accounts unless both people are at the branch to sign with identification (and a copy of the marriage certificate if you haven't changed your name/you're still waiting for new ID).

By: robinm

robinm — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:28:29 +0000

Yes, my ex and I received a check in both of our names (First and First Lastname) and we both had to sign it – It was returned to us because only my ex signed it! I would not give this a try unless your bank specifically says it is allowed.

By: @c_leigh_taylor

@c_leigh_taylor — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:25:51 +0000

The ones that we written out to Mr. and Mrs. HisLast (we both retained our surnames), our bank had me sign it first as Christine Leigh HisLast and then underneath it Christine Leigh MyLast. We were signing it over. She said it was a common problem. I'd ask ahead though – can't hurt!

As far as telling the family – I just did it. I wasn't apologetic for it. I got positive reactions from my mother and his mother (whose was most positive), a mildly negative one from his father (who is fine with it now) and a really negative one from my father. I ended up writing my father a letter explaining why I was keeping my name (identity retention, and frankly I'm proud of my family) and he came around. I'm not sure he likes the decision, but he certainly respects the thought that I put into it, and he was impressed that I took the time to make sure he realized I wasn't doing it to bug my dear old Dad!

By: Heather English

Heather English — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:26:23 +0000

I love the idea of using the thank-you cards to announce your name change/no-change. I don't really want to have any discussions with family members about our decision to hyphenate for reasons I won't get into. I'd rather announce it later on and thank-you notes are perfect! thanks for this!