Is a potluck wedding tacky?
Invitation advice, Reception Advice
By
on June 09, 2009
85
I am planning on having an informal family-only wedding at my dad's church. I'm considering doing a potluck wedding but was wondering if that was tacky to ask our guest to dish something up for everyone to share in.
My fiancee is in Afghanistan and we'll only know a month in advance when we can set a date for the wedding. This makes catering (already expensive) even more of a challenge. If I where to do a potluck, how would I word it on an invitation? I run the risk of people not bringing anything!
I've read articles online and it seems most people think potlucks are tacky — even my own sister thinks it's too tacky. -Sylvia
Ok, first thing's first: Yes, a potluck wedding is tacky. Your entire wedding is tacky! So was mine. "Tacky" is a subjective word that can be applied to absolutely anything and everything, from a $500 wedding all the way to a $50,000 wedding. It's all tacky, so let that concern go.
I've featured several potluck weddings on Offbeat Bride — I especially love Kirsten's story, where she explains:
We invited our friends and family to "bring what makes them who they are" to share. We had no idea what our wedding would look like — we were not disappointed. A beautiful and delicious homemade wedding cake just APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE! Our friends sang, read stories, played music, put on improv performances, made up carnival games, and told each other's families waaaaay too much about the new in laws!
So clearly, a potluck wedding can work beautifully and be an amazing community event that celebrates two families coming together and sharing food, stories, music, and whatever else people chose to bring. I love the idea.
But the issue isn't "is a potluck wedding tacky?" and more "Are you and your fiance's families comfortable enough with the idea to participate fully?" Only you two know your families well enough to know if this is the case. Here are a few questions for you and your fiance to ask yourselves:
- Did you grow up with family & community potlucks?
- Do your family members have their signature hot dishes and potato salads and special pies that they love to trot out for community events?
- Are they foodies who like to cook and bake and share with each other ... or do they mostly eat out?
- Will you guests be traveling far, and will they have access to a kitchen to cook the day before your wedding? [thanks to OBB commenter Maggie for bringing up this point.]
The answers to these questions will be much more valuable to you in deciding whether or not to do a potluck reception than anything I (or anyone else online) could decree about whether or not the idea is tacky.
In terms of invitations, you could try something like: "After our ceremony, we will be celebrating the union of our families by hosting a potluck. Rather than a gift, please bring your favorite signature dish to share." (Note the "rather than a gift" — that's key!)
If you decide a potluck isn't the way to go for your family, I'd suggest hosting a cake & punch reception instead. This goes off the best if you have an early afternoon wedding — people simply don't expect to be fed a full meal at a 2pm reception. This is also easy to message on your invitations ... after listing your ceremony information, just note, "Cake and beverages to follow." (Here are more wording ideas.) For people who believe potlucks are tacky, cake & punch is usually seen as the "appropriate" low-budget alternative. If you just don't think your family is going to get into the idea of a potluck, cake & punch may a good option.
Mostly, remember this: your wedding is about celebrating the commitment you're making to your partner. With your fiance in Afghanistan, this hones the focus even more tightly: this isn't about having a big fancy brouhaha — it's about saying "We're so glad to be alive, so glad to be in love, and so glad you could all be here to share this with us." That's what's important. The rest is just hotdishes and cake.
[Potluck photo by Josh Bousel, used in accordance with Creative Commons licensing.]
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Jocelyn said
My close friend had a potluck wedding. In the invitation they added a card that started with "The rumors are true! It's a potluck!" The RSVP card had a space to put what you were bringing on it (if you decided to bring anything). It was a wonderful spread with lots of delicious food.
A side note- having just gotten married last year, you will be surprised at how much people want to do stuff for you and your wedding – a potluck is a great way to include everyone.
Maggie said
I have to say that it also depends if you have a lot of friends and family who will be traveling (say, more than 30 minutes to an hour) to your wedding. Our friends and families live all over the place and it would not have been practical to ask them to bring a dish to our wedding.
Ariel said
Maggie, what a great point re: people coming from afar! I'm going to update my answer to include that.
Nikki said
I think a potluck wedding is a great idea, and a fantastic way to get everyone involved! However, if you are uncomfortable with the idea, check with the various boards of your father's church. There's often a group that will make food for various functions at the church, and the cost will most likely be MUCH less than formal catering. My father's church has a "Men Who Cook" group that does GREAT food!
LeAnna said
We're going to have a potluck wedding–it was actually my fiancee's mum's idea >:) But mum & I are going to cook a "base" of foods (ham and salads and such) and then hopefully our guests will just relax and have fun and bring something delicious to share. That way no one needs to bring anything big or feel a burden, but can hopefully just relax and enjoy the community spirit we're hoping to have at our reception (think: giant family dinner). But I'm friends with a lot of foodies…
Marya said
Personally I LOVE the idea of a potluck wedding. I wish I knew someone who was having one. I think the idea of making a wedding a community event is an amazing way to bring families and friends together. I wish I had an in-law family that would go for it!
Kate said
Seconding #2 Maggie about the travel. I would have loved to go the potluck route, because (a) I am a cheapskate, and (b) there are a LOT of amazing cooks and bakers on both sides of the family, but we're getting married 420 miles north of his family and 430 miles south of mine. Not practical to have anyone bring anything.
Traci said
I think it's really important to do that gift vs. food dish trade-off. We recently photographed a pot-luck wedding where guests were asked to bring a dish as well as a gift AND a 20 minute dollar dance had been scheduled. That does come across as greedy, no matter how much you thank everyone in the toasts.
The other thing to watch with a potluck is how many guests will be present. I think if you have more than 50 guests, you should stick with cake and punch. The food is cold by the time the 150th guest makes it through (and therefore you could end up giving your guests food poisoning vs if caterers were running the show and keeping everything hot) and when you have so many guests, your last guests get the short end of the stick on the food front–with all of the "choice" dishes being emptied first.
CnC said
Good tips on how you can guide whether having a potluck is feasible.
While I would have loved to have paid for a potluck wedding, we have at least 25 out of towners and a fair number of non-cooks.
How about a picnic/luncheon wedding? Sandwiches and antipasto plates can't be that expensive to cater and would be fun and fitting for summer!
Wide Lawns said
I love potluck weddings. I've been to several and the food is almost always better than fancy catered meals that end up tasting like airplane food. Potluck weddings aren't tacky. Spending a bunch of money that you don't have is.
Shoshie said
This is probably not a consideration for Sylvia, but for any offbeat Jewish or Muslim brides, dietary restrictions should probably also be taken into account. We were thinking about doing a potluck, but decided not to in part because our friends all follow different levels of keeping kosher.
Heather said
Ditto to Maggie and Kate. I'm hoping to have something similar to what LeAnna suggested – a bigass family dinner, but I know that since my family is nearly all from the East Coast and my groom's family is from Spain, and we're having the wedding in Ontario… well, logistics will factor in.
(Though I do have my heart set on a bunch of lobsters being imported… mmmmm Nova Scotia Lobster. Gotta check when they're in season.)
Anyway, I agree that what it really comes down to is how the people involved will feel about it. Potlachs only work if everyone believes in it. If they do, there's nothing as heartwarming and full of community as sharing food. But if they don't, it's just a big headache.
West Wind said
If you decide against the potluck route, try your local grocery store deli. Even 24 hour notice is enough for most stores for orders of dollar sandwiches and salads, and the staff can sometimes even rent out warmers/dishware for free.
Hibryd said
The first rule of a budget wedding is… don't apologize for your budget wedding. Catering is expensive and a potluck can be a wonderful alternative. (That's exactly what my mom did for her reception, back when sensible weddings were more acceptable.) Besides, everyone knows you're on a tight time table and will likely be under a lot of stress with your new husband leaving – so make sure the wedding doesn't add to it.
But, if asking everyone to bring a dish becomes impractical, there are several alternatives:
1) Skip the food and do Ariel's suggestion of a punch and cake reception.
2) Costco/Sam's Club for picnic-type ingredients, then have guests assemble their own sandwiches, salads, etc.
3) BBQ, if you have access to a few grills and grill masters.
4) Get a cheaper eatery (sandwich place, Mexican joint) to do the catering, rather than a capital-C Catering company. Think "lunch" places rather than "dinner" places.
5) Pizza, because who doesn't like pizza?
courtney said
@cNc We're keeping our costs down by doing just what you suggested…having an outdoor luncheon. The caterers happen to be my friends, but it certainly is reducing their costs because they're making lighter foods and people will probably eat a little less than if it was a dinner.
My best friend's wedding was a potluck and it was really great. She asked specific people to bring dishes so that out-of-towners and people she didn't know as well wouldn't be put out. She provided the meat and beverages and it worked out really well. I had a great time and it was really stress free. Everyone changed into casual clothes for it as well, so it was just really a nice back yard party.
Maggie said
I'm not a fan of potlucks in general, because I don't trust other people's food choices. I tend to get a lot of grocery store deli and veggie platters.
We saved money at our wedding by having it very late evening so guests could get dinner before hand and only offering appetizers and desserts. I could also see doing it mid-afternoon or mid-morning and only having drinks and cake.
Rubyrooster said
Potluck weddings are simply…amazing.
People WANT to help out and I find that often what people bring/make is just as delicious as something you'd get from expensive catering. The rsvp card idea with what your bringing is an excellent way to know who is bringing what and is also a great way to thank them for their "famous corn and bean salad" that they brought. A suggestion on the rsvp card is to ask the attendee to label on the top of their food what it is.
Obviously if people are coming from far away this makes it hard for them to bring a heated dish…why not a cold dish? or a pie? or cookies??
One wedding I helped out with gathered all the pot luck items and put out the food in white serving dishes..added real white dishes and linens along with real silverware..You would have never known it was all a potluck! Another good suggestion is to premake labels with what the dish is, (you'll know this by the rsvp card, asking the person who brought it what it is, and the person who sets the food out in the pre-determined dish with the right label. Sounds complicated but it will save alot of money AND time AND look/taste amazing.
Corley said
Why not have a pot luck? When my grandmother tells stories about her wedding her happiest tales are about how her friends and family came together for her. They all brought a dish, and one neighbor supplied all of the wedding and reception flowers from her garden. I think this is the best type of wedding, everyone you know bringing something to symbolize their support of your union.
Rose said
[This post was deleted.]
Cathy said
Woah, I have to disagree with Rose both about OBB and about potluck weddings. In my opinion, Ariel isn't just a cheerleader for "anything offbeat," I recall a number of posts from her in which she said "this isn't how I would do it" or "you might want to consider…" If someone wrote to her about the wedding Rose described…I think she might have some constructive criticism (although possibly done not in the public forum of the blog).
As far as potluck, I think the other comments make clear that (unless your guests are jerks) they're not going to leave talking about "how tacky you are." I _don't_ think that potluck says "we can't be bothered," I think it says, "we want our friends/family to participate and our friends/family make great food and we don't have a lot of time or money to plan ahead of time with."
Emily O said
I think that there are two types of potluck weddings – in the first you do not have a caterer and instead have all homemade foods – like cake by grandma and salad by aunt jane – but all the organizing is done in the background in one on one conversations, if you say to your family 'I think it would be nice to have us all bring our special dishes' and they all jump in with what they'd like to make then this is pretty easy to manage. In this case even though the food is potluck style the wedding is still being hosted by the bride and groom, just with a lot of help from family/friends.
The second kind is where you state in the invitations that it's a potluck and ask every guest to bring something. I have a problem with this in that if you are going to ask someone to do you a favor an invitation is really not the place to do it. Also another name for traditional potlucks is 'a no-host party' and I feel that weddings being what they are they should definitely have a host be it the bride and groom, the brides parents, or others.
Thea said
I really have to disagreed with much that Rose (a troll on OBB?) said, but I'll focus on the potluck aspect. It's simple, if anyone would think that a potluck, a sharing of food and community, is tacky, it's time to re-evaluate their place on your guest list. There are valid reasons to chose other food choices, but potlucks can be loving expressions of friends and family.
Alison K said
We had our wedding at a bowling alley. All that was served was pizza and soda, and a little veggie tray. (Tacky!) If people wanted alcohol, they had to pay for it themselves. (Tacky!) When my fiance and I got engaged, that was our original idea. Get everyone together for a BBQ/Potluck party in the park. I don't know about you, but nearly every party I've ever been to has been a potluck. Why should a wedding be any different?
I really like Jocelyn's way of announcing it. "The rumors are true! It's a potluck!"
A wedding is just a party. As an unwritten rule, all parties are tacky. Make your wedding your own kind of tacky. It'll be one of the best days ever, no matter what.
Charming said
A potluck was my mom's first idea, but I wasn't up to it. We are having all aspects of our celebration in a park, so no power, no sinks, etc. Plus, FH and I are vegan/vegetarian, and I wanted the food to reflect our life style. In the end, we are having a cater company do boxed lunches for an earlier in the day event. In one month, I'll ket you know how it went
alison said
I think its an awesome idea… IF you can pull it off.
Plus, you have a great excuse