Advice for dudes changing their last names
Offbeat grooms
By
on April 15, 2008
95
In the comments to this post about men changing their last names, I got this comment:
I don't want to change my last name, and my fiance is pretty open to changing his. But he's got 10 years of work under his belt with his name, and ffhe'll be the first to admit - he works with a bunch of macho types who will probably not be so supportive. So he says, "Show me another man that has done this - let me talk to him, let me learn how he navigated these challenges." ... But I can't find him a single one, except anecdotally. So where are the men who have taken their wives' names? And how do I find them?!
I know a couple men who've taken their wives' last names in two different ways (one got rid of his last name, the other hyphenated), so I pestered them for some answers:
The dude: Will Merydith, CTO of software startup
His maiden name: Will Anderson
Macho cred: Former competitive snowboarder, watches COPS.
Why did you decide to change your name? When we got married, we decided to keep our own last names. It wasn't until Dawn got pregnant that we decided a unified last name was important. We decided to take Dawn's last name for three reasons:
1. Dawn's father died at an early age, when she was in college. His last name carried extra significance for her.
2. My father has been estranged from his first family for over fifteen years. His name carried little importance to me.
3. Hyphenated names are great symbols of unity and compromise, but silly.
What responses have you gotten? It's been weird. I think Dawn's friends see it as nothing surprising because they know her feminist past. My friends really never knew what to say. They responded with puzzled looks or statements indicating they would never do such a thing. Taking Dawn's last name ended up revealing that a lot of my male friends are more macho and conservative than I would have suspected.
What advice would you give to men considering changing their names? Don't make the decision lightly. It's been a complete bureaucratic pain in the ass. Government agencies, my work, my insurance company, my credit card company, banks, the car loan agency, anything requiring a credit check ... they are not accustomed to men changing their last names. It's been five years now and I still have a stack of photocopied documentation of my name change, ready to send in order to prove, yet again, that I am who I am.
The dude: Rob Rummel-Hudson, Author
His maiden name: Rob Hudson
Macho cred: Known for cave-mannish confrontational outbursts, watches COPS.
Why did you decide to change your name? When we were talking about getting married, Julie expressed hesitation to change her name, and I agreed that really, there was no reason for her to let go of the identity she'd had all her life just because of tradition, particularly one with perhaps some misogynistic origins. At the same time, we wanted to acknowledge our new family with our names, so it just sort of grew out of that, a desire to illustrate our new reality without either of us letting go of the identities that we'd grown up with. (Also, my student loan people lost me for about three years. Woo! Maybe I should change it to Hudson-Rummel and see if they lose me again.)
What responses have you gotten? Responses have been mixed, largely depending on where we are. When we lived in Connecticut, it was less of a big deal than it has been in Texas, but even here, it seems to be less of a big deal than I thought it might be. Our families are both pretty conservative (surprisingly, since we're both such liberal heathens), and my family in particular isn't in love with it (my brother is like, "I guess it's up to me to keep the family name going now"), but honestly, I don't think either of us care much.
What advice would you give to men considering changing their names? Balance out how you feel about the traditions that seem to suggest you should keep your name and leave the changing to her. Do you value those traditions? If they don't resonate with you, then really, they're not so much traditions as arbitrary rules without reason. Keep in mind that you're sending a message to the world, and while some people may react negatively to that message, I suspect that if you're considering it in the first place, you probably don't give much stock to those kinds of opinions. In the end, it's about how you identify yourself, in the context of your marriage and your new family.
I'd love to hear from more men who changed their last names! Feel free to share your story in the comments.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Elizabeth said
This whole issue is so strange to me. I'm Puerto Rican, and the only woman I know who had to take her husband's last name is my grandmother; my grandpa was in the army and the US military pretty much forced her to do it.
Of course, we're all used to having 2 last names to begin with, and for families to share the kid's last names: The "Father's First Last Name"-"Mother's First Last Name" Family. Is this really sucha big cultural/legal issue in the States? Will I have to change my name when I move back there?
Corinne said
It's not really a big deal for women, here in the states. You will absolutely not have to change your last name. The issues come for the men. It is not as culturally acceptable for men to change their name as it is for women. Men will just have to prove a lot more often that they are who they say they are when women do not.. This is just because men change their last name when they get married far less often when women do.
Mags said
This is also a hot topic at my house… My future husband refuses to keep his last name. He said he either wants to take mine, or change his name to his mother’s maiden name and I can take that. Under no circumstances does he want to carry on his father’s name. (Insert years of pain and abuse here) In conversations we came up with a hybrid version of our names, since they are both Italian we can take the “Di†prefix in his name and add it to mine. This way we each get a change. We have gotten such mixed feelings from friends and family, from “that’s dumbâ€, “what happened to tradition?†to “that’s awesome he wants your last name.†I think we are pretty settled on it, but given my parents are in their 70’s explaining this does not come without issues. Not to mention I started researching males changing their names and I can’t believe the red tape you have to go through! Grrrr… Thanks for sharing the above stories it is nice to have some reassurance that you are not crazy!
Jess L. said
Thanks for your continued attention to this issue. My fiancé is considering changing his name to mine, and luckily California is now an equal name change state, so it's easier than it could be!
Our concern is that it seems like virtually every man who changes his name says something like, "and I had a poor relationship with my father/family anyway." my fiancé has a strong attachment to his family and is a little weirded out by this. From my perspective, I find it odd that no one expects women who change their name to have trouble with *their* family of origin! I wish we could talk to some men who changed for other reasons, like aesthetics or somesuch.
Greg Johnson said
Thanks for this comment! I am changing my name to my fiance's when we get married in September. Forst of all, it was my idea, not hers, and secondly, I have a pretty good relationship with my dad. Here are my reasons:
1) Why should I need a reason? I've heard tradition cited, but "TRADITION" is the same BS argument that CA has been using to keep same-sex couples from marrying, so screw that. I have also heard that I would be insulting my family, but why wouldn't she be doing the same if she changed hers? For the record, I told my Dad far in advance, told him my reasons, and he is (at least I think) not insulted.
2) She is an only child with no male cousins. If she drops her last name, it's gone forever (and it's a beautiful name too: Farren), I on the other hand, have 4 brothers, and our last name is Johnson. Is our name really in danger of going extinct? Please.
3) I'm tired of having a generic name. When someone has to look up my account by name, I'm usually one of 40 billion "Greg Johnsons" in the system. Her last name is cool. I like it.
The only thing that pulls on the strings of my masculinity at all is the phrase "maiden name." But if enough people like me say "screw it" to tradition, maybe that word will become archaic.
Adica said
Just start using the term "birth name" or something like that. "Maiden name" isn't even an accurate term for most women, anyway.
Jess L. said
(To clarify: not that these other dudes who changed names didn't have many other primary reasons! We just wish we could hear from guys who changed their names entirely for whom family history was not a huge factor. I just don't understand this fixation on Your Relationship With Your Father!)
Ariel said
Jess, I think it's less of an "I hate my dad!" thing and more of a way to reason through the issue. If the name is passed down through patrilineal channels, it makes sense to consider your father when considering his name.
I totally agree that it's a weird double standard that women don't typically think about these things, but I don't think it's odd that when men consider taking on a new name, part of what they think about is their relationship to their existing name … that they got from their father.
ShiloM said
My fiance hates his last name and wants to change his to mine. At first I was into it, but as silly as it sounds, I was always looking forward to changing my name when I got married, and being a Mrs. So and so. Antiquated, sure fine whatever, but I wanted it However, I hate his last name too. It has the word "cock" in it. And not like totally ridiculous like Woodcock, just kinda lame. So, I'm not going to do that. Plus, after all the teasing and crap he says he had to put up with, if we have kids, I don't want to subject them to that. I thought about hyphenating, but I come from a french-canadian background where all the kids had hyphenated names, and then what happens when 2 kids with 4 names get together? Too complicated. He's going to change it, but I don't think he'll be able to stick to it because that means that he will hae to tell all his old buddies who call him by his last name that he's now "so and so" instead of "blah di blah" and since he's still sensitive to teasing, I just don't see it. Women in our society have been somewhat conditioned to accept the name change, but men are totally foreign to it. I don't think he understands that he's not just changing his name, he is erasing his old name. As in he will have to change his signature, all his documents, what he responds to. It's quite the paradigm shift. I suggested we wait until we had kids and changed it then so it's more like a family name, but he wants to change it after the wedding. My last name is actually my mother's maiden name because she was a single parent, so it's I guess sort of keeping with the tradition to continue to pass this name on matriliarily. which, I must admit is pretty cool since we are the bearers of life, so why shouldn't we pass our name on. But, it's not really my beliefs or those of my family and friends that worries me. It's this stupid soceity that feels it haas to judge and destroy anyone who does anything differently. I love my fiance so much, and I just don't want to see him teased by a bunch of sexists both male and female. I wish people would just mind their own damn business!
Nate Bear said
Amen to the last two sentences.
So far I'm mixed. I Like my last name a lot more than my fiancée's, but I wouldn't mind hyphenating it just to stick it to the man.
Incidentally, I have my mother's maiden name, which wasn't even her birth name in the first place.
Nate B said
Amen to the last two sentences.
So far I'm mixed. I Like my last name a lot more than my fiancée's, but I wouldn't mind hyphenating it just to stick it to the man.
Incidentally, I have my mother's maiden name, which wasn't even her birth name in the first place.
ShiloM said
P.s Why do people feel it is their duty to tell you things like: If you don't do…(usually a big traditional wedding, or grade 12 math) that you'll "regret it for the rest of your life" and stuff like that? Who decided what and if I'll regret something. I'm a little "offbeat", and I've been hearing crap like this my whole life, and so far the only thing I regret is ever listning.
Aryanna said
HAHAHA!!!! Very true, but I just loved the way you said something I've thought for sooo long.
Blake said
This is the first time I've seen first person male responses to this issue. It's a great post.
My husband would definitely hyphenate if I asked him. He did for his last marriage.
But I couldn't bring myself to change my name, so it was moot.
Will said
Ariel your research has shown something extremely interesting – the relationship between watching COPs and taking your wife's name is clear.
Jess -
I've asked myself the question, "would I have taken my wife's last name had I been close to my father?" And that's an impossible question to answer obviously but I've tried. On one hand I'd like to think I'd have had the kind of relationship with my father to still make the decision to take my wife's name. On the other hand taking your wife's name is a rebellion the existing instituion of marriage and I would argue to your father (in this paternal system).
I too would love to hear of someone who took their wife's name AND has a great relationship with their father. But not finding that individual shouldn't be of "concern" imo.
Ultimately men taking their wife's name is an act of rebellion to the paternal component of marriage. Having a crappy relationship with your father makes that act of rebellion easier. But a man who takes his wife's name AND who has a good relationship with his father is most likely going to choose this path out of protest to the system or cultural circumstances.
I could be wrong, but I think it's pretty early for the process of men taking their wive's names to be a choice that doesn't have any of this other baggage or offbeat cred around it.
One last point of history on my situation:
My wife and I weren't even going to get married – out of protest to the instituation of marriage itself. In part because our gay couple friends couldn't get married and reap the benefits of that contract. I worked at Disney at the time, which offered insurance to domestic partners. When I went to sign Dawn up, it turns out that Disney offers insurance to a) married couples and b) SAME SEX domestic partners. Disney's attitude is apparently that if you're living together you either needed to be gay or married.
Liz said
My parents have friends who did this in the seventies. They hyphenated, one long name one short name. It works out well for them. I think it was mostly professional reasoning behind it- he needed a more "authentic" last name for the museum he curates.
teri said
I asked a few of the more traditional guys I knew about this, just out of curiosity- wondering what level of harassment a guy changing his name should expect from these sorts of guys. The usual first reaction was "wtf?? why??". After I stoped ranting at them, the admited that away from femmenist female ears, they would probabaly give a guy friend of theirs a hard time about it.
Then I asked "what if he had a really shitty relationship with his dad and didnt want to carry on his name or have anything to do with him?". That got a much more positive responce. Looks like, from my limited sample, guys with bad relationships with their father may not only have an easier time changing their names for sentimental reasons, but becuase their less likely to catch as much greif over it.
mordicai knode said
The dude: Mordicai Knode
His maiden name: Burke
Macho cred: Three titanium plates in skull from brass knuckle clobbering.
Why did you decide to change your name? As some people have said, the (potential) little whippersnappers were the root of it. I wanted to have the same last name as them, & I attach more importance to my chosen family than my birth family. So as there wasn't a new name or a combination that worked, I went with hers.
What responses have you gotten? Pretty much a "good for you," & a "uh, okay?" mix. A few "friendly" uses of the word "whipped," but I don't really sweat it.
What advice would you give to men considering changing their names? I am still going through the legal hoops of it. A bit of a pain. Socially, I can only recommend it. New clan!
Sandy said
Can we hear from couples who have both decided to drop their given last names and come up with a new married last name together?
Mary H said
I know this is way later than anyone else commenting, but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents. My fiance and I are both ditching our last names. Mine is "Henderson" and his is "Berube." We've decided to change our last name to "Berson" as a fun combination of the two. Over the last few months, we've both really gotten in to building the strength of our new Berson family (even though we aren't married yet), and the new name has helped us feel a connection to the ways in which our lives are intertwined as we work together towards our mutual future.
Esposalejana said
Close friends of mine both dropped their last names and between the two of them created a last name that reflected their love of ecology and their mutual interdependence on each other and their community. For their wedding favors they gave each guest a beautifully designed shirt with a definition of their new name on the back. I still have that shirt and those friends because although they live far away, they continue to nurture their relationships in a way that affirms their chosen name.
Hollie said
On another note, I know a lot of women that have changed there married name but kept their professional name (especially those who have gone to PhD and need that degree to have the same name) That way no credit card change. Can a guy not do that too?
Loaf said
This is an interesting issue for gay couples too, who like the legal symbolism of having the same last name, even when the gov't won't recognize our relationships. But it presents a problem for us when we'd never consider changing our names if we were marryng men. And the whole kids thing is tricky too.
It's nice to hear more perspectives on this!
abby said
Both of us changed our last names to something completely different.
We each have good, though completely different, relationships with our families; there was no reaction to a bad history for either of us. I wanted us to have the same last name as a representation that we were now a team–he & I, not me & the men in his family. He said, "Well, you shouldn't have to be the only one who changes their name," which seemed fair.
I filed all the paperwork and, 7 years later, we still get compliments on the name. The paperwork is a bit of a hassle, depending on where you live. If you are combining lives anyway, you are going to have to change some information no matter what. You might as well change a little more while you're at it. Of course I kept the copies of the legal documentation–every once in a while we still need to send a credit reporting agency one.
I was raised very traditionally and yet my conservative family really didn't bat an eye when we did this. If you have always been a person who did things a little differently, wouldn't it be more shocking if you followed the norm suddenly because you were getting married? I would guess that negative or critical comments come from people who don't know the real you as well. No one in either of our families seemed to care, our friends didn't seem to think twice, and the only ones who gave me any hassle were the HR people who didn't know how to process the paperwork for him.
Emotionally has it mattered to both have dropped our given names and chosen a new married name? It's hard distinguish from all of the other subtle changes that go along with marriage. My husband says, "I hadn't really thought about it." So, there you go. He did suggest that it depends on how "pliable" your relationship is to your family and to your concept of legacy; his was pretty malleable. I also don't think he has a lot of macho friends he had to consider, though I suspect he would have done it despite them, if he had.
As for the question that generated this comment, the length of work history with a certain name is a very legitimate argument, particularly if you're building a business of your own or an expertise in an industry. You've spent all this time on a brand and now you're going to change it because one of the unrelated features (your marital status) has changed? That's hard to argue for either the man or the woman. Deciding to change or not change your name because of the reactions of others is unsupportable as an argument and disrespectful to your spouse (you'd rather avoid comments from others about something that's none of their business than do what you and your spouse decide together). I guess if I were the guy, I would be cautious about the work thing and ask around to find out how it might have impacted others in his field. And I would drop the argument that "my buddies will give me sh*t" like a hot potato.
brava! said
Such an interesting topic; I'm glad you posted about it!
First of all, I don't know why anyone changes their name if they don't want to. And I can't imagine that the kind of guy who'd take his wife's surname would really care if other people snorted at it. He's gotta be secure and enlightened and that is sexxxxy!
I always thought it would be easiest if girls got their mother's surnames and boys got their father's. It's not a perfect system, but at least it doesn't TOTALLY overrite the geneology of female lineage.
Jen said
My husband changed his name to mine-his. His family did not understand why, but for us, it was because my last name had major significance, I didn't want to lose it, and his name also had major significance so I offered the solution to both go hyphenated.
We'd had numerous friends who had either changed their names to something completely different or hyphenated so it wasn't too strange for my husband to change his to "mine-his". It was our way of being equal on the name thing, why should the woman give up her perfectly good name? It's funny though, because my family sends us cards to Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated-Last-Name and his sends them to Mr. and Mrs. "His Last Name", which should irk me, but actually irks him more.
MLE said
My husband and I decided before we were even engaged that, if we were to get married, we'd both change our last names to a new name. He's got a great relationship with his family but no particular ties to his last name (it's only been his family's name for 3 generations, long story) and I'm neither attached to mine nor do I have a particularly good relationship with my father. We wanted the same last name when we got married, but neither liked the other's name enough to change to that. Luckily, our old surnames combine quite nicely to make a new one that we both like a lot – Stryker. We've been telling people of our plans for the length of our engagement (14 months) and have to get the legal paperwork started, since we got married in CA and there was noplace for our names to be changed on the license, and we live in CO. So we're both going the court order name change route.
HeidiAphrodite said
Great reading, but something to take into consideration are the genealogical implications. My parents are the genealogists for their respective sides of the family, and there has been confusion with last names in the past (second marriages, etc). If you choose to do this, make sure the records are very clear so that anyone doing research in the future doesn't want to get in a time machine and punch you for complicating stuff. That said, a guy I went to high school with took his wife's last name so her children wouldn't be confused or teased. I thought that was pretty awesome.
villain said
My man and I are both changing our names. I had though, first of all, that I wasn't going to get married, so changing my name wasn't an issue. We both, as I'm sure most folks reading this, have issues with patriarchy and state-sponsorship of relationships. Finally, we decided that in order to make marriage into the sort of institutions we want to be a part of, we need to exemplify it. Put our money where our mouths are, so to speak. So,we decided to get hitched. I suggested that he take my name, but changing completely is really a better match for us. We're choosing a name that is not particularly outlandish and is what my maiden name means in another language. I'll keep my last name as another middle name. Not sure what he will do with his, but let me tell you there is no way in the nine hells that I would take his icky sounding name! It also helps to marry a feminist; I highly recommend it!
Cynthia said
This is an interesting topic. I kept my last name when I married (had to do lots of talking with the husband first…).
My sister did the same thing. When they had their child the agreement was – if a daughter, her last name, if a son, his last name. Since she had a daughter, the family name has made it down yet another generation on the female side.
DQ said
"and I’ve been hearing crap like this my whole life, and so far the only thing I regret is ever listning.
Hear hear ShiloM!
I have told the boy I will only change my name if he changes his, that seems very unlikely at this stage (I had suggested that i go hisname-myname, and he goes myname-hisname at one point). I would say we will end up keep what we already have and then work it all out if kids happen.
Peihan said
We're also choosing a new last name (paperwork is already in process). For us, we got jammed in to a tight corner and a new name seemed to be the best way out. Here's our long story =P
-FH was born with a hyphenated last name (mother+father's last names). He's encountered a lot of problems with paperwork, etc. with it, and wishes it was shorter.
-FH's parents have since divorced (not amicably).
-FH and I want to share a last name (along with any possible kids).
-I don't want to take two last names, when neither of them are mine. I don't particularly want to keep mine, since I don't have a great relationship with my dad.
So it would seem the easiest option would be to just choose one of FH's last names and keep that, which would be fine with me, but his parents were both very adamant that FH did not choose the other person's name over their own. Very, very adamant. And angry. Not good.
So then we tried looking at past last names in the family tree. Same problem. Can't choose a name from the other person's side of the family either.
So new name it is. Both of his parents would rather we took a new last name than the name of the other person. My parents sortof thought that I was going to change my name anyway, so they don't seem to care, though they think it's weird. I like this better anyway, since I never thought the whole woman-changes-her-name-but-guy-doesn't thing was very fair.
We chose our name by using those baby name sites where you can search by meaning. So it has an important meaning to us, and some interesting classical relationships. And, google doesn't show it to be anything else obvious either =)
Ace said
So nobody has yet discussed what happens when one party has been married already…I still have my ex-husband's last name (mostly because it's cool); my fiance has a name that is most definitely not cool. Naturally, he doesn't want to take my name, and I don't want his… Unfortunately, I think he's too conservative to consider making up a name. ~sigh~
Alyssa said
Never settle