Proposing Part 1: Why you should propose to your boyfriend #Relationship Advice#feminism#proposing January 5 | Ariel Meadow Stallings offbeatariel One of the things I learned from my reader survey was how many of you identified yourselves as "ladies in waiting," i.e. women biding their time until their boyfriends propose. Well, girls: STOP WAITING! If you're into questioning traditions, start by questioning the very first assumption about weddings: that a woman's role is waiting for a man to pick her. I know: it's scary right? You're thinking, "What if he says no?" Well, no one said taking your life by the reins would be easy, and the anxieties and fears of rejection that come up around proposing give you great insight into some of the cultural pressures men traditionally experience. Proposing is definitely scary, and I'm speaking from personal experience here. As those of you who've read my book know, I actually proposed to Andreas … On our third anniversary, we went to this pottery painting place. As I'd planned, I painted a big plate with a picture of us holding hands. (Yes, we were naked in the painting. I like painting butts!) Above the little people, I painted the words "Psst: will you marry me?" Then I put my grandmother's diamond wedding ring onto the plate and slid it across the table to Andreas. He looked at the plate. He looked up at me. I looked at him. Nothing happened. "…Well, will you?" I said. "Of course!" he said, and I exhaled in relief. "…But you don't mean, like, IMMEDIATELY, right?" he said. "I mean, of course we're spending the rest of our lives together. But there's no rush, right?" "Er, I guess not…" I said. "Awesome!" he said. "I love you!" And then he went back to painting. I sat and freaked out a bit, but nothing had really changed: we were still just as committed and someday we would get married. Just not quite yet, evidently. "No rush," in our case, meant getting married three years later. Grab the traditional institution of marriage by the balls and tell it that you're doing this on your terms and in your own way. This is all to say that I know that it's scary and intimidating and hard. (It should be noted that Andreas has expressed feeling sort of bad for how he handled the proposal. I mean, it all worked out ok, but it wasn't the stuff of swelling violins and magical twinkly lights.) Of course not all men want to be proposed to, and you know your boyfriend best … I'm thinking that chances are good that if he loves you for being a sassy independently-minded offbeat girlfriend, he's the kind of guy who would appreciate tipping an old tradition on its ear. When you propose to your boyfriend, you're taking a huge first step toward grabbing the traditional institution of marriage by the balls and telling it that you're doing this on your terms and in your own way. It's an exercise in taking ownership of your life and your journey through it. It's your way of saying, "I'm not going to drop hints to get what I want — I'm going to apply that energy to building the courage to do it myself." This isn't just about proposals. It's about knowing what you want and feeling strong enough in yourself to just go get it. Related Post Proposing Part 2: How to propose to your boyfriend Last week's Why you should propose to your boyfriend post was a big hit, so I'm continuing on with Part 2: HOW to propose to... Read more This isn't to say that it's not a wonderful thing when men propose. Ideally, any proposal is the result of many conversations about what marriage means to both you, why you're committed to each other, etc. It should never really be "popping the question." But if you've had conversations about commitment and you're ready to get married — STOP WAITING! Read part 2: How to propose to your boyfriend Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Ariel Meadow Stallings Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA. @offbeatariel @offbeatbride PREVIOUS Naomi & Casey's punk rock Iowa wedding NEXT Patricia & Christiaan's Intimate Outdoor Family Fun-Day Wedding Show/Hide comments [ 165 ] I think women proposing to their boyfriends is a fantastic idea, but I don't know how well that would fly with most men folk. I am always surprised when my young hip heterosexual friends hit snags when it comes to things like taking your husband's name, which last name to give the kids, and wives that make more money than their husbands. I thought we were over all that? The male ego is a delicate thing, so I would agree with you when you say you know your boyfriend best and how he might take a proposal. 7 agree Reply My wife proposed to me. We had pretty much decided to get married by then and I guess I was dragging my feet. So she got me a ring and one day while we were snowboarding at Mt. Baker (a very special place for us) she asked me to take a break on the side of a slope and then pulled out the ring and asked. I thought it was incredibly cool, romantic and a great surprise. I almost lost the ring in the snow while showing it to my snowboarding buddies later in the day :O All the male friends I was with at the time also thought it was cool. 12 agree Reply Last year, on February 29, I asked him to marry me, shyly, after explaining that Feb 29 is the one day women are "allowed" to propose. He said no. Don't get me wrong, it was good! I was looking to commit, but I think I was more in fantasy land than reality at the time. That rejection precluded a very bad spot in our relationship where we almost split. I spent that time staring at the proverbial mirror, and I found I wasn't happy with the way I was, and I set to make some changes; and so did he. We learned we couldn't live without each other. Then, nearly 8 months later, he asked. And this time we were both ready. I really like that plate! 3 agree Reply I asked my guy to marry me. I knew he would say yes — we lived together, he kept slipping and calling me his wife when introducing me, etc — but I was still terrified doing it. And impatient. It was supposed to be on a beach in a place that meant a lot to me, I wound up doing it the night of my brother's wedding, when we were in varying stages of undress. Had he been the type to take offense at it or have his ego wounded by this gender-role switcheroo, I don't think he'd be the guy I want to marry. 21 agree Reply Although there wasn't much of a proposal, and he bought me a ring, if I had waited for my husband to point out that we should get married, I'd still be waiting. It pretty much went like this. Me: "I want to get married in California. Let's get married." Him: "OK, let's do it sometime." Me: "How 'bout next summer?" Him: "OK." Me: "I want a ring, or people at work will bother me about it." Him: "Great, I'll buy a cheat one on ebay." Chorus: "Yay!" 6 agree Reply Also: "Had he been the type to take offense at it or have his ego wounded by this gender-role switcheroo, I don't think he'd be the guy I want to marry." A-freaking-men. 16 agree Reply I was considering proposing to my Man about six months ago and after going to a wedding where he had a little too much to drink, he let it slip that he "had a plan." I decided that I wanted a plan too, so I went and bought him a ring and waited for him to ask first (I didn't want to step on his toes). On New Years Eve (i.e. last week), he proposed to me in New York (at the Cloister's Museum), after about five minutes of giddy excitement and picture taking, I got down on one knee and asked him back. He was so surprised he forgot to answer and put the ring on his finger. I reminded him, and of course he said yes. We are now in the throws of wedding planning! It all worked out quite well. 19 agree Reply Ah! What a great story. 1 agrees Reply That is incredibly sweet! Good luck with your planning! Reply I was on the verge of proposing to my mister, but he beat me to it =] We're offbeat, yes, but the traditional part of me was kinda happy to have that moment. Several of my female friends proposed to their misters, and I think it's wonderful. As you said, why should women wait to be picked? Sure, it's nerve-wracking, but it's the same for the men out there who propose. Reply I WAS planning on proposing to my boyfriend. We had been talking about it (marriage) for awhile but I knew how he could be about making decisions so I figured I should take the lead on this one. But I have a big mouth and I let it slip that I wanted to propose to him. Turns out HE wanted to propose to ME too. So we have decided to have a super secret engagement ceremony weekend. We'll say a few words and exchange gifts and then announce it to the world. I'll let you know how it turns out. 2 agree Reply I proposed to my husband. We hadn't talked about marriage at all, and I surprised even myself with the proposal. We had just started a conversation about all the mushy things we like about each other and he asked me if I would change anything about him. I told him I would change one thing. I said I would make him my husband instead of my boyfriend and that was that! He clarified that I was actually proposing and when I said I was, he accepted! rules, schmoolz 13 agree Reply Me proposing was actually a relief to my fiance. Since there isn't a social standard of the "right" ways for a woman to propose to a man, the pressure was off. He's the romantic of the relationship and got really caught up in doing something special and meaningful and blah blah blah so eventually I just asked if I could do the proposal and he said ok. I proposed 5 days later via a note in his favorite burrito that I brought back from a trip to San Francisco. It was perfect, and several of our friends (male and female) are very jealous of our role-switch. 3 agree Reply And yet YOU ARE MAKING ME WAIT TO HEAR THE REST!!!! 1 agrees Reply My partner and I are approaching six years and I'm thinking of proposing. I'm very ready and I know he is too, but he has some anxiety issues that are holding him back. Still, I have a selfish desire for HIM to be the one who takes the risk and does the "work" for once. I tend to do all the planning of dates and events and such, and I can't get over that feeling that it's his turn to do something special for me this time. That said, I probably shouldn't let a childish temper tantrum hold me back from something that is so important to me. 8 agree Reply I can relate. As someone in a relationship with similar dynamics and now engaged, I would like to offer some advice: Decide if you are waiting for him to propose simply because you want it to be his turn to do "something special" or if there are additional reasons. For me, I felt it was 'his turn,' but not just because I wanted something special.. I was the one to suggest moving in together and I just wanted him to take the next step, so I would feel that he was equally interested in being permanent life partners. What ended up happening is that we did a lot of talking and I ended up feeling like I did a lot coaxing.. I got a special proposal and an expensive ring, but ultimately realized that all I really wanted was his expression of love and desire to marry as well. 4 agree Reply My point? I really did feel like I had already proposed and we could have done without the formalities (or the expense – in retrospect, I would prefer that we bought simple wedding bands together). Additionally, we had already talked extensively about plans for the future (jobs, relocation?, kids? etc.), which I realized was, if not *special*, still an expression of his desire for a future together. I know, however, that we needed to have the conversations that "the proposal" inspired (i.e. the importance of "something special" to me, appreciation, balance, etc.), but that can AND SHOULD be manifested in so many other ways. So forget about the formalities, and if you haven't already, start talking (and listening) about ideas for the future, and then see when it might be a good time to slip in a ceremony. Assuming you have both been monogamous for 6 years, the commitment is already there, right? Just tell him there's got to be a good time to celebrate your commitment (with or without a large group involved)! That's how I "proposed" before he "proposed"…. 2 agree Reply Oh and one more thing: If you/he is feeling anxious because of "other people," don't think a proposal will get them to relent. These are often the traditionalists that launch into an inquisition for wedding plans, bridal showers, babies!… the list will continue to expand I'm sure. 3 agree Reply I proposed, too, and as someone else said before, I was so impatient that I just kind of did it on a random day instead of making any real solid plan. he said yes, and it was great. but I have to say that I did find myself wondering what it would have been like to be proposed to, and some little traditional part of me was a little sad I hadn't waited to give him the chance (although I was thrilled to be engaged to him regardless). he definitely caught on to this, so he got me a ring and he proposed back to me. so I guess the way we're offbeat is that we both proposed to each other at one time or another! 3 agree Reply i'm in love with your plate. that is awesome. 1 agrees Reply Count me as another impatient proposer. I had planned to wait for a nice evening down at the river with the Man and the Dog – only once the ring arrived from Etsy it just wouldn't stop raining. So I exercised all my willpower and managed to wait until the episode of Stargate he was watching had finished, and proposed on the couch. In a bathrobe, with my hair in a towel – pretty flash hey! As someone else said, no way I would marry a man who had some problem with the idea of his gal proposing. That's just weird. 2 agree Reply Emi: I hear you on the hint of feeling conflicted. I wrote actually about this a few years ago on my personal blog. Reply I think this is all a great idea. I think that some times we do tend to think about men being just as romantic as we are and getting all gooey eyed and and gushing "Of course I will" but just as you wrote, it was like not even a question in his mind… there are a lot of times that I have to tell myself that my husband is not a girlfriend and will probably not care/get excited over half of the things I like. 😛 Kind of like going to the store is an in & out mission for him and for me it is so many levels of therapy/luxury etc. 😀 1 agrees Reply BTW. Nice plate. Great idea. 😀 Reply I proposed on NYE, and I just have to second everything that's been said. It's a total load off my mind to not have to question how he feels about the relationship, and we're both really excited about it. But, secretly, it would have been nice to have a big ordeal made about me. 😉 Reply hmm. My fiance was definitely the one to do the proposal, but not until after I blurted out one afternoon while we were both reading books in the sunshine, "I do want to get married." He looked up and said, "OK." I kind of thought this was a proposal, so I said something about planning a trip to Vegas soon because I was impatient. He vetoed it and said that we had to have a proper wedding with all of our family. I said "OK." After further discussion, we figured we wouldn't have the engagement/announcement for another year (friends of ours were getting married already and we didn't want to step on any toes). Six months later, he proposed. Turns out, he gets impatient, too. : ) 1 agrees Reply My amazing girlfriend surprised me last week at the â€˜Rinkâ€™ at Rockefeller center. We had talked about marriage at pretty good length and it has been a question of â€œwhenâ€ and not â€œifâ€ for some time. I was totally surprised by the proposal I was absolutely ecstatic to accept it. A applaud her bravery for not only beating me to the punch but doing it in such a grand perfectly cheesy and spectacular way. Oh and for the record, Iâ€™m taking her last name a: it rules b: thems the rules! Hereâ€™s the video: 2 agree Reply Haha–VICTORY LAP!! Reply AWW, CLARK! *sniffle* Way to get me all choked up. Reply Always a great idea, I say! A lot of guys are just intimidated by proposal…as is my boyfriend. I had asked him to marry me a few months back. I got him a nice ring with "LOVE" spelled out in binary code. I asked him and he looked up at me and said "Some day, of course." Now I told some of my traditional friends this and they freaked. They went ape crap and asked if I kicked him in the genitals. No! I was relieved…it wasn't a straight up "NO!", it was just kind of a reality check for me. One day…yes! 2 agree Reply I identified as one of the ladies in waiting, but I'm actually waiting to propose to him! And as for how menfolk react, that's fine. I'd never step on someone's toes on something so important. But personally I also wouldn't marry someone so traditional as to not consider their desire. Reply LMAO…it was kind of my idea, the whole marriage thing. I was thinking about marriage and found a great date and told my FH. so then I bugged him for a few days (we do that to each other) but didn't know he would do it until we actually drove to the pawn shop and he said for me to pick out what i want. we got home and he asked me so, it was a nice balance…he still did the official proposal and I submitted the idea. I liked how it went, truthfully. Like a decision of equals. So, yes, ladies…be brave and break with tradition! 1 agrees Reply Hey, you know what, I proposed to my fella, it was totally unromantic because we were on the phone to each other (I am currently working as a volunteer in another country), and THEN I made him propose back. He got surprisingly emotional about it, which was kind of nice. But I did feel like a bit of a freak for having done it – especially when people asked about "How did he propose?" and such. But then I found Offbeat Bride, and realised that there's a whole community of individual women who have also proposed to their men, for one reason or another, and it has been AWESOME! Your existance is a puddle of sanity amidst an ocean of wedding industry madness, which I have chosen largely to ignore in favour of honouring my own Offbeat. You continue to inspire – thank you! Reply I struggled with this one myself. I wanted to be asked. Hey, I had asked for his number first, said "i love you" first, so I figured it was his turn, right? I was waiting and I wasn't. We talked about getting married all the time. I figured he was about to ask me. But the moment I decided that I wanted to ask him, I was surprised by how amazing I felt. I wasn't waiting anymore. I knew exactly who I wanted to spend my life with and how I wanted to let him know! I hid his concrete ring (he's a contractor so it was fitting) in my luggage when we went on vacation. And before I could figure out when I would show him, he went ahead and asked me himself. It was wonderful, it was sweet, and I told him I had been planning this myself. But when we got back to the hotel and he said "now I'm gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out–you ask!" that was my favorite part. Because that felt like us. 6 agree Reply My other half & I have talked marriage and know we want to get married – once we're actually living in the same zip code again, because LDR is a bit rough. Last week on NYE we were with friends listening to a fav band and we were all mushy and loving and said "Let's get rings tomorrow!" Just a commitment ring, but we had fun shopping, looking at the designs, till he got this cool tribal band to compliment my thin celtic design band. Next day the friends asked if we got hitched! We told them not yet, but we will! 1 agrees Reply Go Clark's fiance!! Reply Oh man, I don't know how many times we've proposed to each other, and I don't know how many times we're going to propose again. The first one took place by accident, three weeks after we met, at a hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant, before we'd even said "I love you." Maybe there'll be an official proposal when, in a few years, we get our engagement tattoos. …GodDAMMIT I'm in love. 1 agrees Reply Ariel is my HERO! I adored this post. I too feel sad when I see so many girls "waiting" for a proposal. (Not talking about OBT here, just in general.) Also, a friend of mine recently called me, ecstatic, to say that her boyfriend "told her" to turn her Claddagh ring around to "indicate she is taken." I was like, what? He TOLD you to turn it around because HE decided the two of you were finally in a committed relationship? Why didn't YOU turn it around and tell HIM. Or better yet, come to an adult decision together after some communication. Ugh it makes me sick. Anyway, it's a sad truth that most men — most non-offbeat men anway — don't have the balls to be proposed to by their girlfriends. But as an offbeat feminist, I wouldn't have any other guy than one who would totally dig this. Also, there was no proposal at all for FH and me. We talked it to death and just decided to start making plans. It's not as romantic, granted, but soft music and twinkling lights really aren't necessary to happily spend the rest of your lives together. I'm just sayin. 1 agrees Reply Maybe the reason some women are 'in waiting' isn't sad at all. Perhaps they are waiting not simply because they are women, but because they feel their partner is not the one ready to commit yet, and they want him to propose when he is ready. 5 agree Reply I'm going to be the proposer if there is one (we've discussed this) but I'm also waiting until I feel he would be comfortable being proposed to. He wants his ducks in a row a bit more than I do when we get married, and I don't want him to feel bad about not being ready when I make "the ask", or feel pressured to say he's ready until he's not. So I'm waiting for him to either indicate to me subtly or explicitly that he's ready to be asked. It's not sad, it's about making sure we get married when we are BOTH ready, and only then. 1 agrees Reply "We talked it to death and just decided to start making plans. It's not as romantic, granted, but soft music and twinkling lights really aren't necessary to happily spend the rest of your lives together. I'm just sayin." Ah, this sounds so very familiar! 2 agree Reply I am in the waiting stages now, and I think it will be another couple of years. We are very young still(23)- so its really a matter of finishing school/getting settled, etc. But I think the important thing is we discuss what we want the marriage to be like- and have set goals and aspirations we will achieve together when we eventually get married. I think too many people put the emphasis on the ring, the moment and the party when the emphasis should be on creating a marriage that works forever. 3 agree Reply Liz, in response to your, "I think too many people put the emphasis on the ring, the moment and the party when the emphasis should be on creating a marriage that works forever. ", I couldn't agree more. 1 agrees Reply My boyfriend proposed to me while we were vacationing in Italy (pretty romantic right?) and I said told him I needed more time. Even though I knew he was "the one" and it was the traditional way to do things, I am not a traditional gal and it was a terrifying moment. I have always been an independent woman and a commitmentphobe, and I wanted to make sure I was marrying the person I loved because of our emotional bond, not because of the shiny ring or the tourists watching. I'm currently preparing to knock his socks off with a proposal of my own. This is my way of showing him I'm ready to make the commitment 2 agree Reply my man and i had also talked the whole thing to death. when and where and why, but neither of us got round to actually proposing. we decided to order the ring off of etsy, but before it even arrived (it still hasnt, were procrastinators) he just started telling everybody i was his wife. people were congratulating us left right and centre, and it wasnt even official yet. so there doesnt even need to be a ring, just so long as you are happy together. 2 agree Reply I proposed to my boy early in the morning on a walk along the beach. We wrote messages to each other in the sand, ending with mine of "will you marry me?". I brought out the ring I had carefully hidden for months and promptly burst into tears while he gently told me he would and kissed me. On the surface, my guy is not the most off-beat guy out there, but he was happy with me proposing (and not all that surprised) – it's just who he is and why I love him. He now encourages all his female friends to be the ones to do the proposing and chastises his male friends who find the idea weird. I know it's pretty dorky, but he makes me so proud! 4 agree Reply I was GOING to ask my husband to marry me. I had a lego board made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' written in lego blocks, and I'd hidden it under the bed, ready to pull out in the morning. And then he slipped a ring on my finger in the middle of the night. I woke up at four am and wondered what that strange feeling on my hand was. True story. Totally awesome post, love the plate! 7 agree Reply LOL Lego AND a sleeping proposal, you guys are all kinds of awesome :o) 2 agree Reply I proposed to my husband and it was the most nervewracking feeling in the world…come on ladies, guys shouldn't bear that burden completely alone! It was weird feeling what guys must go through–picking out a ring, holding it in my sweaty hand in my pocket, wondering if it's the perfect moment yet. After it was all done and he said yes, I realized that any moment would have been perfect. Get it gurl 2 agree Reply I proposed to my husband. He knew that he was sure that he wanted to marry me before I was completely sure. He didn't want to propose when he wasn't sure that he'd get a 'yes' and I couldn't be bothered with the whole palaver of hinting that it was time for him to propose and he'd get the right answer. So once I was sure that I wanted to marry him I planned to propose to him. He was incredibly shocked because I'd been throwing him off the sent for the past month so that it would be a surprise. I think that it makes sense for whoever is the last to know that they want to get married to do the proposing. That way it's a surprise and you get a yes. 2 agree Reply I proposed to my boyfriend in Nov. 2007. We had been together since 1997 and had decided for a multitude of reasons that we were deeply committed to eachother, but did not feel the need to get married. In September of 2007 my parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and a few other things made it clear that while FH was fine with our decission not to get married, he actually was not as anti marriage as I was at the time. I took a while for some personal introspection. I wrestled with my thoughts, beliefs, issues… you name it and we wrestled, and then I decided that yeah, marriage wasn't so bad after all if you do it right I knew I was going to ask him, but I didn't know when. Then one day we were watching Ace of Cakes and they were making a jungle cake. So, on the spur of the moment I leaned over to FH and said "will you get a big cake with 2 lemurs on top with me?" (I did my grad research on lemur behavior in the rainforest in Madagascar, so that makes more sense than it seems.) FH looked at me like I had suddently grown a few extra heads and said "Did you just ask me to marry you?" I said "yes", and I've never seen him more happy and bewildered in my whole life. Some how I managed to propose to my boyfriend and be the one to say yes. I got the best of both worlds. I definitely say go for the proposal. I didn't give him a ring or anything, but it didn't matter. It wasn't a big production, but it was personal and we'll both love that memory forever. 3 agree Reply I am waiting for my boyfriend to propose. We have discussed it and he knows that I want to get married, that I love him and I'm ready. But he has been previously married and had a painful divorce so we both want to make sure he is 100% ready. So basically I've put the proposal on him, because he is the one with the concerns. In addition to that, I'm pretty aggressive most of the time. We met online so I initiated the first email, the first date, the first kiss. He moves much slower than I do. I want to be the one who is surprised. I think that for a lot of women, they simply put forth a bit more effort in their relationships than men do. The onus is on us to ask for what we want in bed, ask for what we want in romance, ask for what we want around the house. I don't know many guys who do that back, either because they don't think to ask or they really don't care about that stuff. So while an engagement and a wedding should be fifty/fifty, I personally don't want to ask. I ask plenty of other things. I want to be asked for once. I don't think that makes me traditional or old fashioned. I picked him. It's up to him to say he's ready for a party to celebrate that. 1 agrees Reply Oooh, it seems as though there are many more ladies who proposed to their husbands. Reply Tell Andreas not to feel too bad. When I got proposed to, the first words out of my mouth were "Shut up." (Is it any wonder that relationship didn't last? LOL) Reply Tom's aunt proposed to her long time live-in boyfriend on Thanksgiving in front of all of us right when we sat down to dinner. She had a very cool ring for him. He of course said yes. That was the night we were going to announce to his family our engagement. Talk about stealing someone's thunder! 1 agrees Reply I have been asking my guy to marry me since we had been dating about 4 months. 😀 His answer has always been a smile and a "someday, sure"…we've been dating over 7 years, so I think I've proposed to him about…6 times? He finally asked me on Halloween of this year, and I was tempted to say "Someday", but he looked really nervous like he might puke….so I said "of course!" and there was much kissing and crying and joy. I asked him later and he said he felt he needed to be the one to ask me to make it official. I wasn't upset, I was happy I finally got more than a 'someday'. 3 agree Reply First of all: the new site design is amazing Arial! Second of all, I am totally feeling what many of you are feeling. I definitely agree with the "Wouldn't marry a guy who was offended by my proposal," and "Taliking to death and just deciding to make plans" sounds so, so familiar to me too. Rather than anyone proposing to anyone we made a mutual decision together that this was the right time, and since that moment have made every decision together (even the engagement ring which we designed together). Even though I didn't get a big proposal, I'm not really a big fan of them (especially not after making my way through the first season of Dexter over the holidays – those who've seen it will know what I'm talking about). Making decisions together seems so much more romantic in a way – much more collaborative – and a really good indicator of the marriage we want to have. Reply i also proposed to my fiance mike, we joke i wear the pants because he's not the type to make decisions, lol. i had it all planned out to be based around our motorcycles. we met at a riding safety class and both ride, so i thought a carbon fiber ring would be perfect. i picked one out online but didn't get it because i was stuck between two so i figured if he's going to wear it, he should pick it. on a trip to mexico last september, we went jewelry shopping for pretty silver stuff & he says 'hey, check this out, this is awesome'… yup, the same EXACT ring. 'WHAAA???'. i planned on waiting until we got back to go on a romantic ride through the backroads on a favorite route of ours, but it got cut short because of this. for two days he kept trying to find one in his size, and i was trying to get him not to buy it. eventually, i blurt out 'no, you can't have it!!' him: 'why not?' me *sniffly/blubbery*: 'because i was going to buy you the same one, and ask you to marry me' him: 'ok' (smile) me: 'really?' him: 'yeah!' we both laughed our butts off, and when we got back i told my mom at the airport i brought her back a souvenir… a son in law, lolol. all in all it was awesome, and we knew it was going to happen, so it wasn't a matter of traditional roles. 1 agrees Reply I proposed to my hubby. I called him while I was on my way to my friends house (to see 27 dresses) and told him I wanted to get married this year. He said we'll talk when I got home. The next day, we put a deposit on the venue and ordered the ring. I'm impulsive Reply My girlfriend and I both wanted the pleasure of proposing to one another, so that's what we did. And each proposal was so much fun and even though we knew it was coming, it didn't change how special it was. I proposed last New Year's Eve in a fancy hotel room, right at midnight. She took me to a 4-story used bookstore on our anniversary and proposed in the poetry section (I'm a poet). This also handled the detail that we both wanted to wear e-rings. So we both proposed to one another with a ring, and both rings are perfect, and very different and don't match anything at all, not even our wedding rings. Just because you've already been proposed to, doesn't mean you can't still propose, so for the guys who really wanted to plan a proposal, tell them they totally still can just because you asked them to marry you doesn't mean they can't still ask you back. 2 agree Reply "Also, there was no proposal at all for FH and me. We talked it to death and just decided to start making plans. It's not as romantic, granted, but soft music and twinkling lights really aren't necessary to happily spend the rest of your lives together. I'm just sayin." Same here. We were laying in bed talking about our future plans and decided to get married. When people ask, "How did he propose?" I respond, "He didn't, we both decided to get married." I agree completely that the ascribed roles of women and men in relationships (women as waiting to be picked and men as deciding) disempowers both. I didn't feel that it was fair that my fiance has to panic, and I have to wait. We wanted a relationship built on a partnership, not a dictationship. With that being said, there isn't anything wrong with men proposing, just the idea that they are the only ones with a right to do so! 1 agrees Reply Read more comments 1 2 3 › Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked * Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy. Biz owners & wedding bloggers Please just use your real name in your comment, not your business name or blog title. Our comments are not the place to pimp your website. If you want to promote your stuff on Offbeat Bride, join us as an advertiser instead.