How to tell dad that another man is walking you down the aisle
Ceremony Advice, Friends & Family Advice
By
on May 26, 2009
65
My parents were divorced when I was very young, and a family friend stepped in to take my father's place in my life. I still see this man as a father figure, more so one than my biological father. The other man who helped raise me is gay, and at this point in his life knows he isn't going to have any children, and sees my brother and I as his children instead. When I asked he agreed to walk me down the aisle, but I don't know how to break that to my biological father, who I DON'T want to walk me down the aisle. Period.
How do I tell my biological father that another man who did more raising of me is going to walk me down the aisle instead of him? -Ellie
Ellie, I think it's wonderful that you've chosen the man who you feel is a positive father figure in your life to walk you down the aisle. Walking someone down their wedding aisle is privilege, not a blood right — one that you feel this Other Dad clearly earned in his role raising you.
As for how to break it down for bio-dad, here's my advice…
I think the best tactic to use when telling bio-dad is to make it less about "You're not walking me down the aisle, Dad" and more about "I've chosen Other Dad to walk me down the aisle."
For all you know, your father may be relieved (some absent fathers find the whole thing awkward), but if he persists with questions — focus on the positive reasoning behind choosing Other Dad, rather than the negative reasons why you're not choosing bio-dad.
If bio-dad keeps trying to turn the conversation to "why not me?," keep focusing on the positives of why you chose Other Dad. Pick a particular shared memory with Other Dad to share with bio-dad (ie "I knew on one of my and Other Dad's mountain walks that this would be just right") instead of a negative against bio-dad (ie "You were hardly even around when I was growing up, Dad — of course I don't want you walking me down the aisle!")
Additionally, you could create a different role for bio-dad in the ceremony — he could do a reading or start the ring warming or lead a song. If you opt for this tactic, it's less about "I don't want you walking me down the aisle," and more about "I envision this other role for you instead."
The important thing is to focus less on what you're denying him, and more on why it feels important to you to honor Other Dad. If the conversation starts to slide off the rails, try some Copy 'n' Paste Conflict Resolution and politely end the conversation — ie, "While I wish I could change how you feel, I respect that we all have different opinions about weddings … and I hope you know that despite this disagreement, it doesn't change how much I love you! I'm so looking forward to seeing you at our wedding." *click*
[Two dads walking down the aisle photo courtesy of Katherine O Photo, via the Offbeat Bride Flickr pool.]
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Rachel said
Thank you for this! I've been wondering how I should break it to my "never-there" bio-dad that my mother was going to be walking me down the aisle. Now I can do it with the least amount of drama possible.
scunshine said
It was hard to tell my dad that no one was walking me down the aisle- my husband was going to meet me halfway- but he was in the camp of relieved. We've just had so much drama over the years, I think it released him from feeling too responsible during the wedding. I did ask him to do a reading though, and it was a great one that he chose.
My mom, on the other hand, was pretty much mortified that no one was walking with me, to the point of asking my brother FOR ME if he'd do it but I intercepted in time, lol.
Best of luck to everyone in this situation!
Brittany said
Thank you! This is a life saver. I have been distraught on how I wanted to walk down the isle. I don't believe anyone can give me away, but my fiance and I both want the dress a secret until the walk. This solves every problem. Thanks!
Jess said
My dad left my mom 6 months ago after 30 years of marriage…we've never been close, and I always thought of both of my parents walking me down the aisle….now it's gonna just be me and Mom, and this gives me some great ways of breaking the news to my dad…
Jasmyn said
I'm so glad that you covered this topic! This seems to be an issue that many brides have been dealing with lately, and it's an issue that I'll have to deal with when the time comes. Thanks so much!
Ellie said
Thank you so much for this. My bio-dad is still going to take it badly, (it doesn't help that he doesn't like Clayton, my Other Dad, or that he didn't get to walk my half-sister either.) but I guess I'll have to be willing to make allowances. Maybe say 'I'll still do the Father-Daughter dance with you!' (which I don't want to do, but hey, compromise is a bitch.) Still, I predict I'll be ending it with the bit you put at the end. Oh well.
I gotta say, as much as I don't see my bio-dad as my father, I feel kind of sorry for him. As far as I can tell, none of his children even like him. None of us wanted him at our weddings at all although my brother did invite him, and I'm doing that too. And if he decides he's not coming because of this, well, um… darn?
nicole said
This is such a well-timed post for me. I've been trying to work up the courage to tell my stepdad that I don't want *anybody* walking me down the aisle. My mom says it will break his heart if he doesn't get to, but the thought of being "given away" makes me feel really squeamish. :\ Coming up with an alternate role seems like the best thing to do…
Ellie said
Well, I called my dad. I'm strangely relieved that I got his voicemail. Here's what I said, in case anyone else needs ideas:
"Dad, I know you're not going to take this well, but I've been thinking about this for a while, and this is really what I want. I'd like Clayton to walk me down the aisle at the wedding. He helped mom so much with raising Joel and I, and he has no other children of his own. Since he sees me as his daughter, I thought this would be a great way to include him in the wedding. I'll still do the father daughter dance with you, but this is a great way to thank him for helping so much when I was growing up."
I'm not looking forward to his reaction, but… oh well. I'll wing it if I'm away from my computer. And if things go badly, they go badly. Hopefully we'll forgive each other eventually.
Alison K said
One of my girl friends just got married this past weekend, and she had her grandfather walk her down the aisle and had both her grandfather and her biological father "give her away." Maybe this would work for Ellie (or anyone who has an absent bio-dad).
In my case, I walked by myself down the aisle. My DAD was my maternal grandfather, and he died a little over six years ago. The only other person I would have had walk me would be my brother, but he was my Man Of Honor.
You just need to figure out what works for you and DO THAT.
Cassie said
Great advice for a sticky situation. Though I have to say that in general, I'm not a fan of the "Don't be offended — I'm making you a reader!" approach. I see this offered up as a solution for all sorts of things (to placate a friend/relative who expected to be a bridesmaid, etc.) and frankly I think people see through it. If this dad is the type who believes he should walk her down the aisle just because they are related by blood, I don't think he will feel any better about the situation if he's reading a verse while some other man walks her down the aisle. With that said, I suppose giving him another part of the wedding will make him feel a little better in the long run. But I also have to add that if he didn't earn the right to walk her down the aisle, then maybe he didn't earn another special spot in the wedding, either. Sounds harsh but I have been in a similar situation.
But thanks for the reminder of the conflict resolution thing! I seriously, literally, am cutting and pasting those lines into an email today that deals with family members and wedding drama. It sums up exactly what I meant. Thanks!
Ariel said
Cassie, I'm a big proponent of the different roles approach. My father didn't walk me down the aisle, not because I don't love him, but because A) I wanted to walk down the aisle with my husband B) my father's a poet and him reading one of him poems was way more meaningful than him putting one foot in front of the other with me.
I don't think creating alternative roles for people has to be an issue of dismissing them.
GC said
this is SO hard
I'm trying to figure out how to skip the father/daughter dance (my family doesn't really dance) without insisting on skipping the mother/son dance
and the walk down the aisle–oh boy–thanks for the pointers. I have no Other Father but having no one walk me down the aisle is something I'll have to explain.
Jess said
I'm having both my parents walk me down the aisle. I'd like my groom-to-be to do the same when he approaches the altar, to symbolize that both his parents and my parents give their blessing for the marriage (mine will be very family-/community- oriented), but I'm not sure how his traditional parents would take it. Anyone have any ideas on how to broach that subject?
Hibryd said
Jess – I'd hit an all-positive angle with a side helping of flattery. Start by saying your parents are walking you down the aisle because they both mean so much to you that you couldn't image doing it without both of them. Then say that, while you know it's not very traditional, the idea of them doing the same thing with their sons sounds wonderful; it's a public declaration of both you and your husband being brought to that point by your respective parents, and then starting a new life together. Make it sound like the idea of walking out with both of your parents is just too lovely and symbolic to just have the bride do it, and you want to include them as well.
Ellie said
I learned today the my nephew is a wonderful 'I don't want to talk about this anymore' buffer. Elbows in the boob and diaphragm aren't fun, but at least it's not "I don't understand! What did I do??" Not to mention when I said ow, the baby started crying, and I had a wonderful excuse to get off the phone.
PB said
This is such a well-timed post for me. I've been trying to work up the courage to tell my stepdad that I don't want *anybody* walking me down the aisle. My mom says it will break his heart if he doesn't get to, but the thought of being "given away" makes me feel really squeamish. :\ Coming up with an alternate role seems like the best thing to do…
alison said
@Jess: Traditionally for Jewish weddings both mother and father walk the groom down the aisle.
missie said
great reply ariel! thanks again… i've loved this website for a while now…
Bree said
Hi Ariel – thanks for posting this question.
I wasn't sure how to contact you, but I have a question that somewhat relates to this one – along with another I've seen on the blog (about planning a wedding from far away).
How do you go about planning a wedding in a place that no longer feels like home? I haven't lived in my hometown in nearly 10 years, but the bulk of the guests are from that area. Now that I'm looking into reception sites, I'm beginning to realize that the area feels so foreign, and I don't know how to plan an offbeat wedding in a place like that. Any advice?
Sorry if this is the wrong place to pose questions!
katherine said
Thanks for posting the photo! This bride was really close to both her real father and her stepfather and wanted them both to walk her down the aisle. Her parents even danced with each others spouses on the dance floor!
Jessi Juusola said
I was planning on doing just that! I'm actually a little closer to my step-dad (who considers me his biological daughter) than my biological dad, but I love them both very much and it made perfect sense to me to have them both walk me down the aisle. Glad to see I'm not the only one! :3
pdxKate said
Historically, I've had a turbulent relationship with my father. He was mostly not around growing up and, when he was, so was my step mother…who had a hard time sharing my dad. Needless to say, our relationship was very rocky for a very long time. Over the past 5 years or so, I have worked really hard to let it go. Water under the bridge. It is HARD to let go…but personally, I couldn't carry this baggage anymore. Either let it go (and salvage a relationship, if possible…or not). So that is what I did.
The good news is that things are much better between us (far from perfect), but enough that I was comfortable having my dad (AND MOM) walk me down the isle together. Talk about awesome (and scary, since it was a very bitter divorce and they hadn't seen each other in like 15 years).
Good luck to you all, whatever you decide! Remember, you need to make sure you are doing what makes YOU happy and comfortable.
Soozie said
My boyfriend has been an absent dad, but through no choice of his own. His ex-wife has made it very uncomfortable for him to participate in his daughter's life. If he were to be at her wedding and see another man walk her down the aisle, it would just kill him. It's so unfair. I think the nice thing to do is not have anyone give you away. See the film Last Chance Harvey to get the rejected father's perspective. Heartbreaking.
Heidi Elizabeth Pogner said
I'm sorry Soozie, but I don't agree with you.
If your boyfriend hasn't been a part of his daughter's life, whether by choice or simply because he felt it would cause too much drama to fight for any sort of custody, then he needs to respect his daughter's decisions. Especially if he really loves her.
I'm sure he would want his daughter to be happy, even at his own expense. That is what a parent does.
Jess said
Hibyrd — great suggestion
I'll definitely have to try it once I get up the nerve.
Alison — I did not know that — good to know! I'm not Jewish, though, so unfortunately that won't really help me in terms of breaking it to the in-laws. But it might be a good reference. Thanks.
Ariel said
Jess, we're not Jewish, but it didn't stop us from using a Jewish tradition in our wedding — in our case, we went on a Yichud walk immediately after our ceremony.
It's easy to say, "After doing some research about weddings, I really like the Jewish tradition of having both parents walking me down the aisle — so we're going to adopt it!"
TheOtherBrit said
I used an avoidance route for this one. Not wanting to offend my father since we're actually talking now, but still not close, I've just avoided all the father/daughter situations.
I'm pulling the feminist card for walking myself down the aisle, though with my small venue there may not even be an aisle.
Small venue with no dance space also eliminates the need for parental dances, especially since we're not sure that the future hubbys mom will show.
I really wanted my "other dad" to walk me down the aisle (I call him dad and see him more often. His wife is best friends with his wife and I've always thought of their kids as my sibling). It wasn't worth the drama it would cause though.
We've actually avoided alot of drama by not having anyone involved in the ceremony besides us and the minister. Our mantra: "piss off everyone a little bit instead of a few people a lot."
TheOtherBrit said
Haha that should say his wife is best friends with my mom… why is there no edit on here!?