Comments on: Dealing with family expectations http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/advice-dealing-with-expectations Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:08:09 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Monica http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/advice-dealing-with-expectations/comment-page-1#comment-89380 Monica Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:40:58 +0000 http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/16/test-advice-column#comment-89380 This article hits home, I thought my mom would be the only one supporting some of my non-traditional choices, since she prides herself on being the black sheep in her family, but came to find out she saw my wedding as her one shot to be that gal in the limelight, the 'mother of the bride'. She picked some silly things to make a stand on, like bouquets...really? I compromised on some things...flowers from the farmers market will do, but others just had to duke it out until she realized while this day isn't all about me, it's also not all about her. This article hits home, I thought my mom would be the only one supporting some of my non-traditional choices, since she prides herself on being the black sheep in her family, but came to find out she saw my wedding as her one shot to be that gal in the limelight, the 'mother of the bride'. She picked some silly things to make a stand on, like bouquets…really? I compromised on some things…flowers from the farmers market will do, but others just had to duke it out until she realized while this day isn't all about me, it's also not all about her.

]]> By: channamasala http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/advice-dealing-with-expectations/comment-page-1#comment-86461 channamasala Fri, 31 Dec 2010 05:00:58 +0000 http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/16/test-advice-column#comment-86461 I did ask the difficult "dad walking me down the aisle" question and the answer was something between "because it's done" and "because I want to be acknowledged and participate, and I want to fill this role and I've been looking forward to it since before you got engaged". Another role, another thing to do, another form of recognition wouldn't have worked: it would have been a consolation prize, a not-really-good-enough. Really - we discussed readings, we discussed other ceremonial actions...no. Dad had this one specific thing he was excited to do, and saying 'no' and offering him something else was like saying to a kid on Halloween, "no, you can't have the Iron Man costume with the cool LED lasers...but here, let's take an old sheet and cut holes in it and you can be a ghost!" So I decided instead to redefine the role from "giving away" (Dad did not give me away) to "the honor of walking with me down the aisle" and did it, well, for him. I found that when I redefined it and stuck to that (all "giving away" language was stricken from the ceremony wording) and let word spread naturally that that was what the role meant to me - which was fine with Dad - that it was no problem at all. It was far easier to swallow. I did ask the difficult "dad walking me down the aisle" question and the answer was something between "because it's done" and "because I want to be acknowledged and participate, and I want to fill this role and I've been looking forward to it since before you got engaged".

Another role, another thing to do, another form of recognition wouldn't have worked: it would have been a consolation prize, a
not-really-good-enough. Really – we discussed readings, we discussed other ceremonial actions…no. Dad had this one specific thing he was excited to do, and saying 'no' and offering him something else was like saying to a kid on Halloween, "no, you can't have the Iron Man costume with the cool LED lasers…but here, let's take an old sheet and cut holes in it and you can be a ghost!"

So I decided instead to redefine the role from "giving away" (Dad did not give me away) to "the honor of walking with me down the aisle" and did it, well, for him.

I found that when I redefined it and stuck to that (all "giving away" language was stricken from the ceremony wording) and let word spread naturally that that was what the role meant to me – which was fine with Dad – that it was no problem at all. It was far easier to swallow.

]]> By: Cassie Sue http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/advice-dealing-with-expectations/comment-page-1#comment-81312 Cassie Sue Thu, 18 Nov 2010 16:06:08 +0000 http://offbeatbride.com/2006/12/16/test-advice-column#comment-81312 I know this is an old article, but it hit close to home. My non-traditional parents have both turned uber-traditional now that I'm getting married. So far things have turned out well through some compromises "okay I will wear a long wedding dress, but my bridesmaids are wearing miniskirts!" have been made but it has been really unexpected and its nice to know I'm not alone. And on a few topics I'll be saying "NO!" even though it's beyond tough. I know this is an old article, but it hit close to home. My non-traditional parents have both turned uber-traditional now that I'm getting married.

So far things have turned out well through some compromises "okay I will wear a long wedding dress, but my bridesmaids are wearing miniskirts!" have been made but it has been really unexpected and its nice to know I'm not alone.

And on a few topics I'll be saying "NO!" even though it's beyond tough.

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