Brides behaving badly online
Another installment of Mailbag!
Hey Ariel … I just want to say thank you. I am with a great guy and have slowly been planning my wedding with him for a couple years now. I was never ‘that girl’ who dreamt of her wedding since the age of 3… so when we started talking marriage, I completely dove into all the books and magazines I could get my hands on. I’ve been gathering images and stories to try to make ‘our day’ as much about us as possible.
I even joined a couple wedding websites (which I will not name) and posted some of my ideas to see what other women had to say… To my surprise, my unique ideas were not as appreciated as I would’ve thought. Although I was up for constructive criticism from other brides, I was NOT up to having grown women pick apart my entire life.
In a matter of SECONDS they had logged onto other personal websites, sifted through my pictures and blogs, and started message boards about me being a “hooker” and a “stripper,” my man being a “drag queen,” how I “roped him into a relationship when all he wanted was sex,” and how my color theme “looks like a bad bowel movement.”Truthfully, I haven’t been called THAT many names or been made to feel like I was an inch tall since I was in about 4th grade! They say high school kids are ruthless, but brides-to-be can be 10 times worse! How these women have enough time and energy and so little heart to belittle a complete stranger is beyond me.
The good thing is, just a few days after my bashing, I received your book, “Offbeat Bride,” in the mail. It was like a breath of fresh air! It was EXACTLY what I needed to re-assure me that my interests may NOT be cookie cutter bride ideas, but they represent the two of us and our sense of humor and our friends and family that love us — and that’s what’s most important. So thanks! — Erin
You’re so welcome, Erin … and I’m so sorry you had to go through bridal bitchery and back. Here’s a little secret for you: not all the offbeat weddings I see are my style. We all have particular tastes, you know? And sometimes, I see an offbeat wedding that I’m like “ZOMG, nooo! I would hate it if that was my wedding!”
But here’s the thing: it’s not my wedding. When we’re talking about truly unique, offbeat weddings, it’s pretty much guaranteed that stuff is going to not be to everyone’s fancy.
… AND THAT’S PART OF WHAT’S SO FUCKING AWESOME!!
Just because *I* wouldn’t want, say, a taxidermy wedding (bleah: all those dead animals with their creepy glass eyes!) doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate when someone else throws a beautiful wedding with preserved dead squirrels on their black wedding cake. Soooo not my style, but hey: neither is steampunk. I still think it’s fascinating!
I think in the world of traditional weddings, this concept of tolerance gets lost. And it sucks.
That said, I’m so glad you found Offbeat Bride — here’s to being inspired by tons of weddings that, while they may not be your style, are packed with the spirit and personalities of the couples getting married. Huzzah!
Comments
21 responses to this entryKate Myers
December 10th, 2007 · 6:26 AM · #Erin, you’re not alone - i can’t believe how judgmental people can be! no one has picked on me yet, but then again, i am avoiding “those” sites like the plague.
Moonspun
December 10th, 2007 · 6:27 AM · #Erin, sorry for your experience…simply said…that sucks! You’d definitely think that women learned somewhere along the line, like kindergarden, to be nicer. If you don’t like what someone is doing, fine. Leave them along. What joy could possibly come from belitting others? More importantly, you’ve got the gumption to stick to what’s important to you. Like Ariel said, that’s what is more important. Besides, if those women are so shallow, chances are their own weddings are just a show and their marriages will be just as hollow. Unlike yours!
teri
December 10th, 2007 · 7:29 AM · #Oooo…so, from their critisizm, I’m guessing your haveing an earthtone, slightly risque look, and wont be too concerned about the gender traditions? That sounds cool! whats your offbeat bride username? I want to see an inspiration board!
Rachel
December 10th, 2007 · 7:59 AM · #Oh Erin, want me to beat them up for you? I hate it when women get all catty just because someone’s different. I’ve met plenty of these women in my life and I’ve learned that you just have to let them show their true colors and how pathetic they really are. Sorry they made you feel bad. Cheer up! Join the Ning Offbeat Bride Tribe. Everyone in there is AWESOME and they’ll give you nothing but support.
Rebekah
December 10th, 2007 · 8:04 AM · #Ech. Those girls can be so rude. They’ve done some pretty bad things online. I just didn’t post on the boards or bios. Not worth the trouble.
Kathryn
December 10th, 2007 · 8:15 AM · #I don’t understand why people are so set on one right way (and it’s not limited to weddings!). I may make a whole dumpload of traditional inspiration boards, but I always love something fresh and unique, even if it isn’t my personal style. Good luck planning your wedding!
Annick
December 10th, 2007 · 1:29 PM · #When I read your esperience I was truly shock! I couldn’t believe people behaving like that! It’s your wedding, nobody have nothing to say about it except you futur! I get realy frustrated when people try to make others live life the way they want.
I got only one thing to tell you: not every bride is like that, theire is still kind person.
Delirium
December 10th, 2007 · 3:12 PM · #I can’t believe how awful people can be! I’m really sorry you had to go through that! I’m actually surprised Ariel didn’t mention it but she has a group spun off from this site called “The Offbeat Bride Tribe”. It is a site similar where brides talk about ideas but one difference: I have NEVER seen anyone bashing each other. I was so glad when I joined because everyone is SOOOO supportive and it feels like a little online family. No one judges one another - I think because we all know that we are very different and “offbeat” so even if one bride’s “offbeatness” is the polar opposite of another’s everyone is supportive of the fact that we are all individuals. I love that! So you should totally check it out, there is a link from OBB’s main page - I have found it to be a lifesaver and fascinating to see all the “offbeat” ideas people have!
http://offbeatbride.ning.com/
Tammy
December 10th, 2007 · 3:24 PM · #Erin - sorry to hear about your experience. But know you’re not alone. A friend of mine got mocked and harassed on one of those sites when she was married in 2005. Her username at the time was her “nickname”4ed (Ed being her husband, of course). The others on those sites started calling her “nickname”FOREHEAD and making fun of her wedding photos.
I don’t understand why they have to be so catty and childish. It’s ridiculous.
Good luck planning your wedding!
Reba
December 10th, 2007 · 3:28 PM · #Wow Erin- That it *so* completely shitty! Screw those evil, judgeMENTAL bridezillas- welcome to the wonderful whirled of OffbeatBrideLand! I was super freaked out about planning our wedding until a friend turned me on to Ariel’s site… now I am totally enjoying creating the best party ever!
Canadian bride
December 10th, 2007 · 5:05 PM · #It’s sad what people will say online but would never have the nerve to say in person. Although it’s the oldest advice in the book, I would say it’s best to ignore the comments from those less-than-sweet brides. They are making snap judgements about someone they really know almost nothing about.
And although some people and some magazines would make you believe weddings should all be the same and formulaic, they aren’t. This is your and your fiance’s day. Enjoy it and make it your own! This is a celebration for you - not the “wedding show” where you are acting out the Bride role.
Andrea
December 10th, 2007 · 5:57 PM · #I am so sorry that other brides, who should be excited for you and supportive of you as well, attacked and belittled you. I think women, and brides, should all accept each others’ differences and just leave each other alone. It seems incredibly extreme to talk about someone you don’t even know like that, but I guess people are idiots, brides or not. Good luck planning the wedding of your dreams!
Miss Jennifer
December 10th, 2007 · 6:40 PM · #Erin, sorry for your crappy experience, I try to avoid most wedding websites for that reason.
I’ve always found the wedding machine(for lack of a better term) to be pretty entertaining because it seems to be that it’s “your special day”…unless you’re different, then your visions of “your special day” is not the right vision. Oh and then the people with the “right vision” try to make you feel like you’ll regret not having having a big white wedding.
kat
December 11th, 2007 · 4:29 AM · #eugh erin that sucks! booo to the bitchy bridezillas. from what i can tell from your letter your ideas sound amazing and sexy and i’d love to get a peek of some of you ideas! dont let the cookie cutter unoriginal brides get you down and be yourself!
Pazz
December 11th, 2007 · 6:09 AM · #Some people feel threatened when another person has awesome, unique ideas. I guess they feel that their cookie cutter lifestyle is being threatened by your individuality. So they lash out and try make you feel like rubbish.
Its childish and very, very ‘highschool’ of them.
Be yourself and screw everyone else, its not your fault that they are all boring, uncreative bitches.
zan
December 11th, 2007 · 11:34 AM · #Hey Erin, if it makes you feel better just remember that these are the women who go into such horrible debt that it takes them 3 years or more to pay it off. They don’t want a marriage, but just a wedding. They will never be happy and to be honest, they will most likely end up in divorce. How do I know that? Well, it is because obviously things are not going to well for them to be bashing someone else who is happy on their own terms. You just do what ever you want and I wish someone would say I looked like a stripper. Hell, girl, that means you have a killer body. LOL! They are just some jealous heffas!
Matthia
December 11th, 2007 · 11:49 AM · #I had a really similar experience, only I wasn’t the one being picked on. It was on some wedding forum somewhere and someone said the were thinking about not getting officially married at their wedding because of work things or something and EVERYBODY on the forum jumped all over her! They said the guests would be pissed and people would expect their GIFTS BACK (!!!) when they found out. I mean, WHAT? anyways, that;s what did it for me. I haven;t gone back. Trust me, you’re in a much better place now!!
Jillian
December 11th, 2007 · 11:51 AM · #Even though you didn’t say which site it was, I’m going to guess it was The S(K)not. I’ve heard horror stories from people who have blogged on there before. Way too many ladies who want perfect pink weddings and who have no tolerance for anyone who does anything different.
Honestly, just ignore those ridiculous girls and realize that there are a lot of us ladies who love the unusual and are eager to support one of our own (I for one would love to see your plans).
Screw those nasty women and rock on with your planning!
Lily
December 11th, 2007 · 2:36 PM · #It so sad to me that people can be so intolerant. My honey had a real life encounter like that. A woman he works with found out that he’s a practicing pagan, and that we are planing a handfasting. She went off on him at length about how our wedding won’t be ligitimate, and that because of his beliefs our relationship will be “soaked in sin”. Along with some other BS not worth mentioning.
There are people out there who hate things they don’t understand, and who don’t make the effort to understand much outside of what they are hand fed. They are easily threated by the idea that other people live off beat lives, and get angry when we choose not to fall into line.
Be happy in the knowledge that you’ve found someone to build a life with, and know that *your* friends and family are all that matter. Not some close minded hos on the internet :D.
Erin
December 11th, 2007 · 7:57 PM · #Thank you guys so much for all of your support and kind words… I get warm fuzzies everytime I log on here and see more wonderful open-minded women backing me up. I have officially joined offbeatbride.ning and am LOVING all the great ideas! Y’all know how to make a girl feel special!
Ashley
May 14th, 2008 · 1:56 PM · #Hey Erin.
Don’t worry about the ppl that don’t like it. it’s YOUR wedding. I’ve delt with judgment from my soon-to-be-in-laws since days one. I’m a woman that wants to get into animation and special effects and has no plans on having kids any time soon, and his family doesn’t even know why i’m in university…apparently i should be staying at home taking care of my finacee……so when they asked if i had started wedding planning, my “friends” and soon-to-be-in-laws didnt like the idea of a no-white dress, it not being in a church, me not taking his last name…..I’ve been called so many things behind my back that has wound up coming back to my ears somehow. Do what makes you happy. Find people that will recognize it is your wedding and give you constructive ideas keeping in mind you may not want to be conventional. These people ended up being my finacee and my mother…and this site and book lol. If you do your thing girl it will be one of the most memorable days when you look back on it…you wont be going “why did i listen to her and use that corny idea i/he/she looks so stupid” lol