Comments on: Why do longtime partners split after getting married?

By: hannah1cestmoi

hannah1cestmoi — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 08:04:30 +0000

She did?!

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 09:38:19 +0000

With regards to the conflation of marriage and family planning:

I know this is is an Offbeat site, but geared toward the offbeat bride, not necessarily the offbeat woman. So I think it's perfectly natural for somebody who doesn't fall in line with the bridal magazines and expectations to conflate marriage and family planning together because for that individual, they go hand in hand (first come loves, then comes marriage…)

Anyway, if one is planning a family, and not just planning to propagate, they might want to include the biological father into those plans.

And the truth is that our reproductive physiology has not evolved as quickly as our social structures have. So while you don't need to married to have kids…, you do need to get your s*** together while you are still pretty young, if you want to have kids. I know there are plenty exceptions to averages, and it's nice to think that we can have any sort of life that we want….but our bodies may betray our offbeat sensibilities.

So…it is possible to wait too long to start a family built on a marriage.

By: ButchKitties

ButchKitties — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 20:39:53 +0000

One thing I think that can change after a wedding is how everyone else treats you as a couple. In the case of a good friend, her boyfriend's mother had been relatively hands-off when they were living together but unmarried. Going from "son's girlfriend" to "daughter-in-law" really changed how his mom treated her, and it was not a good change. I'm talking about creepy stuff like letting herself in when they weren't home and repainting the kitchen, or going through my friend's closet and "organizing" her clothes, then getting huffy that my friend didn't collapse in gratitude. My friend didn't know her hubby was going to let his mother's antics slide, because in the ten years prior to the marriage they'd never had that problem. They ended up divorcing after a year.

By: Veronica Perez

Veronica Perez — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 17:54:02 +0000

i agree!

By: sara b

sara b — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 14:44:21 +0000

From something that happened to one of the couples I know: something was messed up with the relationship and they hoped being married would fix it. It is the same idea as some married couples who have a baby thinking that that will fix the problems.

By: donteatmenooo

donteatmenooo — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:51:59 +0000

My sister, after seeing so many of her long-term relationship friends get married and go through a very rocky first few years, has a theory: Those who have been together for so long, who know each other so well, really hope that nothing will change, and expect nothing to change, when they get married. They usually lived together beforehand (there was some statistic here that said that couples who cohabitated pre-marriage were 50% more likely to get a divorce), so really it seems logical that nothing would change except taxes and such. Unfortunately, things will still change when you marry. Hopefully you will have communicated about what could change, as so many people here have suggested. But more likely you are going to expect your relationship to stay the way it is. And you may not have realized your subconscious expectations that are not being met now. Or perhaps you have spent so much time and energy on the wedding itself, and now it's just going to be boring work and finances, and there seems to be nothing to look forward to. And then you might be afraid that you're together only because you've been so comfortable with each other, and the wedding was exciting and now it's not anymore, so you might be thinking your relationship is boring now.

I am getting married after 5 years, during which we both lived together and apart, and I was so worried that something was going to happen our first year of marriage that will cause us to break up. But we have indeed talked about all the stuff we should have, and I'm not too worried about the communication bit. But I am realizing one last thing that I think makes for a successful first few years of marriage: While you're preparing for your wedding, stay focused on your relationship, your future together, and your lives ahead of you. Focus on the idea of you two buying houses and moving, or learning new professions, or having children eventually, or whatever you will do when you're married. If you are happy with that, and your partner has the same image of your future, you should be good.

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 20:32:50 +0000

I knew I wanted to be with him forever within three months, but neither of us were ready for marriage until 7 years in. We needed to grow up before we did that.

By: vicky

vicky — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:36:18 +0000

My husband and I were together 7 years before we got married, 7 months of marriage and it is all over. We went through a rough patch before we decided to get married and decided to try so many things to "fix" it- instead we got married. I read this post at the time and I ignored it- we did talk, a lot, we were working on our relationship and I think we were both incable of recognising that it was over whilst we were in that frame of mind of wanting it to work. Once we got married, we both realised (although I attempted suicide first) that if it felt nearly over now, it would never get better. I don't think we could have split up before the wedding, and it wasn't like we had poured a lot of money into it (it must be so much harder if you have). We were on the we're getting married path and couldn't realise it wouldn't work until we got through it.

By: Emmie

Emmie — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:53:18 +0000

I think it's really easy, and that many couples are used to hearing these days, about marriage/relationships being work. But in practice it's harder to absorb that. I know that my relationship with my boyfriend has been a lot of work, and we've had some awful fights, but that it's never not been worth it. It's so easy to let doubt creep in and start thinking "gosh, why am I having to work so hard? if this was right, it would be easy." I think younger generations today are so used to rampant individualism that we are almost afraid to sacrifice for another person, or have been taught that to do so compromises what is "more important," i.e. our Selves. No wonder we have such a problem with divorce!

By: Emmie

Emmie — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:49:17 +0000

I almost did this. I dated my first boyfriend from age 18 on for five years. We always planned to get married, were practically engaged, etc. We never got as far as a ring or wedding planning, but eventually I caught myself and realized I was living to the wedding and that I needed to jump ship way befor the follow through or I'd be stuck unhappy and stifled forever. and by forever, I mean until I had the sense to get divorced.