How to tell family you didn't change your last name
Posted by Ariel · Advice

Yeah, the name-on-the-check thing isn't a big deal. Due to circumstances, we got checks made out to all different people, from Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast to a completely made up name that we've been telling people we're going to adopt. The bank didn't even blink an eye.

Be aware of you banks deposit rules! I work for a major national bank, and we no longer accept checks endorsed "for deposit only." We get newly married couples in all the time and usually if you have a joint account it's not a big deal. However, some banking centers are more strict than others. Best to go into the bank together and ask an associate the best way to go about depositing.

Erin speaks the truth. I can give general advice, but really talking to your bank is the best idea.

I also worked for a large bank and it is true that they are getting a lot more strict on check endorsements. However, as long as you bring your marriage certificate and proper ID, you shouldn't have a problem.

But how to tell your family you will be changing your name? My Dad is DEVASTATED (he thought he raised me as a feminist).

I kept my last name, and some of our cheques (particularly from Kyle's family), wrote as if I had changed our name. We brought all cheques into the bank branch, and were both there as we deposited them into Kyle's bank. I never signed anything, and the bank women didn't even question it. Perhaps it's because it was going into Kyle's account and the cheques mostly had his last name. But they didn't even question the cheques that were made out to me with my maiden name! In sum, it probably depends on the bank. I was at CIBC, in Canada.

As a heads up, having just gotten married myself (and not even thinking about this… oops), we got a bunch of checks that were made out to Mr. and Mrs. hislast. Our bank was very understanding – we just explained the dilemma, and they had me sign the back of the check twice – once with my real name, once with his last (he had to sign too). I know it's not ideal, but if family still sends you checks made out the wrong way, you *can* deposit them. It may just take a little more work.

Generally, explaining your rationale for this goes along with the general advice that I've seen often on this site. Be clear of what your motivation is for your decision, explain it lovingly, and ask that your loved ones respect it. If they don't, just say something like "I understand that this might be hard for you as it's not what you expected. But I hope you'll respect and accept our decision." Personally I might be inclined to say something in advance to a few key people and hope that the word will get out on it's own. Ex. tell your parents and then when Aunt Edna asks your mom what you guys want as a gift, mom can explain it to her.

One alternative…you could register through a service like myregistry.com which allows you to set up a deposit section. We asked people to give money through the registry into our Honeymoon fund and it went through Paypal into an existing account. So much easier. I think that my mom even recommended to a few family guests that would be the most appreciated gift.

We did end up getting a few Mr. & Mrs. checks and are going to have to get a morning off work to go into the bank branch together. (Our bank requires both signatures and a joint account.) Not the worst thing in the world, I guess but not super convenient either.

I, too, work for a major national bank and the "Mr. AND Mrs." can be tricky. The rule goes as follows, if it is made to Mr. AND Mrs., it needs to be deposited into your joint account. If if is made to Mr. OR Mrs. than it can be put into either your joint account or either person's single account. The AND rule is very tricky and sometimes your local bank teller may overlook it. However, banks and their policies are becoming increasingly strict and it would be best to call your bank ahead of time, create a relationship with the lead teller (who has authority to override most things that regular tellers cannot) by introducing yourself and explaining your situation. More often than not he/she would be more than understanding of your situation. Just be prepared to bring a wedding license if you don't already know the teller.

Best way to avoid this whole ordeal is to open a small joint account for moments like this. That way either of you can deposit any of the Mr. AND Mrs. checks, and you both would have access to the funds as you like. If you choose to keep some accounts separate that is fine, just withdraw some moolah and deposit it where you'd like…

And Hey Ariel, now that we're talking about taking names or not taking names, what are suggestions as far as finances go? It's traditional that the husband and wife have all joint accounts…but what about single accounts? What about joint savings but single checking? The different options are crazy..you think you could address this?

I love the idea of using the thank-you cards to announce your name change/no-change. I don't really want to have any discussions with family members about our decision to hyphenate for reasons I won't get into. I'd rather announce it later on and thank-you notes are perfect! thanks for this!

Yes, my ex and I received a check in both of our names (First and First Lastname) and we both had to sign it – It was returned to us because only my ex signed it! I would not give this a try unless your bank specifically says it is allowed.

I thought it would be no problem with my family, but it's been harder than I thought. We put it on our website, and were announced at the end of the ceremony with our full names (I added his last name as a middle name).

Immediately after the ceremony my mother greeted me as Mrs. Hisname, and then acted confused when I corrected her. "But I'm redoing my will, what should I put as your name?" "Well, probably the same name as you've always used"

My sister asked me if I was getting used to my new name, and I explained to her about the middle name, "So, how should I address mail to you? Yourname-Hisname?" "Well, probably just Myname, or if you want to use both, there's no hyphen" Several weeks later the card from her was to Mrs. Hisname, most recently it was to Mrs. Hislast-Mylast. We're getting closer.

I have to admit, there are moments I regret not changing, which surprises me. Mostly it happens when I get called Mrs. Mylast, (instead of Ms) which makes me feel a little like maybe I've married my father.

Also, can we not post comments as our Offbeat Bride Tribe profiles any more? Didn't that used to be an option?

Haha, I just had to tell my future inlaws on the weekend because they were trying out my "new name".
I just came out and said that I find it morally objectionable that I should have to change my name and lose my family history and identity.

There was a long stunned silence.. then MIL said quietly "yes well I suppose there's womens lib and all that now, isn't there?"
Hahahahaha!

I had a slight confrontation with my FIL about not changing my name. He wasn't upset that I wasn't changing, because he'd gotten some stuff monogrammed for us.

The thing that's really surprised me is the number of my husband's friends who've addressed me as Mrs. Hislast. If we're in person I correct them. But if it's on e-mail or Facebook or something, it just seems kind of weird like I'm picking a fight. I figure between word of mouth and Facebook, people will realize sooner or later that I haven't changed.