I am in a similar but all together different situation. I am a trans woman marrying a trans man.

Keep up the good advice.

Bianca

My partner is also a transman, and I identify as queer. Both of us previously identified as lesbians, but he was already living as male when we began dating. When we talk about our (very nebulous, far in the future) nuptuals, we think we'll address it in the same way we address his trans status in the rest of our lives. To everyone who knows and loves us, we're completely open. To distant family members and acquaintances, we don't bring up trans stuff unless they do (in which case, we're completely truthful and open). Honestly, if we were close to them, they'd already know.

I also think Elroi's advice about telling people in advance is great. If you can't bring yourself to send everyone a letter, try telling a few key people how you're feeling and let the lesbian post/ gossip train do the rest. You'll be amazed how fast news travels. Anyone who has issues will be prepared or just won't show up.

(As a side note: I'm lucky enough to know Aly and Elroi in real life, and they're both as caring and smart lovely in real life as they are beautiful in their wedding photos – which says a lot. You might also look for more info on Aly and Elroi's wedding in kvetch or in their Logo wedding special)

To clarify, no, my partner does not go by the same name. However, he doesn't like people to know or use his previous name. We met at the beginning of his transition so most of my friends/family don't know him by that name either. The majority of the folks at the wedding already know about our relationship/gender/identity dynamics, but it's my faraway aunts and uncles (who my mother insists must come) who are in the dark. He has family who knows (grandparents, aunts) but who have never seen him since he's transitioned. We're still unsure of how they are going to respond to the invite.

I think Elroi is right and I want to say something to my family before the wedding. I will likely email them and explain. I asked my father what he thought about speaking to them and he was very uncomfortable, but I don't want to worry about this around the time of my wedding. Ultimately, I want people I want people to be there who are loving and supportive. I don't want someone freaking out about a lot of the queer aspects of our wedding and there will be many.

In print, he would prefer to go by gender-neutral pronouns such as ‘ze’ or ‘hir’. In an ideal world those pronouns would work for speech too but whenever I try to use them I end up feeling like I’m faking an accent, ala Madonna or something.

I was definitely more thoughtful in writing this post.