Offbeat Bride & Diversity
Posted by Ariel · Mailbag

Actually, if I wanted a sari, I probably would ask here first.

Hi, I am maori, tongan and pakeha(NZ european) and about to marry an irish fella. We feel really close to our cultures but also usually viewed as subversive due to our femininist, 'hippie', 'alternaitve' ways and views. Though we are including alot of culturally traditional features into the wedding, I would still consider it Offbeat. Off beat in the sense that we are puting US into the event (its over three days hence 'event') and along with the karanga and irish dancing there will be dreaded barefoot hippies, hairy armpits and legs – men and women – fire twirling, vegan food and probably dancing that will raise a few eyebrows. Though I may not see anyone on here that I can idenitfy with ethnicially, culturally, racially i do identify with a whole lot of strong, amazingly articulate and open-minded women!!! (and men!!)

Glad to help!

I totally totally agree. There is a shocking lack of diversity in the wedding world in general I think. It's funny, I was about to write "in the online wedding world," which would be true, but then I realized the lack of diversity in the print wedding media is even more shocking. I'm really glad you brought this up!

Also, from the point of view of planning a Jewish wedding, I've found that there are not a whole lot of resources if you are planning a cultural ceremony, be it Indian, Jewish, Chinese, or what have you. And if you have something of a indie ethos – but are planning a wedding in a culture where tradition is really important there are even fewer places to look. But I'd circle back to the fact that if you are planning a wedding in a minority community, there is additional (or different) importance attached to tradition. Somehow saying "to hell with all these Jewish traditions, were not using any of them" just two generations after the Holocaust seems like too much. Plus, sometimes it feels very counter-cultural to be planning a Jewish wedding. Both because most people don't understand the traditions in the first place, and because the value system already is set up to give priority to community and other typically counter-cultural values. So for us at least, our indie/offbeat/counter-culture instincts are all there, but might seem a bit more subdued. So none of that is from the perspective of a person of color, but from a religious minority point of view.

I've just had to come back to this because there's something I don't get. Surely this site is all about showing anyone that they can plan the wedding they want.

I aim to feature diverse weddings in terms of style, location, sexual orientation, etc. … but you’re not the only one to be frustrated by the lack of color

I think this site does a grand job at showing a wide range of all those diversities and if people think a friend may be interested in what you have to say, then they should pass it on. They might be black, they might be white, they might be steampunk, they might be techy geeks…. but what they all have in common is they want a wedding of their own style and loves. It seems to me that if you try and 'target' ethnic minorities then you're going off the track. This site isn't about making sure you tick all the boxes. It's about sharing the general point of view. Going back to my earlier point, you'll only increase the 'range' of contributors when people 'resist the urge' and tell their friends.

I just wanted to point out that many People of Color do not necessarily appear to be POC to someone who doesn't know what to look for.

I am a queer, white woman with a disability. My partner is a mixed-race transguy who appears white to those who don't know better. Despite his clearly Latino name and his mixed Latino/Native/Black roots, he doesn't "read" as a POC in photos. Every shade of the rainbow is represented in communities of color. While it's true that those who "pass" have a different world experience than those who do not (who gets followed around an expensive store, for example?) it's also true that there are stressors and strains on POC who pass, in that they are often marginalized by all of the various groups they may represent.

It's just something to keep in mind – I certainly don't presume to speak on behalf of anyone. However, it's something I try to remember in my daily life – folks are not always what/who you assume they are.

All that said, we'll make sure to send you pictures of our Big Gay Wedding. It's Nov 1 2008. I'm on OBT as well, as Aimgrrrl.

It's something that's been hinted at in the comments above but never explicitly stated: Is it possible there are less minority offbeat brides because their traditions and ceremonies are more likely to reflect actual values and to be real traditions? In my ceremony and reception I wasn't just being different for different's sake, I was creating meaning and community for myself outside of the restraints of a typical American wedding.

I also think we're working with different idioms and we might not recognize offbeatness when it looks different than what we're accustomed to.

Not sure if this helps much, but I'm asian =) We got married on a farm, I wore a blue Wai-ching dress, we crafted all of our flowers, and we had Ben&Jerry's ice cream cake! A handful of pictures (that I already added to the offbeatbride group) are here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peihanandmichael

Might be a good connection…http://www.chocolatebridesmagazine.com/

Beige Bride here putting in 2 cents!

I think any real/perceived lack of diversity here is not an OBB issue, but rather a computer/internet issue and a Industrial Wedding Complex (both print,tv and internet)issue.

From an Asian standpoint, there may not be a huge population of minority OBBs because of the importance of tradition. There are many, many, many traditions in the Asian cultures that you must follow. Old school Asian parents demand that their kids follow these traditions exactly or face severe arguments. Believe me…you don’t want to argue with an Asian mom!

Dear original comment-maker: I argue with my Chinese mum all the time. ;o)

On this topic, though: there are many, many traditions, regardless of ethnicity. The number of "big foofy white dress princess" sort of weddings I've been to in the last twelve months (with three more to come in the next twelve months) would definitely indicate that.

you bring up an interesting point — are cultural weddings “offbeat” because they’re embodying non-Christian-derivative traditions? I’ve actually resisted that definition, worried that it can come off as “Look at this wacky Indian wedding where the bride wore red! … Er, oh right: That’s traditional for an Indian wedding.”

Funnily enough, this is what kept me from commenting about my own wedding at first. It was very Chinese in aspects, but I feel that it was the other aspects of our wedding that made it off-beat, which you (generic you) have just as much opportunity to do whether you're Chinese or not!

i wouldn't want anyone to feel like their wedding is off-beat because it follows their cultural traditions. I would have an explanation of this on the site. That if you do feel outside of the WIC because of ________ your welcome here. Actually we would love to her about your wedding traditions and how fabulous you are, No matter what. I would make it more about everyone not interested in the WIC instead of just subculture brides. I got that vibe at first a little that it was mostly subcultures. And yes you are fricking awesome too.

First off, I want to thank Ariel and all the other OBT members who helped inspired me to do my wedding my way which was my wish from the beginning. I think of my wedding as two parts because it actually was in two parts, one here in California and the second in Mexico City where we met. I am from Mexico City and my husband is from California with Mexican-Guatemalan roots.

When we first got married here Ariel's book wasn't out yet and I honestly had no idea how to incorporate our love for punk and ska and music into our wedding. we actually met in a show I was Throwing for his brother's band in Mexico City, I knew the lead singer of the band. Other than our blue cake, him having long hair, and me having short hair … our wedding in California was mostly traditional but when I found this website I realized there were other freaks (I mean that in a loving way) like us who wanted to proclaim their love in a different way.

I always wanted to celebrate our wedding in Mexico City because my BFFs weren't able to come to the wedding over here and I just wanted to share that special moment with them and other friends who weren't here. So two years after, we were able to celebrate with a Batman/Superman theme and with help from this wonderful website.

As a Mexican we incorporated Mexican food into our wedding(s) -cheese enchiladas here and vegetarian pozole over there made by my grandma who is vegetarian herself- and I showed off my tattoos on both.

I think sharing who you are, both what you grew up in and what your culture is, is what makes the even special. For our friends and families (mostly all Latinos) as long as there's food, drink and dancing, it's all good!

So I agree that as people of color, we have to agree to certain traditions but we can also add a special touch that will make it an original *very you* wedding, at least that's I've learned from this website, there's no right or wrong, it's about personalization. You can check the pics of our wedding in Mexico City here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/denisecf/

I'm a Mexican/Asian Indian bride marrying a Danish homebrewer in Los Angeles. I'm very non-traditional however am including some cultural things into our offbeat wedding. I'm wearing my mom's sari that she wore in Las Vegas when she married my dad in the 60's. I'm going to decorate the ceremony with papel picado (cut paper banners) and mexican paper flowers. We're trying to find glass danish "drinking horns" for our toasts. Danish wedding cake. We'll have Indian vegetarian food. Those are the traditions, but there are a lot of other fun offbeat things that I don't want to give away until afterwards. Basically the culture is a great backdrop for design inspiration. I love this site and the book!

I'm a wedding photographer and have found that most of my non-traditional couples are white. I agree with some of the other posters that there are a lot of traditions that most people feel they need to follow especially in a tight knit cultural family. My mom, who is from India originally, was disappointed at first when I told her of my plans, but is now excited since she's given up her "traditional" ideas for the wedding. Now she's excited by the tarot card readers and bellydancers we'll be having, without the church and the arch to get married under. Hopefully more of we non traditional, ethnic brides will post more here.

you wrote: I see a bazillion tattooed white women, but very very few black hippie brides, goth asian brides, steampunk latina brides, rockabilly native american brides, etc.

i'm hoping the "etc" includes eclectic expressions of anything else, otherwise i'd wonder why OB must ID as hippie/goth/steampunk/rockabilly to be OB.

while it didn't have a clear/clean OB theme as described above, my ex and i sprinkled some OB stuff in our wedding:
-the rsvp cards were a photo of the guest in question made into a postcard; where we didn't have a photo, we used one of the free postcards you could find in racks in nyc bars and restaurants back then (most had HIV education slogans)
-guests changed into picnic clothes for the backyard bbq reception
-the 3 cakes (sm, med & lg) were sculpted to look like picnic baskets spilling flowers
-my mother's church lady posse received large bowls a few weeks before and asked to fill them with picnic fare and bring to the reception
-a friend put turntables on the upstairs porch and pumped the tunes; all the neighborhood was welcome and it turned into a block party

for the record: my fam is black, the ex's peeps are white, korean, mexican and native american

i'll be sure to send you shots and details on wedding #2, planned for next spring, which will likely include a christian lesbian officiant, skulls, knives, a sleeveless tux, a vegas club vibe and the bride entering in a silver spiderweb dress to a song she will sing herself. don't even get me started on the swingers and the sex toys.

As a black person and as one who has attended many weddings within my culture, some of my racial peers deem these subcultures as something for "crazy White people" thru perpatuating the ignorance and making African-Americans who like and partake of these subcultures feel like outcasts (within their own race, I might add). Blacks in general are very wary as far as expressing a love for punk rock, hippie, goth, etc. subculture as it is, so hosting a wedding based on this subculture is even more impossible. It has to start from within really. As soon as Blacks in general become more accepting of these subcultures that don't necessarily include rap and R&B, the more offbeat brides of color will come out of the woodwork and proudly display their wedding handiwork.
P.S.-As someone who is heavily into retro/rockabilly culture, I will come back to share my nuptials (WHENEVER they happen), provided that my traditonal family, or the potentially traditonal family of the groom (whoever that may turn out to be), doesn't take over or force me to elope…

Thanks for chiming in, Cassandra — when you mention the African American couple that also danced down the aisle, did you mean Myshell & Hannibal? http://offbeatbride.com/2009/06/myshell-hannibals... I actually preferred their wedding dancing, and wondered to myself why Jill & Kevin's wedding got so much more attention …

I remain super dedicated to getting more diversity on Offbeat Bride, and feel like we're doing a better job than most lily-white wedding blogs. That said, it's genuinely hard work to find diverse couples to feature, but it's important to me to try to always keep striving toward more and more diversity. Looking through the last couple months of wedding porn, I feel like we're getting better … but still have a long way to go.

It's worth checking out this link for a glance at OBB's couples of color: http://offbeatbride.com/tag/offbeat-couples-of-co... (and does anyone have a better tag name for that? It's awkward, but I can't think of anything better.)