Allow me to introduce Jillian Venters, also known as The Lady of the Manners.
Jillian is the pre-eminent expert on goth etiquette. She runs gothic-charm-school.com and is the author of the book Gothic Charm School: An Essential Guide for Goths and Those Who Love Them.
Today she joins us with a guest post with etiquette tips for goths who've been invited to weddings both gothy and more white-dress-frothy … but her book includes a whole section dedicated to goth wedding etiquette for both guests and hosts.
If you're planning a gothic wedding of your own, Offbeat Bride and Gothic Charm School have teamed up to to give away both a signed copy of Jillina's book AND a print of the custom "gothy wedding" artwork that's in the book. Details at the end of the post!
Goth Wedding Tips, by Jillian Venters
October is always filled with gothy (and even non-gothy) couples getting married. And before any of you start making off-hand remarks about what a cliché it is, goths getting married on Halloween, hee hee hee, oh how spooky; firstly, that's the Lady of the Manners' own wedding anniversary you're chortling at there, and secondly, it's no more of a cliché than other couples getting married in June (Midsummer anyone?). It really isn't — in fact; there isn't any month that doesn't have some sort of cliché stigma for weddings. The Lady of the Manners is going to stop herself before she wanders down that tangent much further, and get back to the topic at hand. Yes, there are weddings in October. Gothy and non-gothy themed weddings, each of which has its own set of unique etiquette concerns.
Attending a non-goth wedding
Oh, look — your oh-so-spooky self has been invited to a wedding! By a couple that aren't gothy in the slightest, but are still your friends. Of course you're going to attend, but there are just a few things you need to keep in mind:
- Sure, you can wear black, but this is not the time to wear the PVC trousers or dress. Velvet, silk, a well-cut suit — anything that shows you put a little thought into how you looked, but doesn't sartorially scream "Hey! I'm a freak!" You also should avoid layers and layers of swirly eyeliner, overtly white face makeup, or black lipstick. Anything that's just a teensy bit too dressy or gothic to wear to a job interview would be your best bet.
- Relatives of the bride and groom will ALWAYS come over to talk to you about how unusually you're dressed. Even if you think you aren't. Expect it to happen, and have some friendly and polite responses ready. That way, when great-grandma Smithers comes over to you and, in the tones of someone relaying an important secret, comments, "You're wearing black," you don't stand there blinking in surprised irritation.
- For that matter, just be prepared to make polite chitchat with the other guests. You were invited because the couple wanted you there, so behave yourself out of respect for them. Don't bring up controversial subjects, don't get drunk because you're "so bored with these people," and don't think because you're the "token freak," that you need to act outrageously.
Attending a goth wedding
But wait! Morticia and Gomez are getting married, and you've been invited! No problem, it'll be just like a private party! Well, yes, kind of. Most wedding invites state a dress code: formal, black tie, dressy casual (which the Lady of the Manners feels is wussing out — make the guests dress up!), costumes, and so on. If the invitation isn't clear, then ASK the bride or groom. Who knows, maybe they'll answer "Oh, we were hoping you'd wear that one outfit of yours that…" and all your problems will be solved.
Now, even at super-gothy weddings, there will most likely be relatives who, while they love "the kids" and are happy to be attending the wedding, still don't quite get this whole black-clad, everyday-is-Halloween lifestyle. Don't tease them. Don't make fun of them, don't say things just to wind them up, and DO NOT ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Answer any questions they may ask you in (again) a polite and friendly manner, EVEN if they are questions or comments you've heard a billion times: "Are you a witch?" "So, you think you're a vampire?" "Your hair is purple." "Is that your natural color?" "Do you dress like this all the time?" Do not roll your eyes or be condescending, even if you HAVE heard it all before; the people asking you HAVEN'T, and they genuinely want to know. If they start asking you questions such as "But why is she getting married in a red velvet dress?" or "Why are there bats on everything?" then tactfully suggest they go ask the bride and groom.
Planning a goth wedding
What if you are the bride or groom, planning your Addams Family spooktacular wedding? It's Your Special Day darn it, and you should be allowed to do whatever makes you happy, right? Welllllll . . . within reason. Are you paying for everything involved with the wedding by yourself? If so, you're free to indulge every little black-glitter-embellished whim you can afford. If there are family members helping with the costs, thank them profusely, pay even MORE attention to the budget, and DO NOT try to wheedle more money out of them so you can do something even more elaborate.
Another thing to keep in mind is that while your respective immediate families may be used to your gothiness and won't even raise an eyebrow when you select a skeletal bridal couple as a wedding cake topper, you still may have to have The Conversation with them. The Conversation might cover subjects such as "Yes, we do think purple, black, and white are appropriate colors for our wedding," "No, we aren't going to ask Wednesday to dye her hair a 'natural' color for the wedding," "No, Grandma doesn't have to wear all black" . . . You get the idea. No matter how accepting your families are about the way you live your life, most parents (and grandparents, aunts and uncles) have been secretly clinging to the idea that you will have a "normal" wedding — in a church, the bride in white, everything straight out of a wedding magazine. You have to let them down gently about this idea without upsetting them. If you're lucky, the family members in question will jokingly refer to their cherished little hopes themselves, with a comment that they always knew you'd do things in your own unique way.
Ultimately, weddings should be about two people making a commitment to one another and celebrating that commitment with their loved ones. A big elaborate dress, a huge reception, eight velvet-clad bridesmaids — those are perks, and fun ones at that, but they aren't the important thing. If you (as someone planning the wedding or just attending) can keep that firmly in mind, everything should go smoothly.
To get more of Jillian's impeccable goth etiquette wisdom, snag a copy of her book, Gothic Charm School: An Essential Guide for Goths and Those Who Love Them.
If you'd like to enter to win a free signed copy of the book, complete with a print of the gothic wedding art printed included in the chapter dedicated to goth wedding etiquette, simply leave a comment on this post! (If you're commenting as a guest, be sure to use your real email address so that we can contact you if you win.)
We'll be randomly picking a winner in one week, on June 22nd.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
shannon said
I love this! Such good suggestions for mingling with diverse crowds of *any* sort. I'm pagan (and have had many an unnatural hair color) and have answered many many many of the questions recapped here. Politeness really does make a difference.
Claire said
Goth Weddings Rock! I would love nothing more than to wear black and purple and have my bridesmaids in black velvet gowns! My mothers reaction?….. ''I thought you'd grown out of that freakiness'' Looks like 'The Conversation' will have to be had. Thanks for a great post!
Pamela said
I'm having a gothy Halloween wedding! My parents have been great…his aren't quite as understanding, unfortunately.
Sarah said
I've love to enter~! And yes, Goth weddings do rock. ;D
Rosemary said
I'd like to enter. The book sounds really cool.
Kassy said
Although I don't do the goth thing so much any more, I'm still in love with the idea of Halloween weddings. This sounds like a fantastic book.
Jessica Brewbaker said
This post is so thoughtfully well written. These are things that every person in every role can take from and use.
I would be delighted to be in the running for the book.
Allison said
We are also having our own darkly inclined Halloween wedding !
So far we have had nothing but positive response from our families which has surprised us completely.
They might just be glad we are finally making it legal after 5 yrs of living together though…LOL
Rachel Brinkerhoff said
This is super helpful. We're not exactly goth (more metal and punk than anything), but we're having a gothic wedding on Halloween.
Cinara said
I love the idea of "Your hair is purple." being a question
shannon said
Oh, I've gotten that one! My favorite is "There's something in your nose." My godmother's husband felt the need to whip that one out recently. It's my nose ring, and it's been there for going on 6 years now. He's seen it a million times before….
Alice said
Thanks for the awesome guest post.
I've been thoroughly enjoying Jill's Gothic Charm School video presentations over the last few weeks, and am eagerly awaiting her book. My beloved and I are arranging out wedding at the moment, and have so far been able to manage my parents expectations relatively well. His very open-minded and accepting mum is making my outfit (except the corset, which I'm hoping will be made by Starkers!), which thankfully removes my mother from the picture on that delicate issue (it will be pewter, not black, but she'll still want to argue about the style, and the corset, if she gets a chance.)
I'm debating whether to give a copy of the book to my parents before or after the wedding. It appears that they think that I'm not really "goth" any more, (despite having worn almost exclusively black for the last 12 years), and I'm afraid that giving it to them before hand will just cause tensions, rather than relieve them. After, however, they're definitely getting a copy.
, however, will be getting one as soon as possible. : )
Meran said
I'm a "reformed goth." i was a real goth in high school but have smoothed out my attitude and wardrobe a bit since i've grown up. i still have "gothic tendencies" that break out once in a while when i break out my PVC mini skirt and black make-up. i've found that most people don't take me seriously if i dress gothic. not to mention the fact that i still look like i'm 16.
my sis is punk and my dad refused to pay for her wedding unless she dyed her hot pink hair a normal color and took out her nose ring.
fortunately for me this is a vow renewal and i'm paying for everything. so i can do whatever i want! Bite me, dad!!
Sarah said
yay! this post made me smile. i'm wiccan, and trying to combine a handfasting and other wiccan rituals with "traditional" wedding stuff is becoming a nightmare.
i especially love the skeletal cake topper comment. 
i would love to be entered!
Kathleen Mountain said
What a fabulous post! Great ideas not only for the wedding world, but for being a goth or punk or whatever in everyday life. There is no excuse for being rude to people who are just genuinely interested in your choice of appearance. Be a good goth/punk/whatever and show that you can look the way you do and still have manners and class.
Monique Perez said
I LOVED this post! Planning a goth wedding myself, I am not looking forward to having The Conversation with those in my wedding party, but now I think I'll be able to handle it MUCH better! I'd love to be entered to win this book!
Thanks!!
OffbeatAriel said
I completely agree — I love Jillian's philosophy that basically you are an ambassador of your culture, and being rude and snitty doesn't help anyone. If you dress differently, people are going to ask questions! It's a great opportunity to educate and enlighten people who are reaching out.
Jessica said
I learned a long time ago that if you're different from the mainstream, then people are going to be curious….it's a natural reaction, and as tiring as it can be, I always try to be nice and friendly, 'cause what most people think of as normal, I'm completely baffled by!
I'm planning an October steampunk wedding, and so far, no one has had anything negative to say about our plans….we're pretty outgoing and outrageous and I think all our friends and family are excited to see how creative and original and different our day is going to be…thank god I won't have to have The Conversation with anyone!
Kathleen Mountain said
I was always bothered when I was younger by the asshole punks who gave us all a bad name. You are totally an ambassador of your culture and if you want to change stereotypes then you have to behave as such. xo
Mel said
Very cool post! I want that book.
Chia said
I love this post! I thought Jillian was the coolest thing when I saw her fashion interview in Bust. We wanted to get married on Halloween but we settled for the summer solstice.
Dana said
Hi! I'm posting in the right place this time! I would like to enter the contest, please.:)
Lily said
Ace post! So ace, in fact, that I seem to have spent the last few hours on the Gothic Charm School site when I really should have been working. Oops…
OffbeatAriel said
Yes, Gothic Charm School will suck you in if you're not careful — and I'm not even goth! I just love Jillian's writing style and common sense advice. Her videos are awesome, too: http://www.youtube.com/user/GothicCharmSchool
Liz said
I'd very much like to be entered into the running for the book. It looks like a fantastic read.
Deathslittlesis said
The book looks like fun. We're decideing between a gothic wedding or a large gothic elopement. Either way, my family will be fine, the groom's family will not. I need all the help I can get
Leah said
omg ive been reading the lady of the manners for some time and i squeed with delight when i saw she had a book coming out!
Lauren said
This is great! It can definitely be hard to mix diverse friend and family groups, especially at an event like a wedding (where lots of people have very specific expectations of how it will look).
Angie said
I'll put my hat in the ring for the book.
I have a decided tendency toward goth, but I lean more "artsy" than anything else, and while I'm not married or engaged, I think if it ever happens I'd prefer to go the goth route.