That being said, we don't want to elope and we get along fine with each other's immediate family members. We've decided to keep the ceremony very small (6 other people as witnesses). Also, we are both very individualistic people and are having no officiant (thank goodness the state of Kansas allows common-law marriage), we are declaring ourselves married on that day in accordance with our beliefs. This would offend his extended family anyway, so it's for the best that they won't be attending the ceremony.

So, who do i send reception invites to? We are planning two wedding receptions: one in Kansas and one on the west coast (where my decent family members live). Can i just make an announcement of our marriage after the fact? What about registries? Do i have to give it up?

Thanks, and i hope that wasn't TLDR >_<

But, considering the other person's feelings doesn't mean giving in one way or the other.

Now sure, you can't just freeze your inlaws out unless they are legitimately cruel and estranged, and maybe that's what you were getting at, Ariel. But instead of focusing how Anonymous can steer the inlaw boat for both her and her fiance, why not focus on the kind of role her partner wants for his family in the wedding, or the role he wants his family to play in their life as a family, and how she can help them both move toward that?

What if the other family does not speak English, and one only does? There's some bilingualism on both sides, but you're talking rural Quebec and rural France meets rural England and rural Canada. Besides that, both families are intensely snobbish – which means the wedding is very expensive and we are not footing the bill – and proud of their heritage and language! Our extended families have been extraordinarily important to raising us and know us both very well.

It's not a matter of getting along with them (we're both trilingual), it's a matter of actually having the two large, proud families communicate with each other. Both of them believe that their culture is the best and on a point of pride refuse to communicate, even to say Bonjour or Thank you. We thought about each coaching the other family to say easy words or emphasising the music and ceremony – so that they are listening or watching rather than talking. Or building in some sort of activity to prevent any kind of segregation…

I mean, it's the same thing – if you don't feel your in-laws will get along, then what are your options? Two weddings? Elopement? Private – friends only instead of family?

In my case, I like my in-laws quite a bit though I am not extremely comfortable with them and don't think they are completely warmed up to me. They did offer right away to host the rehearsal dinner and went crazy with the food when I suggested a "picnic" lunch with bbq from a wonderful place near their house. There was a row of crockpots with fantastic smells and several homemade desserts flanking the ends. We also put them in charge of bringing the gear and setting up the picture slideshow as fiance's dad tries to be as much of a geek as his sons.