Comments on: Turning down financial help

By: Ryan

Ryan — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 12:44:12 +0000

Hmmm. Be careful about how you approach this topic, because my fiance and i are paying for the entire shebang ourselves, and it has actually caused friction in my family. of course, it's because they're very held to tradition and think that you need to spend $30,000 or more and my fiance and i just simply refuse to do that.
i've heard everything from "that's stupid" to "why don't you just let me take care of it" (which is a slippery slope) and "why don't you just tell me when it is and i might show up."
HOWEVER. a good solution is to give them something to DO rather than something to pay for.
for instance, my mom is growing the flowers that we want. my dad is going to make food. they're already both really excited about their part, and they didn't even need to cut a check to do it, and it's one less thing that we have to worry about, so it's a win-win!

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By: Kate

Kate — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:09:59 +0000

Oh my goodness. . . I wish I had done this in the beginning. I'm getting married next Saturday, and this whole "small, bohemian, diy, light-hearted, non-traditional, rock and roll" wedding has turned into this posh, white, traditional-looking, fancy event! It's mostly out of my hands, now, which is unfortunate. I'm just hoping that we'll have enough of our own quirky personal touches throughout the event that the character itself will trump the traditionalism. But do what you can on your own. I wish we had done the city hall thing, and then followed it up with a giant party.

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By: Sue

Sue — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 19:08:18 +0000

I'm the mom–looking forward to my second family wedding. I donated money to my son for his wedding and now for my daughter for hers. No strings. No work!! It is their money to use as they please. My son and now daughter in law said that when the two families made the offer, they were estatic and then later amazed at how much work it was without our help. BUT–they wouldn't have done it anyother way. My daughter is planning an October wedding and lives in another state…..she is doing it all on her own. I listen, support, give solicited suggestions and feel no remorse if she makes a different decision. And…She has all the work and planning and fun. We love it this way!

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By: Eliza

Eliza — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:01:35 +0000

That's really awesome advice about wanting to start off your fiscal marriage with paying for the wedding. What parent could have a problem with that? We're lucky in that our parents want to help us out, but don't want to help plan at all. They wrote us checks

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By: Cate

Cate — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:18:02 +0000

I always believed that Independent Women (and Men)were usually raised by Independent thinking Mothers. I find it disheartening and discouraging that so many of you young women are finding that your parents of my generation are less than flexible in helping you with your weddings. I know that it is not a universal condition for I have watched nieces and young friends marry with their parents joyfully supporting their plans. I do know that for many parents it is emotionally and psychologically difficult to have their child marry; they feel it as the final end of childhood, the changing of their roles in life and even the beginning of their own old age. For some (not all but some) parents even as they try to celebrate their childrens joy they are grieving their own losses and aging. And yes, sometimes they do get unreasonable and controlling – particularly if they had a tendency to that kind of behavior to start with. Yes, it is wrong and unfair and unkind but of course much of human behavior is all of that. Your parents lives are changing with your marriage. Perhaps as you talk to them you can keep in mind how the marriage is affecting them. It might make these conversations go easier. Or perhaps not. Any family therapist will tell you that money is the number one cause of discord – it has so many meanings. Remember this is about the marriage and not the wedding, if you need to do something simpler or smaller to not accept money with strings, you may be benfitting the strenghth of the marriage you are creating.

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By: Brooke

Brooke — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:17:24 +0000

I sent my dad an email and very clearly thanked him for offering to pay for the wedding, but told him that we felt it was really important for us as a couple to start our lives together by establishing our independence in the wedding. We felt that taking money from him and my stepmom would mean we'd be beholden to their ideas of how the wedding should go. I think they were secretly relieved and offered to do the dinner for the out-of-town folks, which has been fantastic and totally helpful. Win-win all around (though I'm not telling them we took money from my mom because that money would never ever come with strings like their money always does!!!)

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By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 01:17:33 +0000

My MIL (I'm actually already married – having a ceremony to bring the two families together after the fact) is freaking out because we're not serving a full dinner meal. In the part of the country I'm from, it's very acceptable just to have cake and punch at the reception. We are having an afternoon tea – which I think is so cute, and gives me lots of room for creativity to boot (East Indian tea sandwiches or cookies shaped like the bride and groom, anyone?) But she's from another country, a quite wealthy island tax haven country where they have elaborate weddings. My husband got a call from his godmother scolding him for worrying his mother to tears over the goddam food! We're on a tight budget already after spending so much of my savings on filing fees and attorney's fees for husband's green card.

I appreciate my own parents more than ever – my parents gave me what I consider a reasonable sum to help with the wedding and told me to do as I pleased. Mum even suggested I could elope and use the money towards our first home. I wish we would have!

But MIL gave husband a generous sum for our honeymoon, so I don't feel I can complain.

Just gonna bite my tongue and do what I want… I refuse to go thousands of dollars in debt for a silly thing like a meal that most people won't even remember in a year or two.

Any hubby's doing a decent job of keeping MIL at bay – bless him!

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By: blablover5

blablover5 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:20:59 +0000

We've run into this issue as well. At first no one offered us any money up until it came time to deciding on the menu and we wanted to go a different buffet route (we could even have a taco buffet), but his parents seem to think that we should have Prime rib because it's expected.

And if we do they'll pay for it.

sigh*

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:49:36 +0000

This is really awesome advice. I love our families, I really and truly do, but early in the decision process we let ourselves get talked into doing things their way for financial reasons (I work a low paying publishing job and my fiance, at the time, was interning for a video game company).
Anyway, pretty much any of the wedding fights we've had are due to this decision, so if you can swing it, choose for yourself without interferance!

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By: Christine

Christine — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:01:20 +0000

Gosh, after reading this, I feel like this girl is so freakin' lucky. I'm in a far worse position (in my opinion).

My fiance and I are paying for the wedding and that was our intention from the very beginning. We set a VERY reasonable budget of $50,000 for ~500 guests. When we start talking about our plans with my parents (his parents are not involved as they have disowned him for choosing to marry me. HA!), my parents started strong arminging me the way they have ALWAYS done and guilting me about my wedding choices. I understand that at their wedding, they had to do what their parents told them because it's a cultural thing to be obedient, but MAN!!!

I'm so livid because my parents have literally taken us OVER the $80,000 mark. YES, $30,000+ more than what we had planned. They've chosen the venue, the priest, the NINE COURSE MEAL, the expensive bottles of Cognac at EVERY SINGLE TABLE. I'm literally going into debt because it is what my parents want and I must be obedient.

That's not to say that I don't have my own mind and I can't form my own opinions about things (I do every day), I just can't say no to them. Neither can my fiance. It's so hard trying to be respectful and obedient! I've discussed this with many of my other friends who have been in the SAME position with their parents and cultural habits and they all just went with what their parents told them because "it's the last thing you'll ever do for [your] parents." THAT IS A LIE!! My sister has been married for over ten years and she STILL has to be respectful/obedient!

I feel so torn! I want to elope and just runaway, but then MY parents would disown me. I want to tear my hair out because I'm just so frustrated. I'm 9 months away and I kid you not, I've already written over $50,000 in checks and credit card payments (everyone wants payment up front!!!).

I'm so miserable. It's like the happiest day of my life, and when I look around, I know that ALL I WILL SEE IS DOLLAR SIGNS. Everywhere I go. It is times like this I wish I was born into an American family or just not be Asian.

And so you don't think that my parents are totally horrible, they WANTED to pay for the wedding (the whole shebang), but my fiance refused since technically, HIS PARENTS are supposed to pay (but obviously, they are not since they disowned him and will no longer even speak to or see him). We knew his parents weren't going to pay regardless because they have their own financial issues whereas my parents are … hmm… very, very comfortable.

So now, here I am, looking at a defunct savings account and a checking account bordering on $0.06. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck and I'm going out of my mind (I have never lived paycheck to paycheck in my life until now!). Thank goodness today is Friday, which means we're getting paid today.

le sigh. TAKE ME OUT OF MY MISERY, PLEASE!!!

sorry for the long vent…

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