Why do longtime partners split after getting married?
Posted by Ariel · Advice

umm… you're a genius.. and i think you've helped me with my expectations with FH… thanks! i think we need to talk… i think we're in the same chapter..just not the same page LOL

Wow…

Speaking from a divorced perspective, if I had really talked to my partner before hand, I would have NEVER married him. But, if I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my son.

But, your advice is major and majorly simple. Thank you. It has given me some clarity and some closure. And if I ever (I hope!) walk down the aisle again, I'll be doing alot more talking!

I think you also have to look at why partners decide to change their status after a long time in equilibrium. I suspect that there may already be trouble in paradise a lot of times, and people hope that getting married will "fix" that. Changing long-established patterns is difficult and disruptive, even if it just seems like a big party with a trip afterwards.

I've seen it happen once or twice among friends and friends-of-friends, and what tends to happen in those cases is that one partner (generally, though not always, the female half of a straight couple) has been having the whole relationship *to* the wedding. She's had "getting married" in her head for five or eight years (in the case of my friends, often since she was 18 or 19) and then suddenly, having followed through, realizes that nothing is "fixed," nothing is "different," and suddenly she has nothing to plan to.

So this was me in my first marriage, in that we'd been together 8 years prior and we split up before even a year had passed. I don't think our case was to do with expectations, but rather myself changing my own viewpoints about things after the wedding. If we'd actively sat down before the wedding I think we'd have been on the same page, but then I changed page after!

But I definitely agree that this might be the case for a lot of people and talking a lot prior to the wedding is important and something I've done a lot this time. I also think you need to stay on the ball in terms of tending to/looking after your relationship during the engagement period. It's easy to keep yourself occupied with all the planning that goes on, I was wrapped up in it last time and I'm not sure but maybe if I'd stopped and examined our relationship in that period, maybe the changes in me had already started to happen. Keep focussed on your relationship with each other before, so there is no crash back down to earth once all the celebrations/planning is over.

I think really sitting down and talking about your future and expectations is a wonderful idea for all couples. I found a list of things to discuss, before you get married, on the internet. Many of the topics I hadnt thought of before but I can now see are very relevant.
My fiance and I are going to order in this weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and make a night out of talking about all the topics on this list.

Well sure, Jezebel/Dodai — but that's not really the point. Common sense suggests that if you're partnered for years and years before getting married, you've maybe got a few things figured out with your relationship … and perhaps your marriage won't end in divorce within, oh, the first year.

My fiance and I got engaged and are getting married *because* we talk about things all the time. We both have goals that align (but aren't exactly the same – that would be kind of creepy), want the same things for ourselves and see our futures as a wonderful adventure that we're lucky enough to be able to explore with the person that we love.

I agree, communication has got to be at the forefront of a relationship. If you can't communicate, getting married won't make it any easier. I'm watching a girl I know get married this year and (from the outside – I could be wrong) it appears to be a "band-aid" wedding. Any time that she talks about them fighting over stuff, something that always gets said is "After the wedding, it'll be different". Well – um – unless either she or he wakes up as a completely different person one day, no, it won't. I really hope that they manage to figure out how to talk about their stuff and *communicate* with each other as to how they see their relationship.

And yes, marriage *is* work. Relationships are work – friends, family, lovers – they all require an investment of time and effort that most people are willing to make because they care enough about the other party to keep plugging away. Even when someone makes you shake your head and think, "WTF??" if you love them, you make the effort to understand instead of just throwing up your hands and walking away. It *is* a two-way street, though … and respect and compassion have to be given as well as received.

• whew* That got kind of preachy, didn't it? Sorry – in a nutshell, communication is key!!

really good advice. we're doing marriage counseling with our pastor and he gave us this book to work through–and while most of it insults my female intelligence and strokes my gag reflex a little (thank you, focus on the family!), it has a really useful section called "great expectations" that prompted us each to describe what we expected out of our marriage in all sorts of areas (living arrangements, contact with extended families, travel and entertainment, finances, education, kids, everything) and then come together to share our ideas. identifying my hopes/expectations on my own was good because the focus was on what *i* expect and not on trying to reach an agreement right away, and discussing was good to see where we had similar/dissimilar/realistic/unrealistic expectations for our life together.

so, i do think that understanding what you and your partner expect (as well as, cheesy as this sounds, how they perceive affection, a la "the love languages") are two of the most important things in maintaining good communication in a relationship. but what do i know…i'm only 21. =)

This is THE TRUTH and nothing but!! My hubbie and I are always saying this same thing . lol

Huzzah to Ariel for giving us eye candy AND thoughtful articles!

Well said. I would add another book recommendation–I actually picked it up because I'm in an interracial relationship and knew that making assumptions about people's communication styles from different backgrounds would just be disastrous.

It's "Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships" by Joel Crohn. But I would recommend it to anyone, simply to recognize that what people say, what they mean, and how you hear it are often 3 different things.

Funny how this jives with the advice I give at every wedding/shower/etc:

Everything Changes, But Everything Remains the Same. Never Take Each Other For Granted.

I should add, "never make promises for later that you wouldn't keep now."

Ariel – I totally get what youre trying to convey. One of the reasons I like your website is how diverse and wonderful the couples are.I am sensitive about this topic as both myself and several other friends of mine were put down by people who thought it "odd" that we didnt get married after 5 yrs of being together.

I thought this was an interesting topic as I really dont know many people who have gone through this. I hear more of the been together for 6 yrs, broke up and immediately found the love of their life.

"Being together a long time before you get married is not a bad thing. A bunch of posts here infer that there is something wrong if you wait so long."

Well, if you ever want to have a family, there IS such a thing as waiting too long before you get a commitment. Unfortunately we get 10 fewer years than the guys do to get our shit together before we have kids.

On 95 in Philadelphia, there are billboards for Robbin's Diamonds. It's a picture of a woman, sticking up her ring finger, with the caption "She's tired of waiting." They're funny, in all honesty, but I think it's pretty telling of the general view towards marriage and dating. Marriage is seen by some as the ultimate, the goal-not the adventure. And for couples who have been dating a while, there might be a bit of sh*t or get off the pot, if you will. The timing is different for everyone, whether you've been dating 8 months or 8 years.

Communication is so, so, so key. It has saved us countless fights and is probably the reason we're still together, let alone getting married.

Bravo! To Jan for raising this important issue, and to Ariel, as ever, for wise and common sense advice. This has been of grave concern to me in the past and I have had the same theory for a long time.
I knew this awesomely laid back, best-friends couple once who'd been living together for 11 years, were separated and filing for divorce less than a year after their wedding. I saw this and similar time and time again and for many years it made me very anti-marriage, until I realised, or inferred, what the problem was. Discussing and understanding one anothers' expectations for marriage has been a primary focus for us among all this wedding planning. I'm so glad this is being discussed.

"Ideally, they'll just magically overlap."

This is me and CDH. We are so blessed – I don't know how it happened. Everything fits, everything works. It's amazing.

We talked a LOT before we got married, because we both realised the the 'wedding' was a big fun party, and after that we still had to come home to each other every night. We discussed every whim, every dream, every value, every eventuality. They all fell together like perfectly cut jigsaw pieces.

Talk. Always talk. Your partner is the most interesting person on the planet – I never get tired of listening to his ideas and hopes and dreams.

It is funny how you mentioned the traditional versus modern roles! It is probably a stuggle for my partner to figure out what I want when it comes to this… we already determined he would be the stay-at-home Dad, but at the same time, I totally believe that the guy should be the masculine/disciplinarian and all that. I am totally a mish-mash of tradition and modernism (or should I say post-modernism?).
I think there is also this whole, "I have been dating her for six years, I better propose now. *sigh" thing that some guys go through. People will totally disagree with me on this one, but I am of the firm belief that if you don't know within the first year you become a "couple" then you aren't really meant for eachother. All the long-term couples I know have all said the same thing about knowing their spouse was the one…. "I just knew!"

This is great advice. I find most peoples advice a load of crap and not really applicable to myself, however I have not thought about this and think it's so very important to discuss. Thanks for the great blog, as always.

What superb and insightful advice. My partner and I have lived together for 3 1/2 years now and have been together for nearly seven years. The first year and the third years were probably our rockiest, so we didn't know that 'it would last' until probably the end of the third year. In saying that, there were signs from both of us throughout the relationship that neither of us felt it was worth 'giving it all up' for any of the issues we came across, whether minor or major. I think this bodes well for a married future that we have both talked about, but I think we need to do it at a time when there aren't so many weddings going on around us. My partner is always getting teased by newly-weds or newly-engaged friends about getting me a ring, and 'isn't it about time', which is totally the wrong motivation for marriage, obviously. At the same time, I think I will 'propose' to have a long talk with him someday soon about our future expectations, as things are still up in the air career-wise for us, but for me especially, a disillusioned grad student! Great wedding blog without the solipsistic guff.

My partner and I just finished a book called "Don't get married until you read this book!". All it is 500 questions to ask eachother. We loved it and it focused on expectations and goals. We found it at our library. Thanks for the great site!

@ Karen

I'm pretty sure that had my parents not gotten divorced… or had even tried to stay in proximity because they 'committed' to having children together but weren't really happy with each other… that would have messed my brother and I up pretty badly (I have a friend whose parents did that and he is an emotional wreck, not that he admits it).

By the same token… I think they did just fine raising us without having any commitment to each other at all. Were there times when our lives were not 1950's nuclear family delusional happy? Of course. But I think that sort of unrelenting happiness isn't possible anyway.

I don't think that in order to turn out well a child has to be raised by a mother and a father, or even by 2 parents. So to say it's irresponsible to have children without first ensuring your partner's going to be 100% in it (CAN you even guarantee that? People change… my mom and dad planned to have us and thought they were going to be together forever. How long do you wait to be -sure-?) sort of implies that children shouldn't be raised in any other type of situation.

I'm with Ariel on family planning and marriage being separate. If you want to plan a family that involves you and your children and no husband (or wife, or whatever) then I think the most important thing is that you -want- that and are a stable, sound, happy person (which a strained relationship of any kind with a partner/former partner/other biological parent of your child) would not be conducive too.

I am totally sympathetic to the emotional pain of having divorced parents, but the thing that causes that is the divorce itself, not the single parenting, in my opinion. It took a long time for me to understand my parents, and to really get what they did… but I love them both, I know they made the best decisions they could, and I don't begrudge their happiness at the expense of me having them both 24/7 for my childhood.

They did all right by me, and I think there are plenty of single parents and non traditional households who do as well. I'm sorry if this gets read negatively, because I hate internet-conflict, but… I feel really strongly about the idea that you CAN raise children, and raise them well, regardless of the family structure and situation.

I know that many universities have secular pre-nuptials courses for those of you who don't want to do it through a church (I know that it's required in the Catholic church to go through a length course before you get married. As much gripe as the Catholics get, I have to give them credit for that one).

The University of Connecticut, for example, has completely secular course for any couples considering marriage. Including how to manage your finances, realizing your expectations, articulating your future goals and priorities, etc. Since I believe CT just now signed same sex marriage into law, it's for both hetero- and homosexual couples.

Check your local universities for something similar. I bet there are programs out there.

Karen, I think your posts are making the point that it is necessary to find a partner who sees the world similarly to you, and who is as committed to the same things as you, and who has the same expectations that you do.

I know more people who are messed up from "My parents tried to stay together for us but my family was very unstable" than the "amicable divorce, it wasn't perfect but hey I'm happy". There is also nothing to guarantee that a two parent household is going to be a good thing for a kid. A single mother with lots of social support may have more interpersonal resources to create a nurturing environment than a socially isolated married couple.

So my experiences inform a set of expectations of how the world best operates. They are different than yours, but through communication we both find partners who see the world similarly, have the necessary commitments we both expect, and create our families in the visions we see best and hopefully they both work. Neither of our opinions are necessarily correct, but we operate accordingly and so need to overlap them.

I don't know, just my two cents.

This couldn't be more timely, as I just learned that this is happening to a friend.

My fiance and I spent hours talking about it last night. From our first date, I approached our relationship with honesty, respect and clear communication. We were both coming from previous relationships where the communication was lacking- that we weren't getting the whole story from our partners.

And right away, we knew we found something great in each other and have talked openly about money, debt, savings goals, lifestyle goals, children. I think we talk about it all, but yet after hearing this happen, I felt gosh, are we not talking about it enough? Or are we talking about the wrong things?
I appreciate the book recommendations and will be returning the plan your wedding books and look for these books about cultivating a marriage. It helps me ground our wedding planning- it is a celebration of marriage, it is one day. And the real work we are to do is growing our relationship.
Any more book recommendations?
I'd also be interested in a post about pre-marriage counseling. How soon before the wedding to do it? What to expect, experiences.

Thank you thank you!!!

My FH and I are getting married in Sept, and have lived together for practically ALL of the 5 years we have been dating, since we were best friends for 3 years before we 'kissed'- LOL! I don't envision anything changing at all. Other than I get his health benefits from his job, lol. And, I'm actually taking his last name!!!! (long story there) But, we have been engaged for 3 years already. What held us back? Mostly me. I'm 41 he is 33. I have kids (19 and 22) and he doesn't. I don't really want anymore, and I had to be sure he was of the same mindset because that was HUGE! Of course, I could be persuaded to have A BABY, provided he makes enough money for me to stay home to care for the baby full time. We agreed on this point, and finally went ahead with our wedding plans. I couldn't agree to it with his 'we'll see what happens' attitude, because I didn't want to disappoint. I am 41. There isn't much biological TIME left for me to have a baby…I think this is what happens to people. They don't go over these fine points. It's important.

'Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcano's, then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision You have to work out whether your roots are so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because that is what love is.

love is not breathlessness. It is not excitement. It is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being in love, which any fool can do, love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both Art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree, not two.'

I heard this at one of the weddings I have been too, and when looking out for suitable and truthful readings, this not only moved me, but helped me. Possiably cheesy, but hey…its form captain Corelli's mandolin.

Other quote I along similar lines i have found on a card..
'Love is not longingly staring into each others eyes, it is looking out together, in the same direction'. basically a short version of the above, but still basically considering more about the relationship its self, rather than the lustful honeymoon period, that far too many films etc.. have been drumming into us all our live on how it should be for us ,all day, every day. No wonder some people feel disappointed with real life.

Has anyone on here seen the Woody Allen movie "Husbands and Wives"? This thread brings to mind the beginning of that film, where the couple played by Mia Farrow and Woody Allen are horrified — devastated — to learn that a couple they're longtime friends with are splitting up. In that scene, of course, the humor comes from the fact that the other couple seems relatively unfazed. (Later, of course, we find out that they're anything but.)

I guess my point is that there's something frightening, terrifying even, about seeing another couple who, for all intents and purposes *could be you* deciding to call it quits. And in our desire to distance ourselves from those people, we say, "Oh, but they didn't communicate the way we do, they weren't prepared, they didn't think ahead, they didn't go to a counselor. They didn't read this relationship book or that one or learn erotic massage. Their marriage was a band-aid marriage, not a real marriage. They weren't like me and my fiance/e, not at all. No siree." We want to blame them, in one way or another, to deem them deficient. We want to believe that what happened to them was preventable because we desperately want to prevent it in our own relationships.

I'm not saying that we can't learn anything from other people's relationships and break-ups, because obviously we can. And I'm not saying that communication isn't important, because obviously it is. But it's a bit naive to think that there's any way armor ourselves against heartbreak and divorce and all the mad messiness of life, any more than we can armor ourselves against death.

7. Give a heartfelt apology to your partner when you mess up. Admiting your were wrong will speed up the healing process!

We're getting married one day before out five year anniversary. We've lived together for almost four years, so when the minister asked us what we think will change when we get married, it kinda surprised me. I hadn't really thought about it, but I answered instinctively, "Nothing. At least I hope nothing will change!" My fiance agreed. There are a couple of things that will change in the future, mainly having a child, but for now, we're really content in our relationship the way it is and besides having a piece of paper and the lifelong commitment, I really hope our day-to-day relationship stays on the same track we've been on. When the minister acted like we gave the right answer, I was pleased!

Hi! I'm not sure if someone has said this but I think you've missed why people get divorced after so long being togther and then getting married.

I bet you that most of them have been together for ages, they have shared bank accounts and property and maybe even babies. But then they feel they aren't close anymore and so one side of the couple thinks the way to get closer is to be married, so they either propose or try and force/talk their partner into asking.

Then they get married and marriage doesn't solve it (and it makes it worse because they are in debut for the wedding). So they divorce and move apart.

I think this is a much more common situation then people finding 'being married' different. Because if you're living together you'd probably be sharing a lot of things anyway.

[That said I have no married friends, so this is a theory only.]

Great advice everyone! I am glad I read through all the comments – I am what you would call a hesitant fiance. Although we have agreed to get married after 3 years together, I am having second thoughts. Why can't we just stay as we are now – happily committed partners? I have plenty of friends that are in 10+ year relationships without any plan of getting married.

I suppose part of me wonders what will really be different after a legal ceremony versus what we have now. I cannot come up with one tangible thing that would change. So I keep asking myself "why?"

I was especially glad to read Lisa's comment about 'Nothing' changing after getting married – I guess this is my conundrum: if nothing will change, why bother?

Wanda – We didn't think much would change after we got married. After all, we were already living together and madly in love. Weren't we just making it legal?

Things did change. Getting married, getting up in front of all our friends and family members, looking into each others' eyes, declaring publicly and legally "you are my new family, and you will forever be the most important person in my life", it really DID take things to a new level for us.

Being husband and wife instead of boyfriend and girlfriend… that MEANS something to us. We DO feel closer, less guarded, more dedicated – because we've declared, in a very real sense, that committing to each other is more important than keeping our options open.

I have got to say, thank you! Now I have a print-source for the naggers in my life.

Both my FH and I are children of divorcees. So whereas we have enjoyed a partnership for almost 10 years now, we have been procrastinating on marriage. Not because we don't love each other, but because we wonder what weird "isms" we'll develop once we are – what inner ball-and-chain demons will pop out.

In fact, my FH is proposing the idea that in our ceremony we leave out "husband" and "wife" altogether. We haven't decided on a substitute phrase yet, but "spouse-figure" is in the top 5.

Thanks again!

Smurfybride –

"we wonder what weird "isms" we'll develop once we are – what inner ball-and-chain demons will pop out."

There won't be. You've been together for 10 years. There is nothing left to hide. If you didn't change by now, you never will.

If anything, being the child of divorce (and then watching my parents date a series of disasters for the following few decades) made me believe even more in marriage, because I realized what a rare, special thing it is.

Personally? I love "husband" and "wife". Those are powerful, loaded words and I love using them. I don't care what those words meant to my parents. They mean something to me. Calling him "my husband" is a handy way of saying "the most important person of my life, to whom I have given and will continue to give everything I have to offer."

Statistics Canada said that people who lived together before they were married were 50% more likely to get divorced once they got married than people who did not live together previous to marriage.

I don't know if I agree that having different expectations of marriage is the primary reason that long-term couples split up. For me, it seems to be more of a confinement issue, as I often think I'd feel suffocated in a marriage. I don't know why but picturing myself in a lifelong, unmarried relationship feels much more "freeing" than marriage. I question whether some long-term couples may experience this feeling of confinement once married and then get divorced. This could just be me, though!

Couples who have been together for 6 years and break up – my theroy is More than likely these couples were together for a few years not living together and then bought a place and realised completely different things about each other. Living together and sharing finances is a big issue in many break ups.
If couples get married thinking this is the next step we have been together for this many years and this is the reason for getting married – don't!!!!
When i was single i spent every penny i earned plus money i didn't have to spend and went on holidays every year. I met my boyfriend and we connected straight away. We were so different i spent – he was cautious with money. I changed my ways because i knew he made sense and we were able to buy our own place and now save for the wedding. You have to realise that you both can't be right all of the time and compromise is the biggest relasionship saver.
Ariel, if you have doubts about getting married because of everyone else's break up stories you will never be happy. You are the only one who knows in your heart that this person you love is the only person you want to be with and you trust and believe they feel the same.
You will also find couples who have been in the situation of broke up and found love of life, more than likely are couples who met very young and changed their ideas of what the wanted or one or the other had no real previous relasionships and fell into habit with each other.

The best advice i can give to anyone reading this is 1. Money how both of you treat this . Remember don't think if your partner is being tight it is a controlling thing, it might not be, just ensuring for your future. I thought this at first but i realised he really did have our best interests.
2. Compremise – it is okay to give in to each other. You are both different.
3. Allow each other space to do your own things from time to time. You are both individual and deserve that right. You will be better together also. This shows trust , faith and respect between you,
Hope i have helped somewhat. preacing over and time to head to bed.
4. Most importantly know how to have fun together and be happy in each other company
Best of luck to all and don't loose faith. Marriage is and will be hard work if you don't work at it and don't forget each other no matter what is going on in your life at the time. Discuss your feelings no matter how stupid they seem.

Usually, those are "bandaid marriages". That's why they divorce after a year. They tried everything.

I'm getting marry in June 2010. My parnter is a great guy. He has 4 kids they are grown. I also has three kids they are also grown. But I love this man very much. Me and him talk, we listen to he other, we both love TV, we talk on the phone just say we love each other,we both love yard work, also we have great sex. We have know n each other for a long time. We both want someone to respect us,listen,love me for me, still continue to have great sex,And sometime just to say Hi.You good point on relationship. Thank you for good thing to read.