Copy 'n' paste conflict resolution (aka How to say "fuck off" and "I love you" and "this conversation is over" all at the same time)
Friends & Family Advice
By
on January 21, 2009
59 Responses
So, you your family/friends are freaking about about your plans for a tiny simple wedding in your backyard. Or about how your sweety wants to carry a pirate sword for the ceremony. Or about how you're wearing a black dress instead of a white one. Whatever: you told 'em something, and they've freaked out.
While every situation is different, I decide to write up a few copy 'n' paste responses that y'all could use in your conversations with your family & friends. Obviously, these would need tweaking depending on your particular conflict, but hopefully the respectful but firm tone will help you hold your ground while also keeping the peace:
- "It means so much to me that you're so interested in my wedding planning. That said, I hope you'll be able to respect that my partner and I are putting a lot of thought into having wedding reflect our unique relationship and values. I hope you can place your trust in our ability to find what we feel works best for us."
- "Oh my goodness — it's so flattering that you felt you could come and talk to me about your thoughts on my wedding. I love hearing all the different ideas that we get from friends and family — I think you'll be excited to see what we come up with."
- "I'm so sorry to hear that you're upset about my decision to [FILL IN THE BLANK] at my upcoming wedding. I hope you understand that this was a decision my partner and I took very seriously, that we made after putting a lot of thought into how we could best make our wedding a reflection of our relationship. While I wish I could change how you feel, I respect that we all have different opinions about weddings … and I hope you know that despite this disagreement, it doesn't change how much I love you! I'm so looking forward to seeing you [at our wedding/some other time/whatever]."
- "Wow, thanks so much for sharing your ideas with me. It really makes me feel like you're as excited about this as we are! My partner and I believe really strongly in working together to shape a wedding that's a reflection of who we are, and I'll definitely be keeping your ideas in mind during our planning discussions."
- "Thanks so much for all your suggestions about our wedding. Although we've decided to take our plans in a slightly different direction, I just want you to know that we put a lot of thought into our decision and your input was so incredibly valuable to us. Thanks so much again … and we can't wait to have you there celebrating with us."
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Cassie said
lol I love #2. "Wow, it's so amazing you felt comfortable enough to totally march up to me and make your own demands on MY wedding. You've got balls. Kudos."
I am so totally using that.
(The nicely worded version.)
Nora said
I've also found that a simple, "Thanks for your suggestion! We'll keep that in mind!" works well for those well-intended folks who provide unsolicited advice or ideas. Most people just want to be heard, and won't actually remember whether you incorporated their advice when it comes time for the actual wedding.
shelly said
I know this is a side note, but oh my gosh, do you know where those robot cake toppers came from. they may be the cutest things i've ever seen!
also, I think this is a great post b/c I think it applies to all weddings. I think the more offbeat the wedding, the more you might need to use these quotes but I think that people will (loudly) disagree with choices made in traditional weddings as well.
I'm divorced now, but I definitely had a few "thank you for you input, but…" conversations during the planning of my (fairly traditional) wedding.
Heather said
What a useful post – Those are great! Usually people are only voicing their opinions because they care about you, and they don't realize how annoying or insulting it might be. In these instances a little diplomacy goes a long way towards preventing any fights or hurt feelings. I can't imagine anyone taking offense at those responses.
Every wedding, even the most traditional and inoffensive, has it's detractors. It's like raising children – everyone believes that there is ONE right way to do it, and that is THEIR way!
Ariel said
Shelly: As with most photos on OBB, you can click on the picture to go to the photo's source and learn more.
Rebekah said
These are so amazing that I almost wish someone would hurry up and say something offensive about my wedding so I can use one.
I only have 2 days left… I better call my FMIL and tell her about all the stuff I'm hiding from her!!
Alison said
Awesome for everyday conversations.
Thanks Ariel!
Jennifer said
No kidding Shelly about these being useful even for non-offbeat topics! I've had to use phrases like this twice on people telling to wear my hair curly instead of wavy!
Mandi said
Yeah, I think my parents/friends would just laugh at me if I told them any of that. I think they are just so used to me being sarcastic, they would not understand how serious the situation is!
JustaRabbit said
Thank you! I'm writing these down and putting them next to the telephone right now
raven said
I love you SO much. I just sent that to my sister, I'm sure she'll get a giggle out of it as well.
Sabrina said
Thank you Ariel – that is so thoughtful of you to post something like this! My problem has been that I go ahead and say any of those (or something similar), and the person in question (a) doesn't really listen past the first sentence, and then (b) PERSISTS with the opinion they were expressing in the first place (i.e. no matter what you say it doesn't really shut them up). But it's still nice to know you are thinking about us, and how we can handle things in a positive way!
Jaimie said
In that case, "No, thank you" is probably your best bet. Short, sweet and directly to the point. Like a sugar-covered dagger.
rodrigues said
This might just be your most useful post ever, and that is really saying something. Thanks for solving 95% of my wedding stress!!!
Hopium said
I am taking all those and memorising them.
Fan-flippin-tastic!
Jaime said
You seriously rock.
Thank you!
April said
omg seriously im gonna carry my laptop over to my ma, and read one of these off to her. i cant get her off the whole fukn dress crap. I want one thing she wont buy anything that she doesnt like and well since the rents are paying for the whole wedding im almost fukd, the only thing i have going for me is the threat of eloping!
Amber Rules said
April – I just had a moment of terror with my Mum about my dress (blue, burlesque-inspired and being custom made by a dress maker friend, therefore kind of expensive)…long story short, I am usually very anti expensive/designer clothes for lots of environmental, political and social reasons, so my mother was so shocked when I told her how much it was that she wrote me a snarky email about how I could get a much cheaper off the rack dress and still look just as nice. Problem with that is my mother has a very different taste in dresses to me, and I have an enormous set of boobs that make shopping fairly traumatic (and I fugging hate shopping anyway.) The thought of having a beautiful, custom made, very special dress made by a friend made me so happy, especially since it would fit me in all the right places and I wouldn't have to trek around the whole of Sydney throwing tanties and crying when when I got stroppy and hot.
Anyway, I sent my Mum a very sensitive email (it was a bit long but I felt that it was neccessary) explaining all of this to her, and that it was as much about reducing stress, feeling special on the day, etc. To her credit, as soon as she understood my motivation, she insisted I get the dress made and she is paying for the whole thing (rather than the half she agreed to.)
I guess my point is that when I have been very, very honest with people and let them know our motivations for doing certain things, that understanding goes a long way to helping people back off. Everyone has their ideas about weddings and I have had a few very insensitive comments from near strangers about why we're planning certain things (such as a combined Bucks/Hens party)and I think the most disarming thing you can use in these circumstances is complete honesty E.g; because neither of us think strippers are appropriate or relevant to celebrating our upcoming wedding and it would make us both uncomfortable if we knew all the boys or girls were off at a seedy pub with a half naked man/woman griding their genitals in my fiances face. THAT shut a few people up!
Sorry about the long post – just really get what you're talking about here! Hope this helps a little bit.
Amber
steph said
In the 6 or so months since I started planning our June 2009 wedding, I have been surprised and amazed at the unsolicited opinions!!! It is probably the single most disappointing part of being engaged. I still like the direction our wedding is going, but I have had several times where I've second guessed myself and changed my plans. For instance, I originally wanted my bridesmaids to pick out their own yellow dresses — I didn't care that they wouldn't match. I really don't like matchy-matchy anyway. I WANTED the individuality and randomness of seeing each bridesmaid in her own dress. Not everybody looks good in the same dress. But surprisingly, the response I heard from the 'maids was, "It would be a lot easier if you just picked one and we could just get measured and they order it and that's it. I mean that's just so easy."
Easy enough.
Oh. Okay. That's how you want it?
So I picked out one dress from J.Crew and was kind enough to let them know when it went sale for about half price.
PurpleLily said
The same thing happened to me! I really wanted my bridesmaids to wear a dress that suited them and that they would wear again so I put across the idea of them just buying a blue dress that they liked, but they preferred the idea of me just chosing one dress that they could all buy and that would be "another thing out of the way". So I picked out an Ezibuy dress that I liked (and just happened to be on sale) and they're trying them on tomorrow:)
I'm having difficulties with my parents and as they have generously offered to pay for a large percentage of our wedding it is really hard to stand up to them as I would normally do. My Mother thankfully loves my short 50s style dress with coloured petticoat but is very determined that other things are more traditional like flowers, table decorations, favours etc and my Father doesn't really like our reception venue. It just makes things a little stressful when it doesn't need to be. not only that but we are having arguments over our guest list as he wants to invite his friends which is fine but we are only inviting 60 guests and there are alot of friends that my FH and I would like to be there. All this on top of completing the last year of my law degree arrrggghhh!
April said
Amber: I have had this type of convo with ma she is more of a hmm how do i put this.. momzilla! all i wanted was a short tea-length dress and a colored crin. OH HELL NO!!! i have to have a long one, then i tried the well if its long its red, thats fine but cant be all red, then its no i dont like it. jeezopete! IM OVER THE DRESSES!!!!!!! but thank you amber it was a good post its funny most of my friends are like im kinda ashamed of you your a such a strong person tell it how it is type person, and your letting ur ma take over your wedding? im like um ya you dont now ma. So for now ill go sulk and try on the ones she likes, and hope for something to feel good to me. I just havent gotten close to that "omg this is my dress" feeling, im not quite sure it exhists and that peeps who get it are lying or im just devoid of that emotion at this point!. yea sorry for the long post too, and thanks guys!!
Peggy said
Wow. I tried to describe my frustration to my fiance like this…planning a wedding is like getting sucked into a black hole…even if you KNOW what you want even the vendors, (wedding dress shops, etc.) try to urge you to buy more "bridey" stuff. Plus it seems like the woman gets hit with all the questions about the wedding. Ug! Some have caused me to second-guess myself. It seems the guys don't get hit with all this stuff. Anyway, he got it, and helped with some of it. I swear, though, I'm saving this blog for "after" the wedding, when I'm sure SOMEONE will have SOMETHING negative to say. pffffft!
Christa said
I freaking love you! This is going to help a TON. Thank you!
Nia said
Cassie: bwahaha! See, that is the phrasing I'd use….
I'm bookmarking this post. Unfortunately, I'm sure some of these will end up being mantras by the time we're done….
erika said
This is a great post! Luckily, I haven't had the occasion to use these a whole lot, since our family and friends (ie., everyone who's invited) is really cool with our nontraditional style. But these nuggets will get filed in the "Next time someone completely unrelated to me and nowhere close to even being invited decides to give me flak" folder.
Estella said
These are great. My partner and I recently got engaged and have already put some of these ideas in play. Another thing that we did was got everyone in our family a copy of the book, "Difficult Conversations," which was sufficiently not about weddings to not be sappy, but sharp enough to apply to and hopefully improve family relations in general. Highly recommend it to anyone dealing with others!
Brenda said
I have to say that the snarky comments made by people we know has been the most depressing part of the wedding planning. Since misery loves company, I do feel a tad bit better that I'm not the only out here.
But it would make my day completely if everyone remembered the words of motherly wisdom "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."
Now off to post a link to this from my wedding blog. Cheers and good wedding karma to everyone!