How to tell family you didn't change your last name
Friends & Family Advice
By
on October 28, 2009
29
When I get married, I am not planning on changing my name. Our families are not forward-thinking and are bound to assume I will take my future husband's last name. My family tends to give money/checks at weddings and I am concerned that they will write out checks to "Mr. and Mrs..." and we wont be able to deposit them. How do we let our families know that I'm keeping my name with out mentioning gifts on the invitation? -Ticia
Wedding invitation example from Jeters, as found in the Offbeat Bride pool.
But there's a larger issue, of course: letting your families know after the wedding that you're keeping your last name. That's got a relatively easy solution, too... thank you cards, which offer two opportunities to share the news:
- Your return address on the envelope should include both of your full names.
- Sign the cards with your full names — and you want to really drive the point home, draw a little arrow to your last name and note: Yep, I kept my last name!
Ultimately, it will likely still take your families a while to fully get it. But this will ensure that you've done your part to get the news out there.
Oh and PS: For those of you (brides, grooms, straight, gay, whoever) who are leaning towards changing your last names, I'm now partnering to offer offbeat name-changing kits.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
jessie said
We've put it on the FAQ both on our website, and will mention it in our program. These are some great solutions, too!
Sarah TX said
Yeah, the name-on-the-check thing isn't a big deal. Due to circumstances, we got checks made out to all different people, from Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast to a completely made up name that we've been telling people we're going to adopt. The bank didn't even blink an eye.
Megan said
One thing regarding checks – you can deposit them with "For deposit only" in place of a signature. My husband and I did this with a teller at the counter in case there were any questions (she was super helpful).
We're sort of not worrying about the extended family knowing I've kept my name, but our close friends and parents were told up front. The parents were a little surprised, but my friends and coworkers cheered me on!
Erin said
Be aware of you banks deposit rules! I work for a major national bank, and we no longer accept checks endorsed "for deposit only." We get newly married couples in all the time and usually if you have a joint account it's not a big deal. However, some banking centers are more strict than others. Best to go into the bank together and ask an associate the best way to go about depositing.
OffbeatAriel said
Erin speaks the truth. I can give general advice, but really talking to your bank is the best idea.
tariqata said
Former bank employee chiming up here too: when I was a customer service manager at a Canadian retail bank we did try to be understanding of the name issue (though it *is* bending the rules), especially if there was an existing joint account. However, Canadian banks at least generally do not accept cheques payable to 2 people into single accounts unless both people are at the branch to sign with identification (and a copy of the marriage certificate if you haven't changed your name/you're still waiting for new ID).
Kate said
I'm pretty sure my bank required both signatures on some (but not all!) of our checks. I wouldn't have any hesitation signing Myfirst Hislast tho – there's no intent to defraud, and it's still *you*. Your ID can only say one thing at a time. I have occasionally had checks written out to me using a name I haven't used in a couple years and i've never had a problem depositing them as long as i sign the name that's on the check. (I also get fullname and nickname variants, which is also not a problem.)
robinm said
Yes, my ex and I received a check in both of our names (First and First Lastname) and we both had to sign it – It was returned to us because only my ex signed it! I would not give this a try unless your bank specifically says it is allowed.
Sabrina said
We had our officiant announce it by saying "please join me in congratulating the newlyweds, Warren HisName and Sabrina HerName", instead of "Mr and Mrs HisName", as they sometimes do. We also had it at the end of our ceremony program. We STILL had people who didn't get it, but that's when you just gotta tell them! Good luck to you
colleen said
I also worked for a large bank and it is true that they are getting a lot more strict on check endorsements. However, as long as you bring your marriage certificate and proper ID, you shouldn't have a problem.
christine said
I didn't take my husband's name, and never discussed it with anyone until it came up. At one point, there was a tense, blustery moment with my father in law "but our last name is a fine last name!!" to which I replied "so is mine!" and that was that.
Also, I once had a discussion with a woman who ended up taking her husband's last name about five years into the marriage because she said she "felt" like her new last name, like she had grown into that identity, and I found that idea appealing, since right now I still feel like my Ms. Maiden name and not Mrs. My husband's name. So there's always the option to change it down the line as well.
Claire said
But how to tell your family you will be changing your name? My Dad is DEVASTATED (he thought he raised me as a feminist).
another Colleen said
We've put it in our contact info that we posted on our wedding website. "Once we're married, our contact information will be…" with our full names and our address. You could maybe include this in your invite (a separate little business-card insert people can hang on to?) or website. This way it's under the guise of giving your address and not just your name. People will want to know your address to send gifts!
Nicole said
I kept my last name, and some of our cheques (particularly from Kyle's family), wrote as if I had changed our name. We brought all cheques into the bank branch, and were both there as we deposited them into Kyle's bank. I never signed anything, and the bank women didn't even question it. Perhaps it's because it was going into Kyle's account and the cheques mostly had his last name. But they didn't even question the cheques that were made out to me with my maiden name! In sum, it probably depends on the bank. I was at CIBC, in Canada.
ashlie said
I've found that people are more suprised that I'm changing my name than if I were keeping myname. It's as though people expect you to be young and independent and keep your maiden name. I'm also in Canada, and when we tried to deposit the cheques to ScotiaBank, they insisted that we both sign the back. I hadn't gone through any steps to change my name yet, but your legal name is any name that you use. For example, if today I decided that my name is Ashlie Offbeat, that would be my legal name.
splatter said
As a heads up, having just gotten married myself (and not even thinking about this… oops), we got a bunch of checks that were made out to Mr. and Mrs. hislast. Our bank was very understanding – we just explained the dilemma, and they had me sign the back of the check twice – once with my real name, once with his last (he had to sign too). I know it's not ideal, but if family still sends you checks made out the wrong way, you *can* deposit them. It may just take a little more work.
RollerGirl said
I work in a Canadian financial insitution and unfortuantly its not as easy as what Ariel said in her response. A cheque made out to Partner A and Partner B must go into a bank account between those two people. The only way to sign the cheque over (or endorsing the cheque) is if you sign in front of the teller with two pieces of ID that match the name on the front. If you are not changing your name you wouldnt have the idea. We can do what splatter said but only if the account is joint by the two of you already and you bring in a copy of your marriage certificate.
the privacy laws in Canada seem to be much more strict then in the USA and because of this it can be much more complicated.
The EASIEST way is to get your guest to make the cheque out to Partner A OR Partner B — that way it can go into an account that either names are on.
I take cheques all the time that say for deposit only on the back — as far as my FI is concerned its personal perference,
Hope this helps Canadian Brides and it can be very frustrating.
Hibryd said
The "OR" part isn't just for Canada. When we went to the bank 5 months ago, checks written out to "A and B" needed both signatures and photo IDs to match. The teller said the checks could be deposited by one person ONLY if it said A *OR* B.
Kate said
Generally, explaining your rationale for this goes along with the general advice that I've seen often on this site. Be clear of what your motivation is for your decision, explain it lovingly, and ask that your loved ones respect it. If they don't, just say something like "I understand that this might be hard for you as it's not what you expected. But I hope you'll respect and accept our decision." Personally I might be inclined to say something in advance to a few key people and hope that the word will get out on it's own. Ex. tell your parents and then when Aunt Edna asks your mom what you guys want as a gift, mom can explain it to her.
One alternative…you could register through a service like myregistry.com which allows you to set up a deposit section. We asked people to give money through the registry into our Honeymoon fund and it went through Paypal into an existing account. So much easier. I think that my mom even recommended to a few family guests that would be the most appreciated gift.
We did end up getting a few Mr. & Mrs. checks and are going to have to get a morning off work to go into the bank branch together. (Our bank requires both signatures and a joint account.) Not the worst thing in the world, I guess but not super convenient either.
Latia said
I, too, work for a major national bank and the "Mr. AND Mrs." can be tricky. The rule goes as follows, if it is made to Mr. AND Mrs., it needs to be deposited into your joint account. If if is made to Mr. OR Mrs. than it can be put into either your joint account or either person's single account. The AND rule is very tricky and sometimes your local bank teller may overlook it. However, banks and their policies are becoming increasingly strict and it would be best to call your bank ahead of time, create a relationship with the lead teller (who has authority to override most things that regular tellers cannot) by introducing yourself and explaining your situation. More often than not he/she would be more than understanding of your situation. Just be prepared to bring a wedding license if you don't already know the teller.
Best way to avoid this whole ordeal is to open a small joint account for moments like this. That way either of you can deposit any of the Mr. AND Mrs. checks, and you both would have access to the funds as you like. If you choose to keep some accounts separate that is fine, just withdraw some moolah and deposit it where you'd like…
And Hey Ariel, now that we're talking about taking names or not taking names, what are suggestions as far as finances go? It's traditional that the husband and wife have all joint accounts…but what about single accounts? What about joint savings but single checking? The different options are crazy..you think you could address this?
Amber said
My hubby took my name. We were introduced as such at the end of our ceremony… and there were a few confused, faces looking around the crowd. My parents knew ahead of time and they were watching the audience for their reaction with glee. Don't worry about the checks, we had no problem depositing the one's that were made out to Mr and Mrs. His Lastname.
Heather English said
I love the idea of using the thank-you cards to announce your name change/no-change. I don't really want to have any discussions with family members about our decision to hyphenate for reasons I won't get into. I'd rather announce it later on and thank-you notes are perfect! thanks for this!
@c_leigh_taylor said
The ones that we written out to Mr. and Mrs. HisLast (we both retained our surnames), our bank had me sign it first as Christine Leigh HisLast and then underneath it Christine Leigh MyLast. We were signing it over. She said it was a common problem. I'd ask ahead though – can't hurt!
As far as telling the family – I just did it. I wasn't apologetic for it. I got positive reactions from my mother and his mother (whose was most positive), a mildly negative one from his father (who is fine with it now) and a really negative one from my father. I ended up writing my father a letter explaining why I was keeping my name (identity retention, and frankly I'm proud of my family) and he came around. I'm not sure he likes the decision, but he certainly respects the thought that I put into it, and he was impressed that I took the time to make sure he realized I wasn't doing it to bug my dear old Dad!
Erin said
I thought it would be no problem with my family, but it's been harder than I thought. We put it on our website, and were announced at the end of the ceremony with our full names (I added his last name as a middle name).
Immediately after the ceremony my mother greeted me as Mrs. Hisname, and then acted confused when I corrected her. "But I'm redoing my will, what should I put as your name?" "Well, probably the same name as you've always used"
My sister asked me if I was getting used to my new name, and I explained to her about the middle name, "So, how should I address mail to you? Yourname-Hisname?" "Well, probably just Myname, or if you want to use both, there's no hyphen" Several weeks later the card from her was to Mrs. Hisname, most recently it was to Mrs. Hislast-Mylast. We're getting closer.
I have to admit, there are moments I regret not changing, which surprises me. Mostly it happens when I get called Mrs. Mylast, (instead of Ms) which makes me feel a little like maybe I've married my father.
Also, can we not post comments as our Offbeat Bride Tribe profiles any more? Didn't that used to be an option?
j.f. said
I worked at national bank. If you did not change your name, do not assume that the teller will bend the rules to allow you to deposit a check made out to Mr & Mrs. Smith. When the check is made out to both people, both people must be present AND their IDs must match the name on the account it is being deposited into AND the names on the check. You should bring your marriage certificate with you to the bank, if you do not plan to change your name.
All that being said. I only have one friend who changed her name. Everyone else kept their maiden name. The consensus among my friends is that it's kind of old fashioned to take your husbands name.
Fate said
Haha, I just had to tell my future inlaws on the weekend because they were trying out my "new name".
I just came out and said that I find it morally objectionable that I should have to change my name and lose my family history and identity.
There was a long stunned silence.. then MIL said quietly "yes well I suppose there's womens lib and all that now, isn't there?"
Hahahahaha!
Sarah said
"women's lib and all that?"
Wow – I often wonder where we'd be today if the ERA had passed. Sad.
MeMe said
I had a slight confrontation with my FIL about not changing my name. He wasn't upset that I wasn't changing, because he'd gotten some stuff monogrammed for us.
The thing that's really surprised me is the number of my husband's friends who've addressed me as Mrs. Hislast. If we're in person I correct them. But if it's on e-mail or Facebook or something, it just seems kind of weird like I'm picking a fight. I figure between word of mouth and Facebook, people will realize sooner or later that I haven't changed.
Angela said
I've been married 2 years and about 6 months. I didn't change my name (for a lot of reasons) and ended up having massive trouble with the bank and our wedding gifts made out to Mr. and Mrs. Hislast. They ended up putting "my first name, his last" as an alias for me on a new joint account…and we did have to bring the marriage certificate.
However, all these years later I still get Christmas cards from his friends and family and my friends and family alike saying Mr. and Mrs. Hislast. Just today my great aunt sent us a card with a check in it (as a gift for me). She made the check out to My First name, His Last name. The trouble is that we already took the hislast alias off the account since it's been more than 2 years and we figured we'd never have this problem again. My return address on holiday cards and thank you notes from the first, have always had both of our full names on them. I guess everyone doesn't look at return addresses, or resents the fact that I didn't change my name so much that they refuse to use the correct name!