Comments on: Love the fiance, love the in-laws

By: Orb

Orb — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 22:38:04 +0000

I truly wish it was that easy… I have to say that I have the same issue here. My fiance's family is great; really. His little brother is somewhat friends with my own, being the same age. And his mom is so nice and friendly. But his dad? …
Oh, geez…how to put it nicely.
I'll just be honest. His family stopped eating dinner together when my fiance was 8 years old because his father is so mismannered, inconsiderate, and a foul-mouthed idiot that they couldn't deal with it anymore. He has a horrible case of diabetes, can't take care of himself, is an avid smoker, and an alcoholic. He doesn't even CARE that he is just killing himself.
Now I am one of those "God's last name is NOT dammit" kind of people, and I glare at those who purposely curse, especially when they use swears incorrectly. The "F" word is a verb, not an adjective. >.>
His father is a good guy, I'm sure. But he's also the reason why my fiance's mom is unemployed. Their entire family has to take out their own social security to feed themselves everyday. And of course, they end up spending it on video games and televisions. >.>
His mom takes care of his dad, making sure that he doesn't suffocate when he passes out in the bathroom. He has a reserved space at the local hospital because he's there nearly twice a week.
I want to say something positive, but even my fiance (and the rest of his family) don't appreciate anything he does, because there's nothing to appreciate.
I also can't stand the smell of smoke. My little brother is so against it, he would yell at you for it. But my fiance's dad has actually tried to influence him to smoke and drink–as a minor. My fiance is still in high school…he graduates this year, but he's only eighteen.
But he knows I will dump him faster than the speed of light if he ever picked up ANY kind of drug. He has his stupid video games; it doesn't need to get worse.
I feel so…resentful for not wanting his dad there…I wish there was an excuse for him not to go. T~T If he can't be around his own family without being a hassle, then why should I want him at my amazingly-awesome wedding? I KNOW it's his dad, but I have THREE dads, and only one of them is probably allowed to come!
Is this such a horrible thing to do? T~T

By: Samantha

Samantha — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 21:27:47 +0000

I thought I'd offer the perspective of someone who does not get along with their inlaws at all and DID try to include them.

When my husband and I got married, we tried to do the right thing and make sure my MIL was included in the planning process. It backfired completely on us.

My MIL had made it very clear, prior to the wedding that she despised me (including phoning my mum to tell her how much she disliked me), and took everything I didn't do exactly as she wanted as a personal affront. Including her in the planning caused a lot of extra stress on my husband's and my parts, especially since a lot of her demands were things we felt were not reasonable for us (such as changing the date because she didn't like it, wanting me to convert to another religion, wanting a different venue/colour/officiant, etc).

In the end, she showed up over two hours late and missed our ceremony, would not allow any pictures to be taken, caused a scene at the reception, and finally left in a huff. My husband was heartbroken because, for reasons I don't understand, he always expects the best from his family. If we had it to do over, we would have excluded them, as we have done with any functions since.

It's worth weighing if you don't like your inlaws because they're a little odd or they make you uncomfortable because they're different from you or if you are truly concerned that they're going to cause a scene. We should have taken that into account, rather than just doing the "right thing".

If you're in this situation, have a serious talk with your fiancÃ© as to why you are uncomfortable with his family. It's very easy to overlook something because someone IS family and that can lead to a lot of trouble. It's worth a couple frank discussions, rather than years of resentment.

For what it's worth, my inlaws have not spoken to me in four years and have not seen me in two, but my husband and I remain happily married. It is possible to be with someone and not like their family!

By: Dana

Dana — Sat, 29 May 2010 11:24:24 +0000

I get married in three weeks, and until the announcement of our handfasting, his father and I got on amazingly! Because we're 18 (the fact we've been engaged for two years is completely ignored) his father, along with his grandparents, and even his great grandmother, have all been VERY vocal about the fact they don't want it to go ahead, which has included calling me every name under the sun. Because of the fact his father has been so nasty and horrible (lying, stirring, you name it hes tried it), we are yet to send an invite until he pulls his head in. I know my partner loves his father, but he doesn't want the drama and doesn't really want his father there knowing he will start something. He has blatently said he doesn't want to come, but still demands an invite. What do we do?!

By: rella

rella — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 04:22:58 +0000

I would love to say that I get alone well with my future husband's family but the thing is, he does not like his family and there is a lot of bad blood between them. He gets alone well with my family enough. I would like to include both of our families on our wedding day however he does not. How would you go along planning a wedding without his family being involved or even attending the wedding? I don't want there to be any hatred between his family and I but at the same time, I do not want to go against my fiance's wishes.

By: Anonymous #2

Anonymous #2 — Sat, 02 May 2009 23:08:40 +0000

My partner and i are getting married in less than a year, and we still haven't figured out the invitation situation. My family is spread across the country (Washington, Oregon, Michigan, Missouri) and his are for the most part in Kansas, where we both currently live. He is the black sheep of his large family and my extended family (except for 4 people) couldn't care less about what's going on in my life.

That being said, we don't want to elope and we get along fine with each other's immediate family members. We've decided to keep the ceremony very small (6 other people as witnesses). Also, we are both very individualistic people and are having no officiant (thank goodness the state of Kansas allows common-law marriage), we are declaring ourselves married on that day in accordance with our beliefs. This would offend his extended family anyway, so it's for the best that they won't be attending the ceremony.

So, who do i send reception invites to? We are planning two wedding receptions: one in Kansas and one on the west coast (where my decent family members live). Can i just make an announcement of our marriage after the fact? What about registries? Do i have to give it up?

Thanks, and i hope that wasn't TLDR >_<

By: Mary Beth

Mary Beth — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:03:18 +0000

I disagree. Take your lead from your partner. And, your partner should be supportive of your feelings. It's nice to think that we're only marrying our boychick/girlchick, but the truth is it really is also a union of families – even if only as defined by their absence. If the two people uniting their lives don't consider each other's needs in this, too, it doesn't bode well for the future, I think.

But, considering the other person's feelings doesn't mean giving in one way or the other.

By: Ariel

Ariel — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 15:09:57 +0000

Oh absolutely, m: ultimately it's up to both partners to plan ALL aspects of the wedding together. I wasn't intending to say "It's your job alone to figure this out," but rather, "it's your job to accept your in-laws because your partner loves 'em."

By: m

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 01:44:59 +0000

I disagree–I don't think it's the bride's job to figure out how to include her inlaws in the wedding. It's her partner's job to figure out how to include his or her own parents. It's not my job to take over mediating my husband's interactions with his parents just by virtue of marrying him. I manage our interactions with my parents and he does the same for his. I'm not the social secretary.

Now sure, you can't just freeze your inlaws out unless they are legitimately cruel and estranged, and maybe that's what you were getting at, Ariel. But instead of focusing how Anonymous can steer the inlaw boat for both her and her fiance, why not focus on the kind of role her partner wants for his family in the wedding, or the role he wants his family to play in their life as a family, and how she can help them both move toward that?

By: Sharla

Sharla — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 13:49:25 +0000

Great post, Ariel. My future in-laws are so very different from me that it is easy to see them as annoying, weird, boring, etc. They're really not. They love my FH and they have done a lot to make me feel part of the family. I am doing what I can to include EVERYONE in both families!

By: Marion

Marion — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 02:24:16 +0000

I'm in an entirely different boat… my in-laws love me and my family adores him, and while our parents get along crackingly well…

What if the other family does not speak English, and one only does? There's some bilingualism on both sides, but you're talking rural Quebec and rural France meets rural England and rural Canada. Besides that, both families are intensely snobbish – which means the wedding is very expensive and we are not footing the bill – and proud of their heritage and language! Our extended families have been extraordinarily important to raising us and know us both very well.

It's not a matter of getting along with them (we're both trilingual), it's a matter of actually having the two large, proud families communicate with each other. Both of them believe that their culture is the best and on a point of pride refuse to communicate, even to say Bonjour or Thank you. We thought about each coaching the other family to say easy words or emphasising the music and ceremony – so that they are listening or watching rather than talking. Or building in some sort of activity to prevent any kind of segregation…

I mean, it's the same thing – if you don't feel your in-laws will get along, then what are your options? Two weddings? Elopement? Private – friends only instead of family?