Comments on: Getting your offbeat groom involved

By: Zommie

Zommie — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:51:45 +0000

I'm having difficulty getting much input from my fiance as well. We've decided we want a winter wedding after I finish college. That will likely put our shindig in early 2012 or, more likely, late 2012/early 2013. We've been engaged almost a year already, and we still don't have a date or month set! And I've barely managed to get much planning done with him. So far all we have is a season, a tentative guest list (but no addresses for anyone yet), and a small facet of decorations planned out. (I'm making quilled snowflakes. Very pretty! And the fiance loves them too! We can't guarantee snow where we live, so we'll be stringing up our own!)

Whenever I try to work on some wedding plans with him, he usually says something along the lines of, "It's sooo far away! I don't want to think about it." I know that he's right; the wedding is quite a long way off, so we don't need everything planned out to a T right now. But at the same time, I can't sit down and plan everything at one shot while I'm having to study for school, and I don't want to just sit on my hands for the next 3 1/2 years and have halls and venues and service providers book up. And I'm just so excited that even though I can't marry him right this minute (which we would both love, but know we can't do for many reasons), I can't stop thinking about our wedding and how we can make our special day wonderful. Our wedding isn't just about me. I want his input and need his help. I'm just not sure how to get those things without coming off as naggy or irritating him to the point of frustration.

Anyone have any advice for this type of situation?

By: apolonia

apolonia — Tue, 19 May 2009 04:35:28 +0000

Thanks Ariel for your great advice and great blog, and everyone for your insightful comments!

We live in California but are getting married at his parents' house in central NY, so we are super lucky that his parents (who are awesome) are VERY eager and involved in the planning of our very DIY wedding. I can tend to be a little micro-manage-y, so I'm actually surprising myself at how much I am leaving to them, but it's been such a load off.

We decided together on the few things we both really care about (he's got strong feelings about the photography, I'm obsessed with the invitations, and we're both having custom clothes made) and divided those as you suggested. The rest: delegated! I feel lucky to have realized early that I don't have to have a specific kind of flower or tablecloth to make my day, or more importantly, my marriage, special and wonderful. And in the end, as good friends and this fabulous blog remind me, the marriage, not the wedding, is the important part.

By: Owa

Owa — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:52:29 +0000

Isidri: "when you boil it down, we had a wedding because I wanted one, and I'm the girl. I'm not sure how to reconcile that."

I think that your wedding was a perfect example of compromise. Isn't that how you want your marriage to work? You being the girl had nothing to do with the fact that you were the one who wanted an actual wedding. I keep trying to elope and he wants a wedding. And he's the quiet one! lol.

You're both going to come upon situations that you would approach in opposite ways. Those differences are probably some of the reasons he's your partner and I'd guess he feels the same. Be happy when you can both find satisfaction.

By: isidri

isidri — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:06:02 +0000

Our essential inequity was having a wedding in the first place. Gernith really wanted to elope to Vegas, and before we were engaged we had a lot of jokey fake-arguments where I played the girl dreaming of her special daaaaaay. But then when it became reality, and he was like, okay, let's elope… then I was forced to admit that actually, I HAD been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl. I didn't want some big Princess-fest, but I had been dreaming of my small, laid-back, DIY wedding for literally decades.

He was kind of shocked, but immediately proclaimed that I obviously wanted a wedding more than he didn't want one, so we should have one. He had a great time at our wedding, and got everything that was important to him; but still, when you boil it down, we had a wedding because I wanted one, and I'm the girl. I'm not sure how to reconcile that.

As far as the planning itself, Gernith cared about: his clothes (including NOT wearing a "man flower"), getting to sit during the ceremony (we used the bench from outside our front door), that the ceremony itself wasn't religious or overly sappy (I wrote it, the friend who introduced us performed it), the music (we DJ'd off our iTunes), having the ceremony videotaped (I couldn't have cared less), that there was something he could eat on the menu (he has a lot of dietary restrictions), NOT having a first dance (I shared both his aversion and lack of rhythm), and the cake.

By: Rozi

Rozi — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:33:32 +0000

I have the opposite problem! My other half has got bored with me talking about
it and, since we don't even have a house let alone money to get married, he's requested that I stop bloody talking about it. Even though it was his idea to get married in the first place.
Git.
Still, he'll change his tune when he realises his opinion has now become pretty much irrelevant! Bmwhahaha!

By: Ariel

Ariel — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 00:22:39 +0000

Simple: Z gets delegated to a busy-body family member who keeps trying to get involved!

By: amber

amber — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:16:44 +0000

but at the same time, if he cares about X and she cares about Y who is responsible for Z? (if Z is "necessary" anyway, ie, finding an officiant). often the Z falls to the bride, which isn't really fair either.

By: Kate

Kate — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 21:30:20 +0000

Keylimegirl…I have to agree. Even though I wrote #10 – once I read your comment, I'm realizing that he actually hasn't once offered to call tent vendors! Or get pricing on flatware rentals. Hmmm…Maybe we just need to say something about how it's not equitable. No point in suffering in silence.

By: Keylimegirl

Keylimegirl — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 13:15:14 +0000

The problem with this completely logical advice is that it means that he gets to work on only the things he cares about, where I have to work on both the things I care about (the trampoline) and the things I could care less about (placecards.) I haven't come up with a fair way to divide that stuff.

By: melisande

melisande — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 12:42:56 +0000

I've been surprised at how strong his opinions are about things I never even thought he would care about.(Clothing!!?? This is someone who just gets up and throws on whatever is on the floor next to his side of the bed!)
But he has some very firm ideas and they clearly mean a lot to me. For example, he won't look at my dress until the wedding day, though I have tried a few times to show it to him. Furthermore, I am not allowed to see what he is wearing 'til the big day. He won't even tell me what color it is or anything…

It's working well, and when I ask for help on something important that I can't do alone, he has really come through. Especially in the "getting addresses form our slack friends so we can send invitations" department.

Since I can be a bit of a micro-managing control freak I've had to back off and let him share his ideas. He has some really good ones when I chill out and take the time to hear them.

He pointed out that I ask for his opinion and then shoot it down (which was true)-so I have made a huge effort to really listen to what he is saying and take his ideas seriously.
And, funny as it is, some of the stuff that I had the strongest negative reaction to intitially is stuff that in the end we are going with-and they're his ideas.
So that's really cool.

It also helps that since I am doing more than he is around some big areas he takes the time, several times a week, to hug me and say "Thank you for doing so much hard work on the wedding."
I know he means it. And it's awesome feeling appreciated:-)