Ack: my fiance saw me in my wedding dress
Fashion Advice
By
on November 25, 2008
44
I went shopping for a dress with my mother, and we took photos of the dress I loved the most. Back at my mum's house, we looked at the pictures on the computer. Later that day, my fiance got on the computer and I realised too late that my mum hadn't closed the photo program. I was quick enough to cover the screen and close the program, but I know he caught a glance. What do I do? Do I abandon this one on superstitious grounds and find something else? Or does the fact that the dress was 4 sizes too big, and that it will have a lot of adjustments to the length mean it doesn't matter? -Donna
Donna, it absolutely 100% does not matter. Keep the dress.
Superstitions mean different things to different people, but this particular one isn't worth losing sleep over. The idea behind the groom not seeing your dress is that he'll sees you in a new, special light on your wedding day, right? That because he's never seen this dress, he's inspired and blown over by your bridal beauty. But here's the thing: YOUR GROOM DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DRESS.
Now, I'm not saying men don't care about fashion or that guys don't like gowns, because some of them absolutely do. But most of us, whether male OR female, don't look at our beloveds and see their clothing first. We look at their face. We breath in that special yummy smell that only they seem to have. We touch their skin and smile back at them. We soak up their essence.
Sure: if your beloved is wearing something fancy, you'll appreciate it. Something fancy and new? Novel! But when you're committing yourself to someone, the focus of your attention isn't on their dress. It isn't even on beauty. When you see your partner on your wedding day, you brim over with love and excitement and joy. There's a moment of "Oh my goodness look at you," but that's there regardless of whether he's seen some .jpg of you in a dress that bears some resemblance to what you're wearing on your wedding day.
All this is to say, don't lose one minute of rest over this issue. Keep the dress, and go smell your sweetie.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
jx said
just so.
you nailed it Ariel.
Katrina said
My fiance hasn't seen my dress yet, but he came very close to seeing a picture of me in it on my phone. I got a little angsty and I explained that it wasn't because I'm supestitious (i'm really not) but that I want him to be surprised and blown away and all those things. He looked at me and laughed and said "do you think if i see you walking down the aisle in a dress I've seen you try on, I'm going to go 'Ugh, she's wearing that old thing?'"
He's a smart cookie, my man.
Chris said
My fiance and I went shopping for a dress together last weekend! Rather than worrying if he saw it, you should ask him if he liked it.
meg said
more than a dozen people i know are getting married in the next 2 years. sanity has been in short supply in these parts. so thanks for battling the hysteria. it means a lot more than you might know.
blablover5 said
I had no qualms showing my guy pictures of me in the dress I tried on, then in the one I got and finally he came with to the final fitting.
If anything to me it made more sense for him to know this thing that I just spent a good deal of money on (not even close to as much as some other brides but still a lot for me) instead of leaving him completely in the dark.
Candace said
once i narrowed it down to a few dresses, i brought my fiance to help me choose. he helped me realize which one i was happiest in and ended up with a dress i absolutely love.
Sarah said
My fiance caught a glimpse of my dress hanging up. I decided not to worry about it. It's not like he saw you in it in the flesh. And even if he had, do you really think that will make or break your marriage? Really?
Lucy said
unless he works in fashion/costume/design he might remember the colour and if it was long or short – the rest won't stick in his head I bet.
If it's the right dress, it's the right dress (whether he caught a peek or not)!
Sarah TX said
I was so excited after I bought my dress, I put it back on the minute I got home and pranced around the house like a swan princess (can you tell I was really happy with it?)
And yet, when 'dude first saw me come down the stairs from the bridal room, he was completely blown away. We were both glowing. It was magical, not because of the beautiful dress, but because of beautiful him and beautiful me and what we were about to do.
donna said
thanks everyone!
aw, i know the dress isn't the most important thing, i just have a habit of being overly superstitious.. which is stupid really because i'm trying not to stick to conventions here!
i actually wanted him to come with me, but his mum wouldn't let him.
haha, when he saw the photo he said "all i saw was a white blob".. !!! but then he re-phrased and said he meant that he didn't see it clearly enough to spoil it.
anyway, yes, you're all right. it doesn't matter at all. thanks for your comments!
Laura Mars said
Lovely advice, Ariel. Absolutely perfect.
Now I'm off to smell my snuggle bear…
Eliza said
I wanted to bring my husband with me when I went shopping because I trust his judgement of what looks good on me (along with my mother, FMIL and best friend, who did come with), but he didn't want to. He said that was the one silly traditional thing he wanted – to keep the dress a secret until the big reveal. He even freaked out when I did almost the exact same thing and he caught a glimpse on the computer. Of course now, if you ask him to describe my dress, he can't do it. He remembers that he thought I looked beautiful. So catching a glimpse of the dress didn't do any damage. Walking under a ladder is waaaaaaaay worse!
Becca said
Having him not see you in your dress is silly, especially since you will be spending so much money on it, right? Don't you want him to like it? I mean… not that the decision shouldn't be yours, but wouldn't you want him to think you are crazy beautiful on your wedding day> I don't know…. Once I found a dress online that I liked, I took him to the store to take pics, and once I saw the reaction on his face, i took it off and bought it. Its all in the reaction on his face…
Marina said
I think "go smell your sweetie" is the solution to all my wedding woes.
east side bride said
My theory is that the "bad luck" superstition dates back to arranged marriages when they didn’t want the groom to bolt if he didn’t like the looks of the bride.
Goddess Leonie I Creative Goddess said
So so gorgeous
Love this advice Ariel.
And yar, I think 90% of the male population will see a white dress as a white dress as a white dress… they all sorta look alike
I totally believe the day is allll about the love, less about the what we're wearing
Sabrina said
Ariel, you are truly da bomb!
I agree with the other posters – even if he did catch a glimpse of it, it totally won't stick in his head, and it will be nothing compared to you wearing it while glowing with happiness on your wedding day
Meg said
Excellently put! You're right. I won't look very hard at his suit the day of.
I've dragged my sweetie around to look at some dresses, believe you me. I'm more worried that he wouldn't like it than anything (Happened to a friend! Wasn't allowed to see the dress, was shocked at the Altar with how revealing the dress was. Not a good kind of shock for either half of the couple).
But yes, partners, at least mine, have lots of wedding opinions, but the gown is very far down his list (Except! He does not want it to be *shiny* this much he was clear about). Listen when they say "Honey, I care about this." If I've learned one thing wedding planning it's that when they say "Honey, I don't care about this." They really don't.
And good luck Donna!
Sarah said
My groom has made it his mission to not see my dress… to the point that it's not even allowed in our house and he won't even use my laptop to check his e-mail cuz there's pics of it on there!
I find it to be the biggest pain in the ass ever! I wanna show off my new goodie to my FH, and I can't!! I have to get it from my MOH when I got to have it altered, or for my seamstress to measure it for the crinoline, and if I wanna just wear it around the house vacuuming, no chance.
I WISH my fiance would be cool with seeing it!
Astrid said
OH HEY THAT'S ME.
Boo (Kell) said
My Husband was with me on the day I chose my dress. he took photos of me wearing it when I picked it up and because we eloped, he even helped me get dressed into it on the wedding day. Sure, he'd seen it before but helping each other get ready was one of the sweetest parts of the day. As for a surprise, I wore a Liverpool Football Club garter and the look on his face when I showed him (while we were sorting out the corset) was just as special.
If you're anything like us, you'll both be so excited on the day that you could be wearing a hessian sack. That's not to say you should wear a hessian sack (unless that's your thing) but following every single tradition to a tee will no doubt drive you crazy.
My Husband and I slept in the same room the night before and helped each other get ready. I think we broke every tradition and superstitious point. We still got butterflies and excitement walking down the aisle. The moment takes over. Seriously, don't sweat the small stuff!
Alison said
he won't remember. Trust me.
Rachel said
I thought it might be a good idea to let you know the history of how this superstition came about. It might make you feel better about him seeing your dress.
It isn't that he's not supposed to see the dress, he's not supposed to see you before the wedding. The dress just gets carried over to the superstition. This is from the days of arranged marriages that were based on class and politics. The father didn't want the groom to see the bride in case he didn't like her and took off, rendering the deal made for the arranged marriage null and void. This is also one of the reasons for the veil.
So don't worry about it. He isn't concerned and neither should you be.
Mem said
My other half helped me choose my dress. However, I don't want him to see me in it before the big day – more because I want him to see me and go "HOLY CRAP THAT'S AMAZING" than due to any tradition.
He thinks this idea is a load of dingo's kidneys. I may yet change my mind.
Christie said
Im really glad this came up. I really wanted to show my fiance and i think the only reason either of us have not requested/just shown him is because of this superstition! Rock the dress you want, who cares sees it, just means u get more then ur one day out if it!!!
Once and Future Bride said
My first husband was with me when I found, tried on, and bought my dress. The divorce had nothing to do with him seeing the dress and everything to do with him being a nitwit. If your fiance's not a nitwit, don't sweat it.
Miranda said
This is true for me also, except I am the nitwit, not my ex (mostly…he's a perfectly nice man, just wasn't the right man for me to marry….)
I took him with me dress shopping because I was planning a wedding from two states away, so I shopped for the dress in the town where we lived, where I didn't know anyone else, so who else was going to go with?? Besides, did I care if my mom liked the way it looked? uh, no. Did I care if my friends liked the way it looked? uh, no. The person I wanted to impress was HIM, so well, duh, that's who should have some input, right?