Mrs vs. Ms
Advice
By
on August 05, 2009
43 Responses
I decided long ago that I'd keep my name if I got married. But ... what IS my name? I've often used the "Ms." title, and I expect to keep doing so. "Mrs." can, however, be useful. I always assumed I'd use Mrs. MyName at those times, but during this last week I've realized that in my mind the Mrs. title is inextricably linked with the husband's name. Mrs. doesn't just signal that I'm married, it tells people the name of the person I'm married to. Mrs. MyName feels self-contradictory and weird, like I'm married to myself.
Maybe I just have a problem with the title "Mrs." Do people use it when they keep their name? Are you Mrs. Stallings? (My man, when asked, said I should just use "Dr.", but that's only because he likes reminding me that I really have finished my PhD.) -Suzanne
It's not just in your mind that the Mrs. title is linked to your husband's name. Historically, the Mrs. honorific doesn't just mean "I'm married" — it means "I'm the the wife of ______."
If you're using Mrs., technically you're not even Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. If you're into etiquette, when you marry someone and take his name, your title becomes Mrs. His First HisLast or just Mrs. HisLast. By the traditional rules, it's not correct to refer to yourself as Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. It's easy to see why feminists in the '60s and '70s balked at using Mrs. — your name literally disappears when using the traditional honorific!
Sponsor:
Since Mrs. does indeed tell the world who you've married, you're right that Mrs. YourFirst YourLast suggests you've married yourself. If you're keeping your own name, you stick with Ms. YourFirst YourLast. The honorific of "Ms" intentionally doesn't indicate whether you're married or who you're married to. If I'd taken Dre's name, I could be Mrs. Fetz or Ms. Fetz. Since I kept my own name, I'm definitely Ms. Stallings ... if you're nasty.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Laura said
Once you have that PhD., you're a Dr. You're not a Ms. or a Mrs. You've earned that honorific, and there's no reason why you shouldn't use it, for any occasion.
e.g.:
Mr. and Dr. Lastname.
Mr. Lastname and Dr. Othername.
Congrats on the PhD (and the marriage, too)
Dr. Laurel :) said
Exactly. I'm proudly Dr. MyName, and my husband is Dr. HisName. We both earned our PhDs just as you did, and use our titles correctly every single day at work.
If I'd taken his, we'd be Drs. HisName, which is kind of cute but also kind of makes us sound like conjoined twins.
Chris S. said
My future betrothed partner and I are going to be PhD's (we hope!) and that was integral in my decision to keep my name… besides all of the philosophical problems with patriarchy, of course
I am with your fiance – use the Dr.! You didn't punish yourself for nothing, it's something to be proud of!
Congrats on both!
Eliza Oakes said
Thanks for posting this (as well as the video, which is playing in the background right now…)! I hadn't given the title much thought, because I really couldn't think of anyone who would use a title in addressing me. Really, what situation in life would call for a title? I guess healthcare. Medical office receptionists should probably just go with Ms. to be safe. I guess I'll find out when I get health insurance. For now, if anyone asks, I'm either "Ms. Mylastname" or "Eliza, Mrs. Jeremy." The latter comes up at the bridal showers of his extended family members, you know, for reference.
Emily Ryan said
One thing Ariel didn't mention specifically is why "Mrs" originally proceeded the last name of the man you married. It seems obvious, but I'm always surprised at how many people have never noticed that "Mrs" is simply the possessive form of "Mr" ("Mr's")…as in, "belonging to Mr. Whatever". (Sorry I don't have any source to cite here–just something I learned in a course in college that stuck in my mind!)
Kinda crazy, huh? In my case, we're both taking my last name as a second middle name, and using his as our last name for the "team" and future children reasons. I expect I will go by Ms. HisLast…although I will probably get called Mrs. by my students no matter what, since they don't seem to understand that not all adult women are married!
OffbeatShrie said
Good post! I was always a bit confused about this topic. I think I prefer going as a "Ms. HisLast" rather than a "Mrs.". Awesome! And really, who says you can't make up exactly the name you want!
Laura said
Actually, "Mrs." is an abbreviation of "mistress," not a possesive of "Mr." (which is an abbrebiation of "master")
From etymonline.com & Merriam-webster dictionary.
Cathy said
actually, "Mrs." was never "Mr's" – it was actually a shortened version of "Mistress" as, incidentally, was "Miss" (Miss was originally written as 'mis'). "Mistress" and "Mrs. " were used for married as well as unmarried women in early usage.
I think it was sometime in the 1700s that "miss" and "mistress" gained their individual meanings of married and single – in the 1790s, you can find writings basically telling people that folks are using the words incorrectly in the United States, and in Europe unmarried women were still being referred to as "Mrs" at that time. The first recorded instance (in the US, at any rate) of "Mrs." being used explicitly to refer to a woman as 'wife' (the mrs.) was in 1821.
Check out the Dictionary of American Regional English… as the title states, it's just American… but it has a well documented history for Mrs.
Sorry for the rant… I used to study linguistics!
AceBflo said
We decided to go with Mr. & Ms. HisName-MyName. We decided to combine our names, but even if I'd taken his name I would still have been a Ms. based on personal preference.
rachel said
Nice to see all the doctors here! I will hopefully shortly have my PhD, and I am definitely going to use my title! I'm also keeping my surname, since I have work attached to that name and it seems strange to change it. So we'll be Dr Me and Mr Him.
ooftastic said
i have friends who are married and both are dr. hisname (they are medical doctors, though). it's pretty cute, actually, though i do not have full details as to why she chose his name, because obviously that isn't really appropriate to ask people randomly.
i can't imagine not having my last name. i feel so a part of my family and have only brothers, the married of which are fairly conventional, so we all still have the same last name. and i'm old, i've had this name a long time. but i would love to have a team name with my partner. i kind of do (we're in a band together, so sometime we go by myfirst bandname and hisfirst bandname). but i just don't think it'll work out. we won't have kids though so that's something we don't have to worry about.
i'm a big fan of combining last names into new names (as opposed to hyphenation) but this doesn't always work out very well.
that all said, i thought the entire point of going by ms. was to eliminate the married/unmarried signifier. do even if you take your partners name, it makes sense to continue going by ms. in situations where for whatever reason you need someone to know you are married to them, you would want to use their last name anyway, even if you weren't legally named that, because otherwise there'd be no point in going by mrs.
Suzanna said
Excellent, Ariel!
Just to add my two cents: Ms. was specifically invented so that us ladies could have a title throughout life that would not connotate singledom OR married-dom (just like Mr.). Before, you only got to be Miss or Mrs.
And yes, technically speaking, you only get to use Mrs. if you take his name. Otherwise, you're indicating to people that you are actually your own mother (Mrs. MyLastName is actually your mom, if she took your dad's name).
Wow, this all sounds so old-fashioned now.
Suzanna said
Thanks! That was my question, and the answer plus people's comments have been very helpful for thinking about it. "Mrs." is officially out, and "Dr. MyName and Dr. HisName" is in. As someone said, we will be using the titles every day at work anyway.
I've got to say, this is a good week. I had a relaxing few days on our honeymoon, I got the word that my PhD is officially granted, AND Ariel answered my question on offbeatbride! Life is cool.
P.S., to the last commenter: another Suzanna? Wow!
Kate NG Sommers said
I had a hell of a time just deciding what to do with my (already long) name. I did tack on my husbands last name, but I still prefer Ms to Mrs. Here is a little ditty about my situation : http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/02/fashion/wedding…
@rnwilcox said
I admit it, I took my husband's name, but after much thought and deliberation on the matter. Our situation is unique as he is a Laird and I'm a PhD. Depending on the formality of the occasion, we're either Dr. and Mr. Wilcox (professionally); Mr. and Mrs. Wilcox (casually); or formally–Laird and Lady Wilcox.
Dr. Laurel :) said
OMG, I love this SO HARD! I hereby proclaim that those without Dr. as an option should go by Lady or preferred variant.
Marianne said
I wish we could do without titles altogether. I don't feel there's really a need for them!
@epistemophilia said
2 cents:
I have a hyphenated last name that my parents gave me. IT IS EVIL. I would not wish a hyphenated last name on anyone. Currently, I'm in a struggle with the USPS that I am not two people (Amanda P Lanyon and Amanda P LeSage), but just one (Amanda P Lanyon-LeSage). They don't believe me.
I suppose hyphenating your own name is acceptable, since you are doing it to yourself (have fun!) but I would never do it to a child. Cruel and unusual? Yes. It messes up government forms, the SATS thought my name was Aman Lanyonles, no one knows how to pronounce it (Lanyon like canyon, LeSage like The Page [we are not fancy and French]), and I have to spell it about ten times a week.
My boyfriend's last name is Ferguson, and you can bet your bippy that when we get married, Amanda Ferguson I will become.
@epistemophilia said
But I will say that I'm unsure about the whole Mrs./Ms. debate. My mom is a Ms. (my parents are married, but they both kept their last names), and it has always caused her trouble. And I'm going to be a librarian… I think "Mrs. Ferguson" sounds like a crotchety old lady telling kids to be quiet.
Can I be one of those cool librarians who says, "Just call me Amanda"?
sandra said
i'm all for you being the cool librarian. At least until you do become the crotchety old lady telling the kids to be quiet.
Kirsten said
I've always gone by "Miss Kirsten" to my young patrons (I'm a children's librarian), and while to everyone else I'm going to be Ms. Brodbeck-Kenney (or "Mrs." — I don't really care that it's technically wrong, right now being a newlywed I get a kick out of being called "Mrs.") I'm still going to be Miss Kirsten to my charges.
Kirsten said
I've always gone by "Miss Kirsten" to my young patrons (I'm a children's librarian), and while to everyone else I'm going to be Ms. Brodbeck-Kenney (or "Mrs." — I don't really care that it's technically wrong, right now being a newlywed I get a kick out of being called "Mrs.") I'm still going to be Miss Kirsten to my charges.
Sarah Beth said
Hi! Just saying, I'm keeping my last name (for now!).
I'm a teacher, and my students call me Mrs. or Miss and don't seem to know the difference anyway. For me, what's important is that they remember my last name.
I'm the only one in my family who has my last name, since it was my father's. I don't feel like I'm honoring him (he left when I was a baby), but I feel like I'm keeping what has always been mine.
Our kids will have future hubby's last name, although we have joked about combining names, i.e. "Coffer" or "Shavitz".
And, Amanda, of course you can be cool and have them call you whatever you like!
Kelly G. said
I feel like I have to add my gay little two cents to this. As the daughter of a staunch second wave feminist, I've always firmly believed that not only would i keep my own name, but that I would always be a Ms. It's how I was raised.
But recently, in going through the name deciding process with my soon to be wife, I realized that, for me, Mrs. is at once a subversive act, a political statement, and something more I can do to recognize that I have elevated the love of my life to the special place of honor and commitment – spouse. Yes, people will assume that I have a Mr., but that's easily corrected, and so should be. People have been assuming my fiance is a man since I left "girlfriend" status behind, and I'm looking forward to having a wife, to being a wife, and for us to be Mrs. OurWeirdBlendedLastName together.
Beti said
I love the irony! And a very astute observation!
Katherine said
I've been trying to convey to my fiancé why changing my name doesn't skeeve me out (we discussed the name situation at great length, and which parts of what names meant what to whom, and mutually agreed that me appending his surname and having two middle names was the way for me to go), but why being Mrs. Hisname does. I fully expect to be addressed as Ms. going forward as I have been for most of my adult life.
Though it is true that in the professional world these days Ms. really is the default, because you don't know if someone is married when you address her — and it shouldn't matter.
RebeccaS said
I have to throw in a recommendation for the man taking the woman's last name that's what my husband did. If the argument is about not wanting the kids to have a different last name or a hyphenated last name why not have the man take the woman's last name? I think that refusing to consider that possibility highlights just how much the name change business is still driven by the patriarchy. Technically probably Mrs. is not "correct" in that case and I would always go by Ms. if asked but it doesn't bother me if someone were to address me as Mrs.
Suzanna said
To the other Suzanna: RAD! Nice spelling there, lady.
To Kelly G. : YES! I love the blended-last-name-Mrs.-lesbians! Way to make the system work for you.
Personally, I dig the Mrs. Don't know if that's what I'll choose when the day comes, but, as one elderly lady I know said, when asked if she wanted to be called Jane or Mrs. Smith: "Mrs. Smith, of course! I've certainly earned it!"
Dr. HallLuba said
Professionally I will be Dr. Hall and in a familial setting like "billy's mom" kind of thing I guess I'll go by Mrs. Luba. I'm not sure if I'm going to legally change my name or not. I had always kind of assumed I would hyphenate but then we'd be HallLuba or LubaHall…..one sounds like a polka themed party and the other sounds like a skin cream…..ick
Jordan said
I am changing my last name to his, but I'm about to get my PhD and he is not. Does anyone know if there's an etiquette to the order of titles? Like, usually if you introduce a married couple with the same last name, you would normally say "Mr and Mrs Smith". If he's a Dr and she's not, it's "Dr and Mrs Smith".
What about if I'm a Dr and he's not? Do we still say "Mr and Dr Smith" or does Dr trump Mr, and we get introduced as "Dr and Mr Smith"?
This is not very important, it was just something we were wondering about in the car last night.