Love the fiance, love the in-laws
Posted by Ariel · Advice

I think there needs to be a caveat on this post. It's one thing if it's just dislike but they're still actively and regularly involved in your fiancé(e)'s life. It's another thing if they're horrible nasty people that you're both better off without. I'm a big fan of reconciliation but every now and again estrangements happen for a valid and worthwhile reason.

This is a good post, Ariel. Thanks. I actually LOVE my in-laws, but I do think sometimes we forget that for some families, and in some traditions, weddings are seen as a big celebration of family, not just a joining of two people. I was shocked and not a little annoyed when my own parents had some extremely strong opinions about what should happen at our wedding, and then my mother in law started chiming in with her thoughts too. I had to take a deep breath and realize, "hey, this is about them too," and really concentrate on what they were asking for and how I could incorporate them in meaningful ways that ensured that they felt included and loved and essential to the ritual of our wedding.
I know this is not the case in every family, but I definitely realized that for our two families, the wedding is definitely not just about us, and also that playing my cards right at the wedding (in terms of involving and opinion asking and attitude) would be a great way to set myself up for future harmonious relations with my in laws!

I really only have the Mother In Law to deal with really (his dad buggered off when he was two and hasn't seen him since, good riddance!), but me and the MIL get on like a house on fire! His uncles are nice to, though I don't like the way they casually take the mick, but he just shrugs it off and gives it back!
FH does get a bit ansy around my mum (who can be a bit much sometimes), but generally he gets on really well with my family. I'm really lucky actually!

I am a big believer in the power of the corsage. It's just a small thing to wear, but it lets everyone know: "Hey there, I'm someone special–I'm related to the Groom!"

We are also letting all immediate family on both sides walk down the aisle–that way everyone gets a moment to be noticed and included, but we the ceremony is just us and the officiant.

I think this is the kind of situation that makes the "this is my/our day" philosophy not make sense to me. I mean, yes, it totally is–but I think the subtext is "and my/our day only" which is only true if you're eloping and never telling anybody about it. I mean, it's your life, but that doesn't mean you can do whatever you want without any repercussions.

I'd expand Ariel's statement–"you have to include them in your wedding" IF you want to include them in your life, and you have to include them in your life IF you want to include your fiance in your life. Which you probably do, what with the marrying him bit.

Hmm, this is a tricky one. I think you should only include them as much as you feel comfortable with. Yes, the day involves family too, but in the end it is for the two of you and you have to be happy with how things are going and what people are doing. Sounds like Ariel struck just the right compromise -presumably the Tibetan bowl and ring boy were things she wanted anyway!

We also haven't heard from anyone who perhaps the fiance doesn't like/get along with their family. If that is the case, surely you wouldn't include them anymore than he/she wanted.

In my case, I like my in-laws quite a bit though I am not extremely comfortable with them and don't think they are completely warmed up to me. They did offer right away to host the rehearsal dinner and went crazy with the food when I suggested a "picnic" lunch with bbq from a wonderful place near their house. There was a row of crockpots with fantastic smells and several homemade desserts flanking the ends. We also put them in charge of bringing the gear and setting up the picture slideshow as fiance's dad tries to be as much of a geek as his sons.

Great post, Ariel. My future in-laws are so very different from me that it is easy to see them as annoying, weird, boring, etc. They're really not. They love my FH and they have done a lot to make me feel part of the family. I am doing what I can to include EVERYONE in both families!

Oh absolutely, m: ultimately it's up to both partners to plan ALL aspects of the wedding together. I wasn't intending to say "It's your job alone to figure this out," but rather, "it's your job to accept your in-laws because your partner loves 'em."

My partner and i are getting married in less than a year, and we still haven't figured out the invitation situation. My family is spread across the country (Washington, Oregon, Michigan, Missouri) and his are for the most part in Kansas, where we both currently live. He is the black sheep of his large family and my extended family (except for 4 people) couldn't care less about what's going on in my life.

That being said, we don't want to elope and we get along fine with each other's immediate family members. We've decided to keep the ceremony very small (6 other people as witnesses). Also, we are both very individualistic people and are having no officiant (thank goodness the state of Kansas allows common-law marriage), we are declaring ourselves married on that day in accordance with our beliefs. This would offend his extended family anyway, so it's for the best that they won't be attending the ceremony.

So, who do i send reception invites to? We are planning two wedding receptions: one in Kansas and one on the west coast (where my decent family members live). Can i just make an announcement of our marriage after the fact? What about registries? Do i have to give it up?

Thanks, and i hope that wasn't TLDR >_<