Your wedding is not a contest
Philosophizing
By
on May 25, 2007
55
So I was looking around your website, and I feel like sort of a poser even being here. I'm wearing a white dress and I have my bridesmaids wearing pink and although we're not getting married in a church, our ceremony looks pretty traditional. Do you have any suggestions for how I can make my wedding more offbeat?
-Jessica
Is this offbeat enough? …Or maybe I should have gone for the red dress?
I actually don't, Jessica — because I don't think your wedding needs to be more offbeat. It just needs to be honest and authentic, and if what you want is a white dress and a more traditional ceremony, I think that's fucking awesome.
I've run into this a lot in talking to people about their weddings — the dirty flip-side of "my wedding is too weird" is "my wedding isn't weird enough." Both sentiments make me sad because your wedding is not a contest.
There's this bridal machismo that can sneak into your mind, and it's not especially healthy. I've seen this happen with DIY/crafty brides, who get down on themselves for not hand-making every last piece of wedding detritus. I've seen this from feminist brides who feel like if they let someone walk them down the aisle, they need to defend their choice. I've seen it with green/eco-brides who agonize over the fact that they're using a non-organic unity candle.
As your resident alt-lifestyle consultant, please allow me to state this clearly: brides do not need more ways to feel bad about our weddings.
I didn't write Offbeat Bride as a judgment — I've gone to traditional weddings that were beautiful expressions of the couple's backgrounds and beliefs. I wrote the book to act a cheerleader for those wrestling with making nontraditional decisions about their wedding — not as an admonishment of those who chose otherwise.
Engaged women don't need another voice telling them they're failing.
In this way, I guess maybe the book is mis-titled. Maybe it shouldn't be Offbeat Bride, but Authentic Bride. I kept this in mind while I was working on the book: Engaged women don't need another voice telling them they're failing. It doesn't matter if it's a voice of tradition telling them they're wrong for wanting to have their wedding in the round, or a voice of nontradition telling them they're wrong for wanting to wear a white dress — brides need encouragement and support.
If you check out the Real Offbeat Weddings I feature, you'll see that I make a point to showcase a variety of wedding styles, from white dress-wearing B&B weddings all the way to Magical Mystery Wedding Tours.
There's nothing to prove here. Having a weird wedding just for the sake of making a statement is just as inauthentic as forcing yourself into a traditional ceremony to keep your parents happy. Your wedding should reflect the reality of you and your partner's life together. If you're using your wedding to prove a point about anything other than your commitment to each other, it's worth step back a bit to reconsider your motivations.
Your wedding is not a race, and there's no need to win — the only prize you need is the commitment of your partner (aww) and you get that regardless of how far you chose to walk off the beaten aisle.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Grace said
SO well said. Thanks so much for voicing the conflict I feel…I want some traditional elements, some offbeat, and it's easy to feel rejected by the extremists in both directions.
Nico said
Thank you, I love all the profiles and brides on your site. They are all so beautiful with fantastic weddings. I was feeling sad the other day that mine won't be quite as untraditional. But after reading this I realized that at least it really is a reflection of me and the boyfriend… and that's as much as I could ever want. Thanks again for your words and this site!
Sam said
Bravo. This blog was fantastic. I wish more people would apply what you said in their every day life. People need to stop trying so hard to be "different" -isn't that worse than being average?
Ariel said
Sam, I couldn't agree more. In fact, I am now inspired to write out this big long story about this silly but still relevant AHA moment I had about this issue in high school.
I was in high school from '89-'93, which as you can imagine, was the apex of "alternative" culture in the Northwest. My high school definitely skewed toward alternative being vastly preferable to preppy or normal, which was seen as way too '80s. I remember one classmate telling me all about how she very carefully put this sticker on her binder crooked because, well, she didn't want it to look too normal. I, meanwhile, was a freak from a weird hippie family and I was desperate to be mainstream, so while all my suburban classmates tried to be alternative by listening to grunge, I was madly trying to be more normal by listening to Top 40. (I still have a soft spot for New Jack Swing.)
… And then there was Lindsey. She rode horses and was from a wealthy family. She shopped at J. Crew and Banana Republic, and oddly she seemed the most at peace with herself. In 1990, I realized that of everyone at our school, she might actually be the most authentic, because while most of us were desperately trying to be something we weren't — Lindsey was just being herself. She was what most of us would consider preppy, but she didn't waste her time pretending to be anything else — which most of us around her spent all our time doing. She was comfortable with who she was, which when you're 15 is fucking MIND BLOWING.
I guess, if you want to get high school about it … I'd take an authentic prep over a poser any day.
weddingfanatic said
Great post!! I agree, weddings should be truly about the couple and their lives and life together, however they may be. Authenticity rocks.
Love the pic.
Veronica said
What if your wedding is a contest¿
I watched this British comedy flick that was a sort of mockumentary of the bridal industry and it really made me laugh and also made me think of all of the offbeat brides out there who maybe could use a laugh.
The movie is called "Confetti" and the basic plot is couples in a competition to have the most "original" wedding. The prize is a new house to start their lives in. It comes highly recommended and that is all I will say about it.
Oh, except to warn that there is loads of nudity, but no sexy. So if nekkid people riding tandem bicycles isn't your kind of thing I would suggest you stay away.
Love always~
jenn said
Yay! These are words to comfort me when I'm fretting that I'm under some kind of massive (and completely self-imposed) obligation to "impress" people…
*Crazy Lady* said
Those are definately words of comfort. I often find myself comparing my wedding ideas to others. I'm a very alternative person, I imagined having something like a zombie themed wedding, but it never felt right because I want my wedding to resemble how I view love, and I view love in a traditional way, so we're having a traditional wedding in the sense, but we're adding a lot of our own touches to it. For example, my fiance's father is writing out our ceremony for us, he's a religious philosopher.
navkat said
I flirted with the idea of having a Discordian wedding…and concluded that the best way to do that is to elope in comforatble shoes then go eat sushi afterwards.
I'm soooo tired of the wedding thing; the planning, the stressing, the fears that I'm not doing it right…and for what?
It occurs to me that the whole point of staging a "wedding" is to satisfy some personal need for ritual/ceremony/theatrics. That's fine, I get that, but why does the exchanging of vows and the chosen "ritual" to seal the deal always have to be comprised of the same elements? Why does it seem that even "offbeat" weddings are the same thing in different shapes and colours?
Think about it: You have a bride, a dress, a cake, rings, flowers and a bunch of maids/ushers. What about the whoopee-cushions and the official taco-fights? If making the wedding "offbeat" is supposed to mean that it's somehow more personalized and therefore, more authentic, why do the same *type* of elements keep repeating themselves, even if the exact theme doesn't? Does that mean these things are universals that apply to the majority of the population? Or is it something else?
If one *really* wants to rewrite the rules here, isn't it safe to say that the only element that *really* should remain universal is the actual exchanging of vows? I mean, everything else is just play-time, right?
Aside from the required legal crap, I think I'm going to marry my fiance by making him a beaded, KandE bracelet and dancing with him to funky house music all night long…in comforatble shoes.
People are welcome to join us.
Debbie said
I love that idea! KandE bracelet…..hehehe
Me n my fiance just wanna show up be married and hang out …..bbq, funky music, ppl in comfy clothes…just a house type party in which we just happen to exchange vows….none of the money spent on stuff no one really wants to take home…cept some munchies! =) oh but the cake….GOTTA HAVE! I freakin LUV cake! lol
You could do a cake to look like turntables! That would not suck! =)
Cinnamon said
You said this last nite, too, and I thought it was perfect.
My best friend (the bride) is actually getting married for the SECOND time. Her first time was quiet, totally private and a bit of a shotgun (she was 7 months pregnant and really young). She feels like this time is the "real" wedding (THE guy) and wants the big party. Her husband-to-be has never been married and he's quite a traditionalist. They are butting heads over how "out there" he is willing to go.
So they compromise A LOT. The wedding itself is pretty traditional in form, but she is adding little touches here and there to be true to her "offbeat" nature. Her 14 year old son is walking her down the aisle instead of her dad. While she'll be walking down the aisle to the wedding march or the canon (still in debate), the bridesmaids and groomsmen will be walking down to a rock song performed by the Section Quartet (string quartet friends of mine) on cd. The minister is someone's mom and will be incorporating elements of Catholicism, Christianity and Buddhism.
My friend has always done things her own way. She's been an amazing single mom and has gone back to school to get her degree.
I think being an Offbeat Bride just means not buying into someone else's idea of the perfect wedding…but discovering for yourself what is meaningful and beautiful for the both of you.
Thank you SO MUCH, Ariel, for writing this book and being so awesome.
*Crazy Lady* said
"So they compromise A LOT. The wedding itself is pretty traditional in form, but she is adding little touches here and there to be true to her “offbeat†nature. Her 14 year old son is walking her down the aisle instead of her dad. While she’ll be walking down the aisle to the wedding march or the canon (still in debate), the bridesmaids and groomsmen will be walking down to a rock song performed by the Section Quartet (string quartet friends of mine) on cd. The minister is someone’s mom and will be incorporating elements of Catholicism, Christianity and Buddhism."
That sounds a lot like our ceremony Cinnamon, as I already mentioned, my fiancé’s father is religious philosopher, and he has certification as both a Priest and Rabbi. He will be incorporating many different spiritual elements into our ceremony for us as he'll be writing it. Our processional music is from the Serenity movie soundtrack. Everything about the ceremony is based on what feel we our "perfect" wedding should be for us, and not some show for our guests, pretty much what you already said, "I think being an Offbeat Bride just means not buying into someone else’s idea of the perfect wedding…but discovering for yourself what is meaningful and beautiful for the both of you."
Heather said
I just wrote a blog post on the forums about my own internal war with OPWs (Other People's Weddings). I'm a critical person by nature, but I like to think I'm aware of it. So I do my best to hold my tongue when I see taffeta, Canon in D and matchy-matchy colours.
Especially when planning our own, we all compare our tastes with other weddings. And sometimes, we misread our own feelings. We think 'who on earth would want to see another white strapless dress?' when we mean 'I choose not to wear a white strapless dress'. The difference between the two is important; it keeps us from competing, like you said, and it keeps us from becoming Bridezillas. Worse, judgemental Bridezillas.
Thanks for the reminder, Ariel, that the pressure to be 'different' and 'normal' are both there. Also, that what we should be striving for is sincere self-expression, not forced uniqueness.
Ariel said
"What we should be striving for is sincere self-expression, not forced uniqueness."
Amen, Heather!
Heather said
(Thanks for the link editing, Ariel!)
snippet & ink said
… For those of you worried that your wedding isn't big enough, or unique enough, or whatever, take a look at this post by Offbeat Bride. It's a nice reminder that your wedding day isn't about out-doing other brides, but rather about expressing who you and your fiance really are, sharing your special day with the people who matter most to you, and getting to spend forever with someone you love. …
robin said
THANK you. this looks like the sort of book I could really have used last year. Of course we had action figures on our cake and on the tables and we walked back up the isle to the Monty Python theme, so maybe I _didn't_ need it. but it looks good.
susan said
fantastic. live and let live!
Tway said
You know, I read the book and was relieved to know lots of other couples weren't going the full traditional route–and then I went and booked a whole lot of traditional stuff. Ha! I think I just needed "permission" to be myself.
We have lots of traditional touches planned–doodled invites, mismatched bridal dresses and party (a woman on the man's side -oh no!), a restaurant instead of a hall, a touch of lovely black in my dress… But a lot of it is still simple and traditional. But I feel better about it now!
b.rodrigues said
Thank you for the term "wedding detritus"… it made me smile and its already changing the way I look at all this crap I'm hoarding for the wedding
Shelly said
I'm so glad I read this post. It really centered me. I feel like those little details can kill you. I'm about 3 mos. away from the big day, and all the big stuff is set, so I'm working on the funky fun stuff (shoes, dying crinoline, jewelry, song choice etc.) and suddenly I'm obsessed. I literally need someone to pull me away and plop me back into reality!
Miranda said
I'm so happy I found this page. Thank you, Ariel!
Sometimes it seems harder to be original, but it takes so little to start being yourself. The race has a siren song if you let it. Let your voice be louder.
adias.angel said
I am so happy someone linked to this page! I am sending it to my mom!!
Authentically-U Bride said
I love your message here!! I totally agree, especially with the part about being authentic!
Megan said
YAY! You are so fucking right. I'm going to print this as my daily bride affirmation.
Swordman5000sWoman said
Was just talking to a fellow bride-to-be about this the other night. She keeps saying, "But I want something no one else has done." Her sister and I kept telling her, "The chance that you're going to find something that you like that absolutely no one else has ever done is probably nil. So do what makes you happy and who cares how many other people have done it."
My FI and I are doing some things different just because they are what appeals to us. We aren't doing it to be different, we are different we don't have to prove it to anyone. At the same time we are being pretty traditional about some things. But our wedding is about us, and we intend on being happy with it.