Marry this, bitches — four ways to save your sanity
I'm totally burnt out on even THINKING about my stupid wedding. It's non-stop drama and I'm totally overwhelmed! My clever theme has become irritating, and the prospect of getting my family together sounds like the dawn of WW III. Help!
-Danica
Yeah, it can all start to feel like a bit much sometimes, can't it? There's a whole chapter in Offbeat Bride dedicated to ways to preserve your sanity when planning a wedding (STAYING SANE: How to keep your proverbial shit together), but that was only the tip of the iceberg. Here are five more ways to lift your spirits when you feel like your offbeat wedding is coming apart at its DIY, craftsy seams:
1. Write it out. Sit down and write the nastiest, most graphic letter you can about everything that's gone wrong with your wedding planning and how it makes you feel. Curse out your vendors, describe in detail the ways you're going to beat each of your guests senseless with the handcrafted favors your aunt has told you aren't good enough. Spare no detail, and when you run out of rants, start drawing. How about a lovely picture of your prudish officiant's blood splattered on the sacrificial altar? How do those wedding magazines make you feel? Get it out! Once you're really REALLY done, take your awesome, violent letter out to the backyard or an alley and burn it while waving your arms around and chanting "fuck that shit, fuck that shit." This is performance art therapy!
2. Bury yourself in world news. Nothing like a little attitude readjustment to slap that wedding angst right out of your mind. Oh, I'm sorry: was I just freaking out about my velum paper while people are being burned alive in small villages across the globe? Why, hello there, perspective! It's nice to see you again.
3. Masturbate. A fail-safe solution for many breeds of emotional turmoil and angst, it works for wedding planning stress, too.
4. Get organized. A lot of wedding anxiety is the result of feeling like you're forgetting something or don't quite have a handle on what's still left to do. Take a few minutes to get all your ducks in a row. I loathe theknot.com, but they do have a helpful wedding planning checklist tool, that's extra awesome for offbeat brides because if you're not doing a bunch of the more traditional stuff on the list, you can immediately check those things off. It's infinitely helpful though to have a solid idea of what you've done (yay, accomplishment!) and what's left. In my experience, not knowing what's left to do is more stressful than having a big to-do list. It's like being swarmed by invisible bees, as opposed to swatting flies one by one.
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About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.







ginevra said
how did you know that I was about to lose my DAMN MIND today? thanks!
Christine said
Brilliant, just brilliant.
felicity said
Hee. Great tips!
Sarah said
My wedding is in over a year and plan so far are just adeas being trown around and I'm already stressed out. "staying sane" helps… and this list definatly got a chuckle out me of… thanks! (I forget my myspace address but I'm number two on your friends list lol)
Julia said
i'd definitely have to agree on the masturbation point, but I feel dumb, because had i randomly seen the 'vulva' sculpture, I'd have never known that that was what it was ::blush::
Ariel said
Julia, when enjoying your wedding stress-relieving masturbation, just picture the sculpture. All things will be clear.
alexis Achten said
it's soooo easy to get overwhelmed. everyone wants tell you how to do your wedding…but it's not there's! Sometimes it's good to distance yourself from the folks who are strangling you with their ideas so you can stick to yours!
Hannah said
Hi Ariel,
I stumbled upon your page after looking at some photos from my friend Michelle Goodman's book-signing party. I love this photo of you on the train tracks. Is this included in your book?
Hannah
Ariel said
Aww, thank you!
The photo doesn't appear in the book, which is formatted similarly to Michelle's. (ie mostly text.) The shot is from a promotional shoot I did with the amazing Heather Corinna. You can see a sampling of the shoot here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/h…pecialday/
The full series is available on Heather's site, www.femmerotic.com.
raych said
got here via 'que sera sera.' been engaged for 2 months, getting married in 2 more. the way i figure, if you spent a year and a half pulling your wedding together, you'll over-analyze every detail, and then when things go wrong, you'll be devastated, because you spent a year and a half planning the damn thing. however, if you throw it together in 4 months, you make waaaaay more 'the dress fits, i'll take it' decisions, and then when things fall apart on the big day, you say 'well of course that happened. we threw the thing together in 4 months!' and then you have a swig of your champagne and carry on dancing because hey, your groom didn't bail.
Ariel said
Raych, I totally agree. Have you read Instant Weddings?
beth said
this was exactly what i needed. sitting at work with 2 weeks to go, on the verge of tears because i'm emotional lately about freakin everything (seriously if my period doesn't come today somebody's going to get hurt).
i actually laughed at loud at the bride/vulva pic.
a million thanks.
helaina said
perspective…thank you for perspective! Thank you!
helaina(beth's wife to be)
Jules said
The dress in the vulva sculpture picture is one I'm seriously considering. If I end up going with that one I'll be snickering all that day
.
Sara James said
the link for the picture doesnt work
:( but otherwise im in love w/ this post! its great and so true!!
Susan said
*giggle*
yep, I have other more stressful things to worry about than the wedding. lets think about those now instead!
dgriff13 said
Bwahahahaha. thanks for this. HAVE TO see that picture. Go get it, someone. Or I'll get all bridezilla on your ass.
#totallynotbridezilla
Ryane Pitts said
Oh, wow, LOL, thanks for this. I couldn't get the picture to work either, but just the thought made me giggle.
I will also recommend weddingwire.com for planning. I just signed up (for free) last night and so far it's outta this world. They have everything there, you can even export info to Excel spreadsheets (GEEK-LOVE!!)…
LollieLou said
As an art therapy student, I have to say that I seriously LOL'd at #2. I want to turn that into an official intervention!
vulvatracker said
I managed to find the picture, scroll down to the bottom of this page http://godawfulweddingcrap.blo…chive.html
Frogskilly said
I can't find the vulva picture
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
This post is four years old – linkrot happens. :/
Jossy said
Love the advice, also love theknot. It gives really awesome etiquette advice, but isn't as offbeat as I want it to be. I was originally looking for wedding cake designs on theknot, but all the cakes made me want to puke with how BORING they were. So I looked and stumbled on this site. So psyched now because we're having a mix of traditional and nontraditional. Star Wars meets A Midsummer Night's Dream. ^_^
Julie Baynard said
I am so glad this was put on the main page today. It's JUST what I needed to read!
I have two lab write-ups, a big test, and 2 term paper drafts due between this week and next and I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Even though it's not wedding stuff driving me crazy, this is still sound advice. I can always count on OBB to make me feel better