Construction is always more difficult than demolition
Philosophizing
By
on April 09, 2009
66
A reader sent me this "Best of Craigslist" post that encapsulates one writer's take on all the traditional things she doesn't want at her wedding. (And yes, I'm assuming the author is a woman, although there's no way to know.)
No, we are all now in our late twenties and wedding invitations appear in the mail with almost the same frequency that delivery guys slip take-out menus under my door. And now, having attended and been in a few weddings, I can't help but think "I don't want any of it."
You should definitely go read the whole post. It's hilarious — but then be sure to come back, because I've got something important to say…
It's a great little rant, filled with the writer's frustrations about all the traditions they'll be skipping when and if they ever get married. It's good for a chuckle and a nod-along as you read it, but I realized by the time I was done that it brought up some issues for me.
See, I don't really care about what you DON'T want at your wedding. It's easy to point at things other people have done and shout No! No! No! as you stamp your feet. It's easy to react against stuffy traditions, family expectations, and a wedding industry that shoves its "you gottas" down your throat.
But you know what's much harder? Creating what you want. It's so easy to slam other people for their over-the-top this, their tasteless that, their tacky whatever. It's much harder to stare down the muzzle of your own wedding (and your own life!) and determine what you actually want from it.
When you make all your plans through the process of elimination, you're cheating yourself out of some amazing creative opportunities.
I rally a lot about constructive, proactive communication … I'm sure it gets tiresome at times. But reacting online to things you don't like can almost become a sport of snark, a grand volly of bitching and dismissing. I don't want a church! I hate the patriarchal bullshit of the father walking me down the aisle!
Ok, sure. That's the easy part. Now the harder part is finding your perfect non-church venue and a way to include your family in the ceremony in ways that are more meaningful to you. Rejection and rebellion isn't especially creative — and me, I'm mostly interested in the creative process. Saying "FUCK YOU, TRADITIONS!" only gets you out the door. It's a long walk to the altar.
Focusing on proactiveness and creativity works wonders for communication with family members, too. Instead of just hollaring, "But, Mom: I don't want a receiving line!" (which is you rejecting her), you can try "Mom, I've looked for a more engaging, fun way to interact with my guests — that's why we're getting a bouncy castle!" (Which is you agreeing with the idea of engaging with guests, and providing your solution.) Then you can stop arguing about what you don't want, and start building support for what you do want.
It's easy to be reactionary. It's much more difficult to stop griping about what you don't want, and dare to make your own plans.
UPDATE: This post isn't intended as some sort of massive slam on the Craiglist poster. The posting is a funny little rant, and it's not like the writer is alone in her frustrations. I'm not interested in slamming the author — rather, I'm interested in the ways in which it's easier to focus on what you don't want instead of focusing on creating something new. The Craigslist post is just one example thousands across the web.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Goddess Leonie | Creative Goddess said
I think the best any of us can do is make our lives, ceremonies, weddings and marriages be exactly what *we* need and want… and leaving everyone else what they need to do. Life just gets so much freer and easier and (omg!) happier that way
Kate said
I'll second that amen! So far, I'm finding that in creating my own (and my finace's own) style of wedding, we're really revisiting who we are and what's meaningful to us- individually and as a couple. It kind of feels like wedding therapy. The idea of being judged on a wedding you have put your heart and soul into and created based on who you are is kind of a scary prospect. But in the end, that's why we're all here, right? To say "nope, I'm doing it my way- and fuck you, judgement." It's just a waste of time to tear down anyone else's idea of a wedding, traditional or not. Let's just appreciate that we have the opportunity to build each other up and the courage to create our own zany, wacky, beautiful celebrations of love!
SH said
I actually loved the Craigslist rant, I gotta say. That being said, it's also an anonymous Craigslist posting. No one said that it's the only thing s/he's thinking about, and it's just a rant much like the rest of us have rants about anything in our lives. I think it's a little unfair to judge ths poster based on this one rant, saying she needs a drink or to get laid or to lay off. I'm sure s/he's a rational person.
But Ariel, you're right! Creating what you do want is much harder than just rejecting tradition for the sake of tradition, for sure. But that's also the fun part! At the end of the day, everyone wants their guests to feel welcome, the wedding to be meaningful, and the reception to be fun! "Tradition" is (in part) intended to ensure that, but it's not necessary.
Deb said
Not pretentious – frustrated! How many weddings have you been to where you were a captive audience being shuffled from one canned moment to the next (time to cut the cake – time to throw the bouquet – time to be here for this pic – time to…). I feel her pain and no judgment that she vented.
I think Ariel's point is dead-on though. The easy part is deciding what you DON'T want at your wedding – but you do have to identify what you don't want so you can focus on the things that you DO want. Give the craiglist venter a break and let her clear her head. Now it's up to her to think about what she'd like to do to have a meaningful, authentic event.
Carrie said
I think there may be something positive in deciding what you DON'T want. My biggest problem is that my list of "oh-my-god-that-would-be-awesomes" is a little overwhelming. If you're able to, in a constructive way, weed out the parts that AREN'T important or part of your style, it makes the "I-have-to-have-its" easier to decide on. I guess the key here is to do so in a positive, contemplative way instead of tearing down other people's different, but equally valid, ideas of what they want for themselves.
Cassie said
I actually read this craigslist post a long time ago (I admit I did a search for "wedding" in the best-of section) and I enjoyed it. But I also agree with Ariel. But before I read Ariel's response, as I read through the post this time around, I was thinking, "Ah, I'm not into churches either. That's why we selected our special offbeat venue! Ahh, we don't want 300 guests either, that's why our guest list is down to 80 and hopefully going lower! Oh, the single table is awful, I'm glad my wedding and the reception is structured in a different way…"
So Ariel, thanks for making me realize I have already been taking some constructive steps, but thanks even more for the reminder. I attended a "WIC-inspired" wedding this weekend, and I admit that afterward my FH and I whispered, "Yikes! We won't be having THAT or THAT at ours!" It's not necessarily healthy, and it's not necessarily nice, either.
jennifer said
Maybe she was just venting…sometimes you have to do that, you know? Get all the negative stuff out at once so you can focus on your other thoughts.
It's always risky posting your personal thoughts on the internet!
AynSavoy said
"…but you do have to identify what you don't want so you can focus on the things that you DO want."
I don't think this is necessarily true. While thoughts similar to those of the Craigslist poster certainly went through my head, when my fiance and I actually starting figuring out what we wanted our wedding to be, we just started from the ground up. What things are important to us? Friends, family, good music, good food, good beer, etc.
The "I definitely don't wants" really only come into play for me when someone (fiance, mother, caterer, etc) brings up what people will be EXPECTING from the event, and that's what I see in the rant, too: it's not just about bucking tradition, but also about not meeting people's expectations. THAT'S what's truly frustrating for me.
Not that building a wedding from the ground up is a free an easy process, of course. =p
Anya said
I soooo agree about the negative approach being wrong in life as well. It reminds me of Loyd Dobler (John Cusack in Say Anything) answering the question of what he wants to do with his life:"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed…"
Rosalie said
I agree, I liked the post, didn't think it was pretentious, yes it was a rant and rants aren't don't really help acheive much (apart from stress relief) it was a rejection of tradition, and as it was anonymous it was probably her way of releasing the frustration of what a traditional wedding can pose to someone who doesn't want one.
But then having said that of course Ariel is right! It's very easy to say what you don't want, I think I did that before deciding what we did want. The hard part for us (and I bet for the Craigslist writer) comes after and is the creation, like Ariel says, of what you and your partner want your wedding to be.
I read the post at a good point in wedding planning when I was pretty much fed up of it and it gave me a chuckle. I saw it as a take what you want from tradition and don't worry about not having what everyone else has.
Heather said
Ariel is spot on. Creating a wedding that personalizes the two people getting married is a daunting affair. But I would argue that it is the RIGHT way of doing it. It is kind of like couple's therapy; it's a chance to reexamine the most important parts of your relationship, and how you express them.
That said, I think the reality of planning a wedding is more complicated. People have to start off with some kind of template, or they get overwhelmed. I've been in so many weddings over the years (I play the cello) that I take full responsibility for playing the 'No!' game. But that's because I'm trying to find something I like to stand on. Once I find that, it's all about what expresses me and my beau the best.
I'm sure there are many artist brides out there that see a blank page and can create something totally theirs from it. But when it comes to your everyday semi-creative bride (or groom, or whoever's planning), having a framework to jump off from makes the whole thing seem more manageable.
So there you go. Just remember that you can adapt and weed without being negative. And that's what Ariel's message truly is, I think.
Ariel said
Thanks for all the comments, everyone.
Just to clarify: this is so NOT a slam on the original posting. I totally get that it's a lighthearted rant that lots of us will relate to. It's just one of thousands (hundreds of thousands?) of rants like this across the web. I gots nuthin' personally against ranters — I'm just saying that ranting is the easy part and that the real creative work comes when you quit focusing on what you don't want and shift your focus to creating something new.
I don't think the original poster is pretentious or mean or rude or off-base. I just think ranting about weddings only gets you so far, and the stuff that comes AFTER is always both more interesting and more difficult.
Scurrilous Jen said
I really think Ariel was using the (admittedly hilarious) Craigslist post simply as a jumping-off point for the bigger picture here: it is easier to say what you don't like than build your own wedding.
Why? Because saying you don't like someone else's stuff makes sense, but how do you create your own meaningful event by going around looking at other people's stuff? I admit it: it's been HARD for me to create this wedding and imbue it with personal elements. One, I'm not the most creative person and two, God bless 'im, but my FH is squarer than SpongeBob.
It really wasn't about the Craigslist post – that's just a great example to use for her actual point.
Scurrilous Jen said
Oh, fine – come in and clarify while I'm typing, Ariel.
Linda said
A brilliant observation and attitude, Ariel. This is not just a lesson for wedding planning but one for life.
Here's what I learned in 30+ years of teaching owners how to work with their dogs – it's easy, often automatic and absolutely fruitless to only say "NO!" There are thousands of "NO's" in the world (for dogs and people alike) and fewer and often less obvious "yes's." Do the work, find the "yes's" and keep those in the forefront of everything you do. It works and makes your life and relationships a hell of a lot more positive. And a healthy understanding that you can't control other's behavior, only your response, goes a long way too.
As for our wedding, FH and I are planning it like a fun party with our best friends and loved ones. Oh, and there will be a marriage ceremony to kick off the festivities. Because that works for us. And here's to whatever works for you – cheers!
MidwestElle said
I completely agree with you, but I also understand where the craigslist person's coming from.
I agree with about half of what that person wrote, as my wedding will be lacking some traditional features, and can understand why they wouldn't want the rest.
But, at the end of the day, if you don't want it all, then don't have it! Ha! I also find weddings boring. They're pretty, they're lovely, they're boring. Do what you want, afterall!
Interesting. I find it fascinating that people rant on Craigslist. What an odd spot to do that.
jx said
Ariel's comments about this nails-it-on-the-head rant remind me of hearing my middle son say to my younger son "stop whining and DO something about it!"
yes – it's easy to identify what you dislike about what other people do/plan/have/have done but much harder to make your own choices, think independently, and DO SOMETHING about it. that's why I love OBB and OBBT – you're all individuals, not the proverbial Wedding Lemmings that follow the WIC and other people's expectations. if you WANT an uber-traditional-over-the-top wedding – have it and LOVE IT! if you want a bouncy castle, your best male college friend as flower girl, a handfasting, an Islamic honey ritual, an Apache wedding prayer, tatooed wedding rings and Fleuvog boots – have it and LOVE IT! it's really about celebrating a union, a marriage, and how you celebrate is up to you.
it's harder to build a unique, personal event rather than just choosing white or ivory, chicken or fish, tux or black suit. I commend everyone who puts in the effort !!
Anonymous said
This is what I keep running into. With every damn thing.
I know what I don't like and what I don't want. I know who I'm NOT. I know what he and I together are not.
But I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what he and I will grow to be. I don't know what suits us enough to be worth pissing off two families and three generations. And that's why wedding planning makes me curl up into a ball and have a good cry roughly once every six weeks.
ande parlow said
For me the most amazing thing about planning our wedding was that I would say "hey lets do this" and he would give me that look-the one that said I am uncomfortable with that. I found out more about his boundaries and what he really cherished (who knew he really wanted a bride in a white dress??? i mean I never expected that). We got really good at compromise and, being a taurus, that is something I am not always good at. I love the fact that I found out about his music preferences more than I knew already and he found out that I think really well on my feet and can budget like a mad woman.
I walked away from our wedding, not only with a new last name and a man who makes me feel more like me than anyone ever, but with a better appreciation for who he is and why he makes this relationship so grand. Our wedding was indeed lile someone said earlier, wedding therapy and I am so grateful having had the experience!
Amy said
I love it. It's actually hilarious. Because we have all been there and after many weddings Jonathon and I have left going I didn't like this or that, but instead I'd like this or that.
But at least she knows what she does want… and that is cake. And who can blame a person for wanting cake. Especially yummy cake? Seriously.
LOL. But it made my day.
kate witthaus said
i think that, for some of us, the No No No rant is part of a necessary process. you have to barf up all the frustration and bile you have built up about standard weddings in order to take a fresh look at the structure of a wedding and take back what you like.
but you also have to recognize that jordan almonds wrapped in tulle make some people very happy. and let 'em be happy.
ShiloM said
I think we're all still too focused on this little brat attitude of "I want, I want, I want!" "It's MY special day and I'll cry if I want to!". Offbeat bride used to be about more then just a different coloured dress and now it kinda just seems like it's the same wedding industry but "alternative" style with still all the trappings of consumerism and a false-sense of "personal" identity. So you know what I want?
I want to be able to whisper I love you to my new husband and have him hear me even in a crowd. I want to share this day with my friends and family and not have what I purchased and how I put it together be what's talked about most.
I want people to leave my wedding and not say: "Wow she has such great style, that wedding was beautiful", but instead: "Wow, they are so in love I've never seen anyone more suited to one another! I can't believe those two freaks finally found each other!"
Onibunny said
I used to define my life like this.
"I don't want… It can't be… I don't like"
With much help from my FH I've been able to realize you cannot define your life, or in this case wedding, by what you don't want. I have found that knowing what you want can come at a price, however. My mother wanted to be part of the planning of the wedding, and I wanted her to be as well, but in a much more passive role than she was willing to accept. Now, because I know what I want she wants nothing to do with the process, and it makes me really sad. Mostly because she says things like, "oh I don't care" when I ask her what she thinks of something like should I just cancel and have a courthouse ceremony or, "I haven't given it much thought" when I ask her what she's thought about wearing. Because she has no control she is uninterested in being a part of the planning. She Hates our wedding, our concept, our venue, my dress, everything. I am sticking to my guns and doing what I want, but I still want my mom to be happy and enjoy herself. It seems I can only choose one.
Laura said
THIS! Post was perfectly timed.
Weddings have generated much, "Do not want X," in me. Largely the negativity was a reaction against seeing things that my husband-to-be and I are temperamentally ill suited for. Much like the Craig's List post – which I did laugh over because of the familiar sentiments expressed in it.
It was only recently that I said to myself, "I really need to stop thinking about what we DON'T want, and focusing on what we DO want." I'm finding that constructing a wedding concept from the bottom-up, rather than top down, makes me much happier.
Kirsten said
ShiloM, I'm a little put off by your comment, simply because you've referred to OBBers as "brats" for listing their wants — and then you've listed what YOU want.
That's great; that's what Ariel is suggesting that we do, rather than talking too much about what we DON'T want. But in your comment, you seem to be placing the things that you want from your wedding on a pedestal, ignoring that other people's wants might be just as important to them as your wish for simplicity and quietude at your wedding.