Why didn't you feature my wedding?
Reader Mail
By
on February 12, 2009
35
I submitted my wedding months ago and it still hasn't been posted. I am not trying to be rude or pressuring you into posting my wedding, but I am just curious as to why it was never put up. I think we had the most punk rock glamour fest wedding imaginable! There wasn't one thing we didn't DIY ourselves.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write, and let me say this right off the bat: YOUR WEDDING WAS AMAZING. I've looked through the photos, and it was amazing. (Especially that one bridesmaid with the cocktail cleavage!) I haven't had a chance to feature it yet, but it was amazing.
Yours isn't the first email I've received asking this question, so I'm wondering if it might be helpful to share a bit about the process of selecting to weddings to feature on Offbeat Bride...
The Offbeat Intern and I check in and discuss what we might be looking to feature that week. Diversity is a huge goal: we want to show a range of locations, styles, ethnicities, ages, sizes, shapes, etc. Have we had nothing but red wedding dresses for three weeks? Has it been forever since we saw a non-white bride? Have the last 10 profiles all been people in their 20s? When was the last time we did a lesbian wedding? Or a wedding in the midwest? Or Australia? Didn't we just do a goth wedding last week? Is it time to feature a spring wedding? Variety is a big factor.
Content is also a factor — Are there only 3 photos of the wedding? Hmm, that's not enough to give people a solid feel of the event. Are there 300 photos? Ack, that's a lot to dig through to find the best ones ... maybe we'll feature that wedding when we've got more time. Is the write-up grammatically solid? Does it share a good story? Is it full of well-written advice that we haven't heard before?
Another issue is timing. There are currently over 200 weddings in the database, and I love having such a rich pool to chose from, so we can say, "Ooh, it's time for a Hawaii wedding ... [search search] FOUND IT!" This means many months can pass before a particular wedding is posted. I don't want to lead anyone on — I can't ever promise that I'll feature any given wedding, ever. But we feature weddings six or even eight months after they're submitted ... and I almost never delete weddings. There are very few weddings that I look at and think, "Nope, I'd never feature that wedding on Offbeat Bride. Ever."
So to summarize, it's an issue of editorial variety, content, and timing. Those are the logistics. But your email brings up another issue ... a more emotional one.
...I'm so deeply flattered that so many people want to share their stories here. But the measure of your wedding's success shouldn't be seeing it on Offbeat Bride...
I love love looooove that people take the time to share their weddings with me, but I worry sometimes — yours isn't the first email I've received asking, in a sense, "What was wrong with my wedding that you didn't feature it?"
Some people have gone even farther, getting angry and saying things like their wedding was way way cooler than some of the "lame" weddings we've featured instead. (Whoa. So not ok.) This freaks me out — your wedding is not a contest . Of course I'm deeply flattered that so many people want to share their stories on Offbeat Bride, but the measure of your wedding's "success" should NOT be seeing it on Offbeat Bride or any other website. The goal of your wedding should be celebrating your commitment with your partner, and having a wonderful day with your community of family and friends.
I am just some random lady in Seattle with a website who sees more beautiful weddings a day than she has bandwidth to share. Please don't take my lack of hours in the day personally. I am not insulting your wedding if I haven't featured it on Offbeat Bride. Even with an intern dedicated to getting five profiles up every single week, there's simply no way I can get every single one of you on the site ... but that doesn't make your wedding any less of an amazing punk rock DIY glamour fest! Seriously.
I try to set the expectation on the submission form that I will not be able to post every wedding submitted. I'm open to suggestions if there's something I could be doing differently in the way the bride profile survey is worded to help folks avoid disappointment. I think I'll link to this blog post from the questionnaire, but I'm absolutely open to other suggestions, as well.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Katie said
yeah, for awhile I was wondering the same thing. Although my wedding wasn't "super offbeat" compaired to some of the others, it was unique & special to us. THAT is what is important. Not weither not not your wedding was featured. While it's nice to be featured, its not a big deal if your not.
Miss Jess said
I always wondered if you received a lot of emails like that, it seems like something that would happen with the massive amount of female participation on this site. Of course people view their weddings as part of some strange contest – subconsciously or not.
I even catch myself doing it sometimes during planning! All in all, I always enjoy seeing the weddings featured, and there are TONS more that I've seen in the forum that are just as cool. I'm always happy to know that the couples stayed true to themselves and they have good marriages, that's the most important thing. Being featured on a wedding site is NOT the most important thing.
But everyone here knows that already
!
Alexzandra said
Well, that answered my question.
I promise, I am not some crazy ex-bride who has to see herself everywhere, it's just anytime our wedding comes up among friends they say stuff like, "you should put your wedding on this site called offbeatbride." It's funny, because I am generally an internet lurker and this is the one place I always came to see if there were any new punk rock weddings.
Our wedding def wasn't a contest, we just didn't give a f*** and did everything we wanted.
Lots of cocktail cleavage…lots and lots. There was a whole lot of boob at our wedding in general, lol.
Ariel said
Alexzandra, you just keep lurking. I'm guessing your wedding will show up soon.
And thanks again for taking the time to write — it was great to have the opportunity to answer this question for everyone.
Meg said
Well said. I've been worrying for awhile that the approachable geeky online wedding 'publication' idea has made us all think, maybe subconsciously, that we need to make sure our wedding lives up to some "publishable" standard. We think "well I really should do such and such, or get a picture of such and such because it will make it more likely that I'll be featured on OBB, or XXX blog." And, it's damaging. It's like we're still living up to a magical wedding standard, it's just that the standard has changed. Which makes me sound like I'm some how blaming you Ariel, and I'm SO NOT. I think you put it into words beutifully, and I think we all need to think about it more.
Ariel said
Meg, I hear you. It's part of why I really make an effort to toss simple weddings into the mix … I really want people to understand that sometimes two people standing in an alpine meadow holding hands is all you need for an amazing wedding.
I spend a lot of time fretting over the fetishization of wedding stuff. I love fashion and decor and fun, but at times I see offbeat readers diving into the depths of desire despair over wanting something they see online. Doesn't matter if it's the 100k Martha Stewart wedding you can't afford, or the $5k DIY wedding you don't have the time or skills to execute … there's a lot aspirational desire that gets stirred up, and it's not always a good thing.
emily said
It would seem like keeping your Offbeat Bride Tribe profile up and posting your favorite photos there might be a good way to share your wedding? and yes, enjoying your day for the amazing day it was in your and your beloved's lives – not in everyone else's… for me this point is partly why i'm here on OBT – to connect with more brides who have confidence to express themselves in their own way, and not be too concerned about other's 'approval' – not that we all don't have our moments.
Ariel said
Emily: I hope that's how people use the OBT! That was part of my initial intent for starting it back in the day.
whiner said
I just wish that everyday there was a new wedding to look at. It is very boring where I work and it would be nice to see a new one everyday. (At least on regular workdays.)
I just always assumed that you were not getting enough neat-o submissions to put up!
Now I know you're holding out on us!
More weddings! More bandwidth!
Ariel said
Whiner (heh), we'll see if the next Offbeat Intern is up to putting that much time into cranking more out each week. Each bride profile takes a significant amount of time to produce, but we'll see what we can do.
Beti said
Thanks for this post, Ariel, and everyone's comments. It would be very cool to be a Featured Wedding and I can totally see how people could get caught up in trying to make it feature-worthy.
Now that it's been said, it seems obvious – I'll feature myself on my own damn blog – so there!
I'll take a look at the submission form to hopefully make it a meaningful and useful post.
Ariel, your writing is great. I wish I had your gift for tact and diplomacy. Yours is always a lesson in being forthright and direct and still polite and respectful.
onyah said
One thing I've noticed, as I've been spending more and more time on wedding websites, is that when I picture my future wedding in my head, I don't picture it as an actual event with people laughing and dancing and boozing it up. I picture it as an inspiration board, or a magazine spread, or a photo album, or some other static visual summary. Maybe it's because I'm a graphic designer, but I feel like something that has happened isn't "real" until it's written up, illustrated, formatted, published, and seen through someone else's eyes. I just mention this because it may be part of why people clamor to get their wedding covered on OBB–not so much the acclaim of being "chosen," but for the desire to see how it's interpreted as a package.
Ariel said
Onyah: we've all become so post-modern!
Marina said
I wish more people would put up their own "offbeat wedding profile" on their OBT page!!! It seems like a lot of people get married and disappear, or just put up pictures without the explanations, descriptions, and advice that profiles Ariel and Shrie put up have. Hear hear for the OBT profiles!!! Let's get it on!
Lisa said
I wondered about this and thought, "I would never submit our wedding, it probably won't be cool enough to get posted." But aside from that self-deprication, I would imagine you get a TON of people sending in their weddings to be posted. I adore OBT and think if you want to show off, that's as great a place as any to do it. I love what you post Ariel and always get great ideas and insights from the variety of styles and folks whose weddings you display. Thanks for all the hard work you put in to it! (And I'm not kissing ass, I really mean it.
Meg said
Oh Onyah… yeeeaaaaahhhh. When I first got engaged I was so excited to do inspiration boards and such… all the stuff you see online. And then I noticed what was happening. Our wedding was becoming a series of static style choices.
So, done. I ditched that, and what I have up on my physical bulletin board now are pictures of really happy couples kissing or giggling right after their vows. That, and some scraps of the fabric we're using for my dress, and our Save The Dates, real tangable stuff related to OUR wedding…. and more and more NON wedding stuff. Anyway, swapping out static style images for images that were about emotion helped. I care about style too, god knows, but it helped me to remember how I will really remember my wedding day… not as a style board, or a post on a wedding blog, or an album or any of that. I'll remember it as a series of emotional moments. So THAT is what I want to focus on. That's how I want to think about the day. As an experiance. As something I'll keep stored away in my memory forever… in some personal ways that I'll probably never really share.
Alexzandra said
BTW, If the intern position doesn't require being in Seattle I would be down for it. I got laid off my job in December and now have entirely too much time on my hands. I love internerding and weddings
Rosie Parsons said
I think people who tend to have offbeat weddings are naturally very creative and visual people, so sharing their creativity and having it enjoyed by everyone on here is really important to them.
I know it can feel really sad when all that planning and creativity is over, so it's something to get that high feeling again. And it's great to share all your hard work with the world as well as your guests – just as you want your guests to be wowed, it's nice to hear other people also love what you did.
s said
Relatedly, I have been wondering, Ariel, do you let the submitter know when you're about to put their profile up? Or do you just put it up? Not to assume you're putting mine up or anything, but after I submitted my partner was all, "I wish you hadn't described my ethnicity in that way" and so I'd really like to change that bit…
So, in general, yeah, what do brides do if they really need to change something important?
Autumn said
Onyah – From the get go I too could only imagine my wedding in terms of the pictures I would see afterwards -people, dresses, decor, details, etc. I have always been really into photography so i felt that my obsession with the showcasing of my wedding was a natural extension of my interests.
HOWEVER, I do feel that with the explosion of weddings on the internet and on reality tv, the ability to see other peoples weddings has gone made competition and wedding envy go through the roof. I think back to weddings I went to when I was a kid – they were held in local fire halls and lions clubs and all the food was served family style. The invitations all looked the same and the fanciest decorations were paper accordian bells taped to the wood-paneled walls of the hall. It seemed like weddings back in the day were about, well, the wedding. Or maybe we just had really poor family who couldn't afford to be worried about anything else :p
Either way, I think reality tv and the internet have created this wave of wedding fanaticism that places way less emphasis on the symbolic idea of a marriage and way more emphasis on your wedding "stuff". It's sort of good, because let's face it, most girls love cute and crafty things. But it can be sort of difficult for the people who can't afford to have what they see or don't have the skills to make it, like ariel mentioned.
Since I'm in the wedding biz myself, I'm sure i'm not helping with this craziness, but I secretly wish that things would get toned down a bit so that more emphasis could be put back on the meaning of the day.
Offbeat Intern, SHRIE said
S., to answer your question: We always notify brides and their partners about their profile going up. If they need changes made we can always make them. More often than not no changes are needed and they're super ecstatic!
Heather said
Maybe we could have a topic on the OBT that's called "SHOW US YOUR WEDDING!" and request that people use exactly the same template that Ariel uses to put things up on the site? That would put the database stuff aside and give responsibility to all those creative married chicas out there to go wild.
I guess I understand both the idea of using OBT, and having all those profiles in one searchable place. A more closely moderated topic might work?
Lani said
I realized that there are many, MANY profiles submitted and a right time and place for them to be featured. I'm just going to wait patiently for the day when Ariel realizes that it's been ages since she features an ivory-dress, candy-themed, bounce-castle, moustache-wearing wedding.
PS – Ariel, I am taking a postmodern music course right now. I think it would be a cool grad research project for someone to interview the offbeat bride as postmodern bride. It just doensn't fit in with my Music Education Masters…someone else will have to do it.
caroline said
that is an awesome write up ariel!
Kai said
I often wondered how many such messages you received =] I think that the OBT is an amazing community where acceptance truly is put into action, and creativity is our energy. I won't live or die by getting featured–although I do hope our wedding is featured when the time comes–but I do understand why so many ladies want it: you feel that you have accomplished something, and are being recognized for all your hard work. It's not about approval and acceptance, contrary to our claims of marching to the beat of our own drummer, as some have suggested.
I hope that made sense =]
Thanks for the write-up, it gave us more insight into what you ladies do so well.