When to stop looking at wedding porn
Philosophizing
By
on March 18, 2009
58 Responses
Thanks to Lauren Lemon for submitting this to the Offbeat Bride pool
Photo by Brittany Rae Photography based in Maine
I've written before about my decisions around calling the pictures of real weddings that I feature on this site "Wedding Porn." I consider the phrase a harmless, non-sexual twist on the voyeuristic thrill many folks planning their weddings get out of seeing other people's wedding ideas.
That said, I'm going to come out and admit that there IS one component of wedding porn that starts to feel just as unhealthy as typical porn: that's when lusting after some fantasy of what you could have starts to interfere with the reality of enjoying what you've got.
I see this when brides buy a dress, and then find another dress, and then pick a third dress because they keep seeing dresses they like online. I see it when people come up with five different wedding themes over the course of two months, and still can't quiiite decide. I read it between the lines of commenters who's enthusiasm for someone else's wedding starts to slip over the edge from inspiration ("ooh, I might want to integrate something like that in my wedding") to duplication ("I MUST HAVE THOSE EXACT SHOES WHERE DID YOU GET THEM TELL ME NOW NOW NOW!")
It worries me a little...
WHERE DID SHE GET THE BOOTS I MUST HAVE THEM RIGHT NOW
To me this is just as unfortunate as someone watching porn and thinking, "Hmm, those hairless pink plasticky genitals look way cuter than my partner's package ... maybe I should ask them to wax it all off, shine it up, and powder it with some glitter even though they're kind of more the granola bush type?"
Sorry: no more porn theory, but what I'm talking about here is fetishization — when things slip over from inspiration to fixation. I don't want wedding porn to be the unattainable weird fantasies that keep you up at night with frustrated longing. I don't want people to scrap their perfectly lovely plans because they saw something else, something better, something MORE on my silly wedding website.
My goal with this site has always been to focus on general inspiration. This isn't a shopping blog where every day there's a new link to click to buy some wedding accessory that will make your special daaaaaaay more perfect and tasteful. It's just a collection of real folks doing their real best to cobble together weddings that reflect who they really are.
If looking at Offbeat Bride ever makes you feel disappointed in yourself, or like your wedding doesn't quite stack up, or like you're not offbeat enough — please, please PLEASE, remind yourself that your wedding is not a contest. No fetishes necessary. Turn off your computer and go hug your partner and tell them how much you love then and how excited you are to celebrate that with your family and friends.
Offbeat Bride's wedding porn is here to inspire and delight — not ever to make you feel dissatisfied, unworthy, or disappointed in yourself.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Amy said
I think the internet has made more brides (and I am guilty of it too from time to time) worry that their wedding won't be good enough to be plastered on a thousand blogs as the coolest wedding since forever. Occasionally, I'll catch myself thinking well my this wasn't cool enough to get recognition it must suck. But then I remember this wedding isn't about the 500 million people reading blogs. It's about me and fiance and my friends and family. It should be special to us not the whole world. People for get that. I forget that, and then I remember. Oh hey, that great guy with the goofy face playing video games in front of me… yeah that's why I'm doing this.
Jill said
I love some Marx with my coffee.
Very good point, Ariel. It's so easy to turn your wedding into a commodity, a product, a show — even if you're "offbeat".
I try to look at the wedding porn not as a way to shop around (I want my wedding to reflect who my partner and I are, not how "cool" we can pretend to be) but as a reminder that everyone's wedding is DIFFERENT. In other words, I don't get my thrills out of the one particular pair of shoes that are catching on at the OBT or the button lapels that everyone is making, but out of the amazing variety of choices that there are out there.
There are no right answers, and no perfect choices! Only YOURS!
Ashley said
Ariel.
I've been avoiding OBT for this very reason. I started second guessing all my decisions because I saw something else I liked MORE.
OBB and OBT has helped me SOOOOO much in the early planning stages, serving up endless inspiration and support. But now that I'm two months out, and can't make any more changes, I've stopped looking at other people's experiences and focused on creating my own.
Ariel said
Ashley, I totally support that decision. Good for you for finding the balance!
april said
Ariel, that the was brilliance. And I SO needed to read it today.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with planning and while I luuuuuurve looking at wedding planning blogs and seeing photos of other fun, funky, lovely couples that had equally fun, funky and lovely weddings, it DOES start to make me feel a little, well, wigged out quite frankly.
Are me and the boy doing too much? Too little? Should I hire that straight-outta-college media student to videotape our wedding knowing the end result could either be complete crap or, quite possibly, complete magic? Or should I go for the tried and trusted vendor that has loads of satisfied testimonials on his website? Should I buy my wedding jewelry from Etsy? Or maybe I should just borrow from friends? But I saw a gorgeous, sparkly pair of earrings at MACY'S for an ungodly amount of $$$$ bu they're sparkly. =/
You see where I'm going.
So, thank you for the Wednesday morning slap upside the head. I needed it. And how.
Wendy said
Ariel,
I totally get what you are saying here. It's way too easy to get sucked in. But I actually think OBB has made me feel better about my wedding. It's great to see that not wearing white or ivory or even a standard wedding dress is a great thing. And using vintage, plastic or paper tablecloths, buying decorations, clothing, dishes and silverware at thrift shops or dollar stores is applauded, DIY is A-OK and, most importantly, that your wedding is more about you and your partner than how you can one-up the bride before you.
I love the porn and have drawn a lot of inspiration from it and the couples behind it.
Ness said
I completely agree. I love seeing the offbeat ways people make their wedding their own. I also like the support of DIY projects and support. My Wedding is my Fiancee and mine alone. I'm not changing anything about it, even seeing all the awesome options there are out there.
Traci said
I love your philosophy on weddings–it's 100% true. It's why I knew I had to elope–I would have TOTALLY been sucked in to wishing for a fantasy there's no way I could have afforded. Thanks for always being a breath of fresh air!
Sharyn said
SO TIMELY! I just remarked yesterday that I've become utterly obsessed w/wedding blogs. I have replanned my wedding in my head 100 times, even though most of the large things are set in stone, and I've begun to feel bad, that my wedding isn't "good enough." Thanks for the reality check.
Jen J said
Hello.
I think the wedding fixation can get kinda scary. I've taken a very laid back approach to mine, and get a little scared of the people that get THAT into it. Some people really do make it feel like a competition.
This all being said, thank you for doing all these profiles and showing photos from other weddings. Whenever I'm feeling a little stressed about everything, I come on here and just reading about everyone else's lovely days and it gives me support for planning my own!
Cheers!!!
Jen
Erin said
I couldn't agree more. In the past few weeks I've stopped following a few wedding blogs I read for months, and in the last week or so I'm skimming more and more of what before I read in much more detail.
I've been off work for about a week, and now that I'm able to focus more time and energy on *my* wedding, I'm much less interested in looking at other people's. We're also at a point in the planning process where I have a good idea of what I'd like, and now I have the resources to point FH towards those things for his opinion.
Cat said
Oh. My. Goodness!
Thank you thank you thank you! I really needed this today!
Even though I'm still in what can only be called the embryonic stages of wedding planning (no date just a month and a year, no wedding party, no location, no "theme", just tons and tons of ideas), I actually had a mini-freak out last night. When I pulled into my driveway, I got out and just stood staring at our backyard thinking "Could I really have a wedding here? What about my neighbor's trampoline and trashy camper-under-a-tarp? What about the scrub in the no man's land between us & the other neighbor? What about….!?!" You get the idea. My fiance was waiting for me in the kitchen and asked what I was staring at, and when I told him, he just shook his head and said "You've been reading too much."
I think not knowing *exactly* what I want frightens me more than I know what to do with. I'm afraid I will fail, that the day won't be 100% ours, that somehow it will be less because I don't know all the things I feel I should know. And I should mention we're looking at October 2010!!!
By and large, I find all the wedding porn inspiring. I love love and always have, so I truly enjoy seeing how so many different couples have made their wedding day their own. But a part of me is scared.
And now, I feel better!
Tracy said
great post.
I think we all need a little reminder like this, especially when sifting through the myriads of amazing and creative ideas in the OBT. its good to take a break from it once in a while, to retain focus on *your* super funky awesome wedding ideas which reflect *you + your partner*, instead of pining over the things that don't jive with your lifestyles. you need to be able to make the distinction between 'hey, that ____ is cool, good for you!' and 'OMG thats teh shiz, why aren't I having that in MY wedding?!?'
Heather said
I think everyone reaches a point in wedding planning when they need to stop looking around and commit to the plans they've made… otherwise you'll constantly be finding "more" you want and you'll drive yourself crazy!
Helen said
Well now i am in a fix as i CAN'T see any more wedding porn. I Currently live in the middle east and the internet providers here see Flickr as some kind of eeevil website with too many naughty things to look at….. sigh! ill work out a way to get round it tho i am sure!
Suzanna said
Amen, Ariel!
I call it "weddingitis", cuz it'll take over me like a fever. It can even spill over to other people's events. "Well, have you thought about doing x,y, and z? And A-J? And and and and…?"
I heard someone say recently that we have no lack of information. It's experience we lack. They were talking about the need for kids to get into nature, but I think it applies here, too.
courtney said
When I got married for the first time 5 years ago, I had this same problem with wedding magazines. I ended up ripping them to shreds and throwing them away because I was driving myself insane. This time around, I'm just enjoying seeing everyone's creativity and how they're expressing their love for each other. I have had a couple moments of "must have!" but nothing that would put my wedding off track. Your post is perfect and will be a help to many, I am sure.
Elizabeth said
I did that with my wedding mags, too! I went through them, tore out what I wanted to keep (articles I liked, dress pics I liked, etc) and threw the rest of the magazines away. I wound up keeping maybe 20% of each of the three wedding magazines I bought. I was kind of appalled at the amount of the magazine that was just ads. It made me rethink my whole research process, and I started focusing on real weddings, and what made the couple feel more connected to each other and to their guests.
Stevie said
I couldn't agree more. I appreciate the inspiration and comraderie…. but the pressure some people feel just sucks. And my rule of thumb is this: At the end of the day, as long as you married the person (or people) you wanted your wedding was a success. And if something goes haywire at the reception/wedding/celebration it's okay… because you are celebrating your relationship every time you say I love you or smile at each other etc. The people who love you are celebrating it whenever they come to see you or do something nice or are inspired by you. And really… the rest is just sugar. Great in small doses. Beautiful in many cases. Coveted. But… can melt in the rain, stick to your shoes, attract flies, and rot your teeth.
Hibryd said
Let's be honest, this isn't anything new. Wedding magazines have always been 500 glossy pages of "Isn't this gorgeous? Don't you wish you could afford this? Why not splurge on this one thing?"
I'm doing a wedding on a budget and for the longest time I was trying to figure out why it was so hard. Normally I don't feel pressure like that – I don't lust after expensive cars or shoes, so why did I keep going back to the photos of an aquarium wedding and sighing?
My theory as to why normally practical, thrifty girls have a hard time saying "no" to themselves when it comes to weddings? Because we're supposedly only doing this once. We can easily pass on fancy vacations, expensive jewelry, and other luxuries because, in the back of our mind, we know that we have the option of getting them later if we change our mind. But a wedding is a one-shot thing. Girls who don't shoot for "perfection" in other areas of their life can get seduced by the "perfect" wedding because there is (hopefully) no do-over, no second chances, and whatever you get here will stay with you for the rest of your life.
So at some point I had to say to myself, yes, it would have been wonderful, but you can't afford to get married in an aquarium (or back-up fantasy choice, on a zeppelin), so how about you make the wedding you *can* afford as great as possible and drop the regrets.
Skye said
I think the whole point of a wedding is to create a memory FOR YOU. That memory can be simple or elaborate, but it should be all you. I've been in weddings where the bride was so hung up about getting the right pictures, that there was no time to enjoy the guests!
Remember, the people selling you stuff are there to make a money for themselves. When it is all said and done, will the shoes that you wore REALLY matter?
To me it is more important to savor the day. Yes, the right dress, the right shoes, the right location – all that will make PART of the memory, but after 16 years of being married, the thing I remember most are who was there.
Marquesa Jen said
Great post, Ariel. I was thinking about this the other day (I'm not even planning a wedding!), because I wondered if I would ever have this problem, but then I remember that some weddings I see I would love to have aspects of, some weddings I dig, but they just aren't my style.
+Jen
natashia said
wow…i'm getting married in three days and i just asked my fiance today if i absolutely had to stop looking at wedding porn after the wedding (he wearily said yes).
..i've been hooked..not because i want to change anything last minute…but i just love seeing people throw their happy wedding parties.
i just can't seem to stop waking up at 3 am to geek out on it…this post helped me to realize i should cool it and remember that i have a happy wedding party to enjoy that's just around the corner!
Shoshanna said
Whoa, Hibryd, you're totally right! I totally don't get seduced by fancy expensive things, but it's so hard to keep myself from going crazy over THE DRESS (never mind that they're all beautiful and I'll probably love whichever one I get) or gorgeous outdoor weddings, never mind that mine is going to be in the synagogue I grew up in and ran around in when I was 2 and oh yeah, we're getting FOR FREE. Plus there's an awesome playground next door. It's the once-in-a-lifetime thing that's the killer. Gah. Well, I can always throw fabulous parties with iridescent blue Cinderella gowns when I'm rich and famous, right?
Sara said
I am totally guilty of this! I am all for borrowing great ideas from other people, but only if they actually fit with ME, and MY VISION, and MY BUDGET. Sometimes though, this doesn't happen, and I begin to think, "Wow! I want (insert object/idea that may be cool but so isn't me) and my wedding won't be perfect without it!"
This is when I take a wedding planning vacation. No Bridal sites, no mention of anything wedding-related in conversation, nothing, from sunrise to sunset. So far, this is the only thing that has worked for me. Yes, I still get bridal envy, but now when it happens I just go over to the Bridal Bitching group and vent, or log off the net for awhile and hang out with my fantastic FH to remember why I am REALLY going through all this wedding planning stuff!
Dixie said
I'm one of those brides who ended up with LOTS of dresses. I went from thinking I'd just wear one of my own cute vintage dresses to scouring the Web for Jenny Packham samples or used dresses.
The Web + all the choices + my own dopey insecurities did overwhelm me. But it wasn't this site that did it. On the contrary, this site was a welcome respite of authenticity, creativity and restraint. Vive l'Offbeat Bride!
Bonnie said
I've got to admit, I have had a similar issue with the AWESOME photography on display at OBB.
I haven't had any issues with changing my mind on what to wear/eat/do, partly because we already knew what we wanted, but partly because for a lot of the decisions we just don't care that much.
However seeing some of the completely amazing photography out there has made me a bit nervous that I will be disappointed with my own wedding photos – particularly since my partner and I both hate having photos taken, so we'd need a really good photographer to get good photos out of us.
If I'd been in the US I probably would have tried to hunt down one of the photographers that have been featured on OBB, but I don't think we have that many options where I am.
I'll just try to look at it the same way I look at the blurry, mundane photos I take – if they show what's happening on the day, and the people in the photos are smiling and having fun, then does it really matter whether the photograph itself is particularly artistic/beautiful??
Emily said
I'm no where close to getting married. My interest is wedding porn is seeing all these amazing photos of cool, unique people acting happy, having fun, and showing their love for each other. That's never going to be a fetish for me. This site helped renew my faith that there are people out there who get married out of love, and not just to have fancy ceremonial weddings to please their relatives/society/whatever. Thanks for keepin' it real.