Why do longtime partners split after getting married?
Relationship Advice
By
on April 23, 2009
92 Responses
Photo by Bohemian Noir Visions. Thanks to psych0faerie for submitting this to the Offbeat Bride Flickr pool!
One thing that is freaking me out at the moment is when I hear of friend and friends of friends, who marry after being together for 7-8 years, but end up divorced after the first year or so. This terrifies me, as I really want to get/stay happily married, but I wonder why this happens ... when people are together for ages, get married and then split. What causes this….? -jan
It's absolutely not uncommon at all: longtime partners who are together for years decide to get married, and then almost immediately decide to get divorced. What's going on? Could this happen to you? Or me? Or any of us?
Obviously, there's no way for us to ever know exactly what makes individual couples split up. But when it comes to this trend, I've got a theory...
For better or for worse, each of us has expectations about what being married will mean to the relationship. For some people, that expectation might be, "Absolutely nothing will change, other than that we'll be wearing rings and will have had a big party." For other people, the expectation might be, "Everything will change. Our whole relationship will be on a different level, and how we interact with the world will be radically shifted!"
Neither of these assumptions is in any way wrong. The problem, however, is when the two people getting married don't talk about their expectations. One partner goes in thinking, say, "This is going to be awesome: once we're married, the sex is going to get way kinkier because the trust is going to be so much stronger between us!" The other partner goes in thinking, "This is awesome: I'm never going to have to travel alone again. We'll go places together!"
The issues arise when they don't talk these things over, and then go home after the wedding and the one partner is thinking, "Wow, the honeymoon was dull. Where's my kinky sex?" And the other partner is thinking, "Wait, did they just say they don't want to go to San Francisco with me next weekend? I thought we were doing everything together now!"
...See the problem?
Obviously, if it were all this simple, the solution would be easy: talk to your partner about your expectations for marriage! And that's a great first step.
But duh: half the time, a lot of us aren't even conscious of what our expectations are. This is hard stuff to quantify and articulate. "Um, when we're married, I want you to stick up for me when your friends make fun of what a geek I am...not like, all the time, but at least most of the time. And I don't want to be the only one to take out the garbage. And I want you to plan at least one special night for us a week. Well, ok, maybe one a month?" It's hard to put your finger on what marriage means to you.
Chances are decent that your own values about marriage are either a reflection of OR reaction against what you grew up with.
Not to get all Freudian on you, but this is where talking about your parents' marriages/relationships can come in handy. After all, these are the relationships that you grew up around, and chances are decent that your own values about marriage are either a reflection of OR reaction against what you grew up with. Talking about other people's marriages can help you better get your brain around your own values.
Is being married all about spending all your time together? Is it about supporting each other in your separate endeavors without insecurity? Is it about more kinky sex or more gentle couch snuggles after work? Is it about building a home together or is it about traveling the world together? Is it about feeling so confident in your commitment that you feel ok about going to grad school on opposite coasts?
In marriage as in wedding planning, you can't doze off at the wheel, or you wake up and realize you're living someone else's life.
For offbeat het couples, I think the most common troublesome expectations are issues of "normative" roles. These could be assumptions about gender roles ("Now she'll cook, and I'll work overtime!") or home/family planning ("Now we'll get a little house and he'll get me pregnant!"). All too often, these aren't even expectations we're aware of ... wildly progressive het couples fall into the long-established husband/wife roles without even realizing what they're doing. In marriage as in wedding planning, you can't doze off at the wheel, or you may wake up and realize you're living someone else's life.
I have no idea what marriage means to you and your partner, but when I see couples who've spent years living happily together as partners suddenly fall apart as spouses, I usually figure they had very different expectations about what marriage would mean to their relationship. And either they didn't talk about it, or they couldn't articulate what the differences were.
Moral of the story? Talk lots. If you discover lots of differences, consider pre-marital counseling. Do your best to understand both your own values and your partner's values.
Ideally, they'll just magically overlap.
Realistically? HA! There are compromises to be made.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
casey said
umm… you're a genius.. and i think you've helped me with my expectations with FH… thanks! i think we need to talk… i think we're in the same chapter..just not the same page LOL
Cat said
Sigh… if there was a lot more sensible advice like this and a lot less Oprah I think we'd all be much better off.
You should totally write a book
Veronica Perez said
i agree!
hannah1cestmoi said
She did?!
Amy said
Wow…
Speaking from a divorced perspective, if I had really talked to my partner before hand, I would have NEVER married him. But, if I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my son.
But, your advice is major and majorly simple. Thank you. It has given me some clarity and some closure. And if I ever (I hope!) walk down the aisle again, I'll be doing alot more talking!
Sarah TX said
Wow, great post! Personally, the year immediately following my wedding has been pretty smooth-sailing, but I can recall how difficult the time between proposal and wedding was. Even though we had been dating for 4 years and living together for 2, you're right that a lot of the important couple conversations often get put off.
Amelia Eve said
I think you also have to look at why partners decide to change their status after a long time in equilibrium. I suspect that there may already be trouble in paradise a lot of times, and people hope that getting married will "fix" that. Changing long-established patterns is difficult and disruptive, even if it just seems like a big party with a trip afterwards.
Nat said
I think there are a lot of great points raised here but I just wanted to add that I think a lot of the time, the relationship was troubled to begin with. If things aren't going great, some people think being married will make things better. A band-aid wedding like a band-aid baby. Then after a few months they realise that the relationship is fundamentally the same and they spllit up.
Kate said
I've seen it happen once or twice among friends and friends-of-friends, and what tends to happen in those cases is that one partner (generally, though not always, the female half of a straight couple) has been having the whole relationship *to* the wedding. She's had "getting married" in her head for five or eight years (in the case of my friends, often since she was 18 or 19) and then suddenly, having followed through, realizes that nothing is "fixed," nothing is "different," and suddenly she has nothing to plan to.
Emmie said
I almost did this. I dated my first boyfriend from age 18 on for five years. We always planned to get married, were practically engaged, etc. We never got as far as a ring or wedding planning, but eventually I caught myself and realized I was living to the wedding and that I needed to jump ship way befor the follow through or I'd be stuck unhappy and stifled forever. and by forever, I mean until I had the sense to get divorced.
Amy said
I am one of those geeky brides who reads lots of things. Books about marriage, books about getting married, books about being married, books about the problems with being married, etc. One of the most important books I read was The First Year of Marriage By Miriam Arond, Samuel L. Pauker. I swear to god this has helped me more than anything. I have recommended it to friends and family who have just gotten or are getting married.
It addresses this problem. It says much of what you do. But it also points out one good thing (for those of you who don't want to read a book to figure this out) Marriage is hard! And it takes work and communication and mutal respect and love. And it's still hard. It's always going to be hard. Unless you marry a robot you can program to always say the right things.
Rosalie said
So this was me in my first marriage, in that we'd been together 8 years prior and we split up before even a year had passed. I don't think our case was to do with expectations, but rather myself changing my own viewpoints about things after the wedding. If we'd actively sat down before the wedding I think we'd have been on the same page, but then I changed page after!
But I definitely agree that this might be the case for a lot of people and talking a lot prior to the wedding is important and something I've done a lot this time. I also think you need to stay on the ball in terms of tending to/looking after your relationship during the engagement period. It's easy to keep yourself occupied with all the planning that goes on, I was wrapped up in it last time and I'm not sure but maybe if I'd stopped and examined our relationship in that period, maybe the changes in me had already started to happen. Keep focussed on your relationship with each other before, so there is no crash back down to earth once all the celebrations/planning is over.
Lonie said
My FH and I did a prewedding skills based class one on one for six sessions with a therapist. It was called the Prepare Enrich program I think. We took a little test first, separately, to see where we agree and disagree about various things and the therapist then compares it and finds the areas of your relationship where possible issues could occur if you are not aware of your differences (such as how you deal with mony or raising children etc). It was useful for us to learn about expectations and gave us exercises for practicing better communication before a problem arises. I think there are other program like this and many churches also offer premairrage counseling to help you prepare for marriage even if you have already been cohabitating for 5 years as my FH and I have. I highly recommend some form of preparation even if it is just buying a premairrage workbook and going through it together.
Jessy said
I think really sitting down and talking about your future and expectations is a wonderful idea for all couples. I found a list of things to discuss, before you get married, on the internet. Many of the topics I hadnt thought of before but I can now see are very relevant.
My fiance and I are going to order in this weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and make a night out of talking about all the topics on this list.
Jezebel said
Half of all marriages end in divorce, anyway. It's a crapshoot no matter how you slice it.
Ariel said
Well sure, Jezebel/Dodai — but that's not really the point. Common sense suggests that if you're partnered for years and years before getting married, you've maybe got a few things figured out with your relationship … and perhaps your marriage won't end in divorce within, oh, the first year.
she said said
Jezebel – that's a misuse of statistics. Just because "half of all marriages end in divorce" (which, strictly speaking, isn't true – but that's a whole other ball of wax) doesn't mean that each individual marriage is a "crapshoot".
People who take time to thoroughly discuss things before getting married and while married do NOT have a 50% chance of getting divorced. People who don't discuss anything have a much higher than 50% chance of getting divorced. It won't solve everything and there are other reasons people get divorced (see Rosalie's comment above), but it goes a long way toward reducing the likelihood.
Kendochick said
My fiance and I got engaged and are getting married *because* we talk about things all the time. We both have goals that align (but aren't exactly the same – that would be kind of creepy), want the same things for ourselves and see our futures as a wonderful adventure that we're lucky enough to be able to explore with the person that we love.
I agree, communication has got to be at the forefront of a relationship. If you can't communicate, getting married won't make it any easier. I'm watching a girl I know get married this year and (from the outside – I could be wrong) it appears to be a "band-aid" wedding. Any time that she talks about them fighting over stuff, something that always gets said is "After the wedding, it'll be different". Well – um – unless either she or he wakes up as a completely different person one day, no, it won't. I really hope that they manage to figure out how to talk about their stuff and *communicate* with each other as to how they see their relationship.
And yes, marriage *is* work. Relationships are work – friends, family, lovers – they all require an investment of time and effort that most people are willing to make because they care enough about the other party to keep plugging away. Even when someone makes you shake your head and think, "WTF??" if you love them, you make the effort to understand instead of just throwing up your hands and walking away. It *is* a two-way street, though … and respect and compassion have to be given as well as received.
*whew* That got kind of preachy, didn't it? Sorry – in a nutshell, communication is key!!
Emmie said
I think it's really easy, and that many couples are used to hearing these days, about marriage/relationships being work. But in practice it's harder to absorb that. I know that my relationship with my boyfriend has been a lot of work, and we've had some awful fights, but that it's never not been worth it. It's so easy to let doubt creep in and start thinking "gosh, why am I having to work so hard? if this was right, it would be easy." I think younger generations today are so used to rampant individualism that we are almost afraid to sacrifice for another person, or have been taught that to do so compromises what is "more important," i.e. our Selves. No wonder we have such a problem with divorce!
SM said
Being together a long time before you get married is not a bad thing. A bunch of posts here infer that there is something wrong if you wait so long. I have 2 other friends in long term relationships and the truth is that every couple is different and it can go either way, regardless of how long you have been with the person! No one I know waited a long time and it ended up being that there was something wrong that was thought to be fixed with a wedding. Some people just wait simply…..to wait.
My partner and I were together for 10 years before we got married. For many many reasons we waited a long time to finally tie the knot- one of which being I wanted to finish all my education before we started our life together (which involved moving halfway across the world and wouldnt be fair to him to leave the job he loved). We also started dating when we were young and knew we should be a little more grown up before we made the commitment!
My husband and I purposely had a very small wedding with only 17 people because when we finally decided to get married, we just couldnt wait!
Ariel is absolutely right I think, in that communication is usually the thing that makes or breaks the relationship. The relationships I've seen fizzle have been those in which the couple were not willing to listen to each other's ideas/beliefs/concerns. Like someone else mentioned, marriage is hard work, as with any important relationship in your life. The people that ignore this fact will end up in turmoil.
piefairy said
really good advice. we're doing marriage counseling with our pastor and he gave us this book to work through–and while most of it insults my female intelligence and strokes my gag reflex a little (thank you, focus on the family!), it has a really useful section called "great expectations" that prompted us each to describe what we expected out of our marriage in all sorts of areas (living arrangements, contact with extended families, travel and entertainment, finances, education, kids, everything) and then come together to share our ideas. identifying my hopes/expectations on my own was good because the focus was on what *i* expect and not on trying to reach an agreement right away, and discussing was good to see where we had similar/dissimilar/realistic/unrealistic expectations for our life together.
so, i do think that understanding what you and your partner expect (as well as, cheesy as this sounds, how they perceive affection, a la "the love languages") are two of the most important things in maintaining good communication in a relationship. but what do i know…i'm only 21. =)
Ashley said
I just think it's refreshing to see a site about weddings take a moment to focus on the marriage.
quiana burwell said
This is THE TRUTH and nothing but!! My hubbie and I are always saying this same thing . lol
Rena said
This really corresponds to what family sociologists have noticed: Some couples who have been together a really long time feel social pressure to either get married or split up. They don't want to split up, so they basically "fall into" marriage (even if they aren't especially confident about the relationship's long-term potential). So they basically just slip into marriage by default, which isn't a recipe for success! I loves me some sociology!
Suzanna said
Huzzah to Ariel for giving us eye candy AND thoughtful articles!
Well said. I would add another book recommendation–I actually picked it up because I'm in an interracial relationship and knew that making assumptions about people's communication styles from different backgrounds would just be disastrous.
It's "Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships" by Joel Crohn. But I would recommend it to anyone, simply to recognize that what people say, what they mean, and how you hear it are often 3 different things.
Ariel said
SM said: Being together a long time before you get married is not a bad thing. A bunch of posts here infer that there is something wrong if you wait so long.
Wow, that's certainly not something I would ever want to imply! Andreas and I were together for 6+ years before we got married, and I'm absolutely glad we waited.
I don't think anyone was implying that there's anything wrong with waiting — just offering theories on why some folks who wait a long time sometimes might then bafflingly break up after the wedding.
LaneEllen said
Funny how this jives with the advice I give at every wedding/shower/etc:
Everything Changes, But Everything Remains the Same. Never Take Each Other For Granted.
I should add, "never make promises for later that you wouldn't keep now."
Glenda said
"never make promises for later that you wouldn't keep now."
AMEN, sister!
Ms.NT said
Funny I was just thinking about this last night.
I knew a couple who were together for 13 years and got divorced after 14 months. Their story pretty much terrified me and I still think about them from time to time.
I think it comes down to more than just communication. I think a big part of it is that both members of the couple have to place the same value on marriage. I know it sounds like the same thing, but in my mind it's different.
Part of the reason I feel comfortable marrying my finance, even though I wouldn't have married my old boyfriend of 6 years, is because I know that he believes so strongly in the commitment of marriage that he will fight tooth and nail to keep us together. I loved my ex very much, but to him marriage would not have strenghtened his idea of commitment. It would have been just an excuse to throw a party and hope for the best.
SM said
Ariel – I totally get what youre trying to convey. One of the reasons I like your website is how diverse and wonderful the couples are.I am sensitive about this topic as both myself and several other friends of mine were put down by people who thought it "odd" that we didnt get married after 5 yrs of being together.
I thought this was an interesting topic as I really dont know many people who have gone through this. I hear more of the been together for 6 yrs, broke up and immediately found the love of their life.