Fool-proof way to keep kids away from your wedding
Friends & Family Advice, Invitation advice
By
on June 30, 2008
53
How can I make it clear from my invitations that while I love kids, I don't love them at my wedding? -Gemma
As usual, my recommendation comes down to being proactive instead of reactive. Instead of making it negative ("How can I say 'NO CHILDREN ALLOWED'?"), simply pick a venue and time that support adult-only activities. In other words, have a night wedding at a 21+ venue like a bar or lounge. There's nothing like an 9pm ceremony and a dude checking IDs at the door to keep the kiddlets away.
It might sound like I'm joking, but I'm totally serious. It's pretty much impossible to have a child-free afternoon wedding without hurting someone's feelings, because it's clear that you're the one making and enforcing the NO KIDS ALLOWED rule. Then people get frustrated with you. As a guest, I don't want to hear about what I can't do at your wedding, who I can't bring, or what I can't experience.
Weddings in family-friendly locations like parks and gardens and restaurants and churches are usually family affairs, and you're fighting a challenging, uphill battle trying to turn these family venues into something they're typically not. When you try to say "no kids" at a venue where kids are usually allowed, it makes you the meanie bouncer who's in charge of telling your guests what they can't do. ("Yes, I know it's a lovely garden with a big lawn to play on, but please understand NO KIDS ALLOWED.")
But a bar? It's obviously an adult-only venue, and bar weddings and bar receptions are awesome. When you have your wedding at a swanky lounge or reserve a rooftop hotel bar for your reception, it's not your responsibility to enforce the rules or figure out how to word the invitation. You can outsource your bouncer duties to the guy at the door checking IDs and the liquor control board.
Now, if you reeeeally want a child-free afternoon wedding at a garden? Start preparing for the hurt feelings. Or maybe some of my readers have suggestions...
UPDATE
A quick note, since I’ve already deleted a couple comments this morning: The point with this post is not to say whether or not kids should or shouldn’t be invited to weddings. Obviously, that decision is up to the couple getting married.
I’m interested in hearing about proactive, positive ideas — I’m NOT interested in judgments about the concept of adult-only wedding ceremonies. I think most folks considering kid-free ceremonies already know that it's a challenging concept for many people.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Blake K. said
Wow, this makes so much sense it made my head explode a little.
Dang.
Rachel said
Honestly, this post kind of makes me sad. I am choosing to not have small children at my evening wedding, and while we don't have a venue picked out, I definitely don't want to have it in a bar. Our reasoning for no children has nothing to do with not liking them or being a meanie, but rather not being able to afford them and being limited on space. So many of our friends and family have small children that if we were to allow them to bring all of them, we'd have to cut 30 of our friends off our guest list. To us it's more important to have our friends who love us present at our wedding than kids who don't want to be there. I realize some people will be angry that they can't bring their kids, but weddings are expensive and they should respect our wishes.
jennifer chernoff said
I like the idea of having a playground nearby so bored kids can be whisked away to play. It might be stated that "Playground(s) in the vcinity, please bring a child chaperon so the kids can enjoy it when they wish" most parents would be smart enough to understand what that means. Having kids myself-I think talking to the owners of very small children(babies especially, who some parents do not feel comfortable leaving with a chaperon) to see if they would be comfortable having a close(closer than their car, but not with in ear shot)tent or building that they could nurse, play and hang out in if the baby becomes a screamer.
teri said
While we arent serving any alcohol, and arent having our wedding at a bar, the simple timing of our wedding gives a nice, clear "no kids" sign. 7 to midnight? What sane parent brings their child to that? We also have a little note on our wedpage saying that "due to the evening timing of the wedding, as well as the historical nature of the location, we regret that we can not accomodate any children". People immediatly imagine their munchkinds breaking some 300 year old antique, and understand the rule.
Kate said
One thing I'm doing at my wedding is providing a childcare specialist. We're paying to have her hang out for several hours during the wedding. There's a great little playground, craft table, and a quiet library with books and DVDs for cranky kids. But you could also do something similar, paying a retainer and then telling parents that children are invited to this kid-party event (which just HAPPENS to coincide with the same hours your wedding is happening!). She's charging $25/hour flat rate, no matter how many kids end up hanging out! If cash is tight, you can tell folks that a sitter is available, and then break down her rates so parents can pay. But I think it's nice to give them an option, instead of blasting the "NO KIDS ALLOWED" at them (which I know you're not trying to do).
Laura from Rebel Belle said
I want to start by saying Dave and I LOVE kids, but we wanted to have a grown-up party and that is part of how we ended up choosing the karaoke bar.
Another possible alternative if you don't want to go that route – hire a professional babysitter. I was just at a wedding that had 20 small children in attendance. The couple chose a venue that had a seperate room the were able to turn into a playroom and they hired a professional babysitter to stay there and supervise all night. Both the parents and the kids LOVED having that option and it worked very well.
Tammara said
This is a really brilliant idea and tactful way of handling the adult reception. For others who are generally okay with having kids at the reception but are concerned about cost, check with your caterer for kid-friendly alternatives on the menu. Our caterer is providing chicken fingers for our little guests, and the kids are not included in the overall headcount for the "adult" meal and bar.
Gemma Marmalade said
It is a shame that some comments have been censored. Perhaps it is important for couples arranging their weddings to consider ALL the possible responses they may receive and the alienation they may be inviting (perhaps even unsuspectingly). It could help them make an informed decision for the happiness of themselves and their guests.
Kerry said
After thinking on how to tactfully say "Please don't bring your children to our fabulous pirate-themed affair" my partner and I decided to add a line to our invitation:
"And ye be warned: All parrots, dogs, and children will be fed grog and rum"
It was funny enough (and in context enough) that we avoided at least some (although not all) of the child-free drama.
roso said
rachel – i think the reasons you stated in your comment are reason enough for your friends to not bring their kids! Who doesn't understand cost or room on the guestlist? I'm having similar issues and I can empathise – whilst I love kids, I want my school friends whom I've known for 15 years to attend the wedding before my cousins young toddlers.
Jess said
This is good advice in general, but not very good advice to the questioner. If she's working on invitations, chances are she's had a venue booked for quite a while.
Jessica said
Brilliant idea! I have to say, I would just find a place where there is a playground nearby, and hire several babysitters for children under the age of 6…
Ariel said
Gemma Marmalade: I hear you, but trust me … they already know.
jennifer said
So, whereas the babysitter idea is a good one in theory, I think that one of the biggest reasons people want to exclude kids is the cost… that was most certainly our reason! We had to concede and invite kids of those friends that are travelling to be with us, but for the local ones we kept it simple. Each of them had a personal call from/or chat with us where we explained that we had to invite kids from out of town, but we knew they had babysitters they could rely on. We also emphasised the fact that they could enjoy a night out away from the kids!
This seemed to work a treat… I think they all appreciated the personal touch, rather than a generic comment on the invite.
jane said
I can't believe that people assume their children are invited, no matter what the location! And I have children! I would just make the invitation very clear – we had pretty formal invitations – Mr. and Mrs (or whatever) on the outside invite, and first names on the inside envelope. No kids names, no kid invite. If your invites are more informal, you could maybe find a way to tweak the response cards so that they can respond if 0,1, or 2 people are coming. That pretty politely (hopefully) indicates that no more than two people are invited. If someone can't come because they can't get a babysitter, that's their loss. It's your wedding – you only need turn it into a daycare if that's what you want. If people call you with hurt feelings, you can try to spin it into a positive – I don't know any parents that don't want an afternoon away from the kids every once in a while. Of course, you have to be understanding too if not inviting kids means your best friend from across the country can't come because she can't leave her kids home for three days. The "no kids" rule can cut both ways.
Lindsay said
my first thought? hire strippers. yay for burlesque-themed wedding!
freshangela said
I have two kids and have been invited to kid friendly and non kiddie weddings. I was totally cool with my kids not being invited to a friends wedding. That is the couples day, their way, their vision. I would just say that it needs to be TOTALLY no kids, or kidapalooza, and to pick and choose who gets to bring kids, would be wrong. I for one, do not view weddings as a place for kids. It just seems like a forced bore for them. What 2 yr old wants to get fancied up, stay clean, be quiet for extended ceremony time, then eat food they probably dont dig. And what parent wants to deal with that stress? It ends up being a good experience for the parents to have a lovey time out with friends. Good luck!!
Ariel said
Lindsay: HA! Now that's a great fucking idea!!
Suzanno said
Maybe we are just lucky – or maybe it's a function of the fact that most of our friends with kids have to travel to our wedding – but although we did invite kids very few are coming. Most of our friends feel like freshangela, in that they are very happy to leave the little ones with the grandparents and have a weekend away, just adults.
krystal said
Boo. Sssss.
Kids are cool, and they are usually the LIFE of the party. In my humble opinion.
MaidenLane said
I can't believe that people would get upset that you don't want their little ones screaming through and ruining your ceremony. I've got nieces and nephews that will have to come if I want my siblings there, but that's it! I think relatives are different than your friends' kids; I've got no problem with telling people they can't bring them. My fiance's friend has a son who shrieks almost constantly in any situation-no WAY is he coming. I'd say if people really want to get offended because their kids can't come,they weren't such good friends to start with. It is YOUR wedding, YOUR way.
Meg said
Jane-
Very well said. I have always found the "no kids" rule sort of offensive till I read your comment. Then I said to myself "Ahhhh… two names on the invite, two people invited. Of course." It's the thing you teach kids early on: some things are adult things other things are kid things. Adults get wine, kids do not. Adults get invited to big people parties, kids do not.
That said, I'm with Ariel. It probably needs to be quite clearly big person party if kids are not invited. It might not need to be in a bar, but it probably should be a party kids are not interested in. Pick your poison: a evening/dinner party/formal/racy/drug/sex/opera/poetry reading/wine tasting party. AKA, something that's just not for kids Again, fun garden afternoon wedding with punch and cookies, but no kids allowed… that's going to seem odd. And possibly mean. Even with clear invite labeling.
ThaliaR said
We made it easy- we provided a babysitter on site! That way, the parents were never far away from their little ones, the little ones got pizzas and chicken fingers instead of salmon ceviche on cucumber banquettes, and I got to have a garden wedding in the early evening without children! Sure, my stepmother nearly had a cow, but she got over it when she realized how helpful it was to the out of town guests, and that her grandsons would rather be watching Finding Nemo in the basement.
Butterbean said
Had I known the demand for wedding babysitters when I was a teen, I would have cleaned up!
Whylimes said
It seems like a simple solution, but what about mature kids in the 15-20 age range? That was me, um, a few months ago and I would have been upset if I wouldn't have been able to go to a wedding because of that. What about an upscale pub? If they serve food as well as alcohol, those that are underage are usually allowed to come in. At the same time, the atmosphere wouldn't be appropriate for toddlers.