Weddings for shy people
Ceremony Advice, Reception Advice
By
on March 04, 2009
49 Responses
My fiance and I have been putting off the entire wedding largely because we are both pretty shy, introverted people. We're both are very anxious about being the center of attention. Besides cutting down the guest list, do you have any brilliant ideas for how we can pull this off without getting ulcers from stage fright? -Anwen
If you're terrified about your ceremony, the key is going to be having a great officiant. Someone who can absorb all that stage-fright for you, and really take command over the space. Someone, maybe, who might even speak about zombies.
Also, keep your vows super short and sweet. Instead of memorizing them, have your officiant do "repeat after me" vows.
You may also want to do what we did and schedule some time just the two of you immediately after the ceremony. You can read more about this in my book.
Avoid having either of you make formalized speeches, and do what you can to keep the number of toasts low. Ask two friends or family members to do toasts and then stand up and say "Thank you!" and turn up the music so it's clear the time for toasts is dunzo.
Keep the tone of the wedding light and casual: less formal = less cause for freak-outs.
Also, make liberal use of what I call "The I Love You Break." Here's how it works:
Decide on a secret signal with your fiance: an ear tug, scratch of the nose, squeeze of the hand, whatever. Stick close to each other for the entire day, and whenever one of you starts get getting overwhelmed or anxious, give the signal.
Then, the other partner should politely step in and say "Excuse us for a moment" or gently place a hand on the other's cheek. Then just stare into each other's eyes and both whisper "I love you I love you I love you" for as long as it takes to calm down a bit.
Sure: what you really want to do is grab each other's hands and run screaming from the room. But while that might freak your guests out ("where are they going? and why are they screaming??") taking an "I love you" break will make your guests be all, "OMG look at them so madly in love, this is the most touching wedding evar, snorfle sniffle sob."
Meanwhile, the two of you get a quiet moment together to just stop and breath and chill out and ignore for a second that your friends and family are all there to tell you how much they love you. And do remember: all eyes are on you because they're there to support you.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Lani said
Haaa! Love the PS. Those are good for non-shy people too.
riesmo said
thank you so much for this post – i'm not a fan of crowds, and my partner is super shy. we're having a small wedding, and microscopicly short ceremony, but can use all the help we can get for stress management on the 'big day.' one thing we focused on early on is to make sure each of us feels really good about what we're wearing so we're as comfortable as possible with all those eyes on us.
Rashni!! said
We are both really uncomfortable with the big aisle and vow to do, so we're doing a private courthouse wedding a year before. We're planning on doing a reception with a short time in the beginning where we do our vows in front of our family. The officiant and our parents/best friends can say a few words about us and we'll all sit down to eat! So much less stressful.
Yay for shy people!
Sarah TX said
Oh lordy lordy, I am super-shy and so is my husband. Here's what I did to forestall the Crowd Of People Anxiety Attack:
When the guests started arriving, I ran out and greeted them one-by-one with Hubby. Much easier than doing the receiving line afterward, or whatever people do nowadays.
We walked down the aisle together so I didn't have that "OMG EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT MEEE" moment.
We wrote our vows down and just read them. I don't think anyone cared, really.
Definitely with the alone time afterward! Our photographer tagged along and we got some great pictures of just the two of us, grinning like crazy people.
Basically, we thought of all the elements of a traditional wedding that freaked me out (the aisle! hiding the bride away until the last minute! memorized vows! a receiving line!) and decided not to do them. It'll be different for every person of course.
Cassie said
Awesome post! And thanks for the additional tips, Sarah TX.
My FH and I aren't shy, exactly, but we are certainly not center-of-attention lovers. I think this post is important because we read a lot about offbeat weddings that lean toward being big glorious products (musicals, bride and groom dance-offs, bride and groom performances, etc.) which is totally awesome but not something I could ever do myself.
We are planning to have our officiant do most of the talking during the ceremony (we'll write what he says, because like many introverts, we have no problem writing what we're thinking) and then hold the reception like any other regular party, where we mingle with everyone and are not in a spotlight or special table or something.
Oh, and I think Ariel's "p.s." was the most important part. When in doubt, drink champagne. Enough said.
jx said
creating activities for your reception that dont center on the happy couple is important. some people have outdoor activities, some people have board games. DONT let people do the tapping-you-glass-means-you-have-to-kiss thing. make people who do that have to wear a goofy hat or something, like Lani and Jamie did!
Kai said
"…Snorfle, sniffle, sob…"
Haha! That was great. Thanks for posting this =]
Roxie said
I'm definitleiy stealing the I love you break.
Ros said
noooooo don't drink the champagne if you're nervous!!!
I was a bundle of nerves when I was bridesmaid for my sister and was making a speech. I did a decent job on the speech but was way too drunk and went to bed early.
I've vowed to stay off the bubbly for my own day no matter how nervous I am!
Do you have Rescue Remedy in the U.S. ? http://www.rescueremedy.com/
Great for settling nerves!
Ms.NT said
We aren't shy, but we hate the idea of being the center of attention.
Here's what we're doing
1. walking down the "aisle" together
2. going straight into reception with our guests, no announcement
3. no cake cutting
4. no first dances
5. having a mingling style reception, with no formal tables or plated dinner, so our guest's attention will be spent walking and talking.
6. only one toast. i really, really want to have none. but my finance's father would never forgive us. i might throw up while he's talking though. or at least make a cringe face. i'll try not to, but there's no guarantee.
Sandee said
This is a picture from my wedding! Cool!
emily said
i'd like to add, in addition to the "ps" that flower essences can be so great for shyness, or overwhelm. i wouldnt describe myself as shy per se, but i expect to be over being the center of attention and i plan to make myself a formula for the day. For shy people, i'd recommend: Larch, Mimulus, violet, water violet.
Sarah said
I love the idea of the 'I Love You' break. I'm not shy, but I do get social anxiety sometimes and am just generally neurotic. This seems like a great way to combat that – and not just at weddings.
cindy said
My husband and I are not exactly extroverts either, so we did a JOP wedding and had the reception in the same room (it was a community theatre/art gallery). Right after the VERY short ceremony, we left for a couple of minutes and braced ourselves for lots of talking…good thing we did because we didn't get another moment of peace for the rest of the night. And, considering I am painfully shy, it went well.
isidri said
Ditto the extroverted officiant (ours, the friend who introduced us, is probably the biggest attention-whore I know) (and I say that with love). We wrote the ceremony, so it was our thoughts on marriage being delivered, but our speaking part was limited to "I do."
Cut the guest list to the bone. 50 people you know and love is less scary than a throng that includes your parents' tax preparer.
Also, no first dance. I didn't have a problem with walking down the aisle and generally being the center of attention all night, but the idea of doing the clutch-n-sway with 45 people staring at us gave me the major squicks. We skipped it, and if anyone noticed, they didn't mention it.
Meg said
Or elope! Or have a teensy wedding with just family. I know I'm stating the obvious a bit here, but I feel like there can be pressure to go bigger, so it might be worth saying.
If the idea of a big wedding makes you feel sad and stressed, skip it. My family is enjoying my big-ish wedding now, since I'm the extrovert. My sister is a super introvert, so we figure if she gets married it will be just family and very close friends because anything else would stress her the heck out.
I love the 'I Love You' break too. Love.
Sally said
Thanks so much for this! So much of wedding planning seems geared to the "Look at meeeeee!" side of things. I hate being the center of attention, and your wedding day seems to be the pinnacle of that! I like all the advice here, and I thought I'd add that we're also skipping the 'bridal table' we are just plonking ourselves on a table amongst our guests. Which means we get to spend more time with them as well.
Kathy said
I know a couple who got married entirely in private on the beach — just them and the officiant. And then had a kick-ass reception with all their friends and family afterwards.
Monika said
I ditto the small ceremony bit. My FH and I having our ceremony with only our officiant (his grandmother) and our two best friends. Afterward, we're going to dinner including our parents and the following day we're having a ceremony with all of the people who would feel left out if they weren't involved (ie cousins, uncles, friends, grandparents…). Everyone gets included, but only to the extent that we're comfortable with.
Laura said
My fiance and I are also both not thrilled about being the center of attention. The most important part of keeping my sanity is remembering that this is not going to be a perfect day. Because for it to be a perfect day, I would have to be a perfect person, and I'm not up to that. Don't just tell yourself that you don't need to be perfect–make sure you take this attitude toward every part of your wedding planning. (I'm looking for a hotographer who will leave us with very nice pictures, not perfect pictures.)
Also, try to identify the things that make you most uncomfortable when you witness them in other people's weddings, and avoid them at all costs. It's about priorities, right? So for us, that meant the photographer needs to remain at the very back of the church during the entire ceremony (we want to feel like we're participating in a sacred rite, not like we're on display), and there will be no DJ announcing us (or doing anything else, for that matter). We're willing to compromise on other elements if our families want, but these are (two examples of) the things that we're really firm about.
Sarah said
Shy person here!
The thought of walking down an aisle was an awful one. We eliminated that entirely…we had all of our guests wait for a signal and had all of THEM walk up the 'aisle' to us. Much better!
And there were only 17 people. That helped.
Sarah said
I am amazed by the 'I love you break'. That gave me shivers, I can imagine it working so perfectly…
Steph said
You are my hero. Chris and I have been biting our nails, wondering how exactly we're going to handle this… and you're now Chris' hero, too! I think we'll be stealing that excellent little bit about zombies
Thank you!!!!
Fae said
I'm definitely an introvert, and I really wasn't enjoying the thought of actually saying vows in front of people. But, y'know, once we were up there, I didn't think about anyone else at all. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected.
Ashilleong said
"The thought of walking down an aisle was an awful one. We eliminated that entirely…we had all of our guests wait for a signal and had all of THEM walk up the 'aisle' to us. Much better!"
Sarah, this is seriously freaking cool!