Offbeat Bride + Traditional Groom = ?!?
Offbeat grooms, Relationship Advice
By
on January 27, 2007
19
Original photo by Flickr user owenstache. Altered by Creative Commons License
I finished Offbeat Bride in just two sittings because I just couldn't put it down. My only disappointment was that there weren't any suggestions on how to handle being an offbeat bride with a traditional groom.How do you have an offbeat wedding without crossing the line? How to have a traditional ceremony that won't make me feel like I'm at someone else's wedding?
-Becky
Becky, this is a great question, and absolutely a topic that should have been in the book! I lucked out by having a groom who's wedding visions were as hallucinogenic as mine, but your situation is infinitely more common — just because two people are engaged doesn't mean they're somehow a brain-unit with matching Christmas sweaters and 100% aligned opinions.
There are some general conflict mediation issues that I touch on in my book that you could use when negotiating with a traditional groom (ie, the "Why instead of No technique") but compromising with your fiance is certainly different than dealing with a family member.
First of all, take a moment to appreciate your fiance having opinions about the wedding and wanting to be involved in the planning process. It's weird how, even in offbeat wedding planning, there's this sadly stereotypical gender divide. All too often, grooms just resign themselves to whatever their bride wants ("…it's her special daaay…"), and while that's sort of awesome in a fucked up way (who doesn't like getting what she wants?) from a gender-egalitarian perspective it's really a blessing that your fiance is invested in the planning of the wedding.
My advice would be to do a writing exercise where each of you sit down and brainstorm separately about what you want from your wedding. What are your three deal-breakers, the things you really REALLY want to have at your wedding? Don't focus on things you don't want — that can be a recipe for conflict. It's always more useful to be proactive instead of reactive. What three things do you really REALLY want at your offbeat wedding? And what three things does he really REALLY want at his more traditional wedding?
What are your three deal-breakers, the things you really REALLY want to have at your wedding? Don't focus on things you don't want — that can be a recipe for conflict. It's always more useful to be proactive instead of reactive.
Once you've each got your lists together, you can come to the negotiation table and see how things line up. If you're really lucky, the deal-breakers aren't mutually exclusive — i.e. he wants to have readings from Corinthians and you want your father to do a reading. That's easy: have your father read from Corinthians. But more likely there will be a few head-butting differences, i.e. he wants to be in a church and you want to be outside; he wants to have groomsmen and you want to stand alone. This is where you can get into some negotiations, ie, making sure each of you have at least two of your deal-breakers represented in the wedding.
I realize this sounds ridiculously over-structured and formalized, but I think it can be really helpful to have tools like this when you're talking over your plans and priorities. By having these deal-breaker items, you'll hopefully be able to stand at your wedding and look around and see a few of the things that are really important to you, knowing that you compromised on certain aspects, but that your deal-breakers are accounted for. Good luck!
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Becky said
Thank you so much! This is the wonderful advice I was looking for. I knew cooperation was the key, I just didn't know the best method. Thank you for helping me feel like we both have a chance to have the wedding of our dreams.
The Practical Bride said
I second the advice on this article! I also promote this "the things you really REALLY want" mindset in the article I had written in 2005 called, "Forget the Countdown and Think What's Relevant"
Jason said
As a male, I've found the non-traditional elements my wife-to-be has planned to be very liberating. As strange as it is to explain, there is a lot of pressure on us guys to "not care", which means pretend to have no opinions and default to traditions. What started as an offhand comment about how I can't stand Wagner's wedding march turned out to be the impetus for really communicating and making the ceremony our own. Now I don't feel like I'll be playing the part of a trained monkey in a suit and I'm looking forward to it!
Paul said
I think you just need to get your groom more involved in the wedding process. If he's a traditional groom, he's not going to get involved regardless if you are offbeat! Anyway, I'm getting married – I'm pretty traditional but my fiancee – not so much. We're compromising – we're doing an adventure honeymoon instead. check out groomgroove.com – it helped me get involved. p.
mj said
Yeah, but…what if he wants a religious ceremony and I'm a raging anti-jesus atheist? My boyfriend and I are at the point where we don't even want a ceremony b/c we can't compromise on that…
Ariel said
mj, how about you and your husband each write your own vows? That way, he can include as much god as he wants in his vows to you, and you can be as atheistic as you want in yours.
Caroline said
I'm having precisely the same issue! My husband to be is quite conservative PLUS I let myself get pushed around by some of my more straitlaced/religious family members, so I'm left with a church ceremony/white wedding dress/150 guest traditional event, and I now have to come up with a way not to feel like I'm planning someone elses wedding, and He's alternating between telling me my ideas are "weird" and that all he wants is for me to have whatever I want,
Olivia said
Thanks for this entry! I am in a somewhat similar boat, but would call my fiance more conventional than conservative. I too get the strange looks for many of my ideas!
He is not comfortable with having unconventional food because his family might not like it, he want there to be an even number of attendants, he was a bit disappointed that I did not want a diamond ring – though he respects my reasoning – etc, etc.
I find our wedding moving more towards the vanilla, but I think we are finding a comfortable middle ground. I am going to get the dress I want (not a wedding dress), we are having mostly live plants instead of flowers, AND he agreed to at least meet with an awesome flavorful Mediterranean/Greek/Lebanese caterer!
I have found the best way to convince him is to SHOW him how classy "weird" ideas can look. For example, I had him look around on this site with me.
While it didn't completely convince him, he had to admit that when an idea is well planned and executed it looks good!
Bobbi said
My husband-to-be is the exact same way. He wants the most traditional wedding, where I just want a party. So we've compromised our way through the enire planning which I actually find great, because we have really made it "ours". For example, he wants me in white…it's just gotta be white. So I got a dress that is white in the front and black in the back. So he's happy, I'm happy. He didn't like the idea I had for the wedding cake so instead of having a "Bride's Cake" and a "Groom's Cake" we are having 1 cake with elements that we both came up with. You may not get the wedding of your dreams, but you will get the wedding of you and your future husband's dreams and that is much more special.
sirens said
I have been having similar problems with my soon to be husband, but with us we are both off beat… just in opposite directions. His ideal wedding would have been in a grave yard wearing a cape where as i swing for a 1950's tea party. Luckily we have both been able to compromise on what was really important to us both. Although now he wants us to be married by a priest in traditional robes and the idea just makes me laugh…. HELP!
Megan said
Holy crap! I'm not the only one! My fiance is meat-and-potatoes; crispy on the outside but tender and juicy on the inside whereas I'm the goofy fruitbat who wants a craft table and a tattoo-themed wedding cake. He's a little apprehensive when I bring up my ideas, but lets me run with them. I really want our day to be OUR day, and maybe showing him all the great ideas on the website might help. Good suggestion!
ffem said
So I searched the first 17 pages of advice to find just this! my fiancee has been married 3 times before with 3 VERY traditional weddings. I don't want a traditional wedding because 1) the simple fact that it's different from the last 3, and 2) i don't agree with the "why" of the traditional stuff (i.e. why does the father walk his daughter down the aisle). Thanks Ariel.
Isabel said
This is really great article. I suppose many couples have this problem, and it is important to find an agreement. Thanks for posting
Lindsay said
I haven't come across this problem as much as many commenters are describing; however, my fiance does have more conventional tastes than me. What I have found is that explaining why I want certain things really helps. Explaining that the outfit I want is important to represent my personality and make me feel like the wedding is my event, not just a magazine spread I've stepped into, has helped him be cool with the non-conventional look I'm planning. I also came up with the idea to do a handfasting (after seeing it on this site), and at first he was like "What is that? You just tie ropes on your arms? Is that some weird pagan thing? My family is going to laugh at us." But now that I have told him more about the tradition, the symbolism, and showed him some weddings that included handfastings, he actually says he really likes the idea and prefers it over others. I think for some brides-to-be, you will find that if you just talk to your FH about your ideas a little more, he will be more open to them.
Liz T said
It also might help brides to remind your partners that they're marrying YOU, not some traditional bride. Shouldn't the wedding reflect the person ze fell in love with, in all hir offbeat glory?
TJ said
Yeah, my fiance isn't so much conservative as he doesn't want people to think he's a weirdo (although for some reason, he thinks that having someone sing during your ceremony is weird).
We had a chat the week after getting engaged about each of our top three priorities for the wedding. His were doing as little public speaking as possible/not writing his own vows, the food and the bar; mine were the wedding's overall feel (casual), the photography and the food. Sure, I had to ditch my ideas about individually written tearjerker vows (instead I wrote a set we'll both say), but otherwise, all we had to do was agree on a caterer.
In exchange for free reign over the rest of the wedding (sans his bar), he's in charge of the honeymoon planning. It all works out.
Bonni said
Thankyou thankyou thankyou!!
I like the other commenters are having ezactly this problem. You've mede me feel better about the traditional stuff that my partner insists on having in our wedding. All I want is for our wedding NOT to be a carbon copy of every other wedding we have been to – a wedding that truly reflects who we are not just something 'we had to do bacause thats the way its done'.
I know I have been lucky so far.. we're getting married outside but my partner wanted to get married in a church, we're having a weird and wonderful topsy turvy cake after both of us comprimising and agreeing on a cake style we both liked.
I must admit though there are some things I have kepts secret from him until the big day (eg my shoes and bouquet) but he loves me and he'll understand and marry me anyway =)