Proposing Part 1: Why you should propose to your boyfriend
Relationship Advice
By
on January 05, 2009
150 Responses
One of the things I learned from my reader survey was how many of you identified yourselves as "ladies in waiting," i.e. women biding their time until their boyfriends propose. Well, girls: STOP WAITING! If you're into questioning traditions, start by questioning the very first assumption about weddings: that a woman's role is waiting for a man to pick her.
I know: it's scary right? You're thinking, "What if he says no?" Well, no one said taking your life by the reigns would be easy, and the anxieties and fears of rejection that come up around proposing give you great insight into some of the cultural pressures men traditionally experience.
Proposing is definitely scary, and I'm speaking from personal experience here. As those of you who've read my book know, I actually proposed to Andreas …
On our third anniversary, we went to this pottery painting place. As I'd planned, I painted a big plate with a picture of us holding hands. (Yes, we were naked in the painting. I like painting butts!)
Above the little people, I painted the words "Psst: will you marry me?" Then I put my grandmother's diamond wedding ring onto the plate and slid it across the table to Andreas.
He looked at the plate. He looked up at me.
I looked at him. Nothing happened.
"…Well, will you?" I said.
"Of course!" he said, and I exhaled in relief.
"…But you don't mean, like, IMMEDIATELY, right?" he said. "I mean, of course we're spending the rest of our lives together. But there's no rush, right?"
"Er, I guess not…" I said.
"Awesome!" he said. "I love you!" And then he went back to painting.
I sat and freaked out a bit, but nothing had really changed: we were still just as committed and someday we would get married. Just not quite yet, evidently.
"No rush," in our case, meant getting married three years later.
This is all to say that I know that it's scary and intimidating and hard. (It should be noted that Andreas has expressed feeling sort of bad for how he handled the proposal. I mean, it all worked out ok, but it wasn't the stuff of swelling violins and magical twinkly lights.)
Of course not all men want to be proposed to, and you know your boyfriend best … I'm thinking that chances are good that if he loves you for being a sassy independently-minded offbeat girlfriend, he's the kind of guy who would appreciate tipping an old tradition on its ear.
When you propose to your boyfriend, you're taking a huge first step toward grabbing the traditional institution of marriage by the balls and telling it that you're doing this on your terms and in your own way.
Grab the traditional institution of marriage by the balls and tell it that you're doing this on your terms and in your own way.
It's an exercise in taking ownership of your life and your journey through it. It's your way of saying, "I'm not going to drop hints to get what I want — I'm going to apply that energy to building the courage to do it myself." This isn't just about proposals. It's about knowing what you want and feeling strong enough in yourself to just go get it.
This isn't to say that it's not a wonderful thing when men propose. Ideally, any proposal is the result of many conversations about what marriage means to both you, why you're committed to each other, etc. It should never really be "popping the question."
But if you've had conversations about commitment and you're ready to get married — STOP WAITING!
Proposing Part 2: How to propose to your boyfriend.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Luis said
I think women proposing to their boyfriends is a fantastic idea, but I don't know how well that would fly with most men folk. I am always surprised when my young hip heterosexual friends hit snags when it comes to things like taking your husband's name, which last name to give the kids, and wives that make more money than their husbands. I thought we were over all that?
The male ego is a delicate thing, so I would agree with you when you say you know your boyfriend best and how he might take a proposal.
Will Merydith said
My wife proposed to me. We had pretty much decided to get married by then and I guess I was dragging my feet. So she got me a ring and one day while we were snowboarding at Mt. Baker (a very special place for us) she asked me to take a break on the side of a slope and then pulled out the ring and asked.
I thought it was incredibly cool, romantic and a great surprise. I almost lost the ring in the snow while showing it to my snowboarding buddies later in the day :O
All the male friends I was with at the time also thought it was cool.
Starla* said
Last year, on February 29, I asked him to marry me, shyly, after explaining that Feb 29 is the one day women are "allowed" to propose. He said no.
Don't get me wrong, it was good! I was looking to commit, but I think I was more in fantasy land than reality at the time. That rejection precluded a very bad spot in our relationship where we almost split. I spent that time staring at the proverbial mirror, and I found I wasn't happy with the way I was, and I set to make some changes; and so did he. We learned we couldn't live without each other.
Then, nearly 8 months later, he asked. And this time we were both ready.
I really like that plate!
Carolyn said
I asked my guy to marry me. I knew he would say yes — we lived together, he kept slipping and calling me his wife when introducing me, etc — but I was still terrified doing it. And impatient. It was supposed to be on a beach in a place that meant a lot to me, I wound up doing it the night of my brother's wedding, when we were in varying stages of undress.
Had he been the type to take offense at it or have his ego wounded by this gender-role switcheroo, I don't think he'd be the guy I want to marry.
Sarah TX said
Although there wasn't much of a proposal, and he bought me a ring, if I had waited for my husband to point out that we should get married, I'd still be waiting. It pretty much went like this.
Me: "I want to get married in California. Let's get married."
Him: "OK, let's do it sometime."
Me: "How 'bout next summer?"
Him: "OK."
Me: "I want a ring, or people at work will bother me about it."
Him: "Great, I'll buy a cheat one on ebay."
Chorus: "Yay!"
Sarah TX said
Also: "Had he been the type to take offense at it or have his ego wounded by this gender-role switcheroo, I don't think he'd be the guy I want to marry."
A-freaking-men.
Heather said
I was considering proposing to my Man about six months ago and after going to a wedding where he had a little too much to drink, he let it slip that he "had a plan." I decided that I wanted a plan too, so I went and bought him a ring and waited for him to ask first (I didn't want to step on his toes). On New Years Eve (i.e. last week), he proposed to me in New York (at the Cloister's Museum), after about five minutes of giddy excitement and picture taking, I got down on one knee and asked him back. He was so surprised he forgot to answer and put the ring on his finger. I reminded him, and of course he said yes. We are now in the throws of wedding planning! It all worked out quite well.
marlo said
Ah! What a great story.
Raina said
That is incredibly sweet! Good luck with your planning!
Kai said
I was on the verge of proposing to my mister, but he beat me to it =] We're offbeat, yes, but the traditional part of me was kinda happy to have that moment.
Several of my female friends proposed to their misters, and I think it's wonderful. As you said, why should women wait to be picked? Sure, it's nerve-wracking, but it's the same for the men out there who propose.
Anonymous said
I WAS planning on proposing to my boyfriend. We had been talking about it (marriage) for awhile but I knew how he could be about making decisions so I figured I should take the lead on this one. But I have a big mouth and I let it slip that I wanted to propose to him. Turns out HE wanted to propose to ME too. So we have decided to have a super secret engagement ceremony weekend. We'll say a few words and exchange gifts and then announce it to the world. I'll let you know how it turns out.
Joy said
I proposed to my husband. We hadn't talked about marriage at all, and I surprised even myself with the proposal. We had just started a conversation about all the mushy things we like about each other and he asked me if I would change anything about him. I told him I would change one thing. I said I would make him my husband instead of my boyfriend and that was that! He clarified that I was actually proposing and when I said I was, he accepted! rules, schmoolz
Hilary said
Me proposing was actually a relief to my fiance. Since there isn't a social standard of the "right" ways for a woman to propose to a man, the pressure was off. He's the romantic of the relationship and got really caught up in doing something special and meaningful and blah blah blah so eventually I just asked if I could do the proposal and he said ok. I proposed 5 days later via a note in his favorite burrito that I brought back from a trip to San Francisco. It was perfect, and several of our friends (male and female) are very jealous of our role-switch.
Jennie said
And yet YOU ARE MAKING ME WAIT TO HEAR THE REST!!!!
Anonymous said
My partner and I are approaching six years and I'm thinking of proposing. I'm very ready and I know he is too, but he has some anxiety issues that are holding him back. Still, I have a selfish desire for HIM to be the one who takes the risk and does the "work" for once. I tend to do all the planning of dates and events and such, and I can't get over that feeling that it's his turn to do something special for me this time. That said, I probably shouldn't let a childish temper tantrum hold me back from something that is so important to me.
empathy said
I can relate. As someone in a relationship with similar dynamics and now engaged, I would like to offer some advice: Decide if you are waiting for him to propose simply because you want it to be his turn to do "something special" or if there are additional reasons. For me, I felt it was 'his turn,' but not just because I wanted something special.. I was the one to suggest moving in together and I just wanted him to take the next step, so I would feel that he was equally interested in being permanent life partners.
What ended up happening is that we did a lot of talking and I ended up feeling like I did a lot coaxing.. I got a special proposal and an expensive ring, but ultimately realized that all I really wanted was his expression of love and desire to marry as well.
empathy said
My point? I really did feel like I had already proposed and we could have done without the formalities (or the expense – in retrospect, I would prefer that we bought simple wedding bands together). Additionally, we had already talked extensively about plans for the future (jobs, relocation?, kids? etc.), which I realized was, if not *special*, still an expression of his desire for a future together. I know, however, that we needed to have the conversations that "the proposal" inspired (i.e. the importance of "something special" to me, appreciation, balance, etc.), but that can AND SHOULD be manifested in so many other ways. So forget about the formalities, and if you haven't already, start talking (and listening) about ideas for the future, and then see when it might be a good time to slip in a ceremony. Assuming you have both been monogamous for 6 years, the commitment is already there, right? Just tell him there's got to be a good time to celebrate your commitment (with or without a large group involved)! That's how I "proposed" before he "proposed"….
empathy said
Oh and one more thing: If you/he is feeling anxious because of "other people," don't think a proposal will get them to relent. These are often the traditionalists that launch into an inquisition for wedding plans, bridal showers, babies!… the list will continue to expand I'm sure.
Emi said
I proposed, too, and as someone else said before, I was so impatient that I just kind of did it on a random day instead of making any real solid plan.
he said yes, and it was great. but I have to say that I did find myself wondering what it would have been like to be proposed to, and some little traditional part of me was a little sad I hadn't waited to give him the chance (although I was thrilled to be engaged to him regardless).
he definitely caught on to this, so he got me a ring and he proposed back to me. so I guess the way we're offbeat is that we both proposed to each other at one time or another!
amber aka akaisha said
i'm in love with your plate. that is awesome.
Bonnie said
Count me as another impatient proposer.
I had planned to wait for a nice evening down at the river with the Man and the Dog – only once the ring arrived from Etsy it just wouldn't stop raining.
So I exercised all my willpower and managed to wait until the episode of Stargate he was watching had finished, and proposed on the couch. In a bathrobe, with my hair in a towel – pretty flash hey!
As someone else said, no way I would marry a man who had some problem with the idea of his gal proposing. That's just weird.
Ariel said
Emi: I hear you on the hint of feeling conflicted. I wrote actually about this a few years ago on my personal blog.
Jennifer Chernoff said
I think this is all a great idea. I think that some times we do tend to think about men being just as romantic as we are and getting all gooey eyed and and gushing "Of course I will" but just as you wrote, it was like not even a question in his mind… there are a lot of times that I have to tell myself that my husband is not a girlfriend and will probably not care/get excited over half of the things I like.
Kind of like going to the store is an in & out mission for him and for me it is so many levels of therapy/luxury etc. 
Jennifer Chernoff said
BTW. Nice plate. Great idea.
Katy said
I proposed on NYE, and I just have to second everything that's been said. It's a total load off my mind to not have to question how he feels about the relationship, and we're both really excited about it.
But, secretly, it would have been nice to have a big ordeal made about me.
erika said
hmm. My fiance was definitely the one to do the proposal, but not until after I blurted out one afternoon while we were both reading books in the sunshine, "I do want to get married." He looked up and said, "OK." I kind of thought this was a proposal, so I said something about planning a trip to Vegas soon because I was impatient. He vetoed it and said that we had to have a proper wedding with all of our family. I said "OK." After further discussion, we figured we wouldn't have the engagement/announcement for another year (friends of ours were getting married already and we didn't want to step on any toes). Six months later, he proposed. Turns out, he gets impatient, too. : )
Clark said
My amazing girlfriend surprised me last week at the ‘Rink’ at Rockefeller center. We had talked about marriage at pretty good length and it has been a question of “when†and not “if†for some time. I was totally surprised by the proposal I was absolutely ecstatic to accept it. A applaud her bravery for not only beating me to the punch but doing it in such a grand perfectly cheesy and spectacular way. Oh and for the record, I’m taking her last name a: it rules b: thems the rules!
Here’s the video:
SalaciousD said
Haha–VICTORY LAP!!
Ariel said
AWW, CLARK! *sniffle* Way to get me all choked up.
Mandi said
Always a great idea, I say! A lot of guys are just intimidated by proposal…as is my boyfriend. I had asked him to marry me a few months back. I got him a nice ring with "LOVE" spelled out in binary code. I asked him and he looked up at me and said "Some day, of course." Now I told some of my traditional friends this and they freaked. They went ape crap and asked if I kicked him in the genitals. No! I was relieved…it wasn't a straight up "NO!", it was just kind of a reality check for me. One day…yes!
Kit said
I identified as one of the ladies in waiting, but I'm actually waiting to propose to him!
And as for how menfolk react, that's fine. I'd never step on someone's toes on something so important. But personally I also wouldn't marry someone so traditional as to not consider their desire.
agapantha said
LMAO…it was kind of my idea, the whole marriage thing. I was thinking about marriage and found a great date and told my FH. so then I bugged him for a few days (we do that to each other) but didn't know he would do it until we actually drove to the pawn shop and he said for me to pick out what i want. we got home and he asked me
so, it was a nice balance…he still did the official proposal and I submitted the idea. I liked how it went, truthfully. Like a decision of equals.
So, yes, ladies…be brave and break with tradition!