Comments on: Turning down financial help

By: LavenderBoundaries

LavenderBoundaries — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 17:24:15 +0000

Hi Ladies,

I wanted to add my perspective on some of the conflicts that seem to be bubbling to the surface. It seems like obligation, guilt, and face are the fuel driving most of the brides comments. As a new family unit, it is critical to be able to say no to harmful decisions and influences and yes to love, peace, and helpfulness. While the wedding day is important, it also set the tone for your marriage. I recommend getting some support in finding your voice, strength, and solid values for your family and marriage.

I am proud that me and my fiance have realized that our mother's are covertly aggressive, controlling, and manipulative towards each of us..and our marriage as a unit. We have learned to say no to the harmful their tactics to undermine as adults. We have set limits on their negative influences. That includes we are having a small wedding, paying for it ourselves, and not inviting them to our wedding. We have the courage to stand on our own to feet. We will be full of respect, love, peace and resolve to not begin our marriage, on our wedding day in debt, stressed, worried, fearful.

Clearly, there is more going on than paying the bills or inviting more people. It seems like some parents and in-laws are controlling you through money. Where else in life is that acceptable for someone to drive you nearly mad, to the poor house, and a therapist over money and strangers? I dare say, your wedding day and marriage should be the stomping ground of this emotional and financial blackmail.

Good Luck!

By: Addilina B

Addilina B — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:00:59 +0000

I have to add to what Ariel said, "Emphasize that you're doing this to reduce her anxiety." Many poeple will quickly reply to that saying, "Oh, it's no trouble at all! I'm HAPPY to help." I think that it is also important to include that, for the sake of your relationship with her(as Ariel said) AND for the sake of your OWN emotional health, you would rather finance/plan the wedding with your "to-be." Who could deny your desire to celebrate the UNION about to take place? Let's hope she understands how important it is to you to get to make decisions with the one you're about to spend the rest of your life with…
Good Luck!

By: TJ

TJ — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 06:40:12 +0000

I can't address everything you're feeling here, but I can offer this: going along with your parents' wishes doesn't have to mean doing it silently.
Every time my future mother-in-law mentions the guest list she bloated, I tell her (again) that the amount of people she's added to the list stresses me out: "I will go along with this because you want it and I'd like to make you happy, but I always wanted a much smaller wedding, and having strangers at my wedding makes me uncomfortable." Respectful and obedient, but honest about my disappointment as well.
Not only has it made her get off our case about pretty much everything else, it's also prevented me from feeling like I got walked over completely. Which is really important in preventing long-term resentment.
And girrrrrrl, I feel you on the elopement. If I could go back and do this all over again, I'd already be married.

By: Hii

Hii — Wed, 26 May 2010 19:38:10 +0000

Whoah. I guess I'm lucky.

Me and my mom have good relationship. If she starts to panic or boss, I can just ask her to calm down and tell her I love her so very much and wish she would enjoy herself and have a good time. Pre emptively I've made remarks of how strange it is one of my friends well over her 20's still asks her mother's opinion for everything.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 12:44:12 +0000

Hmmm. Be careful about how you approach this topic, because my fiance and i are paying for the entire shebang ourselves, and it has actually caused friction in my family. of course, it's because they're very held to tradition and think that you need to spend $30,000 or more and my fiance and i just simply refuse to do that.
i've heard everything from "that's stupid" to "why don't you just let me take care of it" (which is a slippery slope) and "why don't you just tell me when it is and i might show up."
HOWEVER. a good solution is to give them something to DO rather than something to pay for.
for instance, my mom is growing the flowers that we want. my dad is going to make food. they're already both really excited about their part, and they didn't even need to cut a check to do it, and it's one less thing that we have to worry about, so it's a win-win!

By: Kate

Kate — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:09:59 +0000

Oh my goodness. . . I wish I had done this in the beginning. I'm getting married next Saturday, and this whole "small, bohemian, diy, light-hearted, non-traditional, rock and roll" wedding has turned into this posh, white, traditional-looking, fancy event! It's mostly out of my hands, now, which is unfortunate. I'm just hoping that we'll have enough of our own quirky personal touches throughout the event that the character itself will trump the traditionalism. But do what you can on your own. I wish we had done the city hall thing, and then followed it up with a giant party.

By: Sue

Sue — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 19:08:18 +0000

I'm the mom–looking forward to my second family wedding. I donated money to my son for his wedding and now for my daughter for hers. No strings. No work!! It is their money to use as they please. My son and now daughter in law said that when the two families made the offer, they were estatic and then later amazed at how much work it was without our help. BUT–they wouldn't have done it anyother way. My daughter is planning an October wedding and lives in another state…..she is doing it all on her own. I listen, support, give solicited suggestions and feel no remorse if she makes a different decision. And…She has all the work and planning and fun. We love it this way!

By: Eliza

Eliza — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:01:35 +0000

That's really awesome advice about wanting to start off your fiscal marriage with paying for the wedding. What parent could have a problem with that? We're lucky in that our parents want to help us out, but don't want to help plan at all. They wrote us checks

By: Cate

Cate — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:18:02 +0000

I always believed that Independent Women (and Men)were usually raised by Independent thinking Mothers. I find it disheartening and discouraging that so many of you young women are finding that your parents of my generation are less than flexible in helping you with your weddings. I know that it is not a universal condition for I have watched nieces and young friends marry with their parents joyfully supporting their plans. I do know that for many parents it is emotionally and psychologically difficult to have their child marry; they feel it as the final end of childhood, the changing of their roles in life and even the beginning of their own old age. For some (not all but some) parents even as they try to celebrate their childrens joy they are grieving their own losses and aging. And yes, sometimes they do get unreasonable and controlling – particularly if they had a tendency to that kind of behavior to start with. Yes, it is wrong and unfair and unkind but of course much of human behavior is all of that. Your parents lives are changing with your marriage. Perhaps as you talk to them you can keep in mind how the marriage is affecting them. It might make these conversations go easier. Or perhaps not. Any family therapist will tell you that money is the number one cause of discord – it has so many meanings. Remember this is about the marriage and not the wedding, if you need to do something simpler or smaller to not accept money with strings, you may be benfitting the strenghth of the marriage you are creating.

By: Brooke

Brooke — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:17:24 +0000

I sent my dad an email and very clearly thanked him for offering to pay for the wedding, but told him that we felt it was really important for us as a couple to start our lives together by establishing our independence in the wedding. We felt that taking money from him and my stepmom would mean we'd be beholden to their ideas of how the wedding should go. I think they were secretly relieved and offered to do the dinner for the out-of-town folks, which has been fantastic and totally helpful. Win-win all around (though I'm not telling them we took money from my mom because that money would never ever come with strings like their money always does!!!)