Transgender groom
Where is my manual on throwing a wedding with a partner who is transgender?! Both of us previously identified as lesbians, but now it’s “Hey, I don’t have a girlfriend anymore but a boyfriend, but I’m still gay, but we’re getting legally married as male and female, but but but…” Do I let guests show up and see my big queer event with my male partner and have them think whatever they want? -Becky
Hey, Becky. I’ve got my answer, but first I’m bringing in the expertise of Elroi Windsor, who Offbeat Bride readers may remember from this inspiring queer wedding. Elroi is an Instructor and Doctoral Student of Sociology at Georgia State University with a focus on gender issues, and this was hir perspective:
Becky really should just deal with everything up front, before the wedding, so she doesn’t have to deal with it during. That way, she’ll only have people present who support her and her partner.
If everyone knows her as a lesbian, and knew the couple as a lesbian couple, then she needs to explain to everyone what’s up if she wants them at the wedding. It’s up to her to set the limits about what’s ok and not ok to ask about when she relays the news.
Another option for her is to create a standard email with the news, a brief explanation, and a link to some other helpful resources. The internet has tons of how-to-come-out-to-your-family resources for trans people and their partners. Becky may want to link up to one of those she finds useful.It can be tiring explaining everything to everyone, but the mental and emotional toll can be reduced if you connect folks to the resources that are abundantly available.
Now, as for my response to the question, I’ve got some nitty gritty thoughts: Is your partner still going by the same name? If not, that could be the easiest solution. Just announce, “I’m marrying John, formerly known as Jane.”
If your partner kept his former name (ie, something gender-neutral like Corey or Chris), then maybe you can just say “I’m marrying Corey — who has legally transitioned to be male.”
Above all else, I agree with Elroi that your best way to deal with it is head-on. I’ve been really inspired by Megan Wallent, a Microsoft exec who transitioned very publicly last fall from her previous life as Michael Wallent. She created a blog to address the issue publicly and when I interviewed her she said:
I could have said “This is what I’m doing, but I’m not going to talk about it. Suck it up.” But if you do that, you give the power to the people outside yourself, because you no longer own the message.
While transitioning in a work context is different than transitioning in a family context, you probably want to face the issue with the same transparency. People are going to talk — you might as well own the conversation! Plus, if you get all the questions out of the way before the wedding, then people can just focus on the beauty and magic of the actual event.
PS: Thanks to Our Labor Of Love for the great photo of Elroi.
Comments
13 responses to this entryKymba
September 29th, 2008 · 12:29 PM · #I love the way you handled this … I have a small set of friends who are in transition, and I think that their partners have the hardest time! Afterall, they still consider themselves queer, but are in love with someone who is legally becoming the opposite gender now. Gender transitioning brings out so many issues for everyone who knows and loves the individual.
GorgesViola
September 29th, 2008 · 12:38 PM · #Mr.GV and I don’t have any trans stuff to address, but I just wanted to tell you how great I think this post is. I was already wowed by Aly & Elroi and their GORGEOUS wedding, but reading about Megan Wallent is also inspiring, and it’s great to hear from Elroi again. I love hearing smart people talk about issues that are so difficult for some people to understand.
Megan and Elroi are clear, concise, and understated in their approach to this - which makes people listen.
kelly
September 29th, 2008 · 12:59 PM · #Best wishes to Becky! It certainly puts worrying about things like decorations and readings into perspective, doesn’t it?
Meg
September 29th, 2008 · 1:32 PM · #This is why I love OBB from the bottom of my heart. Who writes about this stuff? No one! But you do! Amazing.
I agree, head on is the way to go. We had lesbian friends who got married and were trying to decide who in their big catholic family to invite. Awesomely one o fthe bride’s mom’s called a cousin and the conversation went like this:
“Hi, my daughter is getting married to her girlfriend, are you going to want to come?”…. “No, I don’t care at all why you think it’s wrong.”… “Nope, I just don’t care. But thanks, we’ll cross you off the invite list. Bye.”
So, agreed. Deal with it head on. Figure out who’s supportive. That is who you want to be standing with you when you make this commitment.
Chaely
September 29th, 2008 · 2:21 PM · #Good response. Mine would have been more along the lines of, “if they don’t know the couple well enough to know what the deal is, they don’t need to come to the wedding.” On the other hand, family matters aren’t always black & white.
However I don’t think that leaving the “coming out” to one line on an invitation will cut it, if there are family members who might be more religious or old-fashioned. In that position I think I would write a brief (less than 1 page) heartfelt letter BEFORE the invites go out & maybe package it with a save-the-date card. My family is all about principle & I could see people not coming to the wedding just because they felt caught off guard by the news. Or to be assholes, but still, I can see where my grandpa might feel blindsided if he got that news and the invitation in the same envelope.
Anyhow, my letter would state the whole situation without volunteering too many details - i.e. “He was my girlfriend, then he was my boyfriend, and now he’s my fiance, but he has been my true love all along. We would be honored if you would join us in celebrating our commitment to each other. Wedding invitation to follow.”
This is purely personal, but I would also specifically state in the letter that we would be willing to speak with them more on the subject if that would make them feel more comfortable during the wedding (and subsequent marriage) because… you know… the whole fear of the unknown element that a lot of older relatives might experience not having dealt with transgendered people in their lives.
Desaray
September 29th, 2008 · 5:38 PM · #So, youre announcing your wedding at the same time that youre announcing your partner’s transition?! I dunno, I dont have any good advice, its so complicated and so personal. Truly, talk to the family members and friends you trust the most. Get advice from them. And, I hate to get all establishmentarian on you, but some brief, solution focused counseling might be good, too. Just like, 4 or 8 sessions with a gay therapist to steer you through the bumps. That, or you could start a blog ;}
Stay strong; Have Fun!
Sissy
September 30th, 2008 · 9:17 AM · #I truly love the wording of this poster, “He was my girlfriend, then he was my boyfriend, and now he’s my fiance, but he has been my true love all along.” This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Fatgirl Femme » Blog Archive » Transgender Grooms
October 1st, 2008 · 10:59 PM · #[...] I am in lurve with Ariel over at Offbeat Bride, because once again, she manages to handle a sticky question with a level of social grace that would put Anne… [...]
LT
October 2nd, 2008 · 8:29 PM · #Thanks, too, for the nod to non-traditional, non-gendered pronouns. Not that all transgender/genderqueer folks use them, but your acknowledgment of in-betweenness is noted and appreciated.
Ariel
October 2nd, 2008 · 10:28 PM · #LT, I got schooled when I wrote about Elroi & Aly’s wedding last year — I originally referred to it a “lesbian wedding,” which didn’t fly. Aly left a comment clarifying:
In print, he would prefer to go by gender-neutral pronouns such as ‘ze’ or ‘hir’. In an ideal world those pronouns would work for speech too but whenever I try to use them I end up feeling like I’m faking an accent, ala Madonna or something.
I was definitely more thoughtful in writing this post.
Becky
October 3rd, 2008 · 10:30 AM · #I’m finally getting a chance to respond to this. Busy Week! Thank you Ariel for posting this and for the helpful information.
To clarify, no, my partner does not go by the same name. However, he doesn’t like people to know or use his previous name. We met at the beginning of his transition so most of my friends/family don’t know him by that name either. The majority of the folks at the wedding already know about our relationship/gender/identity dynamics, but it’s my faraway aunts and uncles (who my mother insists must come) who are in the dark. He has family who knows (grandparents, aunts) but who have never seen him since he’s transitioned. We’re still unsure of how they are going to respond to the invite.
I think Elroi is right and I want to say something to my family before the wedding. I will likely email them and explain. I asked my father what he thought about speaking to them and he was very uncomfortable, but I don’t want to worry about this around the time of my wedding. Ultimately, I want people I want people to be there who are loving and supportive. I don’t want someone freaking out about a lot of the queer aspects of our wedding and there will be many.
Offbeat Bride | Offbeat Bride & Diversity
October 8th, 2008 · 4:23 PM · #[...] a lot of room for improvement. I mean, a wedding website where I’m addressing the needs of transgender grooms, and yet we haven’t seen a black offbeat bride in months? [...]
SouthernKarma
October 11th, 2008 · 8:48 PM · #First, congratulations and best wishes to you and your partner, Becky! I hope you have a lovely wedding and a very happy life together.
My partner is also a transman, and I identify as queer. Both of us previously identified as lesbians, but he was already living as male when we began dating. When we talk about our (very nebulous, far in the future) nuptuals, we think we’ll address it in the same way we address his trans status in the rest of our lives. To everyone who knows and loves us, we’re completely open. To distant family members and acquaintances, we don’t bring up trans stuff unless they do (in which case, we’re completely truthful and open). Honestly, if we were close to them, they’d already know.
I also think Elroi’s advice about telling people in advance is great. If you can’t bring yourself to send everyone a letter, try telling a few key people how you’re feeling and let the lesbian post/ gossip train do the rest. You’ll be amazed how fast news travels. Anyone who has issues will be prepared or just won’t show up.
(As a side note: I’m lucky enough to know Aly and Elroi in real life, and they’re both as caring and smart lovely in real life as they are beautiful in their wedding photos - which says a lot. You might also look for more info on Aly and Elroi’s wedding in kvetch or in their Logo wedding special)