I'm young (early 20s), and that doesn't mean I have less sense of myself- I'm strong in who I am and I know what I want.

My lover has a Joe Smith type of name, there's 8 people with his first name at his workplace and because his name is so very common he gets mixed up all the time.

He was going to take my name, recognizing how important it was to my career (I work in the arts) and how I chose it myself. He just wanted to clear it with his parents- and his father had very strong ideas to the contrary. He called it emasculating.

Now, my lover really wants us to have a unified name, doesn't want to offend his father by taking my name, and doesn't want me to give up my name (he knows I don't want to- and probably wouldn't). So he's suggested hyphenation.

I was hyphenated as a kid, I did it, it worked, there was some drama, but whatever- the point is- I don't want to now. I like my new two-name self. Our kids can have three names.

I go back and forth, I want to make him happy (this is big). Many of our other big decisions worked out the way I wanted to (where we're going to live, etc.)

I also feel very strongly about keeping my name.

(I also just don't like the sound of his).

It's something I'm making sense of, as best I can.

No hyphens. And yes, people were confused, payroll was confused, people stuck hyphens in where they didn't belong… people got over it.

If I were 20, I probably *would* have changed my name because my real sense of identity didn't kick in 'till rather recently. At 38, there's no way I'm changing it now.

And anyway, it would throw off my entire online persona: "missbhavens" is a happy accident. If I'm no longer a Havens, then the cutesy screenname doesn't fly.

I've even suggested hyphenating, which TOTALLY doesn't work because his last name is a two-parter already. I've asked him to change his. No go.

He's a reasonable guy in other aspects of life, but he's a big fat baby about this.

I'm at a loss.