Turning down financial help
My parents offered to pay for most of our wedding next summer, which seemed great at first. But within four days of being engaged, my mom had already used the phrase “If i’m paying for it i will have X” and is being very very pushy about choosing a venue.I’ve decided that letting my folks foot the bill would mean that we are going to have to have my mom’s wedding and not our wedding. My fiance and i talked about it and decided that we can afford to save up and throw the wedding we want with out my parents financial help. How can i tell my mom Thanks but no thanks on the offer to pay without completely alienating her? -Lisa
I think the best way to frame the discussion is to make this clear that you’re doing this out of respect for your relationship with her and because you respect her too much to cause friction with wedding planning. Emphasize that you’re doing this to reduce her anxiety — perhaps if you can point to a few examples of times when you’ve had disagreements over wedding planning, and let her know that you love her too much to cause her that kind of frustration. Accept full responsibilities for any and all disagreements. Apologize.
And then … … once you’ve made it clear that your motivations are driven in part by concern for her, let her know that you’ve decided you want to pay for the wedding yourself. Don’t make it about refusing her money! That’s reactive (i.e. “you forced me to do this!”) and a set-up for a fight. You’ve gotta be proactive on this one, phrasing it so that you’re not rejecting her money, but rather that it’s a way of taking responsibility for your own opinions.
Let her know that you’ve come to see that paying for the wedding yourself is an important part of establishing the marriage and relationship with your new husband. Since you’re facing a lifetime of financial responsibility together, let her know that you want to start it off now.
What ever you do, don’t make this about who’s in control of the wedding, how she’s been pushy, or how you’re making this decision in response to her behavior. You don’t want to come off as bratty (I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID MONEY, MOM! *hurrumph*) but rather that you’ve made a decision to be fiscally responsible and respectful of your differing opinions.
Make it clear that this isn’t up for debate; the decision has been made. Let her know how much you appreciate her generosity and don’t get triggered if she gets sad or pouty! Don’t argue. Don’t get defensive. If she tries to engage you in a debate, just be firm and clear that you love her and appreciate her so much, but that you’re paying for the wedding yourself.
Be gracious and grateful and firm. And say “I love you” a lot.
Comments
17 responses to this entrynenasadije
June 5th, 2008 · 6:25 AM · #awesome advice, as always, ariel.
Tara
June 5th, 2008 · 6:48 AM · #I wish we had done this. Our wedding is in July and accepting our families’ money has turned our wedding into a HUGE event we really didn’t want. We’ve compromised on a lot and I think we will be happy with what we have planned, but if we had just gone with something we could afford on our own it may have been basic, but it would have saved alot of hurt feelings and frustration.
betty
June 5th, 2008 · 2:03 PM · #another thing that i found worked for us is to find things that you want (or don’t really care about) that your parents want and let them pay for that expense. my parents wanted to help us financially. we did not care too much about a photographer, my parents did. my sister recommended a photographer, we met him, really liked him, my parents like him too.
my parents will be paying for him to shoot our wedding. they feel happy because they get to help us out and contribute to our wedding (and get photos), we’re happy because we get photos seemingly for free.
darleene
June 5th, 2008 · 2:37 PM · #You’re so right. Letting someone else pay is letting someone else lead the charge, and above all else, the bride and groom should be happy on the big day. I’d also say that giving the parental units another outlet — say the honeymoon — might help too.
Suzanno
June 5th, 2008 · 3:16 PM · #My sister also went the route of picking specific things (photography, flowers) that she knew she and our mom could agree on, and let her pay for those things. She and her fiance paid for the things that they thought would be a source of dissension, and just told our parents that they were uncomfortable accepting so much money from them, given that they could pay for quite a bit of the wedding themselves. This was particularly brilliant because it was true - my BIL’s family really is not well off, and he’s just not used to taking big sums of money - in his family, he’s the one who sends money home to help everyone else out. But it also served to let my sister make most of the decisions, excepting the ones she didn’t care much about.
ashilleong
June 5th, 2008 · 3:53 PM · #The paying for specific things is what we did. It was important to my parents to pay for something as my mum’s parents payed for her sister’s wedding (which was the wedding of mum’s dreams) but not for hers.
- I didn’t care about the hassle of arranging the food, so that became a mum and dad thing…turns out that mum didn’t care for it either so they are putting some money on a credit card and just giving it to us, no string attatched. We had a pretty firm idea about what we wanted (including venue), so we came into the discussion with a lot of “well, we’ve actually considered something simular and think that X would suit us better”
Cindy
June 5th, 2008 · 5:01 PM · #I wrote a business proposal for my parents that included an itemized budget along with a long, even list of pros and cons where each of the cons had a proposed work around.
It was three pages long but it really appealed to my parents’ senses and helped them to clearly and rationally see why certain things were important to me and it also helped us to compromise on things that we had VERY different opinions about.
I think having something written out on paper that expresses no emotion helps a lot, expecially once you start running numbers. Oh, and of course saying, “I love you” doesn’t hurt either. lots of hugs too.
Christine
June 6th, 2008 · 5:01 AM · #Gosh, after reading this, I feel like this girl is so freakin’ lucky. I’m in a far worse position (in my opinion).
My fiance and I are paying for the wedding and that was our intention from the very beginning. We set a VERY reasonable budget of $50,000 for ~500 guests. When we start talking about our plans with my parents (his parents are not involved as they have disowned him for choosing to marry me. HA!), my parents started strong arminging me the way they have ALWAYS done and guilting me about my wedding choices. I understand that at their wedding, they had to do what their parents told them because it’s a cultural thing to be obedient, but MAN!!!
I’m so livid because my parents have literally taken us OVER the $80,000 mark. YES, $30,000+ more than what we had planned. They’ve chosen the venue, the priest, the NINE COURSE MEAL, the expensive bottles of Cognac at EVERY SINGLE TABLE. I’m literally going into debt because it is what my parents want and I must be obedient.
That’s not to say that I don’t have my own mind and I can’t form my own opinions about things (I do every day), I just can’t say no to them. Neither can my fiance. It’s so hard trying to be respectful and obedient! I’ve discussed this with many of my other friends who have been in the SAME position with their parents and cultural habits and they all just went with what their parents told them because “it’s the last thing you’ll ever do for [your] parents.” THAT IS A LIE!! My sister has been married for over ten years and she STILL has to be respectful/obedient!
I feel so torn! I want to elope and just runaway, but then MY parents would disown me. I want to tear my hair out because I’m just so frustrated. I’m 9 months away and I kid you not, I’ve already written over $50,000 in checks and credit card payments (everyone wants payment up front!!!).
I’m so miserable. It’s like the happiest day of my life, and when I look around, I know that ALL I WILL SEE IS DOLLAR SIGNS. Everywhere I go. It is times like this I wish I was born into an American family or just not be Asian.
And so you don’t think that my parents are totally horrible, they WANTED to pay for the wedding (the whole shebang), but my fiance refused since technically, HIS PARENTS are supposed to pay (but obviously, they are not since they disowned him and will no longer even speak to or see him). We knew his parents weren’t going to pay regardless because they have their own financial issues whereas my parents are … hmm… very, very comfortable.
So now, here I am, looking at a defunct savings account and a checking account bordering on $0.06. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck and I’m going out of my mind (I have never lived paycheck to paycheck in my life until now!). Thank goodness today is Friday, which means we’re getting paid today.
le sigh. TAKE ME OUT OF MY MISERY, PLEASE!!!
sorry for the long vent…
Jillian
June 6th, 2008 · 7:49 AM · #This is really awesome advice. I love our families, I really and truly do, but early in the decision process we let ourselves get talked into doing things their way for financial reasons (I work a low paying publishing job and my fiance, at the time, was interning for a video game company).
Anyway, pretty much any of the wedding fights we’ve had are due to this decision, so if you can swing it, choose for yourself without interferance!
blablover5
June 6th, 2008 · 1:20 PM · #We’ve run into this issue as well. At first no one offered us any money up until it came time to deciding on the menu and we wanted to go a different buffet route (we could even have a taco buffet), but his parents seem to think that we should have Prime rib because it’s expected.
And if we do they’ll pay for it.
Jennifer
June 6th, 2008 · 5:17 PM · #My MIL (I’m actually already married - having a ceremony to bring the two families together after the fact) is freaking out because we’re not serving a full dinner meal. In the part of the country I’m from, it’s very acceptable just to have cake and punch at the reception. We are having an afternoon tea - which I think is so cute, and gives me lots of room for creativity to boot (East Indian tea sandwiches or cookies shaped like the bride and groom, anyone?) But she’s from another country, a quite wealthy island tax haven country where they have elaborate weddings. My husband got a call from his godmother scolding him for worrying his mother to tears over the goddam food! We’re on a tight budget already after spending so much of my savings on filing fees and attorney’s fees for husband’s green card.
I appreciate my own parents more than ever - my parents gave me what I consider a reasonable sum to help with the wedding and told me to do as I pleased. Mum even suggested I could elope and use the money towards our first home. I wish we would have!
But MIL gave husband a generous sum for our honeymoon, so I don’t feel I can complain.
Just gonna bite my tongue and do what I want… I refuse to go thousands of dollars in debt for a silly thing like a meal that most people won’t even remember in a year or two.
Any hubby’s doing a decent job of keeping MIL at bay - bless him!
Brooke
June 7th, 2008 · 10:17 AM · #I sent my dad an email and very clearly thanked him for offering to pay for the wedding, but told him that we felt it was really important for us as a couple to start our lives together by establishing our independence in the wedding. We felt that taking money from him and my stepmom would mean we’d be beholden to their ideas of how the wedding should go. I think they were secretly relieved and offered to do the dinner for the out-of-town folks, which has been fantastic and totally helpful. Win-win all around (though I’m not telling them we took money from my mom because that money would never ever come with strings like their money always does!!!)
Cate
June 8th, 2008 · 11:18 PM · #I always believed that Independent Women (and Men)were usually raised by Independent thinking Mothers. I find it disheartening and discouraging that so many of you young women are finding that your parents of my generation are less than flexible in helping you with your weddings. I know that it is not a universal condition for I have watched nieces and young friends marry with their parents joyfully supporting their plans. I do know that for many parents it is emotionally and psychologically difficult to have their child marry; they feel it as the final end of childhood, the changing of their roles in life and even the beginning of their own old age. For some (not all but some) parents even as they try to celebrate their childrens joy they are grieving their own losses and aging. And yes, sometimes they do get unreasonable and controlling - particularly if they had a tendency to that kind of behavior to start with. Yes, it is wrong and unfair and unkind but of course much of human behavior is all of that. Your parents lives are changing with your marriage. Perhaps as you talk to them you can keep in mind how the marriage is affecting them. It might make these conversations go easier. Or perhaps not. Any family therapist will tell you that money is the number one cause of discord - it has so many meanings. Remember this is about the marriage and not the wedding, if you need to do something simpler or smaller to not accept money with strings, you may be benfitting the strenghth of the marriage you are creating.
Eliza
June 9th, 2008 · 1:01 PM · #That’s really awesome advice about wanting to start off your fiscal marriage with paying for the wedding. What parent could have a problem with that? We’re lucky in that our parents want to help us out, but don’t want to help plan at all. They wrote us checks
Sue
June 14th, 2008 · 11:08 AM · #I’m the mom–looking forward to my second family wedding. I donated money to my son for his wedding and now for my daughter for hers. No strings. No work!! It is their money to use as they please. My son and now daughter in law said that when the two families made the offer, they were estatic and then later amazed at how much work it was without our help. BUT–they wouldn’t have done it anyother way. My daughter is planning an October wedding and lives in another state…..she is doing it all on her own. I listen, support, give solicited suggestions and feel no remorse if she makes a different decision. And…She has all the work and planning and fun. We love it this way!
Kate
June 30th, 2008 · 8:09 AM · #Oh my goodness. . . I wish I had done this in the beginning. I’m getting married next Saturday, and this whole “small, bohemian, diy, light-hearted, non-traditional, rock and roll” wedding has turned into this posh, white, traditional-looking, fancy event! It’s mostly out of my hands, now, which is unfortunate. I’m just hoping that we’ll have enough of our own quirky personal touches throughout the event that the character itself will trump the traditionalism. But do what you can on your own. I wish we had done the city hall thing, and then followed it up with a giant party.
Ryan
August 31st, 2008 · 5:44 AM · #Hmmm. Be careful about how you approach this topic, because my fiance and i are paying for the entire shebang ourselves, and it has actually caused friction in my family. of course, it’s because they’re very held to tradition and think that you need to spend $30,000 or more and my fiance and i just simply refuse to do that.
i’ve heard everything from “that’s stupid” to “why don’t you just let me take care of it” (which is a slippery slope) and “why don’t you just tell me when it is and i might show up.”
HOWEVER. a good solution is to give them something to DO rather than something to pay for.
for instance, my mom is growing the flowers that we want. my dad is going to make food. they’re already both really excited about their part, and they didn’t even need to cut a check to do it, and it’s one less thing that we have to worry about, so it’s a win-win!