Goth wedding etiquette, by Jillian Venters
Advice
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on June 16, 2009
61 Responses
Allow me to introduce Jillian Venters, also known as The Lady of the Manners.
Jillian is the pre-eminent expert on goth etiquette. She runs gothic-charm-school.com and is the author of the book Gothic Charm School: An Essential Guide for Goths and Those Who Love Them.
Today she joins us with a guest post with etiquette tips for goths who've been invited to weddings both gothy and more white-dress-frothy … but her book includes a whole section dedicated to goth wedding etiquette for both guests and hosts.
If you're planning a gothic wedding of your own, Offbeat Bride and Gothic Charm School have teamed up to to give away both a signed copy of Jillina's book AND a print of the custom "gothy wedding" artwork that's in the book. Details at the end of the post!
Goth Wedding Tips, by Jillian Venters
October is always filled with gothy (and even non-gothy) couples getting married. And before any of you start making off-hand remarks about what a cliché it is, goths getting married on Halloween, hee hee hee, oh how spooky; firstly, that's the Lady of the Manners' own wedding anniversary you're chortling at there, and secondly, it's no more of a cliché than other couples getting married in June (Midsummer anyone?). It really isn't — in fact; there isn't any month that doesn't have some sort of cliché stigma for weddings. The Lady of the Manners is going to stop herself before she wanders down that tangent much further, and get back to the topic at hand. Yes, there are weddings in October. Gothy and non-gothy themed weddings, each of which has its own set of unique etiquette concerns.
Attending a non-goth wedding
Oh, look — your oh-so-spooky self has been invited to a wedding! By a couple that aren't gothy in the slightest, but are still your friends. Of course you're going to attend, but there are just a few things you need to keep in mind:
- Sure, you can wear black, but this is not the time to wear the PVC trousers or dress. Velvet, silk, a well-cut suit — anything that shows you put a little thought into how you looked, but doesn't sartorially scream "Hey! I'm a freak!" You also should avoid layers and layers of swirly eyeliner, overtly white face makeup, or black lipstick. Anything that's just a teensy bit too dressy or gothic to wear to a job interview would be your best bet.
- Relatives of the bride and groom will ALWAYS come over to talk to you about how unusually you're dressed. Even if you think you aren't. Expect it to happen, and have some friendly and polite responses ready. That way, when great-grandma Smithers comes over to you and, in the tones of someone relaying an important secret, comments, "You're wearing black," you don't stand there blinking in surprised irritation.
- For that matter, just be prepared to make polite chitchat with the other guests. You were invited because the couple wanted you there, so behave yourself out of respect for them. Don't bring up controversial subjects, don't get drunk because you're "so bored with these people," and don't think because you're the "token freak," that you need to act outrageously.
Attending a goth wedding
But wait! Morticia and Gomez are getting married, and you've been invited! No problem, it'll be just like a private party! Well, yes, kind of. Most wedding invites state a dress code: formal, black tie, dressy casual (which the Lady of the Manners feels is wussing out — make the guests dress up!), costumes, and so on. If the invitation isn't clear, then ASK the bride or groom. Who knows, maybe they'll answer "Oh, we were hoping you'd wear that one outfit of yours that…" and all your problems will be solved.
Now, even at super-gothy weddings, there will most likely be relatives who, while they love "the kids" and are happy to be attending the wedding, still don't quite get this whole black-clad, everyday-is-Halloween lifestyle. Don't tease them. Don't make fun of them, don't say things just to wind them up, and DO NOT ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Answer any questions they may ask you in (again) a polite and friendly manner, EVEN if they are questions or comments you've heard a billion times: "Are you a witch?" "So, you think you're a vampire?" "Your hair is purple." "Is that your natural color?" "Do you dress like this all the time?" Do not roll your eyes or be condescending, even if you HAVE heard it all before; the people asking you HAVEN'T, and they genuinely want to know. If they start asking you questions such as "But why is she getting married in a red velvet dress?" or "Why are there bats on everything?" then tactfully suggest they go ask the bride and groom.
Planning a goth wedding
What if you are the bride or groom, planning your Addams Family spooktacular wedding? It's Your Special Day darn it, and you should be allowed to do whatever makes you happy, right? Welllllll . . . within reason. Are you paying for everything involved with the wedding by yourself? If so, you're free to indulge every little black-glitter-embellished whim you can afford. If there are family members helping with the costs, thank them profusely, pay even MORE attention to the budget, and DO NOT try to wheedle more money out of them so you can do something even more elaborate.
Another thing to keep in mind is that while your respective immediate families may be used to your gothiness and won't even raise an eyebrow when you select a skeletal bridal couple as a wedding cake topper, you still may have to have The Conversation with them. The Conversation might cover subjects such as "Yes, we do think purple, black, and white are appropriate colors for our wedding," "No, we aren't going to ask Wednesday to dye her hair a 'natural' color for the wedding," "No, Grandma doesn't have to wear all black" . . . You get the idea. No matter how accepting your families are about the way you live your life, most parents (and grandparents, aunts and uncles) have been secretly clinging to the idea that you will have a "normal" wedding — in a church, the bride in white, everything straight out of a wedding magazine. You have to let them down gently about this idea without upsetting them. If you're lucky, the family members in question will jokingly refer to their cherished little hopes themselves, with a comment that they always knew you'd do things in your own unique way.
Ultimately, weddings should be about two people making a commitment to one another and celebrating that commitment with their loved ones. A big elaborate dress, a huge reception, eight velvet-clad bridesmaids — those are perks, and fun ones at that, but they aren't the important thing. If you (as someone planning the wedding or just attending) can keep that firmly in mind, everything should go smoothly.
To get more of Jillian's impeccable goth etiquette wisdom, snag a copy of her book, Gothic Charm School: An Essential Guide for Goths and Those Who Love Them.
If you'd like to enter to win a free signed copy of the book, complete with a print of the gothic wedding art printed included in the chapter dedicated to goth wedding etiquette, simply leave a comment on this post! (If you're commenting as a guest, be sure to use your real email address so that we can contact you if you win.)
We'll be randomly picking a winner in one week, on June 22nd.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Holly said
Toss my name in for the book please, because this is a GREAT post! I have trouble getting my family on board with my ideas for my wedding (no I will not wear all white, yes my hair will be neon orange, and I'm 4'11" so yes I will wear insane black knee-high platform boots under my gown thank-you-very-much).
Carolin said
*throws her lace-trimmed funeral hat into the ring for the book*
I think some relatives that are hoping for a big white church wedding might be swayed by the idea of big gothic victorian wedding – all the ingredients are the same – gorgeous gown, lots of flowers (black and red roses?), pointy arches, pretty music (organ music is just SO gothy
) and one of those cakes that looks more like architecture than baking – it's mainly a change of colour-scheme.
I myself want to get married in this lovely summerhouse woven out of living willow and done up as a temporary Pagan temple, but churches, especially Victorian one if you are in the US, and then Medieval and Victorian ones if you're in Europe, can be gloriously Gothic in the original sense of the word.
CrazyCatCouple said
This is great! Living in a small, rural town means there's no counterculture–i AM the counterculture. It's nice to see someone encouraging open dialogue about life choices.
Tzitzika said
I had kind of purged all thoughts of a gothic wedding from my mind, considering the less-than-offbeat nature of our families, but after reading this, I'm starting to reconsider. This was a fabulous post, and I'd love to read more from Jillian (be it through her site or her book)!
Veronica said
Yes, Jilli's posts are often insightful and fun. I'm also glad that this site was pointed out to me as I'm planning a wedding myself. And it would be cool to get a free copy of Jilli's book.
Chloe Brownlee-Chapman said
I'm loving the post, i love 'The Conversation' and answering questions, all you have to do then is answer the question in advance so you can answer coherently! The book looks great, i'll have to start planning my next wedding to my beloved. One beloved may be enough but one wedding is just not going to suffice….. good job he agree's! x
jillilicious said
This was a wonderful post! I will definitely be looking in to Jillian's site more! Thanks to OBB for introducing me!
And gotta give love to the other Jillians out there
Suzanna said
This. Is. Awesome. Such a good reminder, for all of us who look/act a little different!
I'm embarassed to admit that I was once really snotty and put-out by questions about my appearance (colorful hair, tattoos, brands…). It took me a long time to figure out that you'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
Jennifer Hoover said
WOW!! how awesome to see all this information!! I would personally love to have a tim burton or steampunk-styled gothic wedding. my parens are more than open minded about the whole idea (have been since I was 17) esp. since they got married in vegas at the age of 18 when my mom was preggers th my oldest brother. my boyfriend, on the other hand, would love to do that, but is intimadated by his family. Oh well, I guess time will tell on that mark. *wink*
Georgia said
So very very true. At least nobody was really surprised when I chose a red Victorian dress, though my mother kept complaining that it was becoming too 'theatrical'. Umm… it's a WEDDING.
I'd love a copy of the book
Burnsbothends said
OOO I've been following the Lady of the Manners for YEARS! This is a wonderful contest and I hope that whoever gets the prize *coughcoughmecoughcough* enjoys it!
Alisha said
Great post – seriously! One of my friends is at the beginning stages of her wedding planning. She asked for my help if I would give it and I'm all kinds of excited but definitely got nervous! I like the whole goth thing – but I must admit – I'm not in the least bit gothy … as much as I'd like to pretend I'd look good in all black and stuff … not so much. I err more on the punk side. This post eased my mind a little bit – I don't think it will be too bad/hard to explain/daunting as it seemed at first.
Thanks!
Hinakuu said
these ettiquette suggestions are great
DtotheQ said
I love the idea of "The Conversation", actually actively bringing it to them when they don't bring it too you. I know with the other half's family I hide my head and hope they will disapear (while not gothy, I am also not the good catholic girl they want, lack of church wedding is about to be a giant issue), and I know that just isn't happening, they just aren't going to disapear. But it also ins't fair on them to discover just what I have planned on the day, shocks cause heart attacks after all.
G1tana said
I have straddled the goth/punk/burner aesthetics for years, and even though I've had to clean up for the corporate world, I still only wear stripy knee socks on my feet!! These recommendations are spot-on for ANYONE who lives outside the box. I'm queer, and can see "the conversation" happening with my ultra conservative catholic family when I bring up my civil union.
devildoll13 said
this was great…. and i just watched her vids….. jillian, you're my new spooky heroine!!
sign me up for the contest, please!
Lily said
Add another to the pile.
I've been looking for some goth ideas for my wedding.
Melissa said
Love this post & advice! I'd love to have this book. I will probably get it even if I don't win it.
Our Halloween wedding isn't a shock to anyone in our families. Neither is my black dress, although my conventional sister DETESTS the style it's going to be (but that means IT ROCKS). I have already had THE CONVERSATION with my stepfather about 9402830 times. He's still convinced I want him in black head to toe and nail polish and the works. :shrugs: You'd think "just a plain black suit, that's all" would do the trick. And I've had a lot of "Do I need to wear a costume?" questions from random family. It makes me laugh, honestly.
Jen Cywinski said
What a great post! I'm all about the politeness factor. I'm not goth, I'm formerly punk, but still different enough from the rest of my family members that I am sure my ideas for my wedding one day will be met with, "are you suuuure you want to do that?", "but that's not what is done!" I'm all for a challenge.
anywho, I'd love to enter the running for the book
Rozi said
I love her website, absolutely spot on. I love goth weddings to.
Although I'm not really planning a full on goth wedding myself (I'm a casual geeky-goth), I doubt my parents or my in-laws would object, since my parents are pretty laid back (their wedding was hardly conventional – my mum wore a purple suit!) and my mother in law is a collosal hippy, so she's hardly going to have a go about me not wanting a 'proper' wedding either!
Kristen said
Luckily I have my sister getting married this year with a very traditional white dress, church ceremony and hotel reception. I keep telling her and my parents that I can get away with whatever I want. My father has agreed that he would give me some money with no strings attached, but I'm sure my mother would have something to say about that. Oh well. That's if I can get my boy to finally realize that marriage isn't so bad.
Bittenby said
Haha I love it! I wore my black PVC vinyl gown for our engagement photos and when we show them to people I get the raised eyebrows and the "so are these really your engagement photos?" It just makes me giggle.
Steff said
Oooh, I remember "the conversation". Several "the conversations", in fact. But in the end everyone had so much fun and the whole wedding turned out perfect!
I'm such a big fan of your site, Jillian. I'll definitely pick up a copy of your book, whatever the outcome of the competition!
Danielle said
Thanks for a great post!
We're having a Halloween wedding in New Orleans in a Voodoo ceremony …with the dress code being "Hallows Eve Chic" (no whites or pastels, please). We kept the guest list extremely small so we could do exactly what we want without all sorts of questions and such from extended family that doesn't really know us and certainly wouldn't get it. We not goths at all – I'm just a little bit "alt" – so our wedding idea still took his parents by surprise. Luckily they've been very supportive and seem to have just resigned to getting into the spirit of things and having fun with the oddity.
I'd love a chance to win a copy of that book! It looks fantastic.
Favors Balance said
If it's not too late, enter me to win this book!
I thought the post was wonderful and very diplomatic. I'm not a goth myself, but I do appreciate the aesthetic (went through a phase when I was younger where I showed off my inner goth). My one gripe is when anyone – goth or not – seems angry all the time! I completely agree with the The Lady of the Manners – rock the purple hair and black lipstick, and if someone asks about them, they're probably truly curious! If you think about, people want to know where you got that great blue dress or those orange heels, or what your tattoos mean. Curiosity is not necessarily disdain.