Dealing with family expectations
Friends & Family Advice
By
on December 16, 2006
3
This mother of the bride has her OWN expectations … FOR FUN! Thanks to Emery Thibodeaux for submitting this to the Offbeat Bride pool!
As an offbeat bride I come from an offbeat family, yet I have been amazed at the expectations that have come up from both sides of our families. How do I manage the expectations of so many family members, while still keeping the vision of our own, unique wedding intact? -Summer
Isn't that so weird, how even the most nontraditional of families still have expectations about what a wedding should and shouldn't be? Suddenly hippie mothers are hurt because you're not wearing grandmother's veil, and hip uncles reveal that while they might seem like a non-practicing Jews, they're actually mortified that you're making your chuppa out of PVC.
It can skew both ways, too: I spoke to a UK bride named Sabrina who told me that her free spirited mother was mortified (AGHAST!) at the prospect of her daughter having bridesmaids.
I wanted a wedding party, which caused absolute havoc in my untraditional family. My mother kept screeching "Bridesmaids? BRIDESMAIDS?" like I'd suggested roasting babies over an open fire. But I wanted to get married with these women around me; they're part of who I am.
My best advice for how to deal with hitting the brick wall of family expectations is to get into a discussion of why the family member in question has that expectation, and what they really want.
Once you get to that root of the expectation, you may be able to find a way you can address the root desire without actually giving into the superficial demand.
In other words, if your father can't believe you're not letting him walk you down the aisle, ask him WHY he wants to walk you down the aisle, and don't let him get off by saying "That's just how it's done." This can be a cool opportunity to really get into the nitty gritty and find a solution that addresses the root concern of the family member without sacrificing your vision for your wedding.
With the father/aisle example, chances are good that the desire to walk down the aisle is in part because he wants to be involved in the ceremony somehow, and aisle-walking is the usual role (or expectation) for how fathers are acknowledged. Once you get to that root of the expectation, you may be able to find a way you can address the root desire without actually giving into the superficial demand. In other words, you can come up with a different and perhaps even MORE meaningful way for your father to be involved in the ceremony. Then it's win/win: your father's root need is met, and you don't have to feel like chattel being walked to market.
Each expectation can be an opportunity to really explore the meat of WHY that expectation exists. If you have the time and patience for these kinds of conversations, they can be enlightening and even a bonding experience for the bride and her family. It gives your family members a sense that you're listening and care about their thoughts about your wedding, but without you having to change your vision.
Then again, you may get to the root of the demand (ie, "I want you to wear grandma's veil because otherwise I had to and I want you to suffer, too!") and realize that you still don't like it. In that case, you have to pull out the big guns and just say no. And that's another answer for another day…
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Cassie Sue said
I know this is an old article, but it hit close to home. My non-traditional parents have both turned uber-traditional now that I'm getting married.
So far things have turned out well through some compromises "okay I will wear a long wedding dress, but my bridesmaids are wearing miniskirts!" have been made but it has been really unexpected and its nice to know I'm not alone.
And on a few topics I'll be saying "NO!" even though it's beyond tough.
channamasala said
I did ask the difficult "dad walking me down the aisle" question and the answer was something between "because it's done" and "because I want to be acknowledged and participate, and I want to fill this role and I've been looking forward to it since before you got engaged".
Another role, another thing to do, another form of recognition wouldn't have worked: it would have been a consolation prize, a
not-really-good-enough. Really – we discussed readings, we discussed other ceremonial actions…no. Dad had this one specific thing he was excited to do, and saying 'no' and offering him something else was like saying to a kid on Halloween, "no, you can't have the Iron Man costume with the cool LED lasers…but here, let's take an old sheet and cut holes in it and you can be a ghost!"
So I decided instead to redefine the role from "giving away" (Dad did not give me away) to "the honor of walking with me down the aisle" and did it, well, for him.
I found that when I redefined it and stuck to that (all "giving away" language was stricken from the ceremony wording) and let word spread naturally that that was what the role meant to me – which was fine with Dad – that it was no problem at all. It was far easier to swallow.
Monica said
This article hits home, I thought my mom would be the only one supporting some of my non-traditional choices, since she prides herself on being the black sheep in her family, but came to find out she saw my wedding as her one shot to be that gal in the limelight, the 'mother of the bride'. She picked some silly things to make a stand on, like bouquets…really? I compromised on some things…flowers from the farmers market will do, but others just had to duke it out until she realized while this day isn't all about me, it's also not all about her.