Advice for dudes changing their last names
Posted by Ariel · Offbeat grooms

This is also a hot topic at my house… My future husband refuses to keep his last name. He said he either wants to take mine, or change his name to his mother’s maiden name and I can take that. Under no circumstances does he want to carry on his father’s name. (Insert years of pain and abuse here) In conversations we came up with a hybrid version of our names, since they are both Italian we can take the “Di” prefix in his name and add it to mine. This way we each get a change. We have gotten such mixed feelings from friends and family, from “that’s dumb”, “what happened to tradition?” to “that’s awesome he wants your last name.” I think we are pretty settled on it, but given my parents are in their 70’s explaining this does not come without issues. Not to mention I started researching males changing their names and I can’t believe the red tape you have to go through! Grrrr… Thanks for sharing the above stories it is nice to have some reassurance that you are not crazy!

(To clarify: not that these other dudes who changed names didn't have many other primary reasons! We just wish we could hear from guys who changed their names entirely for whom family history was not a huge factor. I just don't understand this fixation on Your Relationship With Your Father!)

My fiance hates his last name and wants to change his to mine. At first I was into it, but as silly as it sounds, I was always looking forward to changing my name when I got married, and being a Mrs. So and so. Antiquated, sure fine whatever, but I wanted it However, I hate his last name too. It has the word "cock" in it. And not like totally ridiculous like Woodcock, just kinda lame. So, I'm not going to do that. Plus, after all the teasing and crap he says he had to put up with, if we have kids, I don't want to subject them to that. I thought about hyphenating, but I come from a french-canadian background where all the kids had hyphenated names, and then what happens when 2 kids with 4 names get together? Too complicated. He's going to change it, but I don't think he'll be able to stick to it because that means that he will hae to tell all his old buddies who call him by his last name that he's now "so and so" instead of "blah di blah" and since he's still sensitive to teasing, I just don't see it. Women in our society have been somewhat conditioned to accept the name change, but men are totally foreign to it. I don't think he understands that he's not just changing his name, he is erasing his old name. As in he will have to change his signature, all his documents, what he responds to. It's quite the paradigm shift. I suggested we wait until we had kids and changed it then so it's more like a family name, but he wants to change it after the wedding. My last name is actually my mother's maiden name because she was a single parent, so it's I guess sort of keeping with the tradition to continue to pass this name on matriliarily. which, I must admit is pretty cool since we are the bearers of life, so why shouldn't we pass our name on. But, it's not really my beliefs or those of my family and friends that worries me. It's this stupid soceity that feels it haas to judge and destroy anyone who does anything differently. I love my fiance so much, and I just don't want to see him teased by a bunch of sexists both male and female. I wish people would just mind their own damn business!

This is the first time I've seen first person male responses to this issue. It's a great post.

My husband would definitely hyphenate if I asked him. He did for his last marriage.

But I couldn't bring myself to change my name, so it was moot.

My parents have friends who did this in the seventies. They hyphenated, one long name one short name. It works out well for them. I think it was mostly professional reasoning behind it- he needed a more "authentic" last name for the museum he curates.

The dude: Mordicai Knode
His maiden name: Burke
Macho cred: Three titanium plates in skull from brass knuckle clobbering.

Why did you decide to change your name? As some people have said, the (potential) little whippersnappers were the root of it. I wanted to have the same last name as them, & I attach more importance to my chosen family than my birth family. So as there wasn't a new name or a combination that worked, I went with hers.

What responses have you gotten? Pretty much a "good for you," & a "uh, okay?" mix. A few "friendly" uses of the word "whipped," but I don't really sweat it.

What advice would you give to men considering changing their names? I am still going through the legal hoops of it. A bit of a pain. Socially, I can only recommend it. New clan!

On another note, I know a lot of women that have changed there married name but kept their professional name (especially those who have gone to PhD and need that degree to have the same name) That way no credit card change. Can a guy not do that too?

Both of us changed our last names to something completely different.

We each have good, though completely different, relationships with our families; there was no reaction to a bad history for either of us. I wanted us to have the same last name as a representation that we were now a team–he & I, not me & the men in his family. He said, "Well, you shouldn't have to be the only one who changes their name," which seemed fair.

I filed all the paperwork and, 7 years later, we still get compliments on the name. The paperwork is a bit of a hassle, depending on where you live. If you are combining lives anyway, you are going to have to change some information no matter what. You might as well change a little more while you're at it. Of course I kept the copies of the legal documentation–every once in a while we still need to send a credit reporting agency one.

I was raised very traditionally and yet my conservative family really didn't bat an eye when we did this. If you have always been a person who did things a little differently, wouldn't it be more shocking if you followed the norm suddenly because you were getting married? I would guess that negative or critical comments come from people who don't know the real you as well. No one in either of our families seemed to care, our friends didn't seem to think twice, and the only ones who gave me any hassle were the HR people who didn't know how to process the paperwork for him.

Emotionally has it mattered to both have dropped our given names and chosen a new married name? It's hard distinguish from all of the other subtle changes that go along with marriage. My husband says, "I hadn't really thought about it." So, there you go. He did suggest that it depends on how "pliable" your relationship is to your family and to your concept of legacy; his was pretty malleable. I also don't think he has a lot of macho friends he had to consider, though I suspect he would have done it despite them, if he had.

As for the question that generated this comment, the length of work history with a certain name is a very legitimate argument, particularly if you're building a business of your own or an expertise in an industry. You've spent all this time on a brand and now you're going to change it because one of the unrelated features (your marital status) has changed? That's hard to argue for either the man or the woman. Deciding to change or not change your name because of the reactions of others is unsupportable as an argument and disrespectful to your spouse (you'd rather avoid comments from others about something that's none of their business than do what you and your spouse decide together). I guess if I were the guy, I would be cautious about the work thing and ask around to find out how it might have impacted others in his field. And I would drop the argument that "my buddies will give me sh*t" like a hot potato.

My husband changed his name to mine-his. His family did not understand why, but for us, it was because my last name had major significance, I didn't want to lose it, and his name also had major significance so I offered the solution to both go hyphenated.

We'd had numerous friends who had either changed their names to something completely different or hyphenated so it wasn't too strange for my husband to change his to "mine-his". It was our way of being equal on the name thing, why should the woman give up her perfectly good name? It's funny though, because my family sends us cards to Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated-Last-Name and his sends them to Mr. and Mrs. "His Last Name", which should irk me, but actually irks him more.

Great reading, but something to take into consideration are the genealogical implications. My parents are the genealogists for their respective sides of the family, and there has been confusion with last names in the past (second marriages, etc). If you choose to do this, make sure the records are very clear so that anyone doing research in the future doesn't want to get in a time machine and punch you for complicating stuff. That said, a guy I went to high school with took his wife's last name so her children wouldn't be confused or teased. I thought that was pretty awesome.

This is an interesting topic. I kept my last name when I married (had to do lots of talking with the husband first…).
My sister did the same thing. When they had their child the agreement was – if a daughter, her last name, if a son, his last name. Since she had a daughter, the family name has made it down yet another generation on the female side.

We're also choosing a new last name (paperwork is already in process). For us, we got jammed in to a tight corner and a new name seemed to be the best way out. Here's our long story =P

-FH was born with a hyphenated last name (mother+father's last names). He's encountered a lot of problems with paperwork, etc. with it, and wishes it was shorter.

-FH's parents have since divorced (not amicably).

-FH and I want to share a last name (along with any possible kids).

-I don't want to take two last names, when neither of them are mine. I don't particularly want to keep mine, since I don't have a great relationship with my dad.

So it would seem the easiest option would be to just choose one of FH's last names and keep that, which would be fine with me, but his parents were both very adamant that FH did not choose the other person's name over their own. Very, very adamant. And angry. Not good.

So then we tried looking at past last names in the family tree. Same problem. Can't choose a name from the other person's side of the family either.

So new name it is. Both of his parents would rather we took a new last name than the name of the other person. My parents sortof thought that I was going to change my name anyway, so they don't seem to care, though they think it's weird. I like this better anyway, since I never thought the whole woman-changes-her-name-but-guy-doesn't thing was very fair.

We chose our name by using those baby name sites where you can search by meaning. So it has an important meaning to us, and some interesting classical relationships. And, google doesn't show it to be anything else obvious either =)

I responded to the last post about this, but I thought I'd tell our story more fully this time around.

When we were engaged, we both decided to change our last names to a new name when we got married. We were going to combine our maternal grandmothers' maiden names to make a new name, but my husband just wasn't that into it. Instead, we settled on changing to his mother's maiden name.

My husband began the name changing process before our wedding, but his court date wasn't until after we got married. Because his old last name is on our marriage license, the Social Security office won't let me change my name to his new name (even if I bring in the court documents for proof). So we are in the process of trying to amend the marriage license (which is a bureaucratic pain in the ass) or just going through the courts to change mine.

I think it's wonderful when men are willing to subvert tradition and take on a new name. I just wish that it had been easier for us.

Great topic! I am having a hard time deciding what I want to do. When I was married for the first time, I kept my maiden last name as a middle, and took his really cool sounding last name, which is also a very unusual name. I kept the name after the divorce. Fiance's name isn't as cool, but it isn't bad either. And somewhat unusual. But I graduated college with this last name, and have built up a network with this last name. I was thinking about us keeping our own names, because I know he won't want my ex's name, and I don't particularly want to go back to my maiden name. I didn't think about the kids aspect, though, so I need to have a conversation with him about that. Thanks for a great string of comments!

My fiance changed his name when he left school. He has a fabulous relationship with his father, but his surname had exposed him to enormous bullying at school as it is totally ridiculous. He wanted to lose it before he started university. He thought about it long and hard, and went with his mother's maiden name, which she still uses.

I'm not terribly fond of my name, and I've always liked the idea of getting a new one when I got married. I quite like his, and I like the symbolism of having the same name. If he still had his original surname, I'm sure he'd change to mine – I certainly wouldn't be changing it to his!

24 years old and about to be married. Going to take the woman's last name as my first-hyphen, and leave mine as a second-hyphen.

We like the combined name, except that it sounds a lot like a certain famous hotel scion who made a sex tape. But maybe our marriage will outlast her antics?

I haven't told my friends yet – I think I told my family? We have this conversation all the time, and girls are much better at remembering personal details than guys are (generally). We're both feminists, so in terms of philosophy it's all good.

I probably would've gone either way, truth be told (hyphenation, combination or the girl taking my last name). It's one of those things wherein I like to defer to the person with stronger feelings.

All the credit benefits and headaches seem to be an amusing touch, since I hadn't thought of that at all – and my credit is outrageous.

Thanks for starting this conversation!

I *think* I am going to go ahead and take his name, although I am still a little foggy on the logistics. So I'm not all that offbeat, but I did think I would offer my thoughts on the idea of "brand recognition" for those who have significant work product associated with their name. I have a girlfriend with a very long last name, who married a very nice guy with a very short last name. In order to not professionally disappear, she hyphenated (HerLast-HisLast). For about three years, as I recall. Which was long enough for about everybody of interest (at locations across the country, as we both consult fairly widely) to become not only very familiar with the new component of her name, but also very tired of typing that whole hyphenated thing every time we needed a signature or referenced her recent work. Apparently people started suggesting strongly that she could just drop the hyphen and take the shorter name. As far as brand recognition, mission accomplished! She now has his last name. And a compendium of work under a total of three last names, but the hyphenated period does pretty effectively allow you to trace her work throughout her professional career.

I am keeping my last name, but doing the same for the kids as atlantis is. They will have my long, hard to pronounce, german last name as a middle name. This may be a good substitute for the asshole comments such as "who will keep the family name going?"

My former partner and myself wanted to both change our name to Wyrd. That way, when people talked about us, we would be "that weird family down the street".

Unfortunately, we didn't last long enough to do the dirty deed, but what fun would it have been!

Adding to what Bracket said, I just wanted to throw it out there that people get seriously lazy with what I've head called "uselessly long" names. Approximately a year ago I started going by my entire given name (I write or state my First Middle Last names each time) and it has been not quite a logistical nightmare since I haven't had to legally change anything, but a pain in the ass: some people use my whole name, some refuse to aknowledge my middle name, and me and any paperwork involved get alphabetized in two different places depending on whether my middle or last name was used.
I wanted to share this because the problems I've run into seem similar to potential issues faced by people choosing to hyphenate their names, and personally, I hadn't anticipated any sort of problems when I decided to use my whole name.

Thought you might find this story on Salon interesting — it's about a couple in CA that went through "two years, a lawsuit alleging sexual discrimination, and a change in California law" for the man to change his name: The groom will be changing his name.

I changed my name to my wife's. Part of it was for name-unity, we were planning on having kids, and didn't want to have to deal with different or hyphenated names.

Both of us feel it's important to subvert the Heterofascist Raciopatriarchy(tm). That's part of the reason. Another part is that I've been disowned from my family (for such subversions), so there's really no need for me to keep my former name. I'm willing to be a force for social change, but that's just me.

If you are male and change your name, places will give you a hard time about it! All states in the US will allow a woman to change her last name with solely a certified copy of the marriage license, whether it be a new driver's license, SS card, or whatever.

When I first went to the SSA to get a new card, they told me that I couldn't get one without a court order, and pointed to a place in their regulations that said that a marriage license could be used only if the agent allowed it. This agent didn't, so that didn't work. I finally managed to get a new driver's license in my state's DMV using just the license, and then used that to get a new SS card, credit cards, and the like.

Last note, I don't think it's fair to say "if he's not willing to change his name to yours, why should you be willing to change yours to his?" Such a question doesn't really work in a vacuum, outside of societal pressures. It's similar to saying "I'm willing to go topless at the beach, why aren't you?"

My partner and I have been together for 5 years, and at my family reunion earlier this year, I told him I'd like to keep my name when we get hitched…or even get him to change to mine (his first and my last sound better than me with his last name). Didn't go down as well as I'd hoped..

I have grown up in a feminist household, yet I feel that honoring tradition doesn't have to equate with opression of women. I am about to be married, and I would never take my soon to be wife's last name. For clarity, I work in a female dominated field, and I probably wouldn't receive any negativity if I did take her name. That being said, the guys on here saying that most of their friends didn't hassel them are delusional. I know almost all of my friends, liberal or conservative would hound me about how "whipped" I am. I guess I feel it is okay to be a man and hold onto tradition…it's just a name, I am not putting her into servitude.

my husband and i both changed our last names dramatically. he used to be andy smull, i was ingo wurl, now we're pixels! we told people about it all along the way, as we were working on choosing a name and when the wedding was rolling around. we even invited our friends to help us choose (though we took suggestions with a grain of salt as this was a very important decisions) we had some hilarious party discussions over cocktails about possible silly names. when it was all said and done no one was surprised and it just worked perfectly!

I had two friends who got married and couldn't decide on the name thing. They ended up deciding to both change their names and in an unusual twist they let the guests decide. They picked 3 names with meanings they liked and put them on the RSVP cards. When guests sent the cards in they also voted on the name. The couple then announced at the wedding which name they were taking.

Hi,

I think it's a fascinating discussion. I about to get married this winter and I refuse to change my name, and my fiance and his family are very mad about it. His mother thinks I'm terrible. Who cares, right? Hey, I just read a funny article about this exact topic in a funny new blog called "Amy vs. John" on Wetv.com. Anyone interested should definitely check it out.

Good Luck.

So, I asked this question back in April. And whoa…did it start a LOT of discussions between HTB and me. Reading the comments from men and women about their names being associated with their fathers brought up a lot of stuff for him. His father died when he was very young, and he has gone by his mother's name since…

We're getting married in just over a month, and we'll be keeping our own last names. When it came down to it, he doesn't have the courage to put up with the crap that he'll get, and I'm too stubborn to change mine because it's expected of me. I hate doing shit because it's expected.

It was important for me because I want my children to have my last name, and he says that's what will happen. I can see counseling for this in our future…(I say with a sardonic smirk)

I am thinking of changing my name. I can't hyphenate because we both have long, eastern european jewish last names and it would come out something like Steinburg-Weinstein. Which I don't want. I like my name but it means so much to my fiance that it seems harmless to go by Mrs. Hisname. I don't want to legally change it. Is that too much of a cop-out?

Rachel, I might be able to give some advice, as a guy who changed his last name.

He feels it is unfair to him because he believes he is entitled to a certain privilege, one that he probably can't quite put his finger on. To them, it is very important, it's tradition, it's what you do… none of these kinds of answers actually explain to you how it seems important to them. In contrast, I could explain to anyone why anything I find important is important to me.

He should understand that in a relationship of equals, it is, by definition, unfair of him to expect something of you that you cannot expect of him. There's no way around that. It seems perfectly OK to him for you to change your last name, but not for him to do so. (Or not OK for you to keep your last name.)

It would help to know some of the reasons he gave, and what your reasons are for not wanting to change your last name. Is it a strong familial bond in both cases? Does his name sound unattractive? Or is it the general issue with women being automatically expected to change their names?

What my wife and I did, having just married five months ago, was combine our last names into a hybrid name. Hers was Haro. Mine was Mogel. We took the German "von" meaning "of" and made it into Haro von Mogel.

Interestingly enough, my wife's mother was against the idea of not taking MY original last name! She thought it was disrespectful to my wife's FATHER not to take MY last name! Weird, isn't it? And also weird how the women become the defenders of the patriarchy.

But, as we explained to her, we were instead affording her father even more respect, because our combined last name continues her father's name, when it would have otherwise been lost.

That is one potential angle with a combined last name of some sort – that it combines each family line and gives each no more or less respect than the other.

In your situation, without any more information to go off of, my suggestion is to first understand that his attitude is probably not a rational one. Even so, a lot can be gained by helping him to understand that for every reason he may have to ask you to change your name, you probably have the same exact reasons not to. Ultimately, a compromise may be a good idea, such as incorporating his name into yours, or both changing your names to the same combination name.

Above all, if he loves you, he should accept your decision about your own name.

An acquaintance of mine and his wife decided to each take a completely new name, albeit not a completely original one. They decided to name themselves after the adorable children from The Chronicles of Narnia – and so became "B. & E. Pevensie". Neato!

As for me, my fiance and I are both going to add my maiden name as each of our middle names. So, each of us, once KMO and CJK, will now be KMOK and CJOK, but no hyphenating for us.

Gosh, I feel bad for the people who've been through really rough times regarding this!

I have a pretty "good" name — fairly easy to pronounce, not too long, common but not painfully so — but my fiance has a COOL last name, with an awesome meaning, and also an obvious ethnic heritage which matches my single biggest chunk [1/4, that I know of]. (Although the pronunciation/spelling does get messed with on occasion!)

And my full name, with my original middle name, and his last name, sounds very royal, I think. (and only one google hit, with another last name appended to it, for what my first-last would be!)

So I will *probably* take his name. And yeah, there is some 'father stuff' at work. ;p

I was at a friend's baby shower earlier this year [she kept her name, their baby has the dad's name]; and there were a fair few other feminists there who'd kept their names, or were pondering the name game. Someone brought up that it is your IDENTITY that you are changing, beyond just a name. I hadn't thought too hard on that before!

I know a couple to combined their names into a new, made-up name, and enjoy it. I haven't asked them if he got any flak for it, but they are definitely part of an alternative subculture, so I think the reaction trends towards, "cool".

HAHAHA!!!! Very true, but I just loved the way you said something I've thought for sooo long.

When my fiance and I got engaged, I was adamant about not wanting to change my name. However, he grew up with a mother with a different last name, and often ran into issues at school or with his friends. (People were confused as to who his mother was if they had not previously met her, or they assumed that his parents were divorced and were shocked by the fact that they are actually married.) I am also planning on going to grad school, and so it would be harder to change my name after I have published articles… but I understand his argument about the usefulness of having the same name as your kids. So we went round and round about how to combine our names (he refuses to hyphenate because my father is more than a little on the skeezy side and my fiance doesn't want to be associated with him), before finally settling on the idea of creating a new last name out of the both of ours. I was so blown away by his willingness to change his name (but really, it's not fair that only the woman has to change her name, and I won him over with that argument) because he likes to put up the front of "I'm a man's man" (whatever that means). Anyway.. people are doing it! It is just disappointing to read about all of the legal hassle that men have to go through just for a little equality.

sheesh, that is rife with typos, sorry! I meant "grandmother wouldn't have COME to my wedding" and "you are willing to miss your grandDAUGHTER's wedding" and realize not realizes…oh dear – you get the idea

My FH and I are also both changing our names when we get married. We intend to take his mother's maiden name. Apparently in CO all you have to do is sign your marriage documents with your intended name.

For me and my fiance, it was a case where we are both strongly attached to our family names. Since there is no one on my dad's side to carry on my surname, I didn't fully want to give it up. For my fiance, there is a lot of family pride in his surname, he definitely wanted to keep it, but felt I shouldn't be the only one to change names.

We decided to both hyphenate to show unity and a blending of families. I definitely wanted to take his name while keeping my own, and he felt the same. (Plus his name is like a backwards name, so now we're convinced that people will finally get it right!) This has definitely met with some raised eyebrows, and his brother insists that the hyphen portion is just plain stupid, but we like it. Although judging from people's responses, it looks like we'll have some fun red tape to deal with!

I am happy to have someone who understands my name is part of my identity and who wants to honor that by making it part of his own as well – just as I honor his family.

To be honest…. I think we both totally would have been for it, if not for the fact that a) the paternal side of my husband's family (with the exception of – ironically – his father) are WONDERFUL people, and b) there's one person in the whole of the USA that has the same last name and ISN'T related to him. So it's pretty unique, and there's the feeling that his family line is "dying out," so to speak.

Plus, I'd always looked forward to changing my name – my first, middle, and maiden names were all super mundane, and I get a sick kind of kick out of having to finally spell my last name

But – if there weren't such strong connections to his last name, I think we would have tried for a blended last name… to me that holds the egalitarian appeal of hyphenating, without the possible spectre of a 14-syllable surname for little ones to try and spell. :p

It's not really a big deal for women, here in the states. You will absolutely not have to change your last name. The issues come for the men. It is not as culturally acceptable for men to change their name as it is for women. Men will just have to prove a lot more often that they are who they say they are when women do not.. This is just because men change their last name when they get married far less often when women do.