Copy 'n' paste conflict resolution (aka How to say "fuck off" and "I love you" and "this conversation is over" all at the same time)
Posted by Ariel · Advice

lol I love #2. "Wow, it's so amazing you felt comfortable enough to totally march up to me and make your own demands on MY wedding. You've got balls. Kudos."

I am so totally using that. (The nicely worded version.)

I know this is a side note, but oh my gosh, do you know where those robot cake toppers came from. they may be the cutest things i've ever seen!

also, I think this is a great post b/c I think it applies to all weddings. I think the more offbeat the wedding, the more you might need to use these quotes but I think that people will (loudly) disagree with choices made in traditional weddings as well.
I'm divorced now, but I definitely had a few "thank you for you input, but…" conversations during the planning of my (fairly traditional) wedding.

Shelly: As with most photos on OBB, you can click on the picture to go to the photo's source and learn more.

Awesome for everyday conversations.
Thanks Ariel!

Yeah, I think my parents/friends would just laugh at me if I told them any of that. I think they are just so used to me being sarcastic, they would not understand how serious the situation is!

I love you SO much. I just sent that to my sister, I'm sure she'll get a giggle out of it as well.

This might just be your most useful post ever, and that is really saying something. Thanks for solving 95% of my wedding stress!!!

You seriously rock.

Thank you!

April – I just had a moment of terror with my Mum about my dress (blue, burlesque-inspired and being custom made by a dress maker friend, therefore kind of expensive)…long story short, I am usually very anti expensive/designer clothes for lots of environmental, political and social reasons, so my mother was so shocked when I told her how much it was that she wrote me a snarky email about how I could get a much cheaper off the rack dress and still look just as nice. Problem with that is my mother has a very different taste in dresses to me, and I have an enormous set of boobs that make shopping fairly traumatic (and I fugging hate shopping anyway.) The thought of having a beautiful, custom made, very special dress made by a friend made me so happy, especially since it would fit me in all the right places and I wouldn't have to trek around the whole of Sydney throwing tanties and crying when when I got stroppy and hot.

Anyway, I sent my Mum a very sensitive email (it was a bit long but I felt that it was neccessary) explaining all of this to her, and that it was as much about reducing stress, feeling special on the day, etc. To her credit, as soon as she understood my motivation, she insisted I get the dress made and she is paying for the whole thing (rather than the half she agreed to.)

I guess my point is that when I have been very, very honest with people and let them know our motivations for doing certain things, that understanding goes a long way to helping people back off. Everyone has their ideas about weddings and I have had a few very insensitive comments from near strangers about why we're planning certain things (such as a combined Bucks/Hens party)and I think the most disarming thing you can use in these circumstances is complete honesty E.g; because neither of us think strippers are appropriate or relevant to celebrating our upcoming wedding and it would make us both uncomfortable if we knew all the boys or girls were off at a seedy pub with a half naked man/woman griding their genitals in my fiances face. THAT shut a few people up!

Sorry about the long post – just really get what you're talking about here! Hope this helps a little bit.

Amber

Amber: I have had this type of convo with ma she is more of a hmm how do i put this.. momzilla! all i wanted was a short tea-length dress and a colored crin. OH HELL NO!!! i have to have a long one, then i tried the well if its long its red, thats fine but cant be all red, then its no i dont like it. jeezopete! IM OVER THE DRESSES!!!!!!! but thank you amber it was a good post its funny most of my friends are like im kinda ashamed of you your a such a strong person tell it how it is type person, and your letting ur ma take over your wedding? im like um ya you dont now ma. So for now ill go sulk and try on the ones she likes, and hope for something to feel good to me. I just havent gotten close to that "omg this is my dress" feeling, im not quite sure it exhists and that peeps who get it are lying or im just devoid of that emotion at this point!. yea sorry for the long post too, and thanks guys!!

I freaking love you! This is going to help a TON. Thank you!

This is a great post! Luckily, I haven't had the occasion to use these a whole lot, since our family and friends (ie., everyone who's invited) is really cool with our nontraditional style. But these nuggets will get filed in the "Next time someone completely unrelated to me and nowhere close to even being invited decides to give me flak" folder.

I have to say that the snarky comments made by people we know has been the most depressing part of the wedding planning. Since misery loves company, I do feel a tad bit better that I'm not the only out here.

But it would make my day completely if everyone remembered the words of motherly wisdom "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."

Now off to post a link to this from my wedding blog. Cheers and good wedding karma to everyone!

I'm about to have the "I appreciate you wanting what you think is best for me, but we are not going to have the (completely different for each of you) wedding you wished you'd had. And P.s we'll have a skelleton cake topper if we want to!" talk with my divorced parents who each think the other is deciding things about the wedding without them. I may end up using ALL of those cut and paste answers lol.

It seems like so many people are too focused on what a wedding should be that they forget what it actually is.

How do you inform someone that they are not invited? My in-laws think they are coming to my sister's wedding!

yeah, that's a good way to break it. thanks!

OMG, I wish i had read this before the awful argument I had with my sister tonight! I was told off because I did not want to wear the wedding dress my mother bought me, it was shiny and backless, and I thought, unflattering. But seriously it did not cost thousands it was under $50. I was also told off for not including my mother in our preparations, hello she just came back a week ago after being overseas for two months and our wedding is next week!!! I did not want to wear white, but have because my mother asked me to. I did not want bridesmaids but was told i should have my sisters as bridesmaids. Then I was told that it was amazing that I was even getting married! That was just offensive. To say the least it was horrible and rather depressing for about an hour. Meanwhile I will brace myself for the next round of abuse for not wearing the jewelry that was bought for me to wear, not because i don't like it (Ilove it) but simply because i do not feel it compliments the dress. I will keep the advice handy, that's for sure!!!

LOL. Good.

I wish I'd had this a year ago…it would have saved me a lot of stress (and may save me some stress on the day).

but instead I'm now like the chief defender of all brides-to-be. I wear my pants on the outside. I should have a veil/cape. Never will I stand by and let the injustice of wedding poopers go unpunished!!

I've got the MIL that is upset with ME that our wedding is small, even though it was among her son's most crucial requirements. I understand those of you that are going unheard, regardless of how or what you say. She's like this about almost everything in general, so I've learned to let it pass over me. It makes you angry at first, but you need to keep in mind that their motivation is usually love-based. I've gotten to where I make jokes about it. Laughing about ridiculous behavior is very soothing. Remember what Ariel is saying, this isn't just about saying fuck-off. This is also about saying I love you even when you don't understand me.

I LOVE the title of this post. Thank you so much. The past week has involved dealing with a controlling cousin and her father (my uncle) and how they want to deal with my cousin's kids at my wedding. Before I had even formulated a policy, they started badmouthing. At one point (during another cousin's wedding where Bad Cousin let her 20 month old chatter throughout the ceremony), she turns to me and says, "I was thinking YES to ceremony, NO to cocktail hour and dinner." Hmmm. Whose wedding?

And +1 to Estella's comment about Difficult Conversations!!! I have the book, and the thought of reading it to deal with this actually flashed through my mind just yesterday. I haven't yet gotten to the part of the book where they tell you what to do when the other side is not terribly evolved. But the introduction promises they do address that.

I love Internet therapy.

I'm marrying a MtF transgendered girl and we're both kinky as heck, and I've already had to change my wedding from ~my~ kind of late night somebody's screaming in a good way party to a family-friendly pool party.

My folks may or may not attend, even so.

That's just too bad. These return volleys are WONDERFUL. I might yet have my father show up, if I use one of these. *smiling*

Wish me luck – 45 days to go!

Just found this thread. Engaged recently with 4 months to plan. Love some of the ideas! Offbeat bride is what I was planning without realising it. I'm so old now that I think my family is just plain releived, and will be delighted to come to anything! They havent had a chance to dress up for 20 years since my sister's one. She is looking forward to donning a feather boa and sequins, as she has never had the occasion to wear them and her kids are grown up now. He's not far behind me age wise, and with both his much older sisters twice married! Families seem releived they are not being asked to fork out. Might make a difference to the pressure on your wedding decisions with families if you are young couples or first in the fold to be married. Puts it into perspective – also nothing dates a period of fashion like an in-vogue wedding dress. your pics will always be timeless (get some black and white ones also to confuse the great grandkids!) Best of luck all. Linda (UK)

It is very hard to manage relationship conflict due to lack of knowledge, conversational skills and immatureness. All these things are necessary for relationship conflict management. We have to take care of all the little things which will turn in to most aggressive talks and conflicts and finally results in to breakup and divorce. When your spouse gets angry then you have to remain calm so that your partner forced to think that you still love and want him. And always remain try to be decent during conversation whether your are fighting or discussing something. And give chance to your partner to express his/her needs and desires from you. It will generate a trustworthy bond between both of the partners.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/couples-proble...

Got engaged 4 days ago. Yep, 4 days. I've already been told that we can't get married in June or July because that won't work for one friend, that we can't get married in the park we want because it has sentimental value to another, that we can't get married the day we want because the trees won't have leaves yet, and that the dress I have picked out isn't cutting-edge-designery enough. Oh, and apparently I have to have a ton of bridesmaids and they all have to look alike. One friend's mom started researching venues and availability WITHOUT ASKING (I've met her 3 times). This post is going to save my life. Printing NOW.